DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

DSS is not her child so it'll be fine by her :)

I have a similar age DD who struggles with an eating disorder due to some bullying (none weight related) a few years ago. I am very open with all my DC about puberty and how weight/shape changes constantly ect. Luckily for me 1 of my DC is one of those people who pile on weight then suddenly grow 2ft over night. Whereas another has a gradual weight gain followed by a grafual growth. So we have talked about how different it is.

One thing I am really trying to do with my DC but particularly my DDs is to build confidence with calling out things in the moment. So I would talk to your DD and go over how she could handle it differently e.g. after the comment was made "did you mean to be ao rude?". This would have given your Dss GF a chance to think about what she has said and then explain why she said it.

I do think as a nation we are very scared of talking about a person's weight but I also believe we have no right to say things to someone who we do not know extremely well. As we never know why someone is they way they are.
I also hate people saying it's cultural as a reason for explaining away behaviour that has impacted another person. If the GF lives in the UK she should know how sensitive weight is here and that it is not something we openly comment on. She should also be aware that teenagers in particular are very sensitive around certain topics.

I would write a short speaking note for my DH to use when talking to his son.

• We know DD is overweight
• So does DD and she is very unhappy and very sensitive about it
• DD and her mum are addressing it
• I've been told as a man not to say anything as I'll only make it worse (This is fair/true)

• Christmas Day is not a day for diets or for any unkind remarks
• Girlfriend is still welcome but she cannot say anything about diets or weight to DD or to anyone else
• If she can't promise this, she can't come to our Christmas lunch

• If she wants to apologise to DD saying "I am very sorry. I am Russian and we can be very rude by accident. Can we start again today? is fine. Do not specifically mention her weight or the previous remarks made in any apology
• Or saying nothing at all, might be better?

Being overweight as a 14-year old is very hard. Other girls can be very cruel. And it makes enjoying sports and teenage fashion much trickier. Sadly, your DD will have almost certainly heard much worse comments from her peers at school.

I wouldn't uninvite the girlfriend over a clumsy, albeit very upsetting, but well-intentioned remark to my teenage child.

This. If you are going to live within a different culture, its polite to learn what is culturally acceptable.

Not nice to hear, I heard it from my grandmother every time I saw her (amongst other things).

It is however completely normal to comment like this for Russians and other nationalities. I think it would be outrageous to disinvite the GF from Xmas day without even having a conversation - yes, your DSS should probably have that convo, but be honest, is that convo going to hit the same when it comes from a 26 year old man who has a vested interest? No.

I think you need to talk to your daughter, and say that while it wasn't a nice thing to say, malice was not meant (I'm assuming here of course) and that at her age her size is totally normal. I'm of course making another assumption here, but I know at 14 I was at that weird, gone-through-puberty-but-not-an-adult sort of stage where I had puppy fat I wasn't exactly in love with, so I'm guessing she might be too. Then talk to the girlfriend and say you know she didn't mean it meanly, but that's the way it was taken, and in future she should not comment about anyone's body as it's likely to cause offence.

I think if you're trying to normalise body weight by not talking about diets and focusing on health, you also need to normalise accepting your body as it is, and accepting that some people are going to make comments because they are incapable of keeping their mouths shut.

I know it's hard to be objective, as a 43 year old woman who's been obsessive about weight since about age 12/13, it's a hard line to walk.

Your child comes first over your stepchild's girlfriend. I don't blame DD for preferring to be at her dad's if the GF is going to be with you on Christmas Day - you need to take a stand here.

For everyone who says "in my culture it's normal to say those kinds of things" it does the same kind of damage to people whatever their culture. I've had clients with eating disorders from across the globe.

I agree, in your shoes I'd probably try to have a chat with the g/f before uninviting her and explain how it's very rude and unkind in your culture and tell her how much she's upset you daughter. It would be much better in the long run to try and sort this out rather than never spending any time together again

I can just see how the DSS is going to be dragged into this, forced to mediate something he had no involvement in, then into a shitty situation where he has to choose between his family and his GF on Christmas Day, all while the OP stands back feigning naivety about how there has been a huge family rift...

This, this and more this.

I couldn’t have put it better.

Does she think being a bit overweight is healthier than being slim?

It is definitely healthier than having an eating disorder! Especially at an age where she is likely to lose it as she grows into her body.

What a cow. I don't blame your dd

I would be very upset by this, as someone who has personal experience of how 'well-meaning' comments to young girls can turn into years of disordered eating! It's just not appropriate to comment on other people's appearances either. Culturally forthcoming or not, it can be really damaging to a girl at this stage of life, and unless your DD is seriously overweight not even really right, someone can be a little chubby (particularly at that age) without being unhealthy. In my experience, such comments tended to come from people who were quite obsessive about their own weight, so to them a size 12 was 'fat', or also quite often motivated by personal insecurities or a desire to position themselves as superior.

The Christmas question is obviously very tricky, I would probably lean towards broaching without DSS how upset your daughter is and that the girlfriend needs to make amends, if your daughter is indeed open to that.

I was pretty sure before you answered tbe question that the answer would be Russian. Knowing this, her comment is unsurprising - but no less hurtful to DD

People will say cruel things to your DD, and most of it will happen when you’re not around. If you already know she’s overweight and still refuse to address it, you’re being naïve if you think other kids haven’t noticed or commented. They have.

This is the real world, it’s not always kind and fluffy , and it won’t protect her feelings. Uninviting DGF from Christmas to keep your DD comfortable fixes nothing. What’s the plan after that? Are you going to remove every person who says something she doesn’t like? Because that’s not possible.

And how long would it take you to learn precisely what is socially acceptable in Japan or France or Turkey? Can you even speak a language but English?

We don’t know how long this girl has been here or how good her English is.
You’re expecting her to learn fluent English and master all social customs on what timeframe precisely?

Your daughter was upset and she just needed to share with you why.

You’d be very unreasonable to take it further. Your DSS has already told you it wasn’t meant in a mean way. You said your dd is a bit overweight - do you expect her not to know that herself? Does she think being a bit overweight is healthier than being slim?

Don’t teach your dd to ‘cancel’ people because their facts are hurting her feelings.

Adult obesity is almost exactly the same, that may be what the poster is referring to.

Well they obviously catch up later in life then because about 60% of Russian adults are overweight or obese and in terms of longevity, a British child is likely to live longer than a Russian one.

Wrong. British children are twice as likely to be obese than Russian https://data.worldobesity.org/tables/ranking-obesity-by-country-children-4.pdf
(11% of children in the UK vs 6% in Russia)

Ignoring the facts is never helpful.

I knew you were going to say she was from Russia. Definitely a cultural thing. I worked as a professional dancer for years and was in a touring show with lots of Russian cast members. I am 163cm and at the time weighed 50kg (I looked tiny). I was constantly told by the Russian dancers that I needed to loose weight and distinctly remember them saying to me one night behind the curtains before we went on stage ‘if you loose 10kg, you will look ok’, whilst pinching my non-existent stomach. It still feels like a gut punch now whenever I think about it 25 years later.
I really hope your daughter is okay.

Uninvite her for Christmas? Utterly ridiculous, over the top and cruel.

Hopefully the OP will not listen to this terrible advise and let the whole thing lie, now.

Because no British person has ever said anything that you would deem not socially acceptable...

No but she needs to learn what is and isn’t socially acceptable in the country she has chosen to live in. The consequence of her behaviour is to be uninvited for Christmas.

I would absolutely not have escalated this one bit. I wouldn't even have messaged the son.

Part of life is coming up against such comments. They present a good opportunity to teach our children how to react and how to respond.