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AIBU?

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Original poster

DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

461 replies

shakeitskateit · 16/12/2025 04:55

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?

OP posts:
ThesebeautifulthingsthatIvegot · 16/12/2025 05:57

This shouldn't be dealt with by just heading to uninviting her. You need to make the young woman aware of the impact of her words and that you feel they were inappropriate for your daughter. Her reaction will be what matters.

BobblyBobbleHat · 16/12/2025 05:56

shakeitskateit · 16/12/2025 05:52

I don’t have a way of contacting her, I only have DSS’s phone number and they don’t live together or see each other every day.

Show quote history

That's fortunate as this is poor advice and only like to escalate something fairly minor into a huge deal. Our natural reaction is of course to protect our children, but you can do that more effectively by talking with her and building her self esteem and confidence.

Peridoteage · 16/12/2025 05:53

There are lots of cultures where its completely normal to say things like this. They are the same cultures where they also tend to have fewer fat people.... sad though it is, sometimes avoiding confronting a weight issue head on does not help

Original poster
shakeitskateit · 16/12/2025 05:52

Delphinium20 · 16/12/2025 05:50

I'd strongly encourage you to call GF directly, calmly talk to her and tell her how her comment has really hurt the feelings of a young teen girl. Tell her that in your culture, hearing someone say that would feel really offensive. Then, wait. If she apologizes, you have options to help her and DD reconnect. If she doubles down, well, that says a lot, doesn't it?

I don’t have a way of contacting her, I only have DSS’s phone number and they don’t live together or see each other every day.

OP posts:
Delphinium20 · 16/12/2025 05:50

I'd strongly encourage you to call GF directly, calmly talk to her and tell her how her comment has really hurt the feelings of a young teen girl. Tell her that in your culture, hearing someone say that would feel really offensive. Then, wait. If she apologizes, you have options to help her and DD reconnect. If she doubles down, well, that says a lot, doesn't it?

GaspingGekko · 16/12/2025 05:45

Ha, I was going to guess Russian or French. For both of those cultures this wouldn't be a big deal to say.
As a PP says, it wasn't meant with bad intentions, it was a one off. You can talk to DD about how things like that aren't appropriate to say. You can ask DSS to tell GF not to make comments like that again, and let her know it's culturally inappropriate in the UK.
But rearranging Christmas seems a bit much.

Original poster
shakeitskateit · 16/12/2025 05:38

Hjsjshsn · 16/12/2025 05:36

Is the GF from east Asia by any chance? I’m mixed and my family from east Asia are brutal! I had to warn friends when we were teens. Perhaps explain to your daughter that it didn’t come from a place of unkindness, your DSS is right it’s cultural. it’s important to help her build resilience people will always say things we don’t want to hear.

No, she is from Russia.

OP posts:
Hjsjshsn · 16/12/2025 05:36

Is the GF from east Asia by any chance? I’m mixed and my family from east Asia are brutal! I had to warn friends when we were teens. Perhaps explain to your daughter that it didn’t come from a place of unkindness, your DSS is right it’s cultural. it’s important to help her build resilience people will always say things we don’t want to hear.

BobblyBobbleHat · 16/12/2025 05:28

I think changing Christmas plans over this would be a massive over reaction. Yes it wasn't nice to hear, but it sounds as if it wasn't meant unkindly and is a one off comment.
I don't think it is fair for your daughter to essentially blackmail you into doing it the way she wants by saying if you don't she will go to her fathers.

JoshLymanSwagger · 16/12/2025 05:13

Childs need trumps adult.

If your DD isn't happy to have this woman in her home, then she's no longer invited.

Your SS and his GF are adults and can make other arrangements.

Your DH may wish to pitch his tent elsewhere for being such an insensitive buttock.

Delphinium20 · 16/12/2025 05:03

If GF would be chatted with and apologize, then maybe I'd consider it. But if DSS doesn't want to stand up for his step sister, I'd be firm in spending Christmas w/ my DD. Otherwise, you're really letting DD down. DH seems to be a wet blanket about this.

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