DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

Exactly. Do people believe that telling someone that they're overweight will actually be news to them? Do they think they're too stupid to know it can be unhealthy? That it's brand new information? Especially teens...who can be fixated on how they look.

All these comments on building 'resilience'. Good luck with that. 🍀

Well yeah of course I have that’s the point.

Whether you’d want to know is a different issue, the discussion with pp whether you would know. People wouldn’t necessarily tell you, as generally people make allowances for foreigners.

I agree.

have you lived in different cultures?
I have lived in several. And if i had done an equivalent culturally inappropriate thing, i would have a) wanted to know (so i would know not to do it in future) and b) want to apologise.

and they get roundly and soundly criticised for it.

The weak, feable and, frankly, insulting excuse of "my culture, innit" is pathetic.

Where i live it is customary to say "hello everyone" when you go into a room. Doctor's waiting room is a good one. People who don't get "the look" and usually a pointed "good morning" from more than one person. It is a cultural expectation. Everyone who doesn't do it, is treated the same: like a rude boor.

Horrible behaviour however "concerned" they might be about a stranger. I was an overweight 14 year old once and yes, I did become an obese adult. Not because nobody made me aware I was overweight funnily enough. Quite the opposite. I was completely aware of it and aware of nasty comments. So much so it set up a cycle of diet/regain yo-yoing until my mid 40s. People are not overweight because nobody is being direct with them FFS.

I think your daughter needs to develop some resilience and take that remark in the spirit it was meant. I think she's also being manipulative by saying she'll go to her dad's if GF isn't uninvited.

GF was trying to be helpful and she put it in health terms. Shielding your daughter from the fact she's overweight doesn't do her any favours.

Whatever her culture, yours is not that and she needs to wind her neck in.

If your DH won’t stand up for your daughter, that’s a problem. If he is adamant she is coming, the answer is simple, you and your daughter can go out somewhere for the day and leave them to it.

I am from Eastern Europe. Yes, women are quite slim and take a lot more ’pride’ in their appearance than in the UK. However these judgemental remarks we keep for close family.. like the time when my dad called me 1 week after i gave birth to my second baby to say i am looking quite fat. Charming. The girlfriend was not that offensive in my opinion and it would perhaps be beneficial for your daughter to build some resilience and confidence in herself if the overweight is not an issue for her?

this.

I'm sure you do.

'Your dd needs to get over herself. At 14 ...'

Wow. I guess we're all bringing our emotional baggage to this thread.

Oh well. Just another day on Mumsnet.

It’s tricky because what she said is true. You know it’s true and dd knows it’s true and that’s why her feelings are hurt. This is understandable because none of us like to hear negative things about our weight but by purposely not drawing attention to it, you are allowing her to ignore it to some extent. Unfortunately you can’t control the wider environment and people are going to say hurtful things to her in the big bad world about all kinds of things, not just her weight. You need protect her by addressing it and building her resilience, not by preventing anyone around her from naming the problem.

I don’t think the girlfriend has done anything wrong, she has been factual and framed it in a health conscious way which is quite acceptable to most people. If she been deliberately cruel and said “Oh my God DD, you’re a big fat slob, please stop stuffing your face as you’re offending my chic international eyes” then I’d agree that she is clearly a nasty individual and would be all for banning her for Christmas but she hasn’t done that.

We're all adults here (or should be). Just disagree with me. There's need to be patronising. 🙄

If the GF doesn't apologise having been told that what she said was rude and unkind, her invitation to Christmas dinner should be withdrawn. We don't even know how overweight OP's daughter is and thankfully it is certainly not the culture in the UK for pretty much complete strangers to tell children that they are too fat.

OP's DD certainly doesn't need to get over herself. Her home should be her safe place without some rude and arrogant twat in her twenties having a dig at a 14 year old.

I would explain to dd that this is a cultural difference and that people have very different attitudes to weight in general so some people find it much easier to talk about, they don't stress as much about weight gain or loss because they know it doesn't impact on your value or beauty as a person and are just very matter of fact about it. But equally I'd speak to your ds and explain that dd is really hurt and this has really affected her and ask if the gf would apologise to repair the relationship. The fact it'd a cultural difference doesn't excuse the fact she still caused offence and hurt to a child and she needs to own that.

Ok.

I'm not sure why this discussion has turned into whether it is culturally appropriate or not to comment on people's weights, or what the intent of the DSS's girlfriend was. All this is irrelevant.

I do think it’s relevant- because it points to the GF making an ill advised/culturally inappropriate comment rather than suggesting that she had any malicious intent or meant to upset the DD. And I do think that matters and should inform how you deal with the situation and the people involved. The GF got it wrong - clearly she did. But does it help anyone - DD included - to blow it up and potentially cause a huge family rift? You can sympathise with DD, you can show her that you’ve spoken to the GF about it, you can help her understand that things can sometimes not be meant in the way that we perceive them. I’d have thought that would help her more in the long run than banning the woman from the house.

Some MNers seem to think that anything they do in ‘other countries’ - certainly anywhere in Europe - is automatically better than whatever we do in the U.K.

I’m sorry I don’t believe you. It’s not feasible to learn every custom in every country - and that’s not a likely comment someone would make who had genuinely lived in many different cultures. If you genuinely have it’s not a realistic comment. You have no idea who you might have offended unwittingly.

Agreed.

Well, it would be much better that any finding out she has to do, is done later, much later. When she is a fully fledged adult, having been fully supported, without compromise, by 'her' adults, during her most formative years - 0 to 18 at the very least.

Yes, all that helps. But the culture surrounding all of this for teenage girls is very difficult, especially with social media etc.

I was raised to have a very healthy attitude to all of these things yet I (and many women I know, as well as men) did end up with eating disorders, and the majority of them probably would be able to point to one comment or two that lives with them still. One of my male relatives has almost died because of an eating disorder, in part triggered by another exercise-obsessed relative telling him he needed to lose weight at a particularly impressionable age (he didn't). Everything you say is right - but very very difficult to land with a 14 year old girl.

I'm also in no way suggesting OP's daughter should be isolated from the GF, that is not what I said in my preceding comment.

You’re twisting people’s words and make them sound silly. That’s unkind. And I’m sure you’re a good person.

@Hjsjshsni still remember when my uncle’s girlfriend came over from Thailand told me if I wanted to be a bridesmaid I would need to loose weight. I was 13. I’m 41 and still remember that exact conversation. It doesn’t matter if it came from a place of kindness or not. There’s no need to point it out to a child