Son dumped by gf -update

I already said fair play to her for leaving if she wanted to get married at that age. Not criticising anyone just saying for some people 3 years is a very short time to be discussing marriage . There is no “and then we” about it.

Many people want to be married before they have children and a 3 year relationship and late twenties is a very sensible time to be thinking about that if it is important to you.

It isn't important to you and that's fine, but if it's important to your partner, don't be surprised if they leave you to find someone who is willing to make that commitment.

And then when women get to 35 and still no marriage or baby, we criticise them for not thinking about their fertility sooner.

But when they do try to take charge, we criticise them for rushing the poor men.

3 years, late 20s, perfect age to get engaged and talk kids.

Yes 3 years obviously won't suit everyone, but my point was that it's reasonable middle ground to expect an adult discussion about the future at that age. Even people like us who don't fall within that middle ground can acknowledge that, especially for a couple well into adulthood.

Which doesn't have to mean engagement now either. It could be saying I dont know if it's ever what I want, I'd like to do X first, can we talk about getting a joint property before marriage- any of this could be ok. There are lots of ways to have an adult discussion about a 3 year relationship of sufficient seriousness to cohabit.

I'm finding this whole chain really saddening. I can't see how you think that a young woman who has taken several months to reach a decision & who then sticks by that decision despite being harassed by her ex is evidence of her not ever loving him.

She made her feelings really clear when she asked if they were going to get married & her feelings were dismissed & her request for a timeline tossed aside as being "silly". OP even thought that her newly single friend encouraged it rather than this young woman having a mind of her own.

Then in a fit of panic, OP wants to call her & "talk sense" into her because she is in danger (at 27) of being left on the shelf & he is harassing her to the point where she has to actually block him!!! that is shameful. If he meant it he would've taken his time & tried to win her back - prove he cares rather than bully her into submission.

every contact with her would've reinforced the fact she was absolutely making the right decision. I daresay they have both learned a lot from this - her that she her courage in her own convictions was well placed & him not to take people for granted & expect them to bend to his will.

OP - support your son but stop mollycoddling him - his father has absolutely the right attitude to the whole sorry tale

He doesn't need sympathy, his dad is correct. If he had realised that he wanted to marry her, what was he waiting for? Three years is long enough to know whether a person is someone you can love long term, honeymoon period is over, and you see your partner clearly at this point. She had a conversation before with him, that was his cue to make a decision. He didn't, he lost the girl.

Absolutely this. 3 years is not that long to be bf and gf - goodness, are we living in the middle ages that we have to get married straightaway? And some people are not fussed about getting married, I wasn't and I honestly would have thought it strange if my bf asked for it and then dumped me because I didn't feel that bothered about it (especially after only 3 years).

For me three years isn’t long at all and I was with my husband 3 years at 27. He was 26 so I guess it’s a bit different but honestly if I had broached the topic at that stage I think it would have been too soon.That’s just me though everyone is different .

Ugh that’s sad sorry you were treated like that. If you don’t mind me asking why do you think you tolerated that for so long?

I agree with this : so your comment she never loved him, no she probably had to learn how to love herself more she probably been telling him for ages what she wanted he took her love for granted.

I remember a guy I thought I was in love with treated me very poorly at his birthday party in my 20s. I won’t go into what he did but think drugs, other girls etc.

I left immediately without a backwards glance. He remarked I can’t ever have loved him and I recall discussing it with my then best friend who said “it’s not that you don’t love him, it’s that you love yourself more”.

Of course he shouldn't agree to marry if he doesn't feel ready, but he also ought to have communicated that in a more adult way. And that's a separate point to your initial one about the timeframe.

Three years is long enough to make discussion about the future a reasonable expectation. There are lots of ways that could happen, but he didn't manage any of them.

That’s not fair. I was in a relationship the same as the girl in your story except I was with him for 8 years. He had always said we would get married. He then towards the end told me he lied as he knew I would leave. I had tried to separate but he wouldn’t go. The lying made me feel less than. In the end he cheated with someone with the same name. Even though I dumped him because of the cheating it took me years to get over the betrayal not so much for the cheating as that actually didn’t surprise me as his mom backed the brother when he cheated. He never worked, lived in my house over the years took me for granted. I never spoke to him again went wild for a couple of years. I never married or had children. Had relationships but still picked shit men.
so your comment she never loved him, no she probably had to learn how to love herself more she probably been telling him for ages what she wanted he took her love for granted.

I disagree. My ex would say the same. He was blindsided, I was cold, etc. I had been trying to talk to him for a long time but he either dismissed me or shut me down. When I decided I was done, I was done.

Some men only realize things are bad once you kick them out, which for many women is too late.

I agree it’s not something to be dismissive about but it’s also not something one should be rushing into either if both aren’t clearly in agreement about it . It is what is it. She’s right to leave if she doesn’t want to hang around but he’s not wrong for rushing into things when he wasn’t ready either.

Also as far as breaking up before Christmas I know what her thought process was there as I have done the same thing. I knew things were over with my ex and I wanted to wait until after Christmas because I felt as if it was the kind thing to do. Realistically it was much harder than this. I was making myself sick thinking about putting on a smile and lying to him.

It isn’t just Christmas but it’s new year too. I felt like such a fraud bringing in the new year with someone I knew I was going to break up with imminently. I thought it through and I thought the better thing to do was to break up before Christmas as I didn’t want to blindside him after a nice festive season. I don’t regret it and feel I did the right thing. We lived together and don’t went back to our own parents over the holidays. It was hard but we both got over it.

It's not, like, eons, but at their age it's within a general frame of reasonableness to be discussing the future. And to not find the concept of a legal commitment something to be dismissive about. Because even if he genuinely didn't want to marry, there's a way to have that conversation like a grown up and in a way that gives agency to both partners.

Even if one thinks, like you, that it isn't that long or are like me and was about to get married at that point, it's pretty much middle ground.

At 27 she's got her own flat, job, friends and social life and she and wants to know where her relationship is going and what her future looks like. She sounds fairly clued up to me.
He dismissed something important to her as silly, she decided he's not right for her anymore. 30, happy living in her flat but won't commit to anything more than "yes I will marry you, when it suits me, but no I won't discuss when, your views on having a plan are silly so you need to just hang around for who knows how long until I say so."

I mean, how many 'is he a cocklodger / I want to marry but he keeps stringing me along with "one day" and it's been 15 years and 2 kids' type threads do we get on here? Good on her for knowing what she wants.

Despite being lucky that Ex has been decent and given him some time to find somewhere else to live, son screws that goodwill over by harassing her until she wants him gone.

I know you feel for your son OP but to come out with patronising misogynistic crap like you think she's just copying her best mate, and doesn't she realise she'll be left on the shelf (at 27!) is low.

I totally get you are his mum and on his side but it isn't too early for your son to reflect on his behaviour. It's not doing any good trying to make it better for him by focusing on her behaviour.

After all, he can only change himself and can't control her actions.

He messed up and you can't smooth those feelings over for him. To be a better man he has to learn from this.

I don’t see it this way. Women don’t tend to leave when they’re done. They tend to wait a while until they are more than done. I imagine she was done waiting when she raised the engagement convo with your son and he completely shut it down and instead she’s waited months for him to bring it back up to her and he hasn’t… then she’s done. He’s completely shut her feelings down. Regardless of how long they’ve been together, she wanted to have a conversation and he didn’t allow it and dismissed her feelings as silly.

He hasn’t helped it by saying they will go ring shopping now. He’s still saying we will do this if she wants, not because he wants.

A better plan would have been buying a ring, sitting her down and telling her how much he realises he’s hurt her, how much he loves her and then proposing and leaving her to sit on it for a bit. Nothing he’s done has actually shown he wants marriage, just that he doesn’t want to break up!

This. I think dismissing her as silly was the final straw. He had no respect for her.

I don’t get all the people saying “after 3 years” as though it’s a really long period of time to be going out and not engaged. To me that’s not a long time at all. However if she wants to get married asap she is entitled to leave and look for what she wants and fair play to her in a way for not hanging around.

@UnintentionalArcher Your reply was flagged up as potentially dangerous! 😄

Would you like me to go and buy some gift cards?

Is he moving back in with you, @OneGreenPoster ?

And what “rights” do you think he’s got?

Sorry your son is heartbroken this Christmas OP.

I don't think three years is awfully long, but can also see that the GF wanted to know where things were going.

I also think its quite sweet how much you thought of her. I'm sure he will meet someone else and it will all feel "meant to be".

Firstly, I doubt he’s lived there for three years, unless the cock lodger moved in immediately they started dating.

Secondly, he should have shown some commitment, getting a different place, that they jointly owned or rented.

The property is hers, she’s blocked him because he is being intolerable, why the hell would she want to stay at the same place as him?

It’s her home and she doesn’t need to babysit.

Hopefully he’s come to his senses or he may find a visit from the police to escort him out of the GFs property.