Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

This is much more sensible than hiring a PI or alerting the FBI - which will end your relationship with your son for the rest of your life.

OP, this was us 10 years ago. Son was going through a bad period and he met a girl online in the states, who had very serious MH problems. He booked a flight, they were discussing a mini road trip, and meeting her parents and daughter. 3 days before departure he came to his senses. We showed zero interest in his trip but told him to write out a budget and research the areas she was suggesting they stay. He wouldn’t really talk about why he had cancelled, and still doesn’t, but we think he was depressed, had split up with his gf and was looking for a bit of excitement. The more you try to convince your son, the less he is likely to listen. You could tell him that you are so concerned that you will go with him, see how that goes down! Good luck.

Has he appleid for an ESTA yet? I would be sorely tempted to make a mistake answering one of the questions so that it gets refused and he has to apply for a visa. Not great I know but he is unlikely to get a visa appointment for a while and hopefully you can make him see sense before then. I have a 20 year old and would be feeling exactly the same as you. She sounds like a complete psychopath.

Sounds like this relationship is abusive and manipulative. I have seen similar with my son and his now ex girlfriend.
Be there for him. But gently encourage him to end it. Maybe some resources on abusive relationships?

Agree with this. Ask how he’d feel if his father was asking you to stop seeing your friends etc. What would he say to a friend in a similar situation where they were being constantly mistrusted.

Also be very careful with entering the US at the moment. Immigration are trawling all social media posts of tourists. I personally wouldn’t recommend going there at all right now.

Why is it a stretch? Would you be saying the same if it was an 18 year old girl in an abusive relationship who was being threatened with a gun?

Stop tip toeing around the subject so much and tell him enough is enough.

This isn’t a healthy relationship and this isn’t how people who love and respect and care for each other act.

Have his passport hidden 100%

Please do not let him go to America to see this woman. If he is on her property and does something she doesn't' like - and she has a gun - the law sides with her.

My instinct straight off the bat was that she is using coersive controlling techniques - re-framing you as a narcissist/isolating him/on off vibes. I suggest you ask your question to Chat GPT because at the moment he has distance and being in his home country as safety and you might get some strategies about how to handle this if he does decide to go.

I tend to advise others the really standards response, but if it were my son I would go out side of the normal bounds (but not tell my son).

PI to work out if she is real and if other weird stuff going on locally. What state is she in?

If you know her family details (like the parents business), try calling and introducing yourself as the parent of their daughters online boyfriend who is thinking of coming to visit. Ask about some logistical questions like what is the local area like and how do people get around. You at least can establish she is real and may get intel. Also they may not have a great view of this. You could suggest that your son has saved for a long time to afford he flight perhaps saying you have never been able to afford to go to the US (imply poverty, much less attractive if scamming).

As she has flagged the issue of guns, I would find out the family location and notify the ATF in the US there is demands for money and threats of guns, there is a limited amount they can do but if there is a reason anyone in the home isn’t allowed fire arms they will take action.

I would flag this as a potential scam operating from the US to the FBI, she may be operating this with multiple men and at some point they may need to act. If it is a known scammer you may find that they will tell you.

Make him do the visa in advance, and say on it put “visiting fiancé” that may delay that visa a lot.

Op you know every detail of their conversations which isn’t normal. You’re either snooping or your son is regularly feeding you these dramatic details.

I suspect it’s the latter and your son is very much enjoying being the centre of attention while you wring your hands. Stop rewarding this theatre with attention and the whole thing will collapse.

Yes, I was wondering about that, too. The girlfriend aside, I get the impression it’s extremely problematic travelling in to and out of the States at the moment, let alone running the risk of getting on the wrong side of ICE whilst you’re actually there. I wouldn’t want anyone in my family to go at this time anyway.

I don’t think this is a scam, it’s an insane, abusive woman with access to guns.

Your son is actually in danger if he goes. From accusations of assault, coercion to marry, and this bitch is definitely going to burn his passport.

I think you need to take his passport and lock it in a drawer in your workplace or somewhere similar where he absolutely can’t get it. Don’t say a word so it’s a last minute realisation hopefully.

Then see if he will agree to counselling? His gf says you are controlling so she shouldn’t have any problem with it…

Op would you consider booking a New Year family holiday weekend somewhere lovely - maybe Venice - and telling ds to come and he can visit his gf later in the year? Once you’re in Venice try and keep him really busy so he doesn’t contact her at all for some time, try and “clear the brain fog”.

I’m thinking a bit like suicide - “putting off the moment”, give him more time to reflect before he commits to getting on a plane.

I think it might play into GF’s hands if you take his passport.

How is he spending his free time currently? While you follow all the good advice above, I would also strongly encourage him to see friends/cousins/go out/do normal real life things face to face with people. To the point that if I could afford it, I would treat him and his mates to takeaways/bowling/whatever to keep him busy. Hopefully she will lose her power over him when he's not spending so much time with her online

OP is there any chance your husband can go with him, I appreciate it is a lot of money to travel to the US but perhaps come to an agreement with your son that the only way he can go is if Dad goes, they stay in the same hotel perhaps rooms with an adjoining door and make it a 5 day break so it's no too long for them both to be away.
Your son has to check in with Dad during the day and the evening, etc.
Perhaps reality will set in if he is there and he can see for himself that she is not right as she sounds unhinged.

Other than that the loss of the passport or damage to it, perhaps a couple of your passports as well so it doesn't look obvious to him that you have done that deliberately, again appreciate the outlay for the replacement passports.
This is a horrible situation and I really hope it gets sorted for you.

Is he going to stay with her?

I read this and immediately thought of that guy from Canada or USA who came over and murdered that girl in London! I feel he could be very vulnerable in a strange country with a mad woman (assume her family can't be "normal" either). I'm not sure who can help though as the police presumably can't. A teacher or anyone he works with who he might listen to??

yeah there are plenty girls out there who want a nice lad to be in a proper relationship with.

You say that he is old school, yet he's having a online toxic relationship with someone in a different country, doesn't sound very old school to me. Does he not someone he cant take out to dinner, go to cinema with etc?

Dare i say it but he might like the drama and the "crazy" having someone that obsessed with him is probably quite an ego boost. If not why has he not binned her off.

Oh i'd be right there too!

Could his mate's girlfriend set your son up with one of her friends on a double date? Are there any Arcade Game bars near to you which they could go to for a night out and he can hopefully meet some new girls to move his focus away from this crazy girl? It's likely lack of opportunity to meet girls irl and lack of confidence which is making him zone in on this 'relationship'.

If you get on well with his friends, I would try to enlist their help a bit. I'm sure they're also sick of the drama!

i definitely think you need a bit of advice from someone like a romance fraud support as op linked above.

Even if it's not a scam the same principals apply in that he's not thinking straight and she's talking about money and separating him from family.

get on his social media and write things about trump. He'll be sent right back.

but tbh. how about leaning into it? how much will he need to earn to keep a sahm and several kids? how much jobs pay without even an associate degree in the US. etc etc.

Fuckin hell, she’s batshit. I’m sure there are plenty of batshit women here if he wants one - and their relatives are unlikely to have guns! Seriously though, I actually do think hiding his passport may be the only option, or even just telling her that it’s lost. I really don’t agree with being controlling, but I don’t agree with letting a young man walk blithely off into obvious potential danger either. In a way it sounds like he might be relieved if he can’t go - he really needs to grow a spine though, this one’s easy if she’s not in the country, what happens next time..