Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

Definitely hide his passport. I have a feeling he'll ruin his life if he goes to meet her in person. Look at how much she's been able to manipulate him without ever meeting.

@OneCheeryGoldMoose Is this an extremely attractive and charming Chinese woman who wants your son to invest in her cryptocurrency scheme?

Can you get his friends to organise a party/get together where there are other girls and get them to take photos of him sat with girls? Friends share lots of photos on social media tagging him and she will see them? This may be enough for another period of being given the cold shoulder.

Shred his passport and turn off the WIFI.

Take him on holiday.

Show him this thread.

Edited to say obviously holiday will need to be in this country with shredded passport!

Hiding his passport will work as a last resort, but perhaps one thing to try before getting into that level of confrontation (which he will very much hold against you, for "ruining his life") is to point out to DS that if he turns up on his own aged 18 there is a pretty good chance that the US simply won't let him in.

The immigration officer will absolutely ask a young solo male traveller what he is there for. If he says he's coming to meet up with a girl who he met online then there will be a lot of questions about who he's staying with, who is paying for everything, etc, which he is unlikely to be able to answer convincingly. He will as a minimum need a letter of invitation with a phone number where someone who is clearly a mature adult picks up and confirms that they are indeed delighted to host DS in their home while he gets to know their daughter better. And if he tries to claim any other purpose for his visit they will pick that up immediately - lying to the immigration officer is an immediate refusal anywhere in the world.

They also probably won't just put him on the next plane back - he can look forward to a week or two sleeping on a very thin mattress in an ICE detention centre.

Hide the passport? BURN it.

My son was in a similar situation - she was loopy but the one you describe is insane!

Your DH sounds like he is on the case!

This is coercive control and it’s illegal. It’s difficult since the abuse is coming from someone in a different country, but I’d still be tempted to call 101 and log your concerns (especially given that she’s making reference to her brother having a gun). Her behaviour is appalling, and no one should have to tolerate it. In these situations the person being controlled often has trauma bonding, which would explain why your son is struggling to apply his own logic to the situation. I really feel for you OP, you must be scared senseless.

Im sorry but I really dont think you can hide his passport. That would push him to her and prove her right! You need to sit down and talk to him very seriously.
how did he actually’meet’ her? Does he have quite low self esteem?

Does he facetime/zoom etc? Has he only seen photos? How old is she?

Yes, some people seem to act as if only men emotionally abuse their partners, by trying to isolate them or gaslight them. Not true at all, just as it's not true that all men want to play the field and all women want to marry.

Im sure murderous psychopaths can seem amazing and nice at times ! Take his passport .

Hide the passport. Christ I'd be forgetting to pay the WIFI bill at this rate....

I have teenage 2 sons too. Im thinking of keeping their passports in a safe! 😁

in this day and age you can do some behind the scenes research on her discreetly, find out her DOB, what area she grew up in, what schools she attended ... gonna take some time but be worth it

This is worrying I'd feel exactly the same.
I don't know what advice to give I have 2 sons I'd be concerned.
You can't do anything other than what you are already doing keep close to him it's really good he confides in you.
Hopefully something will with click with him and he will forget all about her x

https://rainbowpractice.nhs.uk/wellbeing/abuse/

This sounds very concerning for you OP, I’ve just read your opening post to the thread.
I’ve added a link for you to check out with some support agencies specifically helping male victims of DA. Maybe you could see if they do any advice for him to be able to recognise the signs of control. I’m thinking that if he won’t listen to his family perhaps he’d be able to recognise and realise some of the warning signs in a relationship if it were there for him to see from the support agencies.

Agree completely.

I join the hide the passport camp on this one.

Im another one in the hide his passport camp. My friend's cousin was in the exact same situation over a decade ago. He ended up moving over to the US where she then proceeded to cut him off from all friend's and family, would not allow him to do anything other than work and even then kept tabs on him constantly. She was verbally and emotionally abusive. He eventually committed suicide. It was awful for the whole family. They knew she wasn't right and were constantly worried for him being with her but after his death the full extent of the abuse came out as a result of a police investigation. I won't go into their personal details of it but the things she was doing and saying to him were horrendous.

Do anything possible to stop your son going there.

So when she was screaming at him down the phone to hide in the airport toilet and not go on a holiday in case he talked to a girl, doesn't he see how ridiculous and controlling that is? if anyone did that to me I'd never talk to them again, I really hope he went on that holiday and enjoyed it.

He needs to learn this lesson otherwise it will be another mad lady in some other logistic nightmare. The best thing you can do is safety net. If any family or friend could go over with him, that would be the answer. I'd jump at the chance to go to America but I get that might not be financially viable for everyone or tricky with work/ dependents. I would ask around tho, as even if I had a cousin I didn't know that well, I'd be happy to fligh over and check in with them every 12 hours while enjoying a solo vacation. At 18 it is a long way if s*it turns crazy.

"Home Page - Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3)" https://www.ic3.gov

@OneCheeryGoldMoose have a read of this advice the FBI provides

I would also ask if he’s scared to break up with her for any reason?

This might be a good point to make to drive to finally get through to him and male him think about the long term practicalities

Have you told him that you’re terrified for him in as many words.
It’s one thing for a teenager to hear that you disapprove and think he’s making poor choices and another that you are actually genuinely scared for him.

Not wishing to worry you further but my cousin came to my country for his 21st. He then went with another cousin from here to the USA - think boys trip. He met a girl at a bar in the USA who turned his head, he came back here then flew back out and got married to her in the space of about 6 weeks from when they met. Girl lived with her mother. Girl and mother then hid his passport and effectively kept him trapped in the country so he couldn't get back to either his home country or here. Complete with accusations of cheating while he was at work or phoning his family (before mobiles were a thing) while girl and mother lounged about at home having their lifestyle funded by my cousin. It took a significant period of time for his immediate family to get him out and divorced. He has never left his home country since. While I would normally say the responsibility for poor decision making is with your son, in this case, it looks like this girl is a bunny boiler and your son doesnt have the life experience to see it. Who threatens their supposedly significant other with remember my brother has a gun? Good luck mama bear

I agree. He is living under their roof at their expense.