To still be upset and I can’t believe my husband doesn’t get it

Your DH doesn't know what a wedding is about.

No partners were invited

not just you

you are being silly

yes family weddings are nice and woman prob enjoy More then men / hence why sil dh isn’t bothered

but

lots weren’t invited

get over it

dh shouting at you wasn’t good but he said sorry

andassume never happened again since

Honestly I think you are over the top upset about this. You were not the only one excluded. It is pretty normal to invite siblings spouses to a wedding, however your sil did not. That was her choice and not up to your dh to tell her how to have her wedding.

The photo was given to your dh. An normal reaction is to look and say everyone looked well and moved on. Tears are a bit ott. Your husbands comment about his wedding was a bit tactless but maybe he does feel this way.

I do think you need to move on from this. You missed out on one day.

Suspect he knew the drama that was about to unfold and wanted to put it off as long as possible. I mean it’s still going on, so I get that.

YANBU to feel left out, because it's strange and a bit rude to exclude your siblings spouses from a family wedding of all things (where marriage is supposed to be celebrated.)

I would try and find a way to move on from it emotionally, and stop doing anything for your SIL. Your DH can manage any future meet ups, Christmas and birthday cards and presents and so on. Don't babysit or offer any favours. If she won't treat you like family, you don't need to go above and beyond for her.

I think it’s unusual as a decision, but likely budget related, so no big deal, I think the fact you’re “devastated” is the main issue and wanted to cry at the pics, it’s all so very dramatic.

can I ask gently, do you have friends and get out much?

It does seem strange, I couldn’t imagine not inviting siblings spouses, but I can’t understand why you’re so upset about it when it wasn’t personal to you. Would it seem strange to you if one of the not invited husbands was crying and going on about it? Personally I’d be relieved to not be going and knowing it wasn’t personal to me would be even better.

The photo and casual chat about it in front of you is insensitive and I would probably deliberately leave the photo there if it had upset me.

Jeez. DH is one of four and his brother didn’t even invite his siblings to his wedding.

Your reaction is absolutely unreasonable.

I agree with this.

I also think there is the sense that her husband did not have her back when the initial invitation came. People can say he was keeping his sister' confidence. But on the other side of that is that he prioritised her wishes over his own wife. Had he said to his sister that he understood she wanted a small wedding but he doesn't keep secrets from his wife, a calm and rational conversation might have been possible before he lost his rag with her repeated questioning. I would be very confused if months out, my husband couldn't commit to availability for something and to then find out that it was because he was keeping a secret on his sister's behalf. I think I could find myself questioning months later about the nature of our relationship. What other secrets are there etc? And having been so upset, to then have the sister giving out photos and eye rolling is a reminder of all that.

I think you need to get some professional help OP, it is simply not normal to be so upset by this nor for such a long time

Perhaps this has triggered something from your past - you need treatment.

Your DH and his family must be getting really pissed off with you

I'd be upset too. It's really weird behaviour and a good indication of how sil and bil value you and the others.

But try to move on otherwise it will impact you and your self worth.

IME it's v unusual not to invite sibling's partners to your wedding BUT that was what she chose to do, and really yabu to still be so upset about it. It was a blanket rule she made, and not singling you out personally.

I think yanbu to be upset about your Dh's comments about your own wedding - it's really unnecessary for him to start criticising it so long after the event, and understandably has now tarnished your memories of what you felt was a fantastic day.

In the run-up to your wedding did he mention not inviting so many, or leaving partners out or suggest fewer guests and a free bar? I bet he didn't. He's likely re-writing history in order to defend his sister's decision to not invite you.

Fundamentally you and your DH have differing views of family ties. You see partners as included and becoming part of the 'in-laws' family - he doesn't so much. In a way, he's got a point - I have people in my wedding photos who were there because they were with my siblings, but I no longer see because they've since split. My own marriage has broken down and my family no longer see my ex-DH, despite him being treated as one of the family for over 20 years... I wouldn't actually advocate for not inviting sibling's partners to weddings "because they might split up" though!!

I do think you need to find a way to let this go - you didn't go to one wedding, so what? I honestly wouldn't care if I never went to another wedding again - they're usually a day of standing around, bored to tears, and then too much booze.

and this really demonstrates people’s different opinions. If my DH’s brother got married and had a small wedding where no spouses of siblings were invited, I literally would not give a single shit. In fact, I wouldn’t give a shit about the fact he was getting married in the first place tbh because I barely know the guy, I see him less than once a year and I generally don’t care about weddings and marriage. If he was someone I liked and had a genuine friendship with I STILL wouldn’t give a shit because it’s not a personal snub and I firmly believe everyone should have the wedding they want, including non-wedding elopements where no one is invited at all. Getting married is no one’s business but the two people getting married and I really struggle to understand the strength of feeling some people have around other people’s weddings. They’re all the same cringe fest pantomime anyway.

My DD's friend from school was one of the girls killed on our Norfolk estate in January a couple of years ago by their dad... that was devastating too.

So sorry for your Dd's loss, it's definitely a very traumatic thing to deal with. I share your POV that some things put everything into perspective. 💕

That does sound upsetting, but you have to realise that your SiL just doesn't like you enough.

Take the pressure off yourself and now dont bother one iota with her.

Op. Yes it was a bit odd to exclude in-laws but to be devastated afterwards for months is not normal behaviour. Re your husband comments about your wedding. Loads of people including me would have done some stuff differently with the benefit of hindsight , I certainly would have . It doesn't take at all from the fact that I had a lovely day.

Kindly you have yourself worked up here over relatively small stuff. Try to move past it before you damage your relationship with your husband.

I agree with this.

Fundamentally your DHs family have different values.
I would be really hurt by this and so would most of my (large) extended family as we value "family" so would my DH's...

Its not the wedding itself, its what it says about how they perceive your place in the family.

Some people just wouldnt care about this

Fwiw op i would be very upset too, more so with dh though for thinking this was ok. So what if the other uninvited spouses are fine with it. Good for them, but this is you and your marriage. The giving of photos as well was rubbing your nose it it. If it was me I would take it that I am not seen as part of the family by them but I would expect to be a priority for dh as he would be for me. I can honestly say I have never known a set up like this.

This 100%. If I was not invited to my husband's brother's wedding it would seriously reframe my relationship with all my in laws and my position within the family. I'd be beyond offended. That's because in my - and my in laws - families (and in many many others too) marriage is regarded as creating family bonds that go beyond just the two people standing at the altar. When my in laws get old, it won't just be my husband visiting and supporting them, it will be me as well, for example. You don't get married and sever ties, you create new ones. That is how marriage works for many many many people. To exclude a spouse from a wedding is to say 'you aren't part of our family'. It's horrible.

I’ve read both your threads.

Whilst you think you have a nice DH because he doesn’t shout at you (it’s not 1950 and this is not the barometer of a good DH), I think your DH is rude and antisocial and he’s a chip off the old block. In fact ALL his family are rude, disrespectful and antisocial.

Your DH is extremely rude about your BIL. That’s your DSis’s husband and she would be crushed if she heard this. As for your FIL calling him Joe90, he’s a wanker too. I just wouldn’t have it.

Sorry to say that your issue here is your reaction to all the above. In your shoes, and I have had similar issues I would;

1. Tell your DH that from now on he can go to PIL/ SILs on his own and you won’t be going any more. They don’t want you there, so stop wasting your time.

2. Just drop the rope. No more wifey work, presents etc. Don’t tell DH what you are doing. Just don’t do it.

3. Tell your DH and FIL that dissing your family is off limits from now on, or you’ll be losing your shit.

4. When your SIL rolls her eyes at you just say “oh SIL are you ok there? Have you got something in your eye?”

I wish we’d done this. We had a small wedding with parents, grandparents and siblings only but did invite the siblings’ spouses and their children. Both couples have since split and divorced.

Jesus, it's done. Its not like you can go back in time and change your wedding, is it? I'd focus on the state of the marriage, not the wedding that's already happened!

It sounds as if your DH keeps his family separate from you, never integrated and kept apart so that you are not part of his family.

He is rude about your family and the way you want to bring everyone together

Way too much angst! How did the others react?

Oh for God’s sake, OP. Let it go.