DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

Unfortunately telling them they are fat is not a fix for this. Trust me, I know.

"You cannot know that a person’s weight at 14 will bear any reflection on their long term shape as everything is in flux"

Incorrect, sadly. Studies show that overweight adolescents become overweight adults 🙁

She wasnt some random, she was shopping with OPs daughter, no doubt trying stuff on

It wouldnt surprise me if the daughter herself made some comment about needing a bigger size or being a bit self conscious of it and saying shes big (like most teen girls say even if they're not overweight) and the girlfriend answered in kind. Perhaps OPs daughter left this bit out.

I don’t agree with what the girlfriend said, it was rude. But that wasn’t my point.

I think it’s important that obesity in childhood is dealt with, as you said, there is an obesity epidemic. Not sure why people are fixating on puberty, if that’s the issue then it’s temporary and no need for the histrionics.

Yes unfortunately much as this site likes to portray all fat children as just about to have some massive growth spurt where they'll grow 6 inches and be willowy strapping hollow legged sports people, the reality is that the vast majority of fat kids turn into fat adults
Everyone on here will be the outlier of course, they were obese as a teen but now thin as a bean, but the general trajectory for overweight teens is exactly that.

If your daughter is overweight- you should be thankful that the girl has pointed this out to her - seeing as you haven’t bothered to. As her mum it’s your job to tell your daughter about managing her weight - why haven’t you done this !!

‘Confronted by an absolute madam like this GF’

What’s the GF done to qualify her as an ‘absolute madam’? She didn’t ‘confront’ anyone, she made a throwaway comment and in doing so, quite likely completely unintentionally, made a cultural faux pas.

It doesn’t sound like she’s even been made aware that what she said was considered rude, or been given an opportunity to apologize.

65% of adults in the Uk are overweight and around 25% obese.
I think pretending this isn’t a problem is burying a big problem in the sand.

Generally overweight teens don’t grow out of it they will continue o be overweight as adults and often secretly feeling upset about their appearance.

Honestly I think open conversations are best. DSS just stated the truth.

If she was smoking people wouldn’t think twice about saying something about how unhealthy it is,

Exactly. Uninviting her for Christmas next week is a bit extreme.

ok so as a fat 14 year old you were totes fine with some random russian woman telling you you were fat?

i call bullshit

also to PP saying it isn't teaching resiliance to let DD go elsewhere instead of spending what is possibly the biggest family celebration of the year in the presence of a rude bitch? nah. She gets to know that her mum has her back and won't force her to spend her time wondering when the GF is going to make another culturally inappropriate comment.

I mean, Russians are pretty famous for being racist. How would that pan out if the DD was mixed race?

well that isn't my experience.

And confronted by an absolute madam like this GF? i would tell her to wise the fuck up or listen to some straight talking from me.

Absolutely 😁

We should send everyone to Japan. They’d make eye contact, speak too loudly, wouldn’t bow correctly, wouldn’t use the correct polite prefixes, they’d eat on the go, kiss in public… etc.

This. As someone unfamiliar with the specific cultural context, she’s not just going to know it’s considered rude.

She almost certainly wants to know (I did, along with everyone I’ve known and know navigating the same minefield), but that doesn’t mean that she does.

It would be similar if she was German, for example. But then the good people of MN wouldn't enjoy so many pages of bashing other cultures and parading cultural superiority 😂

DD's response is to go to her dad's if GF comes to dinner.

What does that acomplish? She's trying to hurt her mom because gf hurt her feelings by make a remark about her weight affecting her health. She's trying to keep gf and stepson away from a holiday dinner over a factual, blunt remark.

Her response doesn't address at all what the problem is and that is she's sensitive about her weight and she's mad gf said something. Her solution, to keep gf and ss away or she stays away, does absolutely nothing except start some resentment among the families here.

That's where you need to start. Address her weight honestly.

Of course she’s Russian.

I’m half Russian, and half another equally blunt Slavic country. I toned myself down a lot when I lived in the UK to adapt to the different cultural norms, but I’m still considered very direct by the general British standards of
politesse.

It probably didn’t occur to her that this was in any way inappropriate to say, even thought it would be obvious to a British person. She does of course need to adapt socially, but that does take time and mistakes will inevitably be made along the way. It’s not actually an easy thing to do, and no one becomes adept at navigating the norms of a different culture overnight.

If she’s made aware that it’s caused great offense then she may very well want to apologize if given the opportunity to.

As far as your situation at home goes, it’s a difficult one as you and your husband hold completely different positions in support of your respective children. You can’t unilaterally stop him from inviting his son’s girlfriend to your home, and he can’t force you to welcome her.

It's rude.

It's someone she doesn't know well enough to be having conversations about health with yet.

If in future she gets close to her, then yes it may be acceptable as a topic of conversation.

At this stage, nope it's just rude.

Is it though? It's a fact related to her health.

It's culturally rude to say that here, so even if she said it because it's culturally acceptable for her your DSS needs to tell her this and that she needs to apologise otherwise she isn't welcome because she just made a massive cultural faux pa that's caused great upset.

Not hiding behind cultural excuses. She was rude. She needs to apologise. DSS should accept and facilitate this.

The end.

Teaching Dd to respond at the moment and speaking up for herself is actually teaching her resilience.
She’s not going to learn that if she’s at her dad’s or the girlfriend is uninvited for saying ‘slimmer is healthier’. It’s over the top and very much cancel/ block/ no-contact culture which is not what healthy boundaries look like.

yup and that poster with the rude father also said she was upset by his comment. So much for different cultures!

In general as a culture - not everywhere clearly - we have started to reject the idea that random people should weigh in on your appearance, and rightly so IMO. One PP mentioned her Eastern European father commenting on her looking fat a week after her having a baby - that might be usual but I'm sorry is just wrong. People know what they look like and have their own feelings about it - who are these commenters (who often are not oil paintings themselves) to impose their opinion?

When I was 17, and highly sensitive about my weight (probably what we would now call orthorexic and very thin), a 70 year old male acquaintance who had not seen me in a year took it upon himself to tell me that I had 'put on weight in the body but not in the face, good good'. There was no need for him to tell me that, I was a size 8 max and did not need to lose anything. And given that I was weighing myself daily, I was aware of my approx 3 pound gain, and pretty devastated by the comment. I am really glad that my mum stood up for me and gave him what for about how inappropriate that was - THAT made it clear to me how unwarranted the comment was, and how I should disregard it - not her telling me to be resilient.

(Edited for autocorrect fail)

Lots of things are ‘true’ but general politeness and kindness precludes them from being said uninvited. Should it be completely acceptable to tell Aunt Mabel that she has got very hairy since menopause or young nephew very pleased with his first designer aftershave that he stinks?!

No? Then why should a 14 year old girl be obliged to accept smilingly any rudeness from a fairly random stranger.

I wish people would give over with the "trying to be helpful" crap.

You'd have to be incredibly stupid or arrogant (or both!) to assume "clearly literally every other friend, family member and teacher in this girl's life somehow either hasn't realised she is overweight or doesn't care enough to tell her, and despite being 14 she hasn't realised herself either....but I, a near stranger who only met her half an hour ago and who has no idea of her physical or mental health, or what and how much she eats and exercises or anything else going on in her life....I am going to be the one to save her from a lifetime of ill health solely by making one offhand comment. Easy! Next stop I'll sort world peace by sending putin a quick text with a sad face emoji."

If she was really trying to help at the bare minimum she could have done something constructive like offered to take her to a sporting event over Christmas or recommended some recipes or a weight tracking app - still rude and inappropriate but at least could potentially be of some actual use - what on earth is just telling her "you should lose weight" going to magically achieve?