DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

I can absolutely understand her not wanting to spend a day centred around a big family meal with an adult who has said something unkind to her about her weight.

I wouldn't necessarily have rushed to uninviting the girlfriend, would try to use it as a starter of talking to the daughter about how she feels about her weight and about cultural differences with some people being more direct and some cultures placing more priority on looks.

I would expect an apology from the girlfriend - I would have been mortified at that age to have upset a child.

Yes your daughter should be your priority here over your SS's GF. But having a conversation about why this upset her so much, agreeing that you think the GF was wrong and what you have done about that. About her being confident and resilient. That of course you choose her, but if she wants to spend the day with her dad then you will support her and make arrangements to celebrate with her another time.

If there is no apology from the GF - if SS doesn't pass on the message and DD does go to her dad's. Then I would be telling the GF at Christmas that your DD isn't there because of the comment she made and that even if she didn't mean it as unkind you expect an adult to think about the impact of their words on a child. And you don't think it appropriate for her to make an uninvited negative comment on a teen girl's appearance.

Surely by uninviting them you will make this into an even bigger issue? The last thing your daughter wants is presumably everyone in the wider family talking about her weight which is what would definitely happen if this was my family! A discreet word with the GF on the day to let her know your daughter is sensitive about her weight would be the less dramatic route. Unless she really does want a grovelling apology which will surely draw even more attention to the issue?

This!

We all need to be a bit more resilient!

This is a tough one. I can imagine the girlfriend not intending to be unkind with her comment, but clearly your DD was hurt and upset. We don't know how overweight DD is of course, but from the way it's landed I expect she knows she's a bit on the plumper side and minds.

Would DD be open to an apology from this girl? I would see if DSS would talk to her and explain that she's caused a problem. I think you need to give DSS a heads up that he can't bring his girlfriend for Christmas unless this is sorted out beforehand. But give her a chance to put it right.

It might be a blessing in disguise that this has happened OP, because it's clearly an issue for DD. It's best you know so you can handle it.

Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and assume this woman was concerned about your daughter’s health.

Then what business does an unrelated, medically unqualified adult have talking to a child about a health issue?

That’s not a culture issue, it’s a safety issue. You need to tell your stepson’s girlfriend (while your daughter is elsewhere) that it’s not appropriate to discuss weight or any other medical issue directly with your fourteen-year-old daughter. If she has concerns about your daughter’s health, she should raise them with you.

YANBU OP. You could message your DSS asking him to pass your number to his GF and for her to phone you for a chat about something important ... If she calls you and you're able to explain how upset your DD is and how it's not considered polite in our culture to make unsolicited negative remarks about someone's appearance, and she apologises to you and promises to apologise to your DD, then the family Christmas could be salvaged. If, on the other hand, she digs her heels in, your DD should absolutely take priority and should not be forced to spend time with a young woman who has been unnecessarily unkind to her.

Also, if this isn’t nipped in the bud now- who knows what other offensive things the gf will go on to say to people in the family.

This is a recipe for disaster unless you spell out what is acceptable and what isn’t.

The DSS obviously won’t, so you and your DH will have to.

If you just let her be bluntly offensive to your family and not say anything, then this is acquiescence and she will just carry on.

no way would I invite her for christmas after that, its not cultural thats just nasty.

Having lived abroad, I do find other cultures much blunter with comments on body shape/size. A friend living in Hong Kong was shooed out of a shop with the assistants repeatedly saying ’Too fat, too fat’. She was probably a size 14.

I think you shouldn’t change plans but the gf needs to be told he’s really upset your dd. I hope the comments don’t make her do the reverse psychology thing and make her dig in her heels re her weight.

A slightly different take... We are only ever offended by someone's comment if we think it is true and relevant. So your daughter already has an issue with her weight. And you missed an opportunity to open up a conversation with her about that and, instead, made it into a problem with the girlfriend.
And "uninviting" her isn't going to solve anything.

It’s all very well saying it’s cultural but the DD wasn’t raised in that culture and feels like shit. And feeling shit and self conscious all Christmas isn’t nice, and really isn’t going to help her lose weight, probably the opposite.

I feel for your daughter, this is not nice to hear. But you can be supportive of her AND keep your Christmas plans. Making a big deal/ cancelling plans will actually draw more attention to the comment and give it more weight, exaggerating how terrible it was and make your daughter feel even worse.

I’d probably have a good chat to your daughter about it. ‘Your weight is no one’s business but yours. In her culture they often have a much more blunt way of speaking. She probably thought she was being helpful. She’s SSGF, not someone we need to pay too much attention to. She’ll be here at Christmas and I’ll have a word with her, but otherwise, just ignore any advice she may want to give. People do sometimes say things we don’t like, that’s part of life. It doesn’t mean we have to listen or take it personally. As long as you feel happy in yourself. You have lots of people around who love you and care about you and I’m here if you want to talk more about it.’

Astounded by the posters that think this is something the DD has to get over. This GF is now a member of the family’s orbit, whom she will have to spend time with. She shouldn’t be on edge about what this adult woman is going to say to her.

We aren’t in Russia, we are in the UK, where this is really rude behaviour.

The GF needs to be told as bluntly as she told the DD to lose weight, to keep comments about people’s weight to herself….and anything else that doesn’t concern her for that matter.

Both DSS and the GF need to be told this before they come round for Xmas.
This has to be nipped in the bud before relationships are destroyed because the DD won’t be around the GF.

It’s not the end of the world but you need to get it sorted ASAP

For young Russian women slimness is an absolute standard. Saying it how it is is also a normal trait. Very, very rude to British ears. If she comes for Christmas expect your house, catering etc etc to be similarly critiqued.

How about empowering your daughter to respond in an equally blunt direct manner. If she is over weight she is going to deal with a lot worse throughout her lifetime in our thin obsessed culture so she might as well learn now.

I knew people on Mumsnet would clamour to defend the gf as their dream is telling people how fat they are and rarely get a chance to do this in real life. Despite having such an honest culture, Russians are just as fat as Brits and a lot more unhealthy with a life expectancy of several years due to smoking and drinking so I doubt it works anyway. It literally just makes people grow up horribly self conscious or it turns people into people like the gf or my MIL, where being thin is everything and they seem to think they will get some big prize for never eating chocolate or something. It has literally fuck all to do with health. If you’re concerned about her health take her to the doctor not some woman she’s just met who feels the need to tell her she doesn’t live up to societal expectations.

This

What would the apology look like by the way for those that think an apology will change everything?

Im sorry that I pointed out you're overweight?

It would make it a lot worse for me that someone has to say they're sorry for saying something true.

If she had been nasty, thats different, she could say I was out of order being horrible. But she was just factual by the sounds of it, unless there were other comments made.

Also, ignoring the fact she’s overweight isn’t helping (if she is actually overweight). My parents completely ignored a period when I was painfully thin and it created a lot of shame. Others noticed but my parents said nothing.

I think the GF should be told that DD is upset about the comment. Hopefully she will apologise. I dont think the xmas plans should change.

Odd question. She learly didn't link what she said to looks, but to health. That's a very different type of comment.

Then you clearly don't know much about other cultures. In many cultures its quite normal to make comments like this.

@shakeitskateit the comment wasn't said with any malicious intent. Teach your DD some resilience to ignore comments she doesnt like and focus on her being more body confident as this seems to have highlighted that her size is more of an issue than you thought.

What would you rather teach you DD: that if someone offends you then run away and hide from them and change plans or, confront the issue and try and resolve it.

Prioritise your DD by showing her that these things can be resolved and that being offended and upset isn’t the end of the world. Use it as a chance to work out why it’s touched a nerve and what she wants to do about it.

It’s not about pretending not to notice, it’s about keeping your opinions to yourself.

DD will be fully aware that she is overweight, more so than any other person she comes into contact with - so how is telling her about it going to do any good?

All it does it lead to a decline in MH which leads to an ED - resulting in being more overweight or underweight.

Over eating is a form of self harm but also comfort, which is why it’s so complex.
When your MH is low, you are going to self harm or self soothe through food.
What makes is even more complex, is that we need food to survive.
Its not like giving up smoking, where you need to continue having 1 every now and then to survive.

If someone is seriously concerned, then they can discuss her going to the doctors etc - but that would be a loved one who she feels safe around, not some random woman she’s known 5mins.

I know many aging people who have thinning hair, bad posture, drink too much coffee, who smoke, drink too much on a night out etc.

I wouldn’t mention someone’s heavy drinking to someone I barely knew, any more than I would mention thinning hair.

Why is weight an ok thing to bring up but not other things.

Your DSS needs to tell her she upset your DD and to apologise. British people are very considerate of people’s feelings and wouldn’t dream of saying this kind of thing. As she is living in the UK she needs to know that saying something like this is very upsetting. My friend’s 10yr old DD has been diagnosed with anorexia and this is because of other children taunting her about weight. She wasn’t even overweight, just not totally skinny like some girls. Well she is now, but very unwell.