All our children are different religions, Christmas is feeling overwhelming

I think if DD1 wants to be there then she accepts that you do Christmas your way and she needs to accept that. Otherwise she shouldn't come. Everyone else is fine with that, and she should know how important it is to you.

Christians choose to celebrate CHRISTmas on the 25 of December.

You are being amazingly kind and thoughtful about this. I am feeling it is your DD1 who is the main one you are worried about upsetting. Have one more conversation with her and explain you are getting gifts for the other children and would love to get at least one gift for her child(ren) - and check she has a plan for managing any issues if her own children are upset if they receive nothing. Do not completely change what you do - this is your celebration of Christmas- to which she is invited and welcome.

Why would anyone be on her side though? She tries to start arguments about religion and she refused to attend her brothers' weddings. If Muslim imams can participate in events at Westminster Abbey then there was nothing in her religion stopping her from attending her brothers weddings. She now refuses to let her parents give her kids Christmas presents while insisting in being there for Christmas day and knowing all the other children will receive presents from their grandparents. She's an unpleasant and intolerant person who will just ruin the day for everybody with her current attitude.

Is there a reason why you felt the need to tell us that your eldest dd married a “lovely” Muslim?
Why wouldn’t he be?

@Ellipsie firstly you sound really thoughtful!!
Could you maybe just send a group message saying something like "really looking forward to having everyone here making lovely memories together! I know we all celebrate or believe things differently and I love you all so much so please be gracious and patient with me if I get things wrong or muddled - hopefully we all enjoy the chaos/day etc" or something like that. I think children (even adult ones) can have really high expectations of their parents always getting things 'right' and a little reminder that we are human/things are tricky framed kindly might remind them particularly DD1 to be kinder and more patient with things if they dont go to plan.!?

The politics around gift giving needs to be managed by your daughter. Your DD1 needs to explain to her children that their cousins will be receiving presents as is the custom at Christmas. She also needs to explain that she’s asked granny not to buy them a gift, but granny will give them a gift when they celebrate Eid instead.

All the other stuff should remain the same - grace before eating, background carols. DD1 knows what Christmas at your place is like and it’s unreasonable for her to expect you to forego your faith, and cultural, traditions in favour of her own.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful mother/grandmother and I wish you a peaceful Christmas.

OP could you have a small "birthday present" you "forgot to give" on standby for your other GC?
Wrapped in birthday paper not Christmas?

That would solve GC feeling left out with new toys, means your DD1 shouldn't throw a wobbler and you can have dinner comfortably?

I would also say its your house so if you choose to drink then that's your choice. Your DD wanting to come is great but she also needs to realise that you have your religion too and hers doesn't trump because she argues.

I think I wouldn't give any of the children presents on Christmas day. Bring them to their houses (obv depending on location) on Christmas Eve or Stephens Day. Or just send them home un opened in the boot of the parents car.

Ask DD1 what she has told her DC about why she will not get a present and follow that lead.

In general thought I would just hold it as a very special day that family gather to enjoy good food and each others company.

I am Catholic (more like you DS's) I will go to mass Christmas day but I can't say religion impacts the days celebrations much. It didn't in my very Catholic grandparents house either.

I would post gifts to the kids who can have presents. I.e. don't do a gift-giving thing on Christmas Day, but have it be about food and company.

I also don't think you need to worry too much about "this is what we believe" etc - just be you and let the parents handle those conversations, unless it comes up organically.😊

Not in my experience. Non-faith schools in England and Wales make kids perform Christian acts (unless they are withdrawn from them by parents).

Why? She’s been asked to respect her daughters wishes, that works both ways.

Division is the ugliest thing about religion.

I thought that all faiths taught tolerance as one of their pillars.

with all due respect OP, your DD1 is not showing any grace for any of you.
I say this as someone who also has a DD1 who can be ‘prickly’ and at times can dictate situations.

But I feel that this would be a hill I’d personally be prepared to die on. She’s essentially disrespecting your beliefs and your traditions.

I feel a little sorry for your son in law who has obviously navigated these waters all of his life and managed to navigate them well. He’s a great role model for their children

YABU.

You are massively overthinking. They're coming to your Christmas celebration, they'll just have to fit in. It's their kids get upset as they're excluding them from parts then that's their problem. 4yo understand they don't get presents on someone else's birthday and they'll get them for eid.

Also you could put small party favour on the table, goody bag for kids. That's pretty normal at formula events and not religious.

Don’t forget the holiday armadillo!!

You sound really thoughtful and kind and respectful of your family and their different religions.

Trust your instincts.

This. You are coming across extremely biased against DD1. My guess is her defensiveness has a reason. It doesn't seem like you are on her side too - rather you are siding with her younger sister against her.

I doubt there are any Christians , apart from young children and those young in the faith, who don’t know that December 25th is not actually the day Christ was born. It’s the day chosen to celebrate his birth. Easter is hardly ever celebrated on the day Christ actually was crucified too.

It's quite simple really. I think you are making a big issue out of something small.

Either send the presents beforehand or if you really want to give the presents on Christmas day, allocate a time and let your daughter's know in advance. DD1 can either arrive late or go to the shops or for a walk with her child when you distribute gifts.

I really can't see why a Muslim who is happy to come to yours for a Christmas celebration would refuse a gift. Gift giving is highly commendable in the Muslim faith and is very big in the culture. It makes no sense religiously to refuse a gift. Maybe there's something deeper - perhaps she wants to see you as her mother respect her parental choices and respect her as a person, and not paint her as difficult, and the younger one as the easier child?

I had a colleague who is devout Muslim, he has 4 children, although there is no religious aspect for them at Christmas, the children all have Christmas presents. Although I don't think Santa brings them.

In some instances, due to what happens behind closed doors, people like your DD ( christian family now Muslim) feel they have to prove themselves. You might not see it but it could be happening.

Christmas is not a Christian festival.

https://www.history.co.uk/article/20-festive-facts-you-didnt-know-about-christmas

DD2 doesn’t worry me as much as DD1 as she can get very upset when she feels we aren’t respecting her, where as DD2 just goes with the flow, but that has always been their personalities. Personalities are a complex mixture of nature and nurture @Ellipsie but if people are different then it's normal to respond to their preferences unless there's a strong reason not to.

What DD1 is doing is not unheard of. You are choosing to compare it to DD2's approach, which you personally prefer, but an alternative approach would be to say 'I parented my children the way I saw fit, and I respect my children's rights to make their own parenting choices, which may not be the same as each other'. Maybe you need space to think through how you feel about both your daughters and their choices to step away from your traditions.

(Respecting parental choice obviously doesn't apply if something is seriously wrong, unhealthy or harmful.)

Ah that makes sense. You do sound like you’re afraid of her at some level.

Your house, your rules

This is a bit dramatic.

Your DD knows what’s good for her child and had chosen to bring her round yours for Christmas, knowing what Christmas entails.

MarvelousMonsters, a great post. As another poster added, Christmas was adopted by Christians,it was a pagan winter festival..I'm not in any way religious. Brought up Christian, actually attended church till I was 15. You can't have religious discussions with small children, they don't understand. Personally, I would go for no gifts. We did this years ago, when by the time people married had kids,there was 35, it got ridiculous. No one was upset or offended,we just had a lovely day, enjoyed each others company . Christmas has turned into a ridiculous greed fest.