All our children are different religions, Christmas is feeling overwhelming

I'd need a spreadsheet 😂

Just call it a family day/dinner. You’ll have church in the morning to meet your religious needs and then a lovely day with your family.

Maybe give the other grandchildren their presents to take home and open if you’re worried about upsetting the others?

You sound like such a lovely, kind mum and grandma btw 🙂

@Ellipsieyou are so kind and are trying so hard to keep all of your children happy. Does DD1 give Christmas presents to you/her siblings/nieces and nephews? Or does she give them presents at Eid? I assume her siblings also can’t give presents to her children.
I do think maybe she should visit either on Boxing Day, or after dinner on Christmas Day, for the afternoon and evening. This would give you all the chance to celebrate Christmas and exchange gifts first, and possibly reduce the time she has to argue with her sister. But you would all have the chance to see her on Christmas Day which I’m sure is important to you.
she does need to realise that just as she would welcome you to celebrate Eid with her, she should also be willing to celebrate Christmas with you.

I was just wondering about the catering. What do you roast your potatoes, parsnips in.

OH it's too damn exhausting to host a zealot convert 🙈. The majority of the family are easier and less obdurate.

This! Have the Christmas you usually have!

if your muslim daughter doesn’t want the focus on Christmas in terms of gifts, then make them token Holiday Gifts just so they have something to open.

the fact of the matter is that she has chosen a path that’s different to yours, but if Eid fell at Christmas would she expect you to ditch your traditions entirely?

… actually IME… best not to answer that.

get on the WhatsApp and inform them that it’s Christmas in your house, that there will be token gifts for all the kids because it’s your traditional, there will be church for those who wish to attend, not for those who don’t.

incidentally, being Muslim doesn’t mean you can’t set foot in a church, it just means you don’t have to pray/participate, but she could attend if she wanted to.

at the end of the day… there is only one god and he loves us all.

what about food? Where will you sit on the pork/alcohol question?

im not talking about your Jewish daughter, as it seems she is happy to go with the flow, and wants a more secular approach

She who hosts gets to choose how the celebration goes in her own home, if your DD was hosting, then she can choose to host in her way. I dare say you’d be happy to go along too, because you’re a kind and considerate person. This is ultimately your home, your Christmas and you’re the one going to the trouble of providing it all

It's your Christmas celebration. All children should be treated the same. If DD1 has a problem, she should not come.

Thinking you have the right to dictate someone else's religious celebration is so beyond rude and self centered. Would DD1 appreciate it if you took over her Eid party and demanded she remove all the religious elements? Think about how that would go...

I think the only way you can manage it is for DD1 to come later, after present giving, as her children will be upset to get nothing. I think she's being very unreasonable to allow her kids to engage in only some of the cultural parts - the family get together, without exchanging gifts too.

She's insisted on coming, so may well be in the mood for a row, and might claim that you're not respecting her beliefs, favouring her siblings etc just by having a regular Christmas.

I think she should comes later than your other children, if she comes at all. Would she be open to considering that by going to yours for Christmas lunch, she is observing a Christmas tradition, so if she's so anti-Christmas, she shouldn't attend?

If she does still come, you might want to agree in advance with your husband what you'll do if she tries to get into a row about religion or politics with her sister - if she says something anti-semetic will you ask her to leave? Personally, I think you should if it came to it - it sounds like she could be very keen on making a point.

Which would please DD1 AND absolutely no-one else. Stand up for the majority in your own home.

I think if you go to midnight mass and church in the morning, you ought to spare your family from further warbling. Just feel the love, open your presents, say grace, enjoy lunch. Embrace your grandchildren.

DD1 sounds a bit of a bully and she's definitely the problem.

Could you give DD2 presents before or on the day for opening after?

Normally I'd say fuck DD1 and give her kids presents but it sounds like she'd ruin the day for everyone and you want her there so I'd give DD2 the presents at a different time

No way I'd want to see them open them

I’d give the presents to your children to give to your grandchildren on your behalf Xmas morning x

I know lots of people who have carols in the background … I think saying Grace might be rated, but not carols!

So in summary what you are saying is that you as a Christian family need to be careful to accommodate DD1 who is a different religion but who has no tolerance or respect for your religion. That seems a little odd. Religious tolerance needs to work both ways surely.

You do not need to put your faith second or apologise for it. It is valid.

As a mum I'd be keeping a careful eye. It seems strange that DD1 didn't attend her brothers' weddings.

I would buy all the children a small present from you. Not from Santa....he doesn't belong in the Nativity. Tell the children they are from you as you are celebrating the birth of Jesus and want to share with them.
Go to midnight mass, so no-one has to go on Christmas morning. Play Christmas songs as well as carols...celebrate your Christmas but if you want all the family there, take into account their religions as well, as I hope they would respect yours.

I would try to work out a timetable, probably pushing dinner til later. Have presents before DD1 arrives, and as early as Church service as you can.
The just have DD1 and family for the meal and games.
If she is coming you will have Christmas “trappings” around. But leave the rest of explaining to her/her husband.
But make this clear to everyone, what the timetable is, and why.

You may well have arguments but that sounds as if it is par for the course. (Also prime your sons to “distract” DD1 if necessary.)

Love this. And the present prohibition 😂
OP you sound lovely and thoughtful. Honestly can your dd not compromise and accept a present for her children from her parents. She is making this so overcomplicated and isnt respecting your traditions. Why are hers more important? Hope u find a solution.

Your problem isn’t the different religions, your problem is that your daughter is a controlling bully. And that’s really sad as ultimately your chances of navigating this successfully are low.

I wonder if she or your son in law would be willing to ask their Imam for advice as to how to best navigate it? This must come up not infrequently and perhaps they can offer some guidance as to a compromise?

I think I would be very clear with DD1 that she has asked to join in with your religious holiday and you will be celebrating as you always have.

I would still get GDD a present in winter themed paper as it’s part of my celebration. I would also get her gifts for Eid by the way as a way of recognising their celebration, and I’d tell her parents that in advance.

I’d also be really clear that you wouldn’t expect to join Eid and have it secularised for your benefit and she should not expect the same. If she can’t be civil, she’ll need to leave.

I think it sounds like it will be a lovely event - lots of small children, family who get on - I just think the dd1 should stay away (her husband and children would be welcome!) as she is the fly in the ointment

The religion first stance is seriously backfiring! For whatever reason, DD1 has adopted the family mantra and is sticking to it rather too firmly. If the obvious solution of going with an entirely secular celebration is not going to fly, an alternative might be to ask all the adult children to say something before the meal that means something to them from the perspective of their own religious views - adopting a kind of religious pluralism. What is the worst that could happen? Cold Brussels sprouts?

But let all the children have presents in exchange for this respectful nod to all religions represented by those attending. It does not take Madame Zaza with her crystal ball to see problems ahead if all the children are not treated the same.

But what about respecting you? You are Christian. You are inviting people over for one of your religion‘s high holidays. Why would anyone expect you to male this secular?

would your DD1 make Eid secular / a non-religious festival?

You sound incredibly thoughtful and making small adjustments (as in no presents for her DC / different present times to prevent jealousy issues etc) sounds reasonable. But your DD1 knows what Christmas means to you and how you celebrate. There’s no need to fundamentally change that (imo).

It sounds like a bit of a headache.
I’m assuming you want to go to church Christmas morning so what I would do is give your DD2 presents for her DC to open at home in the morning while your DSs and their DC come to yours earlier and have their presents with you and go to church.
Then your DDs would arrive after church/presents in time for lunch so DD1’s DC wouldn’t feel left out.
However I don’t see why you can’t give your grandchildren presents at Christmas instead of Eid - Eid means nothing to you seeing as you’re not Muslim. Her children are going to realise about Christmas soon anyway as it’s quite hard to miss if they live in the UK!

Also think your DDs (mostly DD1 by the sounds of it) have a bit of a cheek saying they don’t want you mentioning any religious stuff on Christmas Day, if I went to a Jewish or Muslim home I would respectfully observe any praying etc, not sure why they can’t do the same. Their children will be aware at some point that their Mums were raised Christian and that’s part of their heritage too. Lots of British Muslims take part in Christmas in some way.

The only person I know who was raised by parents of different religions (neither particularly religious admittedly) sees it as having the best of both worlds, they celebrated all the religious festivals!

@eqpi4t2hbsnktd I’d suggest they all amended their attitudes. They need to respect each other as family and not define themselves by religion. Look at the conflict it’s producing!

Respect for religion has to go both ways, and these are your children. If your daughter feels disrespected because you do a Santa present for the other kids, then she needs to communicate what she thinks is appropriate, or arrange to visit another time. Ask her explicitly how to manage it.

You're doing everything that has been asked of you, I don't really understand what you're so "terrified" about? You're allowed to talk about your own religion.