Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

No, don't do that. At the moment, you (and his other family and friends) are the same, rational, sensible crew in contrast to her craziness. If you start down this kind of route, it blurs that distinction.

How did it go at his friend's birthday dinner? We're there any repercussions from her?

There was a thread in here a while back where a 16 year old DS became infatuated with an older woman who’d isolated him from his family and friends. The OP posted on and off over a very long period and eventually he saw sense and it was over. I think he moved in with her for a while. I’m rubbish at getting around the search things on here but if anyone else remembers it is able to find it there might be something there that could help you.

I can imagine how awful this is. But hiding his passport etc is playing into her hands, and will do more damage than good overall.

If you explain to him how insane it is to hide a passport etc, which is what she’s suggested, how can he be confident that she won’t hide or destroy his passport to stop him leaving the states?

Wanting to meet a girl and “settle down” at 18 is a bit unusual. Being desperate for settling down, and being in an abusive relationship rings alarm bells about his self confidence and self worth.

You need to work on this big issue of confidence and self worth, rather than focusing on logistical issues such as hiding passports and banking travel etc.

Could he have a session with a counsellor? An advisor who specialises in abusive relationships?

I'm normally all for he's an adult etc etc but this is just madness

his sister asked him what he would do if she came to him with this relationship and he said he'd end it on her behalf- yet he can't seem to apply it to himself.

He’s asking for help here - subconsciously or otherwise he’s acknowledging here that he isn't able to do this for himself and he’s hoping his family will do so on his behalf.

You can’t let him go. Something horrendous could happen to him, she could decide to accuse him of a crime (assault/rape) in revenge when he tries to leave, she could get herself pregnant to tie him to her, she could kill him or get someone else to.

He is a victim. You wouldn’t hesitate for your daughters. He needs your help and intervention.

If he were to overstay his visa I would dob him to ICE, short term pain for long term gain. And no, I am not joking.

And do not do anything at all to facilitate the relationship is she does come to UK (which is very doubtful) - do not offer lifts etc. She is not a GF she is random stranger on the internet after his money.

A family member is a gamer and through games met his now wife from America. They got close before meeting IRL. He visited one year (at new year I think!) and they decided they wanted to be together, looking at which country might be the best place to settle, eventually deciding on the UK (not sure if she was pushing for that). She came over, I believe getting a visa was a challenge and very expensive. They ended up getting married (and keeping a secret) to expediate the visa process. She's worked a bit but doesn't currently, apparently nothing available that suits her skills. They seem happy enough and have been together 8 years now although he spends far less time with his family who he was previously very close with and works very long hours to keep them both. Your story slightly reminds me of how they got together and you might argue if she was looking to get to the UK and become a housewife then she has achieved her goal. I hope you can figure something out, sounds very stressful.

If he goes the likelihood is that she is going to get as much money from him as she can. You are going to be faced with repeated desperate messages and calls from your DS to send money, because his return ticket has 'disappeared' and he has no way of getting home, or because the GF's mother is seriously ill and money is needed for medical treatment, or some other story. Given his age the only way to protect him from this is to stop him going, removing passport is an excellent idea. And do not be tempted to pay for GF to visit UK. Depending on where she lives this girl may well be after a VISA, but one thing is certain, her behaviour is not typical of someone who is just looking for a relationship.
Can you restrict your DS from speaking to her? Switch off internet at night, stop paying for mobile so he has to himself?

You can't love someone you have never met.

I think that at 18 and still living at home his parents say he has to toe the line, whatever that is.

I don't go along with the 'he's 18 he can do what he wants'.

Being an adult means behaving like one, including personal responsibility. Making sensible choices.

It's not just at 18 someone 'becomes an adult'. In law yes, but that doesn't mean in everyday life.

it does sound concerning regarding some of things the "gf" is saying about you and your family and about your sons interactions with friends.
What does your son think about what the gf is saying?
Where does the gf live and has your son actually seen her ?
Has your son done any due diligence on the gf?
Id be reverse image searching her photos .
Bottom line is your sons 18 and can do as he pleases and thats hard when you suspect he may be being manipulated or worse....

I think it’s a first love lust thing. In time it will pass he’s only 18 however he needs to be informed of the potential dangers of what’s ahead if he does go and see her. How old is she?
And has he sat and talked to his friends about it? Does he have any female friends because they’re likely to be a lot more honest than this guy friends?

I think, if he’s living under your roof, you’re entitled to keep hold of the passport for now. Does he have any Aunties or uncles he feels more comfortable talking about these things with?

So we need to work on his self-esteem perhaps it just feels to him that this is the only woman that wants him or likes him right now. Once he meet someone, new it will pass

We have Claire’s law in this country, is there anything over there where you can check up the background of her or her family? I’d look into it if I was you. Please stop him from going especially after the brother and gun come t she sounds unhinged.

The most worrying is the veiled threat 'don't forget my brother has a gun'. Could you get advice from your local police? Have you seen the message or is this what your son has told you? Could your son be persuaded to screenshot the messages (assuming he still has them) and send them to you? You need evidence, not just your son's say so. It could still be a scam but equally an unhinged very real woman. How old is she supposed to be? The manipulation and the extent of it, seems too much for the average 18 year woman. Perhaps I'm wrong, I don't know. I imagined someone older, to be able to behave in this way and to this degree. Your son could very well be in danger if he travelled to the US to see this woman. Local police here, can contact local police in the US, I don't know how easy that is, but it can be done.

I'd be worried she'd hide his passport so he couldn't come home

When I was his age I wanted to do something my parents didn't agree to and they said that, and also said that if I did, I couldn't live with them at home any more - that would be IT!

Looking back it was an idle threat but at the time it worked.

If you are as close to your son as you say, I think I'd work on the 'we really don't want you to go and , as your parents. we hope you will do what we say because we are genuinely worried for your safety.'

I am usually first to say Oh they're 18, they're adults etc... But in this instance, I am inclined to agree with this - hide the passport.

She sounds like a lunatic and he is definitely in an abusive relationship. Is he able to explain why he doesn't end it or what is keeping his interest?

I was going to say you'll have to let him learn his lesson. But since this update, I actually would tell him no and hide his passport. That is threatening behaviour. No way would I allow him to go now. However he is 18 and could technically move out and get a new passport and do what he likes. What about getting another respected person involved? To explain to him that this isn't normal behaviour. Perhaps a charity that deals with people fleeing from domestic violence?

Someone I know was in a relationship with a similar person but from another country and they are a few years older. She was a similar level of batshit but it went on and on because the guy felt sorry for her, she was clearly not well emotionally, and he didn’t want to upset her by breaking up. Even though she lived in a different country everyone thought if he blocked her she might just turn up at his house and smash his car/break in the house/camp outside/try to get him in trouble at work or just generally do something unhinged. Absolutely need to nip this in the bud and not let them meet. Only good thing about this situation is she’s in America so it’s not as quick and easy to fly over like Europe!

You could be writing about my BIL OP, except my BIL is a mentally vulnerable 30 year old who is currently visiting his girlfriend in her home country.

He has been threatened with guns by her family, the local law enforcement saw his reaction as hysterical, his girlfriend tries to tell him we are horrible people, at home she stays on a video call with him 24/7, like even when they both sleep, in different time zones so she can make sure he isn't up to no good. Tells him that she got pregnant by him and has aborted the baby from the last time he visited, waits till he visits and tells him that he is rubbish compared to her ex, demands money off him, fabricates illnesses and says she needs money for treatment and plays on his infatuation for her.

There's nothing we can do, legally, to stop him.

The only option left now is withholding his passport which will cause world war 3, DP and DFIL have hid it in the past from previous visits and he rung the police on them and they made FIL forcibly return it.

You must be utterly beside yourself with worry. I know people have the right to make mistakes but this is too much.

I'd hide his passport tbh, he's infatuated and not thinking straight and she is either a professional scammer with 50 fellas on file or a nutjob and not safe to be around, especially on his own in a country where everyone has a gun.
He's still a big child at 18.

For what it's worth - I don't think it's a scam. If it were a scam it would be constant love bombing with subtle manipulation. Scammers wouldn't be 'pretending' to be so completely batshit for exactly this reason - people stepping in and saying you can't go.

I just think she's just unhinged.

Hide the passport now!

Oh jeez I didn’t think about this!

He needs to be 100% sure of her age and the age of consent in that state.

No, you can't, you would be making the situation much worse.

Have you spoken to your local Police?