Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

417 replies

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 10:58

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

OP posts:
FlockOfSausages · 16/12/2025 13:10

MistressoftheDarkSide · 16/12/2025 12:29

This response is about rank misogyny, lack of insight, naivety and willful ignorance.

Show quote history

Disagreement is not misogyny. It’s also not ignorant to point out how anxiety can be reinforced when an adult child feeds it.

When only worst-case catastrophic responses are welcomed, it’s reasonable to question whether the goal is reassurance at all, or simply keeping the discussion emotionally charged.

Americano75 · 16/12/2025 13:09

Oh, I'd be hiding that passport.

Littlemisscapable · 16/12/2025 13:09

Shakeyourwammyfannyfunkysong · 16/12/2025 13:03

Sorry OP but I think this is one of those situations where I'd just tell him how fucking ridiculous he's being. I'd tell him she's clearly a psycho and you won't be doing anything to collude with such batshittery. Best case scenario she's just an extremely insecure young woman. Worst case she's part of a criminal scene seeing how pliable he is before she lures him out there. Either way you won't be contributing. The passport that presumably you purchased will be hidden, no wifi, no money to fund it and you expect rent if he's to continue living with you. If he wants to make a monumentally and potentially fatal decision then he can do so 100% off his own back and without implementing you or his sisters and putting them at risk. There's being young and foolish but there's no excuse or help for this level of stupid

Yeah this....sorry this is all ridiculous.... and do point out that if he has never met this girl in real life then SHE IS NOT A REAL GIRLFRIEND. I understand your concerns but I think it is time for a family intervention or something....and hide the documents. If he won't listen he needs to speak to a professional.

GoldDuster · 16/12/2025 13:08

I'd kep hold of his passport and birth cert for now, primarily because the issue here isn't her, it's your son's inability to free himself from this shitshow. With your close relationship and open communication you can tell him that he knows you, and he knows you would only do that if it was entirely necessary and it shows how worried you are about him.

I read you said he doesn't have additional needs, I think there is definitely worth exploring though around why he's unable to recognise what's going on and if he does manage to, what's going to prevent a repeat in future.

This website might have some bits and bobs that you find handy, this is a tough one.

Home

Healthy relationships for young adults can be confusing. Love is more than just the way you feel, and we're here to help.

https://www.loveisrespect.org/

LittleBitofBread · 16/12/2025 13:07

Laiste · 16/12/2025 11:22

My gut is that this is a scam rather than a lunatic.

Does she know he's got savings?

I agree, I think it's a scam too.
Does he have any friends who you know well and are mature/relative who he gets on with but is slightly less close than you (e.g. uncle/auntie)? Or godparent? Any other adult basically who is a bit less close and who he might possibly listen to more than to his parents and siblings.

Or come back to the conversation where his sister asked him why he can't apply the idea of her being in this sort of relationship to himself. Push for an answer.

He's 18 and you can't realistically stop him, but in this case I'd be tempted to hide his passport!

Minjou · 16/12/2025 13:06

Stompythedinosaur · 16/12/2025 11:00

At 18 he has to make his own decisions.

Just stay available and keep reminding him it isn't normal to try to cut a partner off from their family and friends.

Not if he's making terrible ones. He may technically be an adult but he obviously needs saving from himself.

I'd totally hide his passport

Original poster
OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 13:05

Shakeyourwammyfannyfunkysong · 16/12/2025 13:03

Sorry OP but I think this is one of those situations where I'd just tell him how fucking ridiculous he's being. I'd tell him she's clearly a psycho and you won't be doing anything to collude with such batshittery. Best case scenario she's just an extremely insecure young woman. Worst case she's part of a criminal scene seeing how pliable he is before she lures him out there. Either way you won't be contributing. The passport that presumably you purchased will be hidden, no wifi, no money to fund it and you expect rent if he's to continue living with you. If he wants to make a monumentally and potentially fatal decision then he can do so 100% off his own back and without implementing you or his sisters and putting them at risk. There's being young and foolish but there's no excuse or help for this level of stupid

I might just bring this up and read it to him later tbh.

OP posts:
Shakeyourwammyfannyfunkysong · 16/12/2025 13:03

Sorry OP but I think this is one of those situations where I'd just tell him how fucking ridiculous he's being. I'd tell him she's clearly a psycho and you won't be doing anything to collude with such batshittery. Best case scenario she's just an extremely insecure young woman. Worst case she's part of a criminal scene seeing how pliable he is before she lures him out there. Either way you won't be contributing. The passport that presumably you purchased will be hidden, no wifi, no money to fund it and you expect rent if he's to continue living with you. If he wants to make a monumentally and potentially fatal decision then he can do so 100% off his own back and without implementing you or his sisters and putting them at risk. There's being young and foolish but there's no excuse or help for this level of stupid

Eyeshadow · 16/12/2025 13:00

FlockOfSausages · 16/12/2025 12:26

This thread is about an immature attention seeking son and an anxious overly involved mother. It’s an excellent example of how drama and theatrics get rewarded with attention.

Around 1 in 3 adults in the USA own a gun. There are more guns than people. The brother owning a gun is just information. He hasn’t been threatened in any way and I would question why he tells his anxious mother every single detail of these conversations.

Have you actually read the thread?

She is clearly abusive and controlling.

The fact that you can’t recognise that means you’re either in an abusive relationship or you’re the abusive one.

He needs to run a mile.

OP and her whole family sound great.

Eyeshadow · 16/12/2025 12:58

She is abusive.

But I would not hide his passport (although I understand the temptation).

Is he staying in a hotel or her house?

I would encourage him to only go if he stays in a hotel and she visits him and then do things whilst they’re there.

He is an adult and you have a lovely close relationship. But I am concerned that if you hid his passport he would be more sneaky and go anyway but not tell you.

One of you needs to say your honest concerns and how you’re worried about him going.
Then have him memorise your number and tell him the exact address.
Worst comes to worst he could ring you and you book a hotel room for him for a couple of days.

I would worry that she would hide his passport.

If this was my DD I would booking a holiday so I’m only a couple hour away but I realise that might be a bit much.

Francestein · 16/12/2025 12:56

God, she sounds the type to either get pregnant or fake a pregnancy to manipulate him. Make sure that he totally understands the difference between contraception and safe sex and that he will need to be 100% responsible at all times.

Naunet · 16/12/2025 12:56

FlockOfSausages · 16/12/2025 12:26

This thread is about an immature attention seeking son and an anxious overly involved mother. It’s an excellent example of how drama and theatrics get rewarded with attention.

Around 1 in 3 adults in the USA own a gun. There are more guns than people. The brother owning a gun is just information. He hasn’t been threatened in any way and I would question why he tells his anxious mother every single detail of these conversations.

Don't be fucking ridiculous, it was clearly said as a threat and if you're incapable of understanding that, then you're no use to this thread.

This really sounds like it could be a romance scam, video calls mean nothing both voice changers and filters exist, and scammers do use them.

Red1991 · 16/12/2025 12:53

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 10:58

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

Honestly felt like I was reading a script to the first half an hour of a thriller movie that girl sounds super unhinged and I fear if your son leaves to visit he may not come back do whatever you need to do to try and stop this from happening or go with him if you can’t either way it does not sound safe

CitizenofMoronia · 16/12/2025 12:51

This has the makings of a Netflix documentary

everythingswrong1971 · 16/12/2025 12:50

If you’re hiding his passport (and I agree that you should) hide his birth certificate too as getting a replacement passport is easy and quick if you travel to one of the passport offices. My daughter did this when she got a job abroad suddenly and thought she’d lost her passport

PInkyStarfish · 16/12/2025 12:48

She maybe deranged or she may be putting on this act to manipulate him as she is a criminal or is under the influence of criminals to lure him out there.

Can you find out more about her by searching her name and location and ping reverse image search in her photos or screenshots of her videos.

TheSquareMile · 16/12/2025 12:48

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:01

Honestly I can see her being on this level. She sent a message saying remember my brother has a gun. I am terrified.

Show quote history

I think that this might be an offence according to US law, OP, as it would constitute a threat. Someone with a knowledge of US law will know the specifics.

I would be inclined to go in to your nearest Police Station with a copy of the message about the gun and ask if you could speak to someone this week.

Incelebration · 16/12/2025 12:47

She sounds certifiable.

Also you can't be the girlfriend/boyfriend of someone you've never met.

tara66 · 16/12/2025 12:47

OP son surely needs a reality check. He is living in a potentially dangerous dream world re. this girl. He has not set any boundaries re. how she needs to behave with a minimum of respect to you etc. She thinks she can totally control someone she has never met. He is also quite immature inspite of good job. It would be a mistake for him to go to USA. You need to stop him although perhaps when/if he actually does meet her he'll suddenly ''see the truth'' - but that may make a bad situation even worse. Sorry I don't know how to stop him (maybe he'll get the flu'?)

Sunshineandoranges · 16/12/2025 12:44

kirinm · 16/12/2025 11:08

Is this person definitely real as in they are who they say they are? I’m not sure how you deal with it OP but I think I’d be tempted to hide the passport too.

Have you explained how this behaviour is not rational or normal?

Has he dne a recerse image google search to check sheis who she says sheis. He sounds vulnerable

Mangelwurzelfortea · 16/12/2025 12:44

It sounds like a scam. Also, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I don't believe you can be in a 'relationship' with someone you've never actually met.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 16/12/2025 12:43

maltravers · 16/12/2025 12:37

Could she be blackmailing him (if he agrees she’s crazy but won’t get rid)? The distance has partially protected him from her behaviour - how will it be in person having this controlling person ranting at you?

This is also an angle to consider op and to discuss with him. Lots of people trustingly send images online and then find themselves blackmailed with them. It's definitely a topic to broach with him incase it's a worry of his about ending things with her.

TinyCottageGirl · 16/12/2025 12:43

Burnnoticed · 16/12/2025 12:35

I have watched this documentary and will never forget this poor boy. I talked to my son about it at the time. Must have had such an impact on his whole community too 💐

Show quote history

It was a massive wake up call to the school and local area - lots of kids were just starting out gaming then and it made the parents do their research. It was a terrible loss as he was a genuinely lovely boy and makes you realise these things can happen to anyone.

Thisistyresome · 16/12/2025 12:42

LostittoBostik · 16/12/2025 11:55

This is much more sensible than hiring a PI or alerting the FBI - which will end your relationship with your son for the rest of your life.

Show quote history

You don't tell your son if you hire a PI! A report can throw up details and where to find them. We won't understand all information sources in the US.

If she has 3 kids that she failed to mention and that is in the public domain then you can use that information to wake the son up.

You do this stuff subtly. You have to be very clumsy to have the son burn the relationship with his parents.

TinyCottageGirl · 16/12/2025 12:40

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:42

He's struck gold here by qualifying in a dying trade that was calling out for people. He's on nearly 2k a month at 18. We have made it exceptionally clear he won't be on the same money in any other job at his age.

Show quote history

It's a decent salary especially for his age, but thats not going to fund a deposit, mortgage, wife and kids! Explain how much all of this costs and he might have second thoughts...
I really feel for him as sounds like he has been groomed. But no way would my parents let me travel to America to meet an 'online' friend when I was 18.