DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

"are you quite well" is quite a bollock thing to say to someone, no?

In which case, the OP or her daughter asks the DSS for her number? Or asks DSS to pass on her number to the GF? It's ridiculous to drag various members of a family into some drama over one remark that could (and should) be dealt with in a sensible way. Why should DSS have to explain why someone else was upset, when it's not necessarily his perspective?

Huh? Are you quite well or are you totally misunderstanding what I am saying?

This. 💯

Well. You are completely proving my point. Let’s not inflict the harm down the generations now we know the harm it does 🙄

I'm not sure why this discussion has turned into whether it is culturally appropriate or not to comment on people's weights, or what the intent of the DSS's girlfriend was. All this is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is how that comment landed with an impressionable 14 year old, how it made her feel that day, how it is going to make her feel at Christmas (if her family chooses politeness to DSS's GF over prioritizing her comfort), and what lasting impact its going to have on her. I would have absolutely no qualms about uninviting DSS's GF - if DSS has an issue with it, he can presumably go to his mum's place with his GF. DSS is an adult, DD is not.

tbh, it is supposed to be a lovely day, so if GF is coming over and that is non negotiable, then DD must be offered the choice of what to do.

And if she can't go to her dad's? and doesn't want to be confronted with Russian woman? OP can find somewhere for the pair of them to celebrate, and the DH his DS and the Russian woman can have their own lovely party. Hopefully Russian woman is as lovely to two men (highly unlikely IME) as she was to a teenage girl.

Cultural differences and resilience are irrelevant, I would not have my 14 year old daughter feeling uncomfortable in her own home on Christmas Day, not relaxing or eating what she wanted for fear of being judged or another nasty comment.

If she'd said that comment to you OP as an adult, would you want her there at Christmas?

Because @shakeitskateit doesnt have the contact details for this woman and he is the one bringing her into the family Christmas

it’s kind of obvious why he gets the text

It would have upset me but I would have told them so. And because they are a genuine friend they would have taken that on board and apologised and tried not to do it again.

They've actually never commented on my weight. They're not that skinny themselves lol so that maybe why. But they have made other personal comments which quite rude.

They're actually a lovely person and a true friend. Have seen me through some awful times in my life with real understanding.

What I do know, is that with them it cuts both ways. They can take a direct comment back. I just call them out on it.

This is why with the GF I would tell her (or get DS to). Because if it is a really just a cultural misunderstanding she will be upset that she's caused offence. Then you'll know it wasn't intentional and also she can try not to do it in future.

Why is any of this the responsibility of DSS? The girlfriend is an adult, the OP is an adult, why is it necessary to force people into a discussion that isn't theirs to have?

I don’t know if you’ve lived abroad but you don’t stop being English in Russia, she doesn’t stop being Russian in England.

It wasn't a particularly considerate thing to say, but to change Christmas plans over it seems ridiculous.

Your DD is allowed to be hurt, but unless you're advocating for cutting anyone who ever says something hurtful, regardless of intention, out of her life forever (and I'm wondering how this would work when it happens somewhere that she can't exert that level of control) then there's an element of resilience required here too. This is an opportunity to model resilience and emotional intelligence to your daughter, by having - or, better still, guiding her to have - a conversation about how this remark made her feel, and setting some boundaries in future about what she'd be prepared to accept as well-meant, having explained how it made her feel.

I was fat from the age of 12 to 44, so I know how it feels to have unkind comments made about your weight, but I also know that I have to live in a world full of people and find ways to navigate that.

As a mum (family from Central Europe) I probably talk to my children the same way as the GF.

but you are their mum, not some random person who is rude, @FairKoala
and tbh (i don't live in my country of origin, so this is not being rude it is being practical) if you live somewhere you adapt to them, not act rude and then laugh it off with "oh, it's my culture". That is rude, minimising bollocks.

Text DSS and pass on the message that what the woman said wasn’t acceptable at all and perhaps she needs to either apologise properly or make other plans for Christmas. DSS is welcome, but the GF as it stands isn’t

as if being Russian is an excuse, she’s living here right? Time to learn to live in a civilised society.

The point is though, that GF is probably not being a bitch. She just made a mistake based on her own life experiences.

My friend would never intentionally upset me but they have done on several occasions beause sometimes people speak without understanding that it is unacceptable in other cultures.

It doesn't make them a horrible person. It makes them flawed - like the rest of us.

Far better for DD to understand that people say/do the wrong thing sometimes than to demonise someone who may well be part of the family in the future.

But I'd still want GF to say sorry and to acknowledge that she now knows it's not an ok thing to say. She may already know that.

But honestly, sometimes things are said that in hindsight might not have been. Who can honestly say they've never done that?

Would you be cool with your Russian boyfriend calling you fat or not so much?

I agree. It’s a horrible lesson but DD will find out sooner or later that different cultures have different sets of rules, especially if she travels. I suspect her weight is bothering her deep down, which is why she’s reacted like this.

I don’t accept that this is an ok remark because GF is from Russia. Would you think it would be ok for me to go to Pakistan and tell a Muslim that they really should have some tasty bacon for breakfast like lots of people in the UK do?

14yos can be chubby during puberty.

This was a dangerous remark to make to a 14yo. It could trigger an ED, MH issues etc.

I don’t really know what a good solution would be. It was a totally unacceptable remark. Apologising might make it worse.

I think, all things considered, that I would protect the MH of the 14yo by sending your DH and smaller kids to visit DSS/Gf instead of having them for Christmas. I think your DH and DSS have no real idea of the damage that a “small” comment to a 14yo girl could do.

Cultural or not DSS gf needs to mind her own business and not be such a bitch! As a PP has said these things tend to stick when they are said. If you spend Christmas with them you need to keep an eye on her and not leave her on her own with DD.

Yeah, it's definitely cultural. I actually prefer how straight forward they can be. I'd explain it to your daughter as, she wasn't saying she's fat. It's likely came from a place of good intentions and care but if daughter is happy, then it means nothing. She doesn't need to change or anything. You can't change everyone's approach, but you can help your daughter see it from a different mindset. Laugh it off, don't make it a big issue. Does DD think she's overweight? If so, you can use it as a tool to help her get on track. If she doesn't and she's happy with herself, that's great too, a little overweight is fine at her age imo. It doesn't need to be a 'thing.'

If my russian friend had said it to my child, after checking how they feel about themselves, we'd then laugh it off and call her a cheeky bitch but it doesn't need to be taken as a barbed comment.

It’s fine to say this, it’s a cultural norm and people are too sensitive and need to grow up. Especially children, right?

Honestly OP the anxiety this will cause your daughter on Christmas Day that she may be judged for eating or anxious over what will be said next to her, is not fair on her.

That would explain a lot. My bf is Russian. They do tend to be over direct about stuff - to the point of being rude for my British way of thinking. They don't mean it though and are very quick to apologise if they cause upset. Talking about money, appearance etc is not considered rude for them. But, bless them, they are always trying to be 'more British' so as not to cause offence.

I'd ask your DS if he can ask her to send a message to your DD apologising. He's right, it is a cultural thing. In our multicultural society, it's always worth knowing that other people may not intend what we think they do when they do things like this.

I wouldn't cancel meeting up with them at Xmas. You could use it as an opportunity to build bridges. Maybe ask the GF to say something complementary to your DD when she sees her. Much better than having a low level family feud brewing in the background.

Definitely a cultural thing and a better way of dealing with things in my opinion. No “be nice” and avoid the actual issue. Our culture has become too sensitive and as a result, important things are not challenged for fear of upsetting people.

WTF?