To still be upset and I can’t believe my husband doesn’t get it

If my partner was this dramatic I’d probably have screamed at him as well. Or whatever screaming (because everyone on mumsnet is screamed at) is.

Bearing in mind that given in-laws aren’t invited to weddings this will now apply to the new brother in law as well.

Maybe it’s unusual? But who knows why they do what they do. You weren’t singled out though, and tbh holding back tears weeks after the event etc is dramatic and if that’s how you always behave maybe that has contributed to them not wanting you there.

Your husband is right not to give a shit.

Try taking after him.

You’re upset because your definition of family isn’t the same as your DH’s.

You have been trying to shoehorn your DH into your family; he’s obliged but obviously can take or leave them given what he’s said in the past about the weekends away and your BIL.

You’ve been trying to shoehorn yourself into his family but clearly they can take or leave you and when they choose to leave you you see it as rejection. That you’re not in the club. He shouted at you, uncharacteristically, because you were going on and on about something that put him in a real bind: telling you something that would upset you when he’s been sworn to secrecy by his sister (although how she thought he could not tell his wife and children I don’t know….).

Weddings are always a pinch point for something or other. Clearly for you it’s the realisation that you’re not a member of your DH’s family. Horses for courses. You have to find a way to go on knowing that this is what you’ve married into, that you’re not all one big happy family, that your spouse prizes a free bar over connections. To put it in a Xmas context: you’re a “the more the merrier” type, he’s nuclear family only and we’re not sharing the good stuff with guests.

You’re being a massive drama about this. Who actually cares???? It’s not as though she left you out and invited everyone else. Just let her get on with it.

All of this. Saves me a bit of typing.
In laws aren’t really family. Good info.
DH is a bit of a bellend with apparently no sense of loyalty to his wife. Also good info.
Weddings are dull AF. Fact.
Time to move on from the devastation and use your new info to guide you.

Agreed. If my DH wasn't invited to a family wedding, I wouldn't go either.

I don’t think DH has behaved revoltingly? Yes he shouted and shouldn’t have but it sounded like op was repeatedly asking the same question and he lost his shit. It happens. He’s made observations about their wedding but communicating it in a clumsy way. And why did he need to challenge his sister on the invite? It was her decision. TBH I feel sorry for him op comes across as really really hard to live with if this is how she reacts.

It is very weird, not inviting the partners of your siblings to a wedding. If the way your DH talks about his inlaws is an attitude shared by his siblings, then they sound like a very cold family who view others as interlopers. If they can't be bothered with anyone outside their immediate family that is hurtful, but like others have said, it is not devastating. You know who they all really are now, including your 'D' H so I would be leaving them all to it. If you're not a member of the family, then you are not going to act like it, ever. I think giving people a photo of yourself as a gift is so self absorbed! They either don't have a clue or don't care how their behaviour affects you, so fuck 'em.

And dh said YOUR family were freaks 😂
Yeah, my nose would be put out of joint too. Time to take a step back op x

It is completely natural to be upset about this because it speaks to how non blood relatives are seen within this family (your husband even describes partners as "hangers on" ouch). That's upsetting for you but it is also excellent information. You now get to decide the level of energy you put into people and this family system in particular who don't really value you as a family member since not one of them thinks it odd to prioritise a free bar over family relationships. Please also know that none of this has anything to do with your inherent value - it is all about this family system and what it values. I suspect the other uninvited in law who wasn't bothered is just not as invested in them as you. Maybe something to think about.

Time to move on and stop letting it make you miserable.

Please do this. Leave his side of the family to your husband especially the relationship with his sister. He probably won’t bother much.

I agree its not the done thing - at least not in the weddings I've been to.

Your DH is in a difficult position because you are attacking his sister every time you bring this up. Hes defending her, either through loyalty or because he agrees with her (very odd) decision. It’s not good he shouted at you but he was maybe at the end of his tether that you wouldn’t let it go. DH and I can sometimes get like this. Time to put it all in perspective and move on. I’d take a step back from the relationship with in laws while remaining civil. They clearly see family as just immediate members while you have a more inclusive definition.

I think you're being massively over sensitive, your husband sounds like an arse, but perhaps he is at the end of his tether with your relentless mithering. The photo gift? Assuming it was a joint gift? Well I probably would have left it there, very self absorbed to gift someone a family photo of an occasion that one of the recipients wasn't invited to (with bad feeling associated with it). I wouldn't be displaying it in my house. Your SIL's eyeroll suggests that you have form for for being a bit emotional......(PITA).

"Devastation" is for when a child or a partner dies. Not for being left out of a wedding. Get a grip.

Sod the wedding, the bigger issue is the revolting way your husband treats you.

OP, I think 82% of the voters don't get it neither.
Leave it, is in the past. She may be whatever but you are making it even harder and getting upset for nothing.

There's a lot of devastation and tears here.

I get that not being invited was hurtful and weird, but it's definitely not devastating.

I get that your lovely day, not being as happy for your DH is upsetting, but again, not devastating.

I also get that your DH behaviour was unacceptable, but as someone with a spouse who can be... overly dramatic, through my lens I wonder if he was dreading telling you about the wedding, knowing he couldn't change his sisters mind & knowing it was going to cause absolute scenes.

I don't know & I wasn't there but maybe it's time to tone down the drama, accept what's happened and move forward.

This! Literally why do you care? Who actually cares this much about whether their husband’s sister invites her siblings’ spouses to her wedding, or about other people’s wedding choices at all? Their wedding. Their choice. They didn’t do anything wrong. Not everyone shares your views on the importance of convention. You’re being exceptionally weird and over dramatic.

I honestly still don't really get the upset either to be honest op. I understand being disappointed and a bit miffed, but not to the extent you seem to be affected by this. Are you particularly sensitive to rejection in general (I know everyone is to a point but even perceived rejection is more difficult for some people so I'm asking genuinely. )

I would have been very upset if other spouses were included and I hadn't been. But they've set a blanket rule, that was spread fairly across everyone for their wedding to cut down numbers so they could have the type of wedding they wanted. There's nothing actually wrong with that. It's not as if you especially have been singled out and spited, you just didn't fall into a particular cohort of people by demographic rather than anything personal. I'd have been absolutely disappointed and sad I wouldn't get to see them on the day but also been able to recognise its their day and their call and I wouldn't have taken it this personally. I certainly wouldn't have been affected by it to the point where its creating a rift between you and your husbands family. Tbh if I was your dh I'd actually be quite annoyed with you for not letting this go for the sake of good relationships with other people he cares about. You were rude to comment your upset to your sil the way you did.

Your dh comments,I could see what he means even if it's been worded tactlessly. Lots of people have a great day on their wedding but then look back and think if I were doing it again I'd do xyz differently. If I were doing mine again I'd have eloped with a few witnesses, and I loved my wedding day and thought it was really fun. It doesn't mean he thought your wedding was shite, just that there were certain things you weren't able to have/ do because you prioritised an increased guest list. Unless money is no object (which is rare) most people end up having to compromise something and it usually comes down to numbers invited on the day over what they can have/ where they can have it etc. It sounds like your dh has been trying to communicate this and has just done a bad job with wording.

You need see a therapist to learn how to manage your emotions. She made a different decision to you, she’s allowed. Other people get to hold events that you aren’t invited to. She didn’t invite everyone except you- that would be hurtful. She just didn’t invite spouses and partners.

My Mum spoiled my family for years over an argument about the guest list to her granddaughter’s wedding. She just wouldn’t let it go and it ended up with a huge falling out that lasted years.

Move on. It really doesn’t matter. You are the one ruining your family relationships over this.

Seriously.

I get what you are saying - i can see why, given its been 8 months since the wedding, SIL would have been under the impression OP was at least semi over it by now though.

Devastated?

It’s really, really, really weird to be this upset at not having an invite to somebody’s wedding. Especially when they adopted a blanket approach to invites.

If you were singled out to not get an invite I could understand more.