All our children are different religions, Christmas is feeling overwhelming

I agree that giving presents to some people but not all could be awkward. Not giving DD1 and her DH gifts would be one thing - that's what they requested - but the children could find it upsetting

One option, and the one I'd probably be most tempted by in your shoes, would be to attend Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve then keep Christmas Day itself broadly secular (without actually denying that it's celebration of Christmas). Those who are receiving presents can come round early so that your DD1's children aren't upset.

As an alternative, could you remove the gift exchange from Christmas Day? Many cultures exchange Christmas gifts at other times - e.g., the Germanic countries tend to swap gifts in the evening on the 24th, or Spanish and Latin American people swap gifts on 6th January to mark Epiphany or Three Kings Day.

Why does Christmas have to be modified for other religions but other religious celebrations get to be respected as they are?

This is very sad but it has to be said. Your DD1 doesn't have much respect for anyone. Yet all the rest of you have to tippy toe around her. The fact she didn't go to both her brothers weddings is rude in the extreme. People go to weddings of other faiths and none all the time. You should do what suits you, you seem a very kind mild mannered good person and you shouldn't have to be worrying about 'offending' anyone. You're actually being too kind and you still won't get it 'right' because DD1 will take umbrage at something.

Buy presents for all your grandchildren and if DD1 doesn't want one for her children then leave them under the tree for DD1 to ponder on. There is nothing in the Koran that says a child cannot accept a Christmas gift. I'd warrant Mohommed would think it unkind, ungrateful and childish to be acting in this fashion. If the gifts are unwanted bring them back to the shop in the New Year or rewrap them for a birthday next year. Problem solved.

BTW is your daughter a perfect muslim in all aspects of her lift? She seems very high handed, easy to offence, even easier to give offence, rude, petulant and awful. To people who seem to be trying to bend over backwards to placate her every possible whim .....

You know this is why religious parents draw very firm lines and set strict rules on interfaith matters...Christians are just more LIBERAL about it.

Judaism = No interfaith marriage is religiously valid.
Islam = Muslim men may marry Jewish or Christian women; Muslim women may NOT marry non-Muslim men.
Christianity = interfaith is Permitted but discouraged.

There will be plenty of liberal British Jews and Muslims who will play along with gifts and food, but if they're serious about their faith, Christmas won't matter much. Just the way it is. Not an excuse for rudeness, but you can't expect them to observe it as a religious holiday. In most Muslim countries and in Israel, Christmas is just a 'normal working day'. Have you tried having a talk over tea about presents giving? She's your kid.

I think in this family religion defines them. They seem inflexible with old religion and new found ones. How divisive it all is. It’s not meant to be like this. Surely people can take religion away for a day when guests are present. Do the religious stuff the night before or early. Then entertain the guests. People always fall out over religion and obviously DD1 has found one to be precious about. It’s all sad and not tolerant or welcoming.

I was surprised about this no gift thing. In our village (I´m in Spain) on the evening of January 5, the three wise men visit and have a gift for all under 12. All the little muslims queue with all the other kids and get their gift, their (mainly) Moroccan parents don´t seem at all bothered by this. On the other hand, converts (like the OP´s daughter) tend to be more fanatical than those born in the religion in my experience.

I agree with this. I'd also be a bit nervous about how the day will go, sounds like there are plenty of grievances that could be aired! If two of the family don't really speak to each other that's going to be hard. And dd1 clearly isn't one to compromise.

This all the way

Your house and if you want to buy gifts for your visitors, you can. Doenst have to be from father christmas or in religion related wrapping paper

your dd is being unreasonable saying no gifts - who does that to a 4 year old. Cruel!

As a grandmother its a pleasure for you to gift and see their wee faces when they receive and open a gift - why should you and the children be denied that. (I presume you dont start with.... we emmulate the three wise men who took gifts for baby Jesus).

What @Hercisback1 said. They can deal with this. Give gifts as you usually would be none for the child who isn’t allowed them. Or that family comes later after Christmas gifts have been distributed.

Your Muslim daughter is clearly not going to back down. If she, raised Christian, is rejecting Christmas gifts for her children, she is doing it in the certain knowledge that they are being excluded from one of the biggest British cultural traditions and these children will be coming up against this all the time. I'm sure she is going to have answers for them - you are in the clear. Bigger issue imo is why she is so rejecting of her heritage. Plenty of people would be able to compromise but not her. It's not like you are expecting them to attend church.

I would give the gifts prior to Christmas Day, so it isn't obvious to those who aren't getting them.

Apart from that, I'd celebrate as normal. It is a Christian festival after all.

DD1 is a massive problem. Not going to her brothers weddings is dreadful, really the venue trumps love of family???

Did you and your husband have words with her about this??

I think you’re trying to tiptoe around her. Do Christmas as you do, have the treasure hunt (don’t ask!) If she kicks off tell her to behave, Christmas is about family as well as religiosity.

Your DD1 knows that and that is the problem, she wants you to change how you celebrate.

I'm wondering if this is what it's all about as far as DD1 is concerned. I think you should hold fast to your Christian way celebrating Christmas. We are Christian country... be proud of that fact and don't minimise our faith.

Read all your other messages now. If she missed her brothers weddings for being in a church I guess she is extremely orthodox. I have never ever heard of any religion doing that - I have been to Christian weddings with Muslims in attendance. Our local mosque even attends some events at our church! You have also said she has a temper and could get angry. So for that reason, I would say tell your DD2 the issue. Say you would like to do pressies before church and DD1 arrives, as you don’t want her children left out. Then say you are happy for DD2 to stay at home while you are at church - you always pick up some Christmassy snacks, or ask her if you can put the pressies in a bag or give the kids their pressies once DD1 leaves. Maybe you could pick up some Christmas crafts for the afternoon for all the kids to do - don’t even have to be majorly Christmassy if you are worried. Allows them to do a fun activity. Or a board game. It will take the focus away from their other toys. Might be a way round it. Aside from this, it isn’t for your kids to dictate it.

DD1 sounds like she has gone very hard line and if any religion is missing their brothers weddings and dictating her child being given presents I would be very worried. I can’t imagine you turning up at Eid and refusing to have presents, asking them to play no music and not mention Islam. The GC have an opportunity to be brought up very tolerant - understanding Christian, Jewish and Muslim faiths. That is probably what to aim for.

I haven’t RTFT, only your posts OP. If it hasn’t already been suggested, I would say the presents are from Santa and that Santa brings presents to the children who write to him. That way it’s your DD’s responsibility to explain why she doesn’t want her children to write to Santa.

She will be growing up in a whole country of children getting presents at Christmas, and this will happen every year.

I have grown up in a very multicultural area and have lots of friends of other religions and they all do some form of gift giving and celebration at Christmas. As with your DD2, it’s the culture of the country they live in so why not enjoy the fun? Your DD1 sounds like she wants to pick a fight about it. YANBU to be struggling with it!

You have a choice to make. Either Christmas is a Christian event all day, done the way it’s always been done, and you don’t mind who chooses not to come. Or Christmas is a family event and from now on you will do your acts of religious devotion privately before/ after having guests. You will have a Muslim/ Jewish/ Christian family for the rest of your life. With a little flexibility you could bring everyone together.

It does sound difficult.
How about New Year presents or something, and take Christmas out of it altogether?

ETA: you should not be "terrified" of saying the wrong thing. You are in the UK? Christmas is A Thing here, and anyone who lives there needs to realise that even if they don't celebrate, other people do. So, stop being terrified if something slips out - as long as you aren't trying to convert anyone or change their minds you are fine.
TBH your DD1 sounds like the worst kind of convert, the religious zealot. Lots of my muslim friends have been to church celebrations, why wouldn't they? it is the same god.

Religions all preach tolerance - time for everyone to practice it?

Cant you just quietly give gifts that they can open later at home. And have the cultural aspects at home...tree, food etc. But do the church bit only with those that actually go and worship. So basically make it a get together but just be involved in the christmas bits with those for whom it is directly relevant. . Bit of a juggling act, i know, but it shouldnt be strategically impossible. And maybe in future invite them on different days over christmas. . Perhaps a garden party in the summer with no religio jnvolved would be a better way for cousins to meet and retson contact.

As a Christian, nothing would ever stop me acknowledging Christ and only Christ as God. I would buy all the children gifts, and they would be Christmas presents.

This is so cruel. What on earth has Santa got to do with baby Jesus. Christmas and Christmas are two separate things imo. One being a religious celebration, the other being a western cultural norm. I would be having serious words with DD1 and reminding them that they live in England!

I would probably politely say if they don’t want to celebrate Christmas then they probably shouldn’t come to your house to celebrate Christmas…. Christmas is a religious holiday at the end of the day, you don’t have to be Christian or even religious to celebrate it but you can’t just pretend there’s no religious/christian element to it. It’s very nice of you to be so considerate though, they’re lucky.

We are going to my in-laws for Christmas. They say Grace. We bow our heads and look respectful. No one asks Jesus to bless my kids as they did that once and apparently my face had strong feelings. We can watch and be respectful both ways - they just flew out to attend my daughter’s bat mitzvah. They nodded and looked respectful and didn’t say anything they didn’t believe in. There are so many ways to respect each other without participating in a different religion so I think you have a daughter as a bully problem more than anything else.

Seems to me that your eldest daughter only wants to attend to make some sort of point and I’d be telling her that all the children will be getting gifts because that is how you do Christmas and if she doesn’t like it then she should come later in the day . I certainly wouldn’t be party to upsetting a small child .

Depends on how they’re being raised. I’m a member of a liberal Jewish congregation and we recognise either side - the important thing is if the children are being raised Jewish and identify as such.

(Though yes, not all sects would agree and nor would Israeli law unless they’ve - the children or the mother before having them - formally converted)