DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

The average girl in puberty can gain up up 20lbs - if left alone it will naturally shed as they hit later teens. I wish I’d known that when I gained weight at 14 and someone commented “aren’t you a big girl” which triggered me into a lifetime of disordered eating.

I agree that the DD’s feelings should be prioritised over a girlfriend who might not be on the scene in a year.

How did she decide she was overweight if it wasn't by looks?

oh for goodness sake, sounds like daughter needs to toughen up. You can’t be seriously thinking of uninviting because they said something that wasn’t intended to be unkind but a fact. You’ve said yourself daughter is overweight.

I’m sure this can be resolved. DSS tells GF that her comment caused upset and asks for her to apologise on the basis of a misunderstanding about cultural norms. You mr DD accepts the apology. Everyone moves on.

This. Some people, from all cultures, can be very blunt.

That’s life.

It doesn’t even sound as though it was meant unkindly.

If your daughter is overweight, then now would be a good time to address this.

Weight loss gets harder as you get older.

How overweight is she really? I wonder if you’re describing it in a more flattering way, because a tiny bit at 14, I just can’t see getting that comment. Even from someone whose culture is more direct.

At 14, like a PP, I was more than pudgy and also had a mum who didn’t comment on it or notice or (or pretended she didn’t, maybe). It did me absolutely no favours.

Sounds like me too. Shot up just before 18 and lost my puppy fat. Never had a weight problem since and I'm 60.

Exactly this. She needs to learn what is considered rude in our culture or she will not fit in.

Oh no your poor DD 💔

I would explain to DD that some cultures or generations are more blunt with their words and a bit like doctors, will tell you to stop smoking, slim down, not slump etc.
But that’s it’s never a malicious thing.

I would also suggest it could have been a language barrier.

Your DD will already feel like shit and this (especially coming from an older but still young woman who DD probably wanted to impress) will have really affected her.

But I don’t think she should be uninvited for Xmas.

I would get DSS to speak to her about not mentioning her weight at all.

I will never understand the mindset behind someone mentioning things like this.
It often works the opposite way or shames people into an ED.

This. ^ I was that teen and now I am 53 with decades of disordered eating behind me.

I would let your DD go to her dad’s because whichever happens, she’s going to feel lousy now. If the GF doesn’t come, her stepbrother will be upset and she’ll be made by him and your DH to think it’s her fault, if GF does come she’ll feel undermined and anxious about what she eats in front of her.

Let her go where she can be relaxed and feel secure.

It’s also the home of DSS’s father and siblings, though. If he were my son and inviting her made the difference as to whether he’d come or not, I wouldn’t be agreeing to uninvite her.

Id open up conversation a bit further with your DD. Ask her how she thinks and feels about her weight. Did you have issues with yours? What worked for you and what didn’t. What would she like to do about it? Life IS easier for slim people so pretending it isn’t is unhelpful.
id also dedramatise the thing with the gf.

It was very rude of your son's girlfriend to comment but nothing that is said or done now will change how your DD feels about it. The reason why it upset her so much is because she is unhappy about her weight. How you tackle that I don't know, but banishing the girlfriend will surely just make it all more awkward and draw attention to it.

But the person who said unkind things to OP's teenage daughter shouldn't be sat around OP's table eating Christmas dinner. OP's home should be her daughter's safe space.

Taunts about her weight from strangers or classmates would be something that OP's DD would need to learn to cope with. However, someone who would upset OP's DD about her weight when it's none of her business should not be invited into OP's home, especially on Christmas Day.

Yes and I’m sure many of them have extremely disordered relationships with food, which they then claim to be the reason for their perfect physique later - rather than genetics or hormones or time - and so the cycle of cruelty and ingrained misogyny continues.

Of course OP should also talk to her DD about resilience in the face of nastiness while instilling strong healthy attitudes to food and exercise, but none of that means she shouldn’t stand up for her daughter and call the GF out on it. I wish my mum had done this for me with my Grandma.

I think this is an excellent time to teach your 14yr old that sometimes different cultures approach things differently “hey DD, I know you were upset by XXX’s comments, and Indont condone talking negatively about anyone’s appearance, but in some cultures around the world they have different views on size and weight and also find talking bluntly about it normal. I’m not asking you to like the comment, or even like her, but as an adult you do sometimes have to accept you don’t like what everyone says and carry on regardless”

Otherwise she might end up like me as an early 20s employee with a South African boss who emailed his entire company with an email header “how not to be fuckwits as apparently you don’t know” and be shocked…
when asked to retract he sent another email “sorry you’re not all fuckwits, but it’s something of a majority”
(not saying all SA are like that, but he was very much known for being blunt and brutal)
We can evangelise as much as we like about how it’s not appropriate but the reality is in a multinational world people will say and do things that offend each other. Better to learn to tolerate it than run away every time it happens.

I mean, it doesn’t really matter to DD whether the comment was well-meant, not spiteful etc - it’s confirmed to DD that other people look at her and think she’s overweight, which is excruciating for a 14 year old. Particularly if people at school don’t mention it, because she’ll now be reminded that they can see it. That said, I suspect that if DS’s girlfriend is uninvited from Christmas he won’t come either, and I think it’s too much to ask that his dad and half siblings don’t get to see him as planned because of her one comment. I would expect DH to agree with DS that he will talk to the girlfriend about not making such comments though. What’s your ex like OP - is he likely to be helpful in encouraging DD to still spend Christmas with you as planned, or will he jump at the chance to take her instead if she says it’s what she wants?

You’re missing the point. A slightly chubby 14 year old female child is not the same thing as an obese adult. For lots of young women it is developmentally NORMAL to have a brief stage of carrying a little extra weight whilst they are growing and developing.

god people are nasty.

also to add, it doesn’t even sound like the SS and GF are super serious if they don’t live together or see each other every day, so no I would not prioritise their feelings over DD. The GF can sit this one out as there may well be a new one by next year!

Changing the plans is overreacting IMO. Yes the GF shouldn’t have said that to DD but DSS is right in that it is a cultural thing, she probably doesn’t realise what she said is offensive.

It doesn't sound as though OP's DD is overweight due to bad habits. OP has said that they:

'prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc.'

I doubt that OP's DSS's girlfriend was saying this out of concern and love. It was none of her business and not her place to say something to an unrelated child.

Definitely a cultural difference in terms of what was said and how it was said. Explain that to DD, and ask DSS to explain to his GF that her words have had an effect she probably didn't mean.
Don't cancel planned Christmas over a simple cultural misunderstanding.

Would it also help to explain to DD that some cultures have different ideas re body shapes eg for some it is desirable to be tiny, and chan es are if she was in that shop with someone from another culture they may well have been telling her she needs to put weight on.
Make her see this wasnt about her, its about different people, but her feelings are valid and still its the right thing to call out anything that upsets her and have boundaries.
I agree that your son needs to speak to his gf to understand the culture she is living in now re commenting on bodies, and think next time about being so direct and ask her to apologise.

That comment was inappropriate from the GF, but it doesn't seem like it was said or intented in a mean way.

I don't think that making a big drama over this is necessary or a good example for your daughter. You seem quite overprotective with her.

As someone who finally took my weight seriously after moving abroad to a culture with this attitude of honest concern re: being overweight - I am eternally grateful to these people for their honesty!

I grew up with a mum like you who never addressed the fact that i was overweight, and if i hadnt have moved i'd probably still be overweight or even obese now, and struggling with my self image and physical health.

Instead, I am a healthy weight and feel amazing because i listened to their concern re: health and it encouraged me to make healthy changes.

Your approach of ignoring the fact that she is overweight is not good for your daughter, its just easier for you.

You should educate her about the cultural aspect of this and then gently but honestly address her weight with her, to ask whether she wants to lost weight. Maybe you could start exercise classes together or something fun. Get her involved with healthy meal planning. How you deal with this could really help her.

I was thinking the same...that comment could so easily trigger an eating disorder for the OPs DD...similar happened to my DH's niece a few years ago and she now has an awful relationship with food.

Not convinced 'cancelling xmas' is an option but you'll need to talk with DD about cultural differences and that the GF's throwaway comment was just that. Personally, I'd be having a word with the GF next time I see her about refraining from making comments about other people's, especially my DDs weight/body as its none of her bloody business!!

I just don't get it...why do people think they have a right to comment on other people's weight/body shape/size?!?!