DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

I would worry that banning her (and also DSS by proxy) would cause a familial rift and place your DH in a very difficult position with his son. No one wants to make a mountain out of a molehill and cause lasting damage, but equally comments like this can have lifelong emotional impact, so it is important the situation is handled sensitively and brings about a satisfactory resolution for everyone.

It is worth noting that culturally the GF has come from a different place where comments like this are normal. She hasn’t acted with malice and I would hope, cultural upbringings aside, she is a kind and decent person and would be upset to know her comment has caused a young relative to feel so awful.

Equally your DD is overweight and in our society, we are not kind to overweight adults. This will be something she has to face if she remains overweight. I’m not saying I agree with it. But it is the reality and threatening to boycott Xmas over it is not the best way to handle the situation, although I can understand that as a knee jerk reaction, this is exactly what she feels like doing right now.

Ideally the two people involved would come to a conciliatory position and one where empathy is demonstrated. The GF should be told her comment has really upset her BF’s younger sister and although it was not meant in a nasty way, in our culture this comment is seen as hurtful and offensive. I would hope she would want to smooth things over and speak with your DD to apologise.

Equally your DD cannot throw her toys out the pram every time someone says something offensive. People say things. It’s often just a lack of sensitivity rather than a deliberate wish to be nasty. It is fine to stand up for yourself of course. It is fine to call out the comment and say “this has hurt my feelings”, but to cause a family rift by forcing your DH to ban his DS at Xmas is an over reaction. Your DD needs to understand that culturally people do behave differently and that although the comment was ill judged, it was likely something the GF would have grown up hearing and is probably very normal to her.

I do feel most situations can be resolved when people stop digging in hard and try to empathise. We can have integrity and be true to ourselves without the need for drama. There is far too much drama in a lot of families (I speak from experience!)

Can your DH speak to his DS and ask him to explain why the comment was upsetting and ask the GF to have a quiet word with your DD (perhaps by text) and just say she is really sorry and hadn’t realised the comment would cause such offence and that she is mortified to have upset her the way she has. Something like that. It always better to give people the chance to put things right.

this with bells on OP

All those posters who say OP is tiptoeing around her DD's weight need to educate themselves about what happens in puberty. It is absolutely NORMAL for girls (and boys) to gain weight. Up to 20lbs or 50% of their adult weight in some cases. If left alone, the weight will naturally shed as they progress into their older teens. If they are forced into dieting, they risk entering into a lifetime of disordered eating. That's why no adult should comment on a growing child's body, well intentioned or not. If more people were aware of puberty weight gain and didn't try to hold children to the same body image standards as adults, we'd have less of a problem with obesity in adults. Because so many of those obese adults were as children made to think their bodies were abnormal for being heavier in puberty.

https://edition.cnn.com/2023/05/08/health/healthy-weight-gain-in-adolescence-wellness

Exactly, it gives the whole comment and situation massive currency

You wont know about all the cultural faux pas you've made due to nuances about how we interact with others, you will have offended people or looked strange or odd in your interactions without even knowing it, without meaning to and of course without meaning to offend. Its life, none of us are perfect and we say and do things to the best of our intentions.

Even small things like saying please and thank you or sorry all the time, family we have who are european think this is a rather strange trait of the British and see it as rather fake and non genuine. But of course even though I know this, this is what I do all the time when Im there.

If the GF is invited, OP's DD will go to her dad's for Christmas. They would be prioritising the GF of DSS who doesn't live in the family home and who don't even live together over an upset child who lives in the family home.

If that is what happens, there is no way I would be doing any preparation or cooking on Christmas Day.

I don't see why a talk on both sides wouldn't solve this.

A quick chat with your daughter about how in other cultures it is normal and not intended to be hurtful...

And a quick chat with your son's GF about how in the UK it is quite rude to comment on weight...

If the GF is really reasonable and kind, she will likely be willing to smooth things over with your daughter as well.

No need to blow up a family over this.

For my non-English family, this comment would be perfectly acceptable. In fact it gets said to me a lot by my aunt-in-law, and as annoying as it is, in her culture it is a perfectly caring and normal part of family communication.

Yes, she linked slimming down to DD's health but telling someone they should lose weight for whatever reason is of course based on how they look.

Maybe tiptoeing around the fact she is overweight isn’t the best thing to do either. You need to teach some resilience and that she can’t run away from words she doesn’t want to hear.

I can’t believe all the previous posters calling your daughter dramatic. Definitely uninvite her - it was a rude personal comment made to a child which could impact her body image for her.
Christmas is meant to be a time when you can relax, treat yourself , eat nice food and there’s no way in hell I’d want to do that with some one eyeing my weight across the dinner table.
This is the kind of comment that triggers eating disorders - I would not want that woman anywhere near my teenager

No I’d be offended if someone said I was ugly or boring for instance despite it not being true and relevant. We are offended when people say rude things to us.

🤷‍♀️ she's 14, she will have to learn resilience and self confidence and how to respond to comments she thinks are rude. uninviting from Christmas is an insane ask

I'd just have a chat with her about how to respond to similar comments in future and cultural differences. I also wouldn't be surprised about the context of which it came up, perhaps dd made a comment on the clothes not suiting her or not feeling comfortable in them or similar- but even if it just randomly came up from gf, she can't just demand to not interact with her

This is good learning imo. There are always going to be rude people in the world, look at all the threads on here with women having meltdowns over AI not calling them attractive or taking road rage from men to heart and being truly upset they got called names! Time for dd to learn that what people say reflects on THEM not her x

Exactly, not a lot of thinking through the consequences going on here.

The girlfriend has overstepped but maybe your daughter would like a chat about weight loss after Christmas and maybe you can help her. I do think you should keep your plans the same, dd can develop some resilience - its unlikely the girlfriend was trying to be mean, she probably was trying to help

I agree with those who said you should tell your DD that that type of bluntness is common in the GF's culture. It would help her to understand that whilst the comment was rude and it stung, it wasn't said in a 'mean girl' kind of way.

But if the original plan was for DSS and his GF to come over at Christmas, whether you intended to provide full meals or just snacks, your DD might be dreading the idea of being judged for everything she puts in her mouth. She won't be able to enjoy the day at all. I imagine that's why she wants to distance herself and go her father's.

You say it's difficult to get in touch with the girlfriend. I don't think it's your job to confront her. Ask your DH to call his son again and explain how hurt his step-daughter was. Then your DSS can relay that to the GF. For all we know, she might be mortified and apologise. If she refuses to acknowledge it's an issue, you'll be perfectly justified in uninviting her.

This is defo a cultural thing. It’s no ruder than saying « oh I think that colour suits you » or whatever.

Have you told you daughter that?

Honestly the gf should know not to say it but also your daughter could perhaps use this to learn some resilience.

I agree it's entirely cultural and won't have been meant unkindly. I have an obese adult child and often wonder if being more straightforward would have benefitted her growing up. If you can I would try and talk to your daughter and explain the culture rather than univite this woman as honestly this won't be the last time someone says something to her that is likely to hurt.

Why are so many pp falling over themselves to make excuses for this horrible woman?

In the culture of this country, it's rude to comment on someone's appearance, and especially awful to comment on a 14 year old girl's weight. As an adult who has spent time living in this country and dating someone who lives here, it's her responsibility to know this.

Or does the " it's a different culture, let's be sensitive to it" only go one way?

This is just the same as any other rude person for whom others say "it's just how they are, there's no point letting it bother you" (e.g. numerous threads about MIL/FIL behaviour at Christmas). And as with those, the advice should be no, don't put up with it.

I think you need to look at your own response to this situation. What do you teach your daughter by how you react? How did you look to deescalate her feelings at the time? You appear to have no expectation of helping DD be more resilient to things that upset her.

She is 14 so if she is just carrying a little extra weight it will likely shed over a couple of years. If it is significant and you are sugar coating it then that perhaps indicates another problem. We are not offended by comments we don’t think are true, so your DD has an issue with her self image before this and it has brough it to the surface.

As others have said many cultures are like this and will make these comments, in a well intentioned (if not well received) way. Your daughter needs to start to learn how to process both comments that upset her particularly comments from people who are not trying to upset her.
If DSS can explain to his GF and she apologises to DD then that should be the end of it.

On the other had you can make this an even larger drama. Invite the GF, perhaps DSS doesn’t come, DH is irritated, younger children are aware that there is an issue because DD has caused DSS to not come for Christmas. Or he comes and there is an ongoing resentment.

Sounds to me like if DD refuses to be in the same location as DSS GF it would be better to go to her dads as she now can’t avoid the drama.

This is a hard one. My dh’s family isn't British and commenting on weight is just not viewed the same by them as it is by us. I've literally had ‘you’ve put on weight’ be the first thing they've said to me when they see me. They do it to each other and themselves and it seems to cause zero offence. His parents at least have learnt that it's not polite to comment on weight in British culture and so they don't do it.

Would your DSS speak to his girlfriend and explain that it's not appropriate to say that, especially to a young girl? If you all enjoyed each other's company and are close enough to spend Christmas together, is not the healthiest thing to do to communicate about it and make room for repair? His girlfriend may be mortified and keen to make it up. She’ll learn something in the process - what's ok to say in her culture and not in ours and your daughter can see that sometimes people say hurtful things out of genuine ignorance of the social rules of the country they’re in.

Family and good relationships are important and I think they should be worked at to be preserved.

Not mentioning your daughter’s weight is not going to help her if she is overweight. She needs help to manage it. Complete overreaction.

I agree with those saying cancelling her from the family xmas is a huge overreaction.
It was not said unkindly, if she had been deliberately cruel e.g 'Lose some weight, fat ass'! then yes, she is a cunt.
BUT that is not how it went, what is life if we can't be honest with each other?
The problem is that slightly overweight can become obese if not tacked early, and no amount of portion control will fix that as it is quality over quantity.
I know you don't want to hurt her feelings but glossing over the fact will mean you are enabling it further.
I actually admire that most other cultures can be frank and not get offended, we are the weird ones with our over politeness!

It was an offhand comment. Please don’t encourage your daughter to behave like this-encourage her to brush it off. Tell her that in other cultures, it’s common to be direct and the gf didn’t mean anything. In other countries she would be told to lose weight by medical professionals not tip toe around the issue. I’m probably in the minority here, but it just sounds like a cultural clash-maybe just tell the SS to say to his gf that people get upset here with personal comments so to be aware of that.

You being a bit ridiculous. If she was calling her fat and being mean I would say yes she should not have to be around that. The gf is clearly a nice girl from your posts and didnt mean any malice, you don't cancel Christmas because of one comment that didn't land as intentioned. You need to speak to your daughter about cultural differences and move on.

Of course I understand about cultural differences.

I am respectful to other cultures when I’m in their countries and I expect the same in return.

I wouldn’t go to other countries and disrespect them intentionally. If I accidentally caused offence and was told so I would adapt. For example in some countries you can cause major offence for giving a thumbs up sign. I doubt if I just say “well it’s ok where I come from so grow a pair” it would go down very well would it now.

In our culture it’s disrespectful and rude to comment on people’s appearance and therefore other cultures need to be mindful of this when communicating with us.