All our children are different religions, Christmas is feeling overwhelming

Yeah, what you want matters too. I would pay due consideration to my kids’ demands but there’s no way I’d leave one grandchild out.

I agree with this. It seems your DD like many converts had become over zealous. Why does she want to come round if she doesn't want any element of Christmas? Surely she should treat it like another day if she's that determined not to get involved? Especially if she's going to spend it not talking to her sister! Is she going to tell her DD that is just lunch with grandma while all her cousins are getting presents, pulling crackers etc? I have Muslim friends who wish me merry Christmas, go to works Christmas parties , send cards etc. Your DD1 is being ridiculous but if she wants to explain to a crying 3 year old that her presents wont arrive until 6+ months later that's her job. What does her husband think?

She needs to grow up, she's clearly holding on to some issues about her religious upbringing and has revenge married and converted and is still trying to prove some a
sort of point....however in doing so she is now exposing her own children to a strict religious upbringing of her choice....how ironic.

@Ellipsie, you use the word ‘terrified’ about half a dozen times. It’s sad that they’re making you feel like this. Do they care?

It’s quite clear that DD1 is the problem here, nobody else seems to have a problem with your idea of Christmas.

I would be reluctant to secularise your Christmas to suit her, she is expecting you to respect her religious beliefs whilst simultaneously refusing to respect yours to a degree.

You’re overthinking this. I’m your dd2, Jewish but celebrate Christmas culturally, in an otherwise Christian family (Dh is an atheist). It’s really hard to get wrong. Give presents (leave it to dd1 to deal with how her children handle that, just let her know what time you are doing presents and you have none for hers as requested), make it a fun day, don’t give everyone Jesus-y stuff. I’ve never been offended by anyone’s celebration of Christmas.

In fact, I (yes, the Jew) host Christmas for atheist dh’s entire Christian family! The others all have weird hang ups that mean they won’t host. I think it’s nice to do Christmas together. It’s not a religious thing for me. Just enjoy spending time together. Don’t lecture anyone about Jesus. No pork or shellfish. You otherwise really can’t get it wrong. Just have a lovely day together.

I’ve been doing this for 18 years. The topic of what anyone believes has never come up. My children know all about different religions from school and casual conversations. But on Christmas, with Jews, an atheist, Christians and BIL/SIL who mostly just eat a lot of edibles and magic mushrooms and believe in pixies sitting around the table, religious beliefs have never come up and I’ve never had to explain why people believe different things.

Your DD1 is difficult. Why can she not celebrate Christmas and Eid? I would find it extremely sad if my child withdrew from Christmas like that. I am
an atheist, but celebrate Christmas and attend church with my very religious mother in law to sing carols. It’s heathy to expose children to different beliefs too. As I said I am an atheist, but was happy for my children to attend Sunday school as it was run by my mother in law and it was important to her.

Yes especially final sentence 🤭

I would message dd1 and say " what's the plan for the children and presents? It'll be upsetting for them if everyone else has a gift snd they don't. How are you going to manage it?"

I always buy my Muslim friend a Christmas gift and she accepts it gratefully. And she gets me something at eid which I accept gratefully!

Yep

Oh ok, this is important context. I think my advice on the presents still stands though. As difficult as dd1 may be, any 4 yo is going to get upset at missing out on presents.

Is she likely to get offended by you saying grace? If so, I would set the expectation beforehand that Christmas will be exactly as it always has been in your house. You will be saying grace and if that makes her uncomfortable you will understand her bowing out of dinner.

I wouldn't change anything though. It sounds like you are respectful of her beliefs so she needs to be the same towards yours.

Can you share your concerns with DD1 and your SIL about their DD feeling left out? Can they explain to their DD that this is a celebration that granny and grandad do and you give her a gift as part of your celebration?

I think if it is explained like that, it will be far less undermining to their beliefs than their DD wondering what is going on and why she is not included @Ellipsie .

Your eldest is bonkers. Stop pandering to her! My Muslim colleagues all participate in our work festivities inc gift giving.

Your DD1 is sticking out as the huge issue here.

I think dd1 is a little unreasonable here, she knows you celebrate Christmas the way you do and is coming to your house for Christmas yet is telling you you can’t celebrate in the way you’d like. I wonder if it’s more her husband saying no and not really understanding why that makes it difficult for you, having not grown up celebrating Christmas?

But still, it’s lovely to have everyone together at Christmas so I understand why you want to try to accommodate everyone’s different beliefs. Especially with all the cousins being close in age, that has potential for family get togethers being a lot of fun in a few years.

Could you just have a lovely meal and play some games together and give gifts to those who are receiving them as they leave? Or if that isn’t possible then explain to the others that they already had their gifts at Eid? But I do think they’re a little too young to accept and understand that…

Can you give presents from you to your dd2 to put under the tree and be opened before they come to your house?

Id put this back on DD1 and Son-in-law, you will be giving Christmas gifts to their cousins. How do they want you to handle dgd not getting anything. You’d be happy to get her something small and say she’s got a s gift because Granny is celebrating her religion and part of that is giving gifts.

Perhaps I'm missing something but surely this can be easily resolved by you not giving the presents on the day? Either you post or drop them off to the grandkids that have presents earlier or you give them to the parents at the door as they leave.

In terms of worrying about what you talk about in relation to your faith, I don't get it really. It's not like you'll be delivering a sermon over dinner is it? Whatever you normally do your daughter is aware of and wants to join you. It's up to her to navigate the 'granny believes this but we believe that's stuff

your DD knows how you celebrate Xmas and is choosing to come. Her family don’t have to join in saying grace. You’re over thinking

The answer is for them to all tell their children that this is the way their grandparents celebrate Christmas and we will be participating in this bit. Honestly, it’s not your job to hide what you do.

Absolutely bonkers! Just have a family day, rather than navigating an obstacle course where you can't even see all the obstacles.

(and in the new year, all become atheists 👍)

If DD1 wants to come for dinner then let her come for dinner but not the early part of the day. Early morning is Santa, mid morning is church then presents, early afternoon is dinner and games/films/whatever else. She can be included but not in the parts she doesn't believe in.

So all are happy to come to yours for secular style Christmas Day? Surely this is great and a fabulous outcome for people of different religious beliefs?
”Religion first” won’t be able to take place whilst you have guests but you will surely be able to attend midnight mass on Christmas Eve night when they aren’t there?
As for the gifts, this is only affecting dd1 so you ask her. I’m feeling really concerned about your children feeling left out, how can we arrange the day so this doesn’t happen.
Maybe the other 3 families come at 10am and her family comes at 11.30am.
It’s not a big problem to solve and feels like you’re panicking over nothing, maybe there’s a back story.