All our children are different religions, Christmas is feeling overwhelming

So she’s a bully, who’s gone all in on her husband’s faith to the extent of withdrawing from her own family and culture.

Whats her husband like?

I would give the children their presents beforehand to open at home. I wouldn’t be doing presents at the table, it will alienate your dd1 and her family - and then a festive treasure hunt straight after lunch for the children to include the garden, so they can burn off some energy. Maybe leave the presents together - so they have to work together to find them.

Then enjoy and celebrate your usual Christmas. Your dd1 may miss elements of Christmas, even if she can’t bring herself to say so. Make her extra welcome.
Place your sons, you or dh either side of her, so dd2 is not sitting so close. Bring in some fun, games and enjoy having your family together op.

I’m inclined to agree with the other posters who’ve said that you should just crack on with Christmas as you would normally do it.

Your DC’s know how Christmas works for you, they grew up with it.
If your DD invites you to their Eid celebrations or your other DD invites you round for Friday Night Dinner you’d just go with the flow wouldn’t you?
I’ve been invited to plenty of events by friends and wider family members whose faith I don’t share, and have enjoyed them. I just don’t actively take part in the religious elements because I don’t feel that would be appropriate - the Muslim weddings I’ve been to for example: of course I’ll cover my hair and remove my shoes, but I’ll sit quietly and respectfully while the practising Muslims do their prayers etc 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you should be congratulating yourself on navigating your children's different beliefs very respectfully, and keeping good relationships with them. You'll manage the present issue somehow. Give presents in advance for them to open at home Christmas morning maybe?

Every culture/religion has a midwinter festival. The Christian church adopted it and made it about the ‘birth of Christ’ but really it’s just a feast/celebration to help us get through the short dark days. All these celebrations are based on either solstice days or moon phases, religions have just attached their deities to them. Focus less on the differing religions and make it a multicultural family gathering.

This is utterly ridiculous. I've been to weddings of all faiths and none. She sounds hard work.

DO NOT PANDER TO HER.

Tell her how things are going to be in advance so she's not blindsided and has no excuse for kicking off on the day. And she can like it or lump it.

You’re overthinking it. Give the parents the childrens presents to open at home before coming.
Your home is a Christian one so no need to tiptoe around celebrating it as such. It’s okay to discuss different beliefs, it’s actually very helpful for the children. Instead of making it obvious how different they are, you can connect through the Old Testament and Abraham, Issac and Jacob, which all 3 believe in.
I’m a Christian ☺️

I am Muslim but love Christmas and always give my kids Christmas presents. I just see it as a cultural thing and fun.

do you think you could keep a few presents aside and present them to your grandchildren as ‘New Year gifts’ but give them on the day? That’s what my religious mum does…

but I see it as the parents’ job to sort out not yours. You sound lovely!

Don’t do this, it could all go wrong g.

I would speak to both your DD and ask how they want to do the present giving. It’s up to DD1 then if her child is upset.

I think - speaking as a Jew married to a Russian orthodox person living in a Christian country - you need to just find a way through, albeit with the difficulty of DD1 thrown in.

What is everyone happy with? A shared meal, some time together, maybe simple games/crafts and family TV? A walk? Do that. Give one set of GC a present for Hanukkah, the other a present for Eid (at the appropriate times), and spend some of the present money on games or activities that they can all do together at yours. At those sort of ages I'd say a bubble machine, disco ball or marble run, Twister type of thing.

‘Terrified’ seems a bit strong. Even 4 year olds can understand that people believe different things.

Instead of bowing down to everyone else, it sounds to me they should also show some respect for your traditions.

This. Because you're Christian you're disrespecting your own traditions.

If you went to your DDs or her inlaws for Eid and they got you a gift to include you, would you be offended? I doubt it.

On the other hand, maybe this is a good opportunity to make Christmas less about presents and "stuff".

After reading this I think your daughter is ridiculous. I work in a christian school with lots of Muslims who come to collective worship, attend church services with children. And I have been with Christian children to mosques and temples. If she's that strict she shouldn't be coming and it's not fair on her daughter. I'm not sure which option you should choose but I absolutely don't think you should let your little granddaughter sit and watch present opening just becUse your daughter is a bit of a bully.

Why is your religion / traditions / culture .. being sent to the bottom of the pile ? She wants you to celebrate Eid, but she won’t offer you the same in return?

She does realise that Jesus is recognised in Islam? That he’s seen as very special, his miraculous Virgin birth and miraculous abilities are both recognised in the Quoran .. Mary is also venerated. He was one of the great prophets / messengers is Islam …if that birth isn’t worth celebrating, I don’t know what is.

Apart from that, a vast majority of Muslims understand that Christmas is a big deal over here, and are not offended by any of it .. most of the Muslims I know are fine to go along with the cultural side of things.

What about having some new toys/colouring books/crayons just ‘at’ your house (these can be charity shop / open so definitely not a present) That way, when you’re exchanging presents with the rest of the family, you can say to DD’s children “Why don’t you have a look in that cupboard, Grandma has got some new toys for you to play with at her house”. If you can’t indulge, distract!

I think you have to be firm, OP. You are Christian and presumably British and you want to celebrate Christmas in your own tradition. That includes the giving of gifts. If your DD objects she shouldn’t come. But if she does she must expect to respect the traditions of your household as you would hers.

Your language is very telling. Why are you “terrified”? Do your children bully you?

it’s Christmas in your house and you do it your way. DD1 sounds a) like a cow if she’s going to sit and watch her DC excluded from presents and b) stupid if she thinks getting a present will stop her child being Muslim. Standouts like one of those tedious converts who are more rigidly religious that everyone born into the faith.

Fascinating how this is a meeting point of religious intolerance between the three Abrahamic faiths.
And sad really, as we see examples of such severe conflict all over the world.

For me- and probablty the majority in the UK religion plays no part in christmas, but as you yourself are religious then maybe that's not an option.

As the two oldest children are a similar age, I want to suggest buying something to leave at your house. Something creative and collaborative that can live in a tub and come out when they are around, like stickle bricks, brio, marble run etc. That way if there's an upset child. 'oooh look what we have for everyone to play with today!'. Not wrapped, obviously, just something you know everyone will enjoy that they can look forward to playing with when at your house.. Bubbles! Bubbles are always good for in the garden.
I would also get something crafty to do - biscuits and icing pens, some colouring things.

With some creativity you can make all the grandchildren feel included.

I think chill. Grandparents are religious so do it X way. It’s up to parents to explain things. My husband and I are atheist and celebrate Christmas… there’s never been any need for religious talk over the period so you could try doing that.

Do also be aware that any stories around Father Christmas are likely to be challenged by DD1's children as they grow up.

I think it's very strange of dd1 to want to join Christmas celebrations but not the gift part!! I think they should have skipped this year.

whatsapp to the lot;
hi, we don’t want anyone to be upset but we are planning on praying before we eat and going to church. (And whatever other religious bits you might do) typically Christmas/hannukah/eid al fitir involve gift giving to children. To that end each grandchild will get 1 gift each that represents their own religious beliefs. Please respect our choices as much as I am trying to respect yours.
private WhatsApp to DD1;
I understand you said no gifts, but I have looked into the religious Muslim festivals and Eid al Fitir allows children to receive one gift. I know that it ends at a similar time to Christmas, so therefore I thought it would be nice for DGD/DGS to receive their Eid Al Fitir gift from us on the day we see them to avoid upset. I’m sorry but it is against my religion to allow a child to go without on a day that is all about giving.

You sounds honestly lovely but I think you are trying to hard. If DD1 is that bothered about her child NOT celebrating Christmas, then she should be opting NOT to be taking her to Christian household on Christmas Day. That's disrespectful. However, if you don't want to rock that boat, could you ask other DDs to come slightly earlier or stay slightly later to do presents without DD1?

Agree. I know you want to spendcthe dsy with all your children but your DD1s bad behaviour is going to ruin Christmas for everyone. If her husband is telling her to pack it in then its nothing to do with religion ( or her being coerced) and everything to do with your DD being deliberately difficult. I bet your other children are dreading her coming round too. She needs to be put in her place and learn the consequences of her actions instead of having everyone pander to her.