DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

I would tell my daughter to respond next time with "you should try not to invade other people's countries, it's less arseholey"

To everyone saying it is ok that the DSS's GF told @shakeitskateit's DD that she is overweight because the GF comes from a culture where they are blunt speaking, and therefore the GF shouldn't have her rudeness and carelessness pointed out to her, why? Why shouldn't the GF be told that she is now living in a culture where it is considered to be very rude, and indeed nasty, to tell anyone they are overweight, but particularly children?

There are many cultures, some of which seem to be very popular with my fellow British people, where if you go to their countries, yet don't take a lot of care to folliw their cultural norms, you can end up in very deep water, and can even be sent to prison if you break their cultural rules. I don't know of any other country in the world - other than the UK - where they basically apologise for having their own cultural norms, and fall over backwards to try and make sure that we never offend the feelings of the visitar - short or long-term - to our shores.

OP, I can understand completely why your DD is feeling as she does, and on Christmas Day, when the rest of you are tucking in to the delicious food, your DD will almost certainly be thinking "oh, I can't eat these roast potatoes, or the roasted carrots and parsnips, and I better only have small portions of everything else, because DSS's GF will be watching me and thinking what a pig I am. I had also better not have any of Nan"s wonderful sherry trifle, or even a mince pie later, even though for the first time ever I am going to still be hungry after my Christmas dinner! I have just thought that I had better not eat any of my the selection box Santa gave me, or even any of the chocolate coins either".

I wouldn't be surprised OP if your DD didn't try to stay upstsirs in her bedroom for the rest of the day, and not even be able to comfort eat any of her chocolate, as she would still be thinking about what the 'GF' had said, and think to herself that she - your DD - really is a pig, and start wondering what she can do about losing weight. I think that most of us Mumsnetters will have very sadly heard the horror stories about the lengths some teenage girls will go to, to try to improve their very unhealthy body image.

One last thing @shakeitskateit, I wonder why the 'GF' didnt say that to your DD in front of anyone else...?

In your shoes I'd 100% prioritise your daughter's comfort and wouldn't make her spend Xmas with DSS' girlfriend (imagine how uncomfortable she would feel indulging in a Christmas dinner with her around!).

But in your husband's shoes I wouldn't see uninviting her as an option because his son may not come either.

It's tricky but I think you should both prioritise your children and celebrate separately.

In the long run, I think someone needs to explain to the girlfriend that it isn't culturally appropriate to point out people's weight in the UK. She has chosen to live here and needs to adhere to local customs to an extent. I can't imagine a HR department taking kindly to her calling her coworkers fat regardless of what is acceptable in her own culture.

OTOH does she have a point? A chubby child becomes an obese adult unless something changes. Maybe look at your portions and between meal snacks. Start an activity together. Frame it as a whole family gets fit in 2026.

Okay are you saying women are not judged by their weight absolutely fucking constantly? Fine if you want to shut your eyes to it but it’s there. Look at Princess Diana who was mocked for being “chubby” and developed an eating disorder, Kate Middleton who has lost an alarming amount of weight since being in the public eye, or basically any female celebrity who has got dragged for gaining even a few pounds. Are you genuinely saying that doesn’t exist? Because you are wrong.

Oh - your poor DD! I remember being that age and on the receiving end of a similar comment and it is awful. Really awful. But I do think the best thing that you can do is to try and deescalate the situation as much as you possibly can, for your DD’s sake as much as for the sake of wider family relations. I would do the following:

• Speak to (or better still, get your DH to speak to) your DSS about it. And speak to him seriously. Acknowledge the cultural difference, accept that the girlfriend didn’t mean to be unkind - but leave him in no doubt that she’s caused a lot of hurt and upset and that he needs to make it clear to her that any further comments of that nature won’t be tolerated.
• Try and minimise the time DD spends with the GF. Put place cards out for lunch - make sure your DD is at the other end of the table etc.
• Speak to DD about cultural differences and explain that, while she is understandably upset by the comment, this doesn’t mean that the GF is a nasty person or that she meant to upset her. I’m sure you can find something to illustrate the situation in reverse so that DD can see what you mean.
• Don’t hesitate to intervene if there are any further comments made by the GF. On that basis, she’s had it explained to her and so, if she continues, it’s then fair enough to regard it as really poor behaviour and for you to say so. You’ll also have been very clear beforehand with your DSS, so he can’t really complain at that point.

Poor girl! I hope you all manage to have a nice day in the end. These things can be so difficult, even when it’s adults involved.

She’s not family.

Great. So she doesn’t come. Problem solved

I don't think his gf should have made that comment to a 14 year old but equally uninviting her (and causing a family rift) isn't justified for what is a relatively harmless and well-meaning comment. Surely families say thoughtless but well-meaning stuff all the time? At 14 your daughter needs to learn how to deal with these and let them roll off her back as retreating is rarely going to be an option and she'll end up with a very small network if she refuses to see anyone who has said something unintentionally hurtful.

Perceived value? JFC. Absolute misogynist drek

Success depends on healthy self esteem for a start

Well, maybe it was an unking comment from someone with a different set of social skills and was probably kindly meant, not nastily. But DD should not be dictating who spends Christmas Day in your house - it's blackmail.

You can't disinvite someone over something so trivial and which DD may already know - which means that your well-meant efforts with healthy eating and exercise may have set up a problem with food which you meant to avoid.
Talk to DD. Talk to DSS. Talk to GF if you can. She may say she didn't realise this was an issue and was just being helpful...
Also, since DD was so upset by this remark, are you sure she isn't being bullied at school?

She’s in England. What other countries do is irrelevant.

Yeah it's bang out of order for a grown woman to instruct a young teenage girl to lose weight.

I remember at about 13 being chubby and very very sad about it. I had comfort eaten due to bereavement of losing my dad.

I remember my cousin's girlfriend calling me 'greedy' at a family lunch one day. It really stuck with me even all these years later. And I did end up suffering from severe ED.

Not that it was cousin's GFs fault. Just that at that age you need to be very careful what you say to girls.

I agree

It’s a very English thing, so many countries are brutally direct about weight and health. It would be the same in France or E.Europe, E.Asia or Nigeria…

It’s a very English thing, so many countries are brutally direct about weight and health. It would be the same in France or E.Europe, E.Asia or Nigeria…

You live in this culture

She is not elsewhere. She is here

Exactly.

Ah right so it’s doubly cultural. Although Russia has comparable obesity rates as UK young Russian women expect and are expected to be slim. Russians in general are super direct.

Completely agree.

At that age my father was always telling me I was too fat. Looking at photos from them time I really wasn’t. I have remembered every single comment. And no its not helpful at all. He was controlling and did it to my mother too.

The OPs daughter is probably very embarrassed and worried what else she might say

If I visited Russia or anywhere else I would try to stick to their cultural norms. That’s basic manners . The GF was very rude and should be told

I can understand why her feelings are hurt but what the GF said isn't untrue and we British are quite peculiar in our insistence on not saying what we are thinking. It doesn't sound like the things you are doing are working if she's still overweight so it might be worth looking at a different strategy and talking openly to her about the issue and what she wants to do about it. If she's so upset by someone pointing it out then that indicates that she's not comfortable with the current situation.

However, it isn't GF's business to be telling DD how to get healthy and I'm not saying you should allow that to continue. It might be a good idea to teach DD some phrases to deal with this kind of thing to shut it down. "Thank you, but my health is my own business and I don't care to discuss it with you," or "I would prefer it if you didn't make comments about my body." You can also shut it down if it comes up in front of you by saying, "As a family, we don't discuss weight or body types like that as it can make people feel self-conscious."

You are a fucking delight. She’s a child. Look at what it did to Karen Carpenter. No excuses, the Russian can be left out in the cold this Christmas.

No it is perceived and meant to be unkind in Russia and nothing like asking someone where their jumper came from. It’s just that it’s socially acceptable in some places to be unkind to people with no pushback.

The girlfriend is a b*tch and I think blaming it on her being foreign is a cop-out.

Your 14 year old is a sweetheart.
The 14 year olds in my family would have let her know exactly where she could put her unsolicited comments…