DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

Very well said. It’s just an excuse. She’s a fucking mean girl to do that to a 14 year old.

And I bet if she could analyse it the 14 year old might say that it wasn’t what was said but the meanness behind it. Very interesting that she didn‘t say it in mum’s earshot. Cow.

Fantastic comment. A teenager doesn’t have the emotional development to frame the comment in many of the ways suggested in this thread. It’s going to cut deep, and it runs the risk of giving her some serious issues. I also agree showing her support trumps whatever adult ‘resilience’ argument that could be made.

UK life expectancy isn't actually that bad from a global perspective. People bang on about it, but "healthy" countries like Norway, Sweden and France are about 83.5. This compares with other Anglo Saxon countries with very similar cultural attitudes and habits to the UK, like New Zealand, who are only very marginally lower than France at about 82.4 and Australia actually comes in higher than France, Sweden et al at around 84. UK sits just below Germany, both at around 81.5.

For context the "winner" with highest longevity is Japan at around 85, (so about a year longer than Australia) and one of the lowest Nigeria at just under 55.

USA is just under 80, and - interestingly given the comments on this thread - Russia falls way down at about at about 73.5, over a decade less than Australia.

None of this is to deny obesity is a factor BUT there are so many more factors than people tend to focus on.. and to focus too intently on obesity is just not statistically justified.

Incidentally, I have read that Australia fares so well because of higher Vitamin D levels. All that sunshine!

Estimated 400000 deaths were related to obesity in the UK over the last 10 years.

I believe the life expectancy also decreases by around 9 years.

I do agree that not many people will change their habits by a one off comment but we do need to be able to talk about this without causing offence.

We have such an issue in the UK, a country where we will happily talk openly about alcoholism, smoking and even under eating, we should be able to talk about over eating without people feeling insulted.

Cigarette packets lay it out loud and clear and no one has a problem with that.
It has stopped a lot of people smoking too.

The way the GF mentioned is was never going to be of assistance.

OP sitting down and saying that as a family, perhaps, they are looking at some tweaks to optimise health and that they can all support each other, or asking the DD gently if she feels her weight is exactly as she feels comfortable etc are all ways of bringing this up without blurting out in a public space that she really needs to - and from someone who isn't even close enough to be broaching it.

That isn't coming from a place of concern. It's just judgment.

its best to deal with head on and tell DD you won’t be cancelling Christmas but you have let the GF know it wasn’t ok and it won’t happen again.

she commented on her weight, she wasn’t unkind or mean. But there is clearly a cultural difference in how much truth we tell and commenting on people’s weights. So let DD know that.

if she won’t budge then you can uninvite GF but then DSS will be upset as well.

And you genuinely think not being able to mention it for fear of upset is going to help her lose weight?

Exactly.

I personally doubt that shaming changes things for the better.

I think the issues run deeper and are far more complex. How often do you see fruit and veg markets the way you do in, say, France? And their downtime is better protected, whereas in the UK people are often literally running on empty rushing from work to school football practices etc. Cars are used widely in the UK where in many cities and villages people walk. And just look at the aisles of ready meals and upf laden food in the supermarkets, our food source of choice as opposed to traditional markets. Even in Waitrose the other day - which should be providing top end food choices - I looked round the fruit and veg section and it was pretty picked over and woeful.

And I think another huge cultural issue for many is the vast amount of material available for sofa entertainment in the form of films to download, channels on tv. Many other cultures don't have this deep well to tap into of box sets etc.

And I did have a friend who died from eating issues associated with body shaming by her father. IMO telling people they look as though they need to lose weight is about as useful as handing them a sticking plaster for a haemorrhage.

OP is being supportive of her daughter while acknowledging that she is slightly overweight for her height. She isn't igoring it because she has some strategies to tackle it as OP says that they:

'prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc.'

What would you do if she were your daughter? Body shame her? Tell her that she was fat? Surely what OP is doing will help her daughter lose weight in a healthy way. She isn't like your cousin in any way. OP is serving healthy food, monitoring portion sizes and encouraging her DD to do physical activities. Your cousin stuffed her child with large portions of junk food. The two situations are in no way comparable.

As a nation, our avoidance of discussing weight in order to spare feelings is incredibly damaging. The British are renowned for being fat and you can often spot who is British on holiday in Europe by size alone. We would do well to adopt the approach of thinner nations and speak more candidly about it with others without fear of reproach.

Your nonchalant approach to your child being overweight is also doing her a huge disservice. It could result in your daughter having problems managing her weight in adulthood. My cousin was an overweight teenager; my aunt adopted the "size doesn't matter" approach, fed her loads of UPF and got rid of the household scales. This could have been to spare her feelings at a sensitive time, but this approach in her formative years became ingrained in her and she is now an obese adult. I remain silent when she constantly posts pictures of her latest restaurant meal that usually featuring deep-fried food to the family WhatsApp group, but I often wonder if someone discussing her weight honestly would give her a wake-up call.

I always feel there is a sense of "it might help but in any case it serves them right."

It's often people who want an outlet to be unkind and think society allows them a free pass to do so when it comes to being overweight.

Well yeah for good reason. Men don’t grow up being fed messages from every corner of the media and the rest of society that your value rests predominantly on how you look. However, that said, many men do get upset by comments about their weight and appearance.
The idea that people get motivated by being insulted and shamed is such a strange one. They really don’t - quite the opposite. It’s likely to lead to low self esteem. Body weight is also often not fully within a persons control because a large part of it is determined by genetic factors. So if someone tells me I’m a fat lump because I am not a size 8 that isn’t going to make me a size 8. We also know that the vast majority of people who lose a substantial amount of weight will eventually return to their starting weight, which again highlights the ridiculousness of the notion that telling people that they are fat will make them magically lose weight.

Men get called fat all the time.
They are more likely to use it as motivation to change than we are.
We mostly just get upset.

So maybe she could aim her comments at Russian men then. But I bet she would never do that - these horrible judgy comments are always always aimed at women.

And you genuinely think that pointing it out to this young girl will cause her to lose the weight? I mean really?

I absolutely doubt the gf comment was well meaning. I know many Italians ( Most Europeans are like this ) who are as blunt about weight and whilst it may mean fewer people are fat ( though I am really not sure about that) it absolutely is not always "well meaning". It.most definitely comes.from a place of judging on how someone looks. Any talk about it being healthier is generally a cover for this. The exception to this is if it older people who talk about losing weight for health. When it is aimed at a young woman, it absolutely never is about health and is disingenuous to say so

I not avoid them and would encourage your dd to buikd up her resilience and ignore this or come up with a suitable reply but the next time I saw that gf, I would have a word.in private telling her how inappropriate her comments were and that if she said anything similar again to any of my children, she would son found out how cross I could get.

You feel guilty as you have let your child become overweight, you had no idea that everyone thinks that but the girlfriend pointed it out.
Not nice for your child, but you have allowed this to happen, the girl only said about being healthy which is the truth.
In the new year work at being a healthy family so your daughter isn’t at risk of health problems.

I’d insist that DSS tells his GF the hurt she caused and that any such comments over Christmas will be dealt with by you asking her to leave. If the GF is genuinely unaware it is an unacceptable thing to say she’ll be mortified and may ask for an opportunity to apologise. If she’s just a bitch she’ll likely throw a fit and strop off herself.

I’d also chat to DD about how rude some people are and it’s important not to let their opinions affect us. As she’s so upset she doesn’t want to be around the GF, ask her (kindly) for how long? Forever? Will she refuse to attend the wedding if they get married? Avoid her younger siblings’ birthdays etc if the GF is there? Sometimes cutting someone out is sensible. Sometimes it is worth considering their intent AND the potential for longer term impact.

I wouldn’t, personally, cause a massive family rift over this. DSS is DH’s child and is the sibling of two of your children - he may be an adult but your DH loves him just as much as you love DD. I’d uninvite the GF (and risk the rift) if it was an intentionally nasty comment, but not if it was thoughtless.

Here are some things that people have said to me over the past few weeks:

• You should try Pilates - it’s great for your flexibility
• That pink lipstick looks really nice on you - you always wear brown.
• Nice jumper - you should wear colour more often.

I could interpret that as:

• Shape up, you creaking old hat!
• You’ve worn hideous make up for years
• Your overwhelmingly black and navy wardrobe is boring and unflattering.

But I took it as a conversational gambit. Now I do get the weight is a much more difficult issue, especially when young women are concerned. But this young woman isn’t British and it does seem to have been said in a similar vein to the comments above - along the lines of “you should try this - I bet you’d find it better!”. Does she need to be told that this isn’t really on in British culture and that she’s upset her BF’s young sister? Yes. Should she immediately be cancelled from Christmas? Seems a bit extreme.

Dance teachers do, for example. And they're not doing that out of spite or lack of sense.

I mean she has no common sense. Who tells a teenage girl to loose weight? They are still growing and loose it naturally not to mention the harm it does. Lack of sense however much harder to shed.....

DM op and ask for her number then 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can I ask why you went back to the GFs house for food when your step son doesn’t live with her? You gave her a lot of credibility and acceptance there as part of “the family” and she is coming for Xmas? Is she actually quite close and part of the family or a stranger to you that has no relationship with your daughter? I’m not clear now if she is connected enough to you to understand and be told it was wrong, or this is an error of judgement on your part to allow a stranger such familiarity.

So you actually ridicule people for their weight or size, just do it in your head not out loud.

I see...

Because what is clear to someone familiar with the norms of a specific culture, or indeed someone of that culture who was raised with those norms, isn’t at all clear to someone who isn’t and wasn’t. Navigating an unfamiliar culture is something that takes time, and no one becomes perfect at it overnight.

We have no idea whether she does or doesn’t know. Hence why it might be an idea to find out rather than just jump to thinking the worst of someone.