Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

417 replies

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 10:58

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

OP posts:
TriesNotToBeCynical · 16/12/2025 11:38

Tell him to put on his online visa application that he is going to America to visit his fiancee. Then the Americans won't let him in.
Edit: you don't have to tell him the last bit.

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:37

Laiste · 16/12/2025 11:34

Is she living with her parents OP? If you've found her address ect have you street viewed it?

Just thinking about what op said about her simply being a weird girl in her bedroom. Could you at a push contact her parents ? Or is that mad?

I am turning into the mum from the Netflix series The Girlfriend right now because yes I absolutely have and gone to the extent of looking at the van on the driveway and googling her step dads company if I ever needed the info.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/12/2025 11:36

Has he thought about how he would even get a visa to work in the US? Or does he intend to join her in her basement?

Catsandfluffybankets · 16/12/2025 11:36

Stompythedinosaur · 16/12/2025 11:00

At 18 he has to make his own decisions.

Just stay available and keep reminding him it isn't normal to try to cut a partner off from their family and friends.

With this level of craziness it wouldn't matter if he was 18 or 80. She sounds dangerous and unhinged

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:36

viques · 16/12/2025 11:33

Wow, is there any way you can encourage him to commit a crime , get a criminal record and so not qualify for an ESTA? Sorry, unfunny joke, but I really think you have to somehow stop him going there any way you can. she sounds absolutely unhinged.

I genuinely also got to this point of thinking.

OP posts:
QuickPeachPoet · 16/12/2025 11:36

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 16/12/2025 11:00

I’d hide his passport. Then deal with the fallout afterwards, better angry and disappointed than dead

Totally agree. He might be 18 but he sounds very immature and not at all streetwise.

Blueberryme · 16/12/2025 11:35

https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/fa/fraud/personal-fraud/romance-fraud/

There is a Support section on this Met Police link under Romance scams. It might not be a scam but someone may be able to point you in the right direction for advice.

Or, try a domestic abuse charity for men.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 16/12/2025 11:34

There was a time that I was somewhat in favour of letting my sons learn the hard way, but not any more given the antics of one particular bunny boiler that have massively impacted all our lives over the last year, and left us fearful for our actual safety.

At this stage, I'd be moving heaven and earth to nip this in the bud and keep her on the other side of the pond. How deeply have you been able to look into her? I think I'd try and cyber Miss Marple her as much as you can. She could still be a scammer, and perhaps angling to start a new life in this country. If she is "genuine" she's still coming across as manipulative and unstable. She could be interacting with multiple "vulnerable" people.

I hope you can stop this before it turns into the sort of left field nightmare that no-one believes can happen, and then suddenly there's a Netflix series....

InterestedDad37 · 16/12/2025 11:34

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 16/12/2025 11:00

I’d hide his passport. Then deal with the fallout afterwards, better angry and disappointed than dead

This 👆
He's not living in the real world. Does he spend his whole life in front of a screen? Has he got any relatively sane friends here?
Yes, hide his passport. Or make sure you have enough savings for the lawyers and prison visits.

Laiste · 16/12/2025 11:34

Is she living with her parents OP? If you've found her address ect have you street viewed it?

Just thinking about what op said about her simply being a weird girl in her bedroom. Could you at a push contact her parents ? Or is that mad?

viques · 16/12/2025 11:33

Wow, is there any way you can encourage him to commit a crime , get a criminal record and so not qualify for an ESTA? Sorry, unfunny joke, but I really think you have to somehow stop him going there any way you can. she sounds absolutely unhinged.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/12/2025 11:33

You need to show your DS information on abusive relationships, let him see that she's controlling and using him. He might be trauma bonded to her and that will make it harder for him to see reason.
If he goes to the US it's easy to get married with very little notice, if he goes he might not come back. I'd get his passport out of the house so he can't find it.

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:32

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 16/12/2025 11:30

Well then we have to assume she has successful groomed him which is even more worrying. The best thing you could do is get him out on a date with a real girl that lives somewhere near. Anyone you could set him up with on a blind date if need be. A house party? Something over Christmas? He needs to get out of the house and get laid.

Show quote history

She definitely has- it started off with him laughing about her being crazy to the point the other week his friends birthday meal was on and she told him he wasn't allowed to go which he then considered to keep her happy- his dad piled him into the car and dropped him off and told him she could text his dad if she had a problem.

OP posts:
NCSue87 · 16/12/2025 11:32

Muffinmam · 16/12/2025 11:29

Hide his passport.

Show quote history

Yes, I am all for kids needing to grow up and cutting the apron strings but, this.

Reminds me of the Ashley Wadsworth story. He may be legally an adult but kids don't suddenly get a surge in development on their 18th birthday. I'd be 100% stopping him in any way I could if he were my son.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-63200246

Schoolchoicesucks · 16/12/2025 11:32

How old is she? Do they have a (frankly bonkers) plan to get married and live happily ever after together? Where do they plan to do this? I'd imagine from what she says that it would not be somewhere close to you. How does he respond when you ask him if he's prepared to move overseas and leave his family, his sisters behind for a girl he hasn't met in real life and who doesn't want him to speak to or spend time with other people - male or female? How does he feel about American politics and gun culture? How does he feel about being expected to provide financially for her?

I think you and your DH and your daughters and your DS's friends all need to come together with a united front and explain that you care for him and you don't believe this is a healthy relationship. Continuing it is not in his best interests. And that you won't support him to continue it. You won't be helping him book travel, sort visas. You won't be pandering to her unreasonable demands that he doesn't spend time with his family and friends, doesn't talk to you. That you want him to be happy, travel, meet someone. But they have to show him that they will enhance his life and she is not doing that. She causes friction with his friends and family. She threatens him. She is jealous.

Thisistyresome · 16/12/2025 11:32

I wouldn’t normally suggest this, but have you considered hiring a PI in the US to look into her?

There may be a treasure trove of stuff that makes him wake up.

I would also look to utilise his peers. If he has friends who can see that this is not safe then he may be more open to them. Do they realise how odd this is?

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 16/12/2025 11:30

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:26

No he doesn't. I have 0 idea. He is conventionally good looking and tall and has a fantastic full time job. He gets alot of attention from girls. This is the thing, his sister asked him what he would do if she came to him with this relationship and he said he'd end it on her behalf- yet he can't seem to apply it to himself.

Show quote history

Well then we have to assume she has successful groomed him which is even more worrying. The best thing you could do is get him out on a date with a real girl that lives somewhere near. Anyone you could set him up with on a blind date if need be. A house party? Something over Christmas? He needs to get out of the house and get laid.

Laiste · 16/12/2025 11:29

It's a couple of numbers to report to in case of suspected scams or fraud

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:29

BadgernTheGarden · 16/12/2025 11:27

I would be very concerned about him going to meet her, you have no idea who she is in real life. She may be a total con artist, once they meet and presumably have sex, he is going to be in deep, they may even get married straightaway. At least make some backup plan, some code word if he's in trouble and another number to ring if she won't let him ring home. I would be in full panic mode.

Edited

He made a comment about he would have to be back on a certain date for work and she went well you aren't great at alarms so I might not wake you up on purpose so you miss your flight. I think I've decided I'm taking the passport. F this honestly 😤

OP posts:
Muffinmam · 16/12/2025 11:29

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:01

Honestly I can see her being on this level. She sent a message saying remember my brother has a gun. I am terrified.

Show quote history

Hide his passport.

Laiste · 16/12/2025 11:29

Just had a little google for you re: scam advice.

Theres lots of it! This is the first thing which came up

Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/12/2025 11:28

Laiste · 16/12/2025 11:26

If he's really dead set on going could you go with him?!

I think this might be a good way round. A family holiday to the US! Son gets to 'drop in' on his 'gf' (meeting online is VERY popular among gamers) and you could be around to pull his arse out of the fire.

I don't think gf is a scammer, they tend to be a LOT cleverer than this. I think she's probably an unsocialised girl who lives in her parents' basement and doesn't work or go out much. I suspect meeting in real life will kill a lot of the attraction he has for her - but he really does need to meet girls in real life.

BadgernTheGarden · 16/12/2025 11:27

I would be very concerned about him going to meet her, you have no idea who she is in real life. She may be a total con artist, once they meet and presumably have sex, he is going to be in deep, they may even get married straightaway. At least make some backup plan, some code word if he's in trouble and another number to ring if she won't let him ring home. I would be in full panic mode.

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:26

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 16/12/2025 11:23

Does he have additional needs OP? Any reason why he has elected to have a girlfriend he hadn’t met that lives abroad over a girl that lives locally and he can actually spend time with?

All of those are red flags. A healthy relationship would be with someone who you saw regularly, made you feel loved, no drama, actively encouraged positive relationships with friends and family.

I don’t know about hiding the passport, I would literally say ‘absolutely not’ and list the thousand reasons why this person is dangerous. He sounds naive at best and part parenting is to give kids the insight to see the lunatics a mile off. Maybe you e been too nice and too kind so far.

No he doesn't. I have 0 idea. He is conventionally good looking and tall and has a fantastic full time job. He gets alot of attention from girls. This is the thing, his sister asked him what he would do if she came to him with this relationship and he said he'd end it on her behalf- yet he can't seem to apply it to himself.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread