Son dumped by gf -update

Too many women act the lemming just sitting and hoping like they don’t have agency. Usually for a guy who is unsure or waiting for something better.

You have got to be a man. This is how a man thinks. I am a woman & I tried for years to find out when after 8yrs my BF would marry me having told me over the years it would happen. He then told me he lied that he never wanted to be married. I wanted to separate he wouldn’t go, so then he goes & cheats. I loved him & never spoke to him again. No man waiting in the wings, I had got to a point that I realised I deserved better.

He can get sympathy but it doesn’t mean he can’t hear the truth.

27 is prime dating years, why waste them with someone who won’t talk about a timeline for marriage.

he’ll be fine.

They were not just going out though, they were living together. If you don't know after 3 years how you feel then there is something wrong.

How long do you think couples should wait? Maybe 3 years is not a long time before getting married (although many do get married quicker than 3 years and are happy) but not to just be getting engaged. They undoubtedly would have a long engagement as that also seems to be the norm now.

Difference is you let the chat happen.

He completely dis.iss3d any discussion as "silly".

If you had the chat you can find tou where each others thoughts are on the subject and can decide obviously marriage isn't right at the moment, but something to revisit in a year or so.

But being dismissed completely, told it will be done on his terms and not even being able to discuss the topic was too much.

This.

He thought she would just wait around forever. Women don't have forever.

No one said they had to be married straight away, hell she didn’t. She asked him whether he saw the relationship going and if he saw marriage in the future, and if so on what sort of timeline. That isn’t a ‘marry me now!’ conversation, that’s a ‘so what are our future plans?’ one. He failed to respect her enough to engage in even that, letting her know that he was quite content to carry on coasting along aimlessly. In her house.

His response doesn’t exactly suggest that he’s a man that know what he wants in life, with has future goals he’s actively aspiring to achieve, does it? I wonder if that also translates to other aspects of his life. If so, it’s no surprise that she didn’t find it particularly attractive.

I’m not sure why some posters think that she never loved him, as if falling out of love isn’t something that people do.

The marriage is a red herring. What he didn’t show was a future, or a life plan. ie. Let’s move to a house then get married etc.

Honestly, at age 30 your husband is right. Women have a biological clock. They can't wait forever.

So true. Its like that film ' Hes just not that into you' or whatever its called.

I know someone who repeatedly dumped women, couldnt commit blah blah. Then within months got someone else pregnant and married them.

@SerafinasGoose you probably wouldn't have interfered because you have commonsense which we've seen in your posts in the past - sorry to sound like a 'stalker' but I recognise your username!

I have 2 older sons and we never get involved in any nitty gritty emotional stuff with GFs. One DS was devastated when his GF broke up with him the morning after a good friend of his had died in a RTA (which she knew) - he was 18. She was spectacularly selfish at times (there were many) - the first time I met her mum I was shocked that she told me she was selfish and self-centred (turns out she was spot on) - I actually got on OK with her in a superficial way. Funnily enough we did get a letter later from her dad telling us what a lovely lad DS was and how much he was going to miss him! That must be a first surely? Another time my DS was asked to go 'on a break' by his GF, which seemed OK except this went on for over 5 months (with her umming and aahing) - we did advise him to call it a day, but he was prepared to hang on. Once he was coming around to the fact that it was over and was getting on with his life and being active and outgoing, she then wanted to try again, which they did, but it was short-lived as he realised quite quickly it was a mistake and his feelings had changed - he said they felt more like buddies than GF/BF now - so he ended it. She wanted to stay in touch with him and go out together 'as friends', but he wasn't keen and tactfully told her this - they share a social group so he does see her around to have a chat. We never got involved in any drama (there was a bit more to it). During the 'break' DH asked me if I wanted to ring GF's mum to get her perspective - that was a definite nope from me.

Sorry to have gone on a bit!!

He could have said yes let’s talk about this as I think we may be on different pages timeline wise. Then they could have had an adult and respectful heart to heart. Dismissing it as silly timelines and not being clear in his intentions is a good enough reason to think, I’m done.

Agree v much with you re lessons to be learned. This is why his DFs tough love was helpful.

DS is 30 now, so if he would like another cohabiting relationship then this is what's likely to happen within his 'pool'. Even if he ends up with someone a few years younger again, the issue of commitment is liable to come up again. It's something he would do well to be prepared for, even if he doesn't necessarily want to get married.

I met him at 20 what you take on a 20 you don’t want at 28. In a band no job, looking back there was probably Coercive control. Hiding my makeup, buying old lady jumpers old lady perfume isolating me from family. Do think his mom was toxic she didn’t want him to get married actually said she had bought him a new bed, but forgot to buy him a birthday card. In some ways realise the time in 80’s & 90’s it what Society expected. I worked really hard bought a house on my own at 23 he contributed nothing. The longer we were together the less I felt cherished. Access to forums like this were not available.you felt on your own.

Young ages? DH and I got engaged after 3 years of dating, and I was 22!

Absolutely this!

It's true though, isn't it? Maybe he won't fuck it up next time. Having his mummy say "there there, poppet" and tell him that his girlfriend is a big meany is not helpful at all. And actually it probably explains a lot about why he's in this situation in the first place.

His ex is not a kid. She's a woman in her late twenties who knows what she wants. Your son told her that he thought it was "silly" that she wanted to know he was on the same page in terms of life goals like marriage and children and when that would happen. Actually she sounds very sensible and wants to be the driver of her own life, not a passenger. Your son fumbled the opportunity to be with her. She might seem heartless to you, but actually your son did this to himself (and to her!) and this woman has likely already mourned the end of the relationship and uninvested herself emotionally.

The girlfriend can dump him for whatever reason she likes whenever she likes. We’ll never know her side of the story.

I understand what you are saying, I actually admire her for sticking to her guns and not hanging around, she is dead right, lots of women wouldn’t have the courage.there are lessons to be learned from this for him for sure.

It's because 3 years is a reasonable and realistic middle ground to have a sensible discussion about future plans.

This doesn't mean it won't be way too early or late for some couples. Everyone gets that. It just means the GF wanting to do it then is bog standard and within normal range of expectation.

Classy arguments clearly and cleanly made, and all the stronger for the personal insults. Compellingly put, I’m now convinced that you’re right.

Yes that’s exactly what I’m saying.she’s right to stick to what she wants and leave the relationship . But the amount of people saying 3 years like as though it’s a huge amount of time when for some people it isn’t at all..

For some people, yes. I, for one. DH and I didn't marry for 10 years, primarily because at that time we had other priorities and marriage/family were certainly nowhere near the top of my list.

But evidently it's not too soon for her. People are different. There is no 'should'. She's made her wishes clear, has had her answer, and has acted accordingly.

I have to share my DD situation. She was cheated on. His excuse was that he got drunk and it meant nothing. Good for her she ended it and moved out. She had dodged a bullet, but his family knew that he had lost a gem (she is mine but it is true).

His mum decided to write them a long pleading letter about how she thought that they would “overcome their differences and that they would move on together”. In your dreams my dear!

Every now and again, like when I am cleaning the bathroom, I think about her silly letter. It makes me chuckle.

She means business and has been very clear that her decision is final. The most loving thing that your son can do for her now is to respect this.

I'm the mother of a son - still young, granted - but this thread has given me an eye opener into a later world in which I will not be interfering on any level with his personal relationships, whatever form they may take. I would not be doing him any favours whatsoever.

We all have personal autonomy over our decisions and their consequences. Painful lessons in love wait down the track for every single one of us as we go through life. Your son has just had a very big one and hopefully he'll derive some wisdom from it.

For now, his only recourse is to accept the situation and try to move on from it. It's not as though he has a choice.