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Original poster

Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

417 replies

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 10:58

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

OP posts:
hadanamechange · 16/12/2025 14:58

KingfisherBluey · 16/12/2025 13:59

You can't love someone you have never met.

I think that at 18 and still living at home his parents say he has to toe the line, whatever that is.

I don't go along with the 'he's 18 he can do what he wants'.

Being an adult means behaving like one, including personal responsibility. Making sensible choices.

It's not just at 18 someone 'becomes an adult'. In law yes, but that doesn't mean in everyday life.

Edited
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No clue what you’re on about, as I never said he was in love with her.

Nor have I said any of what you’ve just written

SophiePie · 16/12/2025 14:58

This reminds me of Mary from 90 Day Fiance. It didn't end up well for them but they're still together apparently.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY-sPxlsk44

DollyPinkDaydream · 16/12/2025 14:53

@OneCheeryGoldMoose No real advice I’m afraid, but following as our son (also just 18) is in exactly the same toxic position. His siblings have tried to make him see sense but no luck as yet. His girlfriend travelled here after six months and they did meet in London which actually made it worse. I wish we had been able to nip it in the bud as he is changing in front of our eyes and it is horrible. We have been woken at three am by him crying as she insists he leave his phone on and then manipulates him when he is tired. He was an A grade student but is now finding his a levels harder as he is permanently exhausted. I just wish he would meet someone real. As I say, no advice sorry, just solidarity…

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 14:52

ComfortFoodCafe · 16/12/2025 14:45

destory his passport. What kind of son goes to meet a random woman who just threatened his mother with a gun?

Huh?

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 16/12/2025 14:47

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:05

We have had many, many conversations, he then gets a backbone and has it out with her- she's lovely for a couple of weeks, then starts her shit back up again.

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He doesn’t need a backbone. He just needs to stop calling her and stop taking her calls. She is clearly dangerous and he is too young and inexperienced to see it. Tell him his passport is lost. How is he going to afford the trip anyway?

ComfortFoodCafe · 16/12/2025 14:45

destory his passport. What kind of son goes to meet a random woman who just threatened his mother with a gun?

OnlyTwelveDays · 16/12/2025 14:44

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:37

I am turning into the mum from the Netflix series The Girlfriend right now because yes I absolutely have and gone to the extent of looking at the van on the driveway and googling her step dads company if I ever needed the info.

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Her parents may not realise what she is up to. Could you message them, find them on Facebook or something, and tell them how worried you are. Tell them you will be contacting the police or social services you are that concerned.
They may be able to sort it out, or encourage her to stop as they don't want the hassle.

Mumzoo5070 · 16/12/2025 14:42

Try searching on Truthfinder website.

Mgi4243765 · 16/12/2025 14:38

Guys this IS 100% a scam, they do this all the time to online gamers. They use voices that are fake and eventually demand money once they "have them" Cat fish at it's worst please ask for a video call with this person live and record it.

justasking111 · 16/12/2025 14:34

There are mother and daughter scams over there my neighbours son was caught in one. He went over. She them said she was pregnant with his child. He had to pay maintenance which he did. Turned out he wasn't the only one paying maintenance.

Go online find the number of the FBI. Call them and speak to an agent. Mention the gun threat.

grindergirl · 16/12/2025 14:33

OP, this girl/woman is way beyond any bounds of normality. I don't think hiring a PI sounds crazy, but you could probably find out a lot of basic info cheaper (exact age, criminal record, etc) by using one of the US background check sites. I have never used one myself but www.ussearch.com appears to be endorsed by media such as CNN, CBS etc. I agree with hiding/destroying his passport. Birth cert too. That will make more difficult to get a new passport quickly.

SonK · 16/12/2025 14:33

Please hide his passport, I am genuinely concerned for your son.

Also maybe message her on social media to stay away from your son otherwise you will contact local authorities about the gun threat she made - I would never advise something like this but in your case you really need to protect your son x

He will be angry when he finds out, but will get over her in a month...

Holycowhowmuch · 16/12/2025 14:32

I think his dad should fly out too its worth the money to meet them. Without saying hes going. Your son is being sucked into trouble. His dad could be keen to see the US. This will show the girl that your son has support.

Maray1967 · 16/12/2025 14:28

Minjou · 16/12/2025 13:06

Not if he's making terrible ones. He may technically be an adult but he obviously needs saving from himself.

I'd totally hide his passport

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I have DSs older and younger than OP’s and I would go the same. Hide his passport and do everything you can to prevent him going.

Is there any way you can make a complaint about her to the US authorities? The comment about her brother having a gun is disturbing in that it appears to be a threat. I think I’d contact the US embassy and explain your concerns. You might get brushed off as he’s an adult but it might be worth a try.

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 14:26

TortoiseEnthusiast · 16/12/2025 14:21

I think it might be worth taking him to a clinical psychologist ASAP. There's some reason why he is being taken in by this. You need to build up his skills so he doesn't go straight from this idiot to another one.

Have you tried taking him to a church here in the UK? If he wants a wife and kids and the SAHM thing then a church is a decent place to look. Preferably a student one.

We actually suggested this to him. He really is a hands on homebody and as stupid as it sounds his personality matches someone who wants to be a SAHM and do all the stuff with kids. Not trying to be misogynistic in anyway, but that's what he wants so we suggested Church.

OP posts:
Mydahliasareshit · 16/12/2025 14:23

AllotmentTime · 16/12/2025 12:08

Either you hide his passport or she will.

This. You still have time to save him.
Imagine how you will feel for the rest of your life if you don't.

Incelebration · 16/12/2025 14:23

KimberleyMilkado · 16/12/2025 13:24

A few people mentioned safe sex/birth control. He should also be prepared for the don’t you trust me? Don’t you want to feel close to me? I thought we were exclusive? Prove it to me approach.

That sounds entirely in keeping with the behaviour of the "girlfriend" thus far.

TortoiseEnthusiast · 16/12/2025 14:21

I think it might be worth taking him to a clinical psychologist ASAP. There's some reason why he is being taken in by this. You need to build up his skills so he doesn't go straight from this idiot to another one.

Have you tried taking him to a church here in the UK? If he wants a wife and kids and the SAHM thing then a church is a decent place to look. Preferably a student one.

TY78910 · 16/12/2025 14:19

Sounds like Mary and Brandan from 90 day fiance.

ChikinLikin · 16/12/2025 14:19

TidyCyan · 16/12/2025 14:13

This is a great idea and all I can think of to be honest. If he seems (sometimes) receptive to how ridiculous this all is then he might be willing to speak to an advisor at something like The National Domestic Abuse Helpline or ManKind.

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I agree that he needs counselling. The fact that he is telling you about her threats and coercion means that he is actually asking you for help. I would tell him clearly that she is abusive. I would insist that he sees a counsellor to discuss this online 'relationship'. I would say that if he does not, you will report her to the police as an abuser because coercive control is a crime. And I would actually do that.

Mamamia2019 · 16/12/2025 14:19

Oh this is so tough! As a boy mum this is my worst nightmare! I am all for not interfering for risk of ruining your relationship usually.. but in this situation that passport needs to go! I would do it veeeeeery subtly. I would plan the week or two before by acting like you have “accepted” that he’s going to see her and acknowledge he’s an adult etc, and then I would buy him a few small travel items such as a travel pillow, a few dollars etc. so he thinks you are on his side. Then you put in place operation ruin passport, I think destroying rather than hiding may be better as will look an accident and then as you have been appearing supportive of the trip he won’t suspect you! You may have to sacrifice another passport from the family to make it look less obvious. Also will have to be veeeeery close to leaving as he can get a same day passport replacement so would literally need to be the night before I feel. If you do it 24-48 hours before there’s a chance he could get to the passport office to replace. Long term I don’t know what you will do, as ultimately you won’t be able to do this a second time without him working out you’ve sabotaged him! Good luck xx

MistressoftheDarkSide · 16/12/2025 14:18

Rinoachicken · 16/12/2025 14:06

his sister asked him what he would do if she came to him with this relationship and he said he'd end it on her behalf- yet he can't seem to apply it to himself.

He’s asking for help here - subconsciously or otherwise he’s acknowledging here that he isn't able to do this for himself and he’s hoping his family will do so on his behalf.

You can’t let him go. Something horrendous could happen to him, she could decide to accuse him of a crime (assault/rape) in revenge when he tries to leave, she could get herself pregnant to tie him to her, she could kill him or get someone else to.

He is a victim. You wouldn’t hesitate for your daughters. He needs your help and intervention.

I agree with this.

Unfortunately the natural hubris of youth and subliminal gender conditioning might be at play here. Young men can be flexing their independence and thinking they know it all, without recognising they benefit from support and guidance at any age. We circle back round to realising no man is an island as we mature I feel.

It might also be worth pointing out that his "GFs" behaviour, pitting him against his mother, is a power play just to make him exchange one alleged female thumb for another. The mature position is to not play that game - disengaging from the GF removes the source of "oppression" she is desperately planting in his head by denigrating his "masculinity". The GF is creating a conflict that didn't previously exist. If this situation is the only rocky thing in his family dynamic, the source must be scrutinised, accurately identifued, and hopefully eliminated

Mapletree1985 · 16/12/2025 14:17

Can one of you, mum or dad, go with him?

Mizztikle · 16/12/2025 14:16

Id hide his passport 1000% he will be in a totally different country, anything happens he'll have no one and you wont be able to reach him.
I dread to think what could happen if she gets 'triggered' and hurts him or herself. What if they have and argument and she calls the police?
Hide the passport for his sake.

TidyCyan · 16/12/2025 14:13

Derbee · 16/12/2025 14:10

I can imagine how awful this is. But hiding his passport etc is playing into her hands, and will do more damage than good overall.

If you explain to him how insane it is to hide a passport etc, which is what she’s suggested, how can he be confident that she won’t hide or destroy his passport to stop him leaving the states?

Wanting to meet a girl and “settle down” at 18 is a bit unusual. Being desperate for settling down, and being in an abusive relationship rings alarm bells about his self confidence and self worth.

You need to work on this big issue of confidence and self worth, rather than focusing on logistical issues such as hiding passports and banking travel etc.

Could he have a session with a counsellor? An advisor who specialises in abusive relationships?

This is a great idea and all I can think of to be honest. If he seems (sometimes) receptive to how ridiculous this all is then he might be willing to speak to an advisor at something like The National Domestic Abuse Helpline or ManKind.

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