All our children are different religions, Christmas is feeling overwhelming

You are celebrating Christmas. Gift giving is part of that. Your DD1 knows that and that is the problem, she wants you to change how you celebrate.

I think you need to say something to DD. Tell her that any child at your house on the 25th will receive a gift. It doesn't need to be in Xmas paper but it is part of your tradition and your faith.

Ask her if she would change the way she celebrates Eid for you?

It's not like you are serving roast pork is it?

That is for her parents to manage

enjoy having your family all together

My kids and I are Jewish and my husband was raised Christian. We’ve navigated a few similar issues but none as complicated as this!

I think it’s important to decide what is most important to you and focus on that - leave the rest aside. There’s no right answer here. Is it most important to all be together? Then you flex everything to accommodate and encourage this. Is it most important to keep your religious traditions? Then you invite anyone who wants to join you and make your peace with imperfect attendance.

My husband and I celebrate everything but the conversation is that he’s joining us for our holidays and we are sharing his. We didn’t do Santa but we have a tree and presents and hot chocolate and baking cookies and all that. Isn’t it nice that daddy shares with us etc.

Do you all live close? Could you drop the gifts round on Christmas Day for the three families who celebrate? Or send them there before Christmas so they open them in their homes? Instead of gifts could you start a tradition of doing something super fun for all the cousins? Maybe they come for Christmas and you all decorate cookies? Think about shared experiences.

I think there’s no chance you could give gifts to 3/4 of the kids and not cause upset so if presence is the most important to you I’d do presents another time.

I think it's odd of her to come for lunch but refuse any gifts. I'm not a muslim but if I was invited to celebrate Eid I wouldn't want to sterilise that celebration and make it non Islamic or refuse a gift if my host presented me with one. I think you should make it clear that while you whole heartedly support your dd's personal choices if they come to you for Christmas then they join in with your festivities or not come at all.

If she insist she wants to be there then she will have to cope, won't she? Respectfully, you should learn to set some boundaries. She wants no gifts for the kids, that's fine. She can handle the emotions that go with that decision. As for policing your conversations around religious aspects of Christmas, I'm sorry but this is just not her place to do. And that's what you tell her.
After all, you wouldn't be insisting on attending Eid and demanding nobody brought up religion (at least, I hope not).

That sounds very awkward and it's that difficult relationship between your two daughters that could spoil Christmas Day. How much does your religion feature on Christmas Day? Could the day be secular without any references to religion at all or isn't that possible?

Your younger daughter sounds more flexible and relaxed than your elder daughter. If DD1 has insisted on no gifts for her children, she will need to deal with consequences of that decision if her children are upset.

Could you give the presents to the children as they leave as a gift to take home? Thought I know that isn't as nice for you not seeing them open them.

The 4yo has doubtless been prepped by parents about this if you've told her others are getting gifts. She will also have been hearing a lot about Christmas at school. I would ask your DD1 how she is explaining about their family not celebrating and mirror that language.

If it comes up on the day, and it may not, I'd say something like, "people celebrate Xmas in different ways. Some people go to church and celebrate the birth of Christ. Some people have more of a focus on sharing time, food and gifts with family. I'm so happy you're here celebrating with us."

I do think your DD1 has a strange attitude about having no gifts but still coming for Xmas. If she's devout enough not to want Xmas gifts, it would have been a lot easier to suggest a large family celebration at another time in the holiday period rather than the day itself.

OK, if you didn't distribute the presents at your house, but everyone opened presents at their own houses before coming to yours, would that work?
That seems like one way to get round the biggest obstacle - the grandchildren perceiving the unfairness.
Then, the big family part becomes a special meal with everyone getting together.

I would still take the opposite approach to PP and buy all the kids a gift. It’s all very well saying the parents can deal with any tears but it’s also your Christmas to enjoy.

I would say unless they can respect your wishes (which to me, are reasonable to ensure each kid has a present), then i don’t think it’s a good idea for them to visit you on xmas day. You also have the right to enjoy it and be relaxed.

Religion should not be an issue that requires such rule following! There’s a degree of intolerance here. Just have a family day and for once, put religions to one side.

You’ve obviously got dc who have rejected your religion and prefer to follow the men in their lives. Religion should not be causing such a minefield and where’s the tolerance of others if present giving isn’t allowed? You all want what you want and don’t seem to value each other as people - just the rules your various religions dictate.

If dc get upset about no presents, that’s up to their parents. It’s not up to you to explain to them. Are they giving you a present or is it just their religion only? It all feels a bit sad to me and dictatorial.

I also know some Muslim families happily give and receive gifts at Christmas. It’s an exchange of gifts! It’s not a crime against religion. You all need to put the rules to one side and enjoy a family day.

The biggest issue here is DD1 putting you in an awkward position with your grandchild - I wouldn’t be happy to leave 1 child out of gift giving either. I’d perhaps ask her if she could arrive a little later to avoid this awkwardness.

The rest of it, I think you are slightly overthinking (with the best of intentions), you are a Christian household and your children are all aware of that, if they choose to spend Christmas in your home they should expect and accept elements of Christian celebration.

Your grandchild being upset is her parents job to manage. You've given an option for buying a small gift and your DD has said no. Respect her parental wishes and have absolutely nothing to do with any fall out. Step back and think "I told you so".

I think it would be easier all round for you to go to see the families on Boxing Day, have a lovely visit then, but not spend Christmas Day all together. Your daughters won’t mind because the day itself is not significant for them; it will avoid any difficulties about children & presents; & enable you (and your sons?) to focus on the religious aspects of the day. You don’t have to squeeze them into the day itself - doing so is clearly already causing stress and may cause awkwardness and possible upset on the day.

Could you get round the present prohibition by having something like a treasure hunt, with mini prizes along the way like sweets, and then a nice cuddly toy as the prize? Being older, the 4 year old will almost certainly be fastest, and then would have something new to play with without it having been presented like a present? The 2 year old probably less likely to be bothered?

Anyone who is joining you for Christmas day needs to slot in with how you celebrate tbh. You are the host, and you shouldn’t be so worried about offending people or giving your grandkids a present.

Instead of bowing down to everyone else, it sounds to me they should also show some respect for your traditions.

I say this as a liberal Jew who celebrated both Jewish holidays and Christmas as a kid, but never Easter. I couldn’t give less of a fuck about Easter now, but it doesn’t occur to me to get offended when my friend sends me an Easter card, or when people buy me Easter eggs, or when I am invited for Easter lunch etc.

It's lovely that you accept each family finding their own way. I guess you just muddle through as best you can. Ultimately it's just belief systems, sit on the fence if you get a tricky question, or allow their parents to answer them.

Agree with all of this. Your children know how you “do” Christmas as they were brought up with it. Quite remarkable that two of your children have fully converted to other faiths though and have become so “devout”.

I think you might have to go down the route of “we believe this but others don’t” as it’s the truth and also easiest for children to understand. At those ages they may not be questioning yet as they tend to just accept things as they are, so it might not be the problem you’re imagining!

Also when they start school this is how all religions will be presented (unless at.a faith school but even then the other religions will be presented in this way) so it will be consistent with messages they may be getting elsewhere (my son is 3 but already aware of different religions / celebrations because of nursery).

I grew up with no religion but always knew that Christmas was the celebration of Jesus’ birth just as I knew Diwali was the celebration of light and Passover was the celebration of the Exodus etc. but as the UK is historically a Christian country many people also culturally celebrate the key Christian festivals.

I agree that you sound very considerate to be giving this so much thought, so your children and grandchildren are very lucky to have you. I would definitely ask your children how they would like you to play the gifts.

And even though this is the first one so it feels like a big deal, they are all very small still and almost certainly won't remember specifics of this Xmas, so you can use it as a bit of a trial run. If the children who won't be receiving gifts (if their parents stick with this plan/request after you check with them and let them know all the others will) get very upset then maybe next year they will change their minds and let them have some gifts. It does seem unfair to me, and I hope they change their minds.

I think the 4 year old is old enough to be very upset when all her cousins get presents and she doesn’t.

Have you pointed out to your elder daughter that her children will be watching others open gifts? Could you perhaps get her to agree to Winter/Happy Holidays/ New Year gifts in non-Christmas wrapping, so perhaps snow flakes rather than Christmas trees etc, and on the label you just write to X, love from not Happy Christmas etc. presumably they will always spend Eid with his side of the family, so they will get Eid presents then?

Your youngest daughter’s approach sounds very sensible to me. Could you ask her to have a word with her sister?