DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

Hang on though, MN is full of threads where OPs are encouraged to cancel or lay down boundaries with people who have hurt them. But children should just suck it up when it happens to them? Talk about double standards.

And Xmas wouldn't be cancelled – OP's DD would be spending it with her dad and therefore removing herself from a situation that's likely to cause her stress, because who would want to eat a big Christmas dinner in front of someone who might police your every mouthful? That would be a good boundary in anyone else's book but apparently a teenager can't decide to do that for herself?

”it’s cultural” goes both ways. I would tell your son how upset your daughter is and ask him to ask the GF to apologise. If she’s a decent person she will be mortified to have caused upset like this. Then move on.

Those saying that your DD needs to grow a thicker skin as this will happen more….please reflect a bit. This is not acceptable; just because it happens doesn’t make it ok. Ever.

Where is the outrage here? Since when did we become so acceptable of bad behaviour?

If someone said this to my child, I would focus on dealing with her feelings and ignore the other side. Ultimately we can’t shied our children from what people say or do but we can teach them to handle these situations and understand them better.

Yes it’s hurtful and the tactless cow needs to apologise. But by cancelling Xmas and banishing the girlfriend, you are reinforcing your DD’s lack of resilience and the notion that you can just “cancel” people.

I would treat this as a life lesson and speak to your DD about it. People are unkind. They are thoughtless and often cruel. Sometimes you have to grow a harder skin and shrug off things like this because in the end, what does it matter what people think?

However, it does sound like the comment hit home though so does your DD need your active support in losing weight rather than everyone brushing it under the carpet in the English Way. My DD was chunky at that age so it is hard. I do get it.

GF would be uninvited if it were me. You don't want someone that rude and insensitive in your home at Christmas with your DD.

It may be culturally acceptable to say this in Russia to a Russian person however this wasn’t in those circumstances.

Some may seem it as a norm for others
to make comments like this however at no point has it ever been ok.

OP follow the lead of your child. Always.

I agree. It’s a complex area and probably came from a place of concern rather than judgement.

Sadly, if your DD is overweight, then people will say things. They shouldn’t but they do - so it’s best to focus on building your DD’s resilience and self esteem than focusing on demonising the GF.

I’ve been overweight since I was a young teen and only now, am I really starting to tackle it (thanks to mounjaro) but I had multiple experiences as a kid of people commenting on my weight. If my family allowed me to separate myself every time, I’d never have gone anywhere. It’s far better to say ‘this happened, it shouldn’t have happened but, it’s life and when people say bad things, we have to dust ourselves off and get back up again’.

She’s just a few years from adulthood and if weight isn’t going to blight her life and self esteem, she’ll need to either lose it or develop an iron clad self esteem. It sucks but that’s how the world works!

Yep, escalation is totally the right response:

"yeh, I remember we had a Christmas when it was all messed up because my older half sister was/is fat and someone noticed so I didn't get to spend it with my half brother or dad. Things just kind of deteriorated since then. Well we all talked about it after that."

Seriously, some people seem incapable of thinking like an adult. You need to solve problems not throw a tantrum and escalate.

"It's culture" doesn't really cut it when we have open access to the Internet and the people saying it haven't come as asylum seekers, they've chosen to come to another culture. You don't speak to teenage girls about weight or food. It's across every SM platform, more so the one's used by younger people. She was out of order. You don't have to have rude people around your Christmas table. She's just a GF. I'd try to get an apology out of the GF and get DD to move on, but I wouldn't have DD being elsewhere so the GF attends.

She's a growing CHILD. Would you seriously let a relative stranger comment on your child's weight then use it as a stick to beat them with by insisting they dieted? Because that's pretty much what you're advocating.

So the op has a choice spend Christmas with dss gf or Christmas with her own dd and people reckon she should choose the former. Yes op make your dd feel even worse by letting her know her own mother doesn't have her back 🤔 This is a time to put your foot down and if needed take your dd elsewhere with you and your other dc for Christmas. Your dh can sort Christmas for his ds and gf.

It sounds unintentional on the part of the GF but I completely understand your DD’s reaction. Such words can be so hurtful for anyone but particularly when young.
One thing I suggest is maybe talking to your DD about things more openly perhaps. Does she feel fat? I say this because my DD is 12 and has been comparing herself to other girls and I’d be really surprised if your DD has not been doing that to some extent. My DD put on weight for a bit and then kind of stretched out and then again. A few girls did comment, not using the word fat but making their meaning clear. So we’ve had lots on conversations of how to make life healthy for both body and mind, how bodies change through life and that’s ok, how there will always people who have something to say and how we have to do what we can feel to good about ourselves ie it comes internally not from what other people say. She’s still worrying a bit but at least we are talking openly about things and about how ‘normal’ is a big spectrum and health and wellbeing in broad terms. I don’t remember ever talking to my parents about this stuff and I do think talking can help kids work things out. Anyway, just some thoughts. Best wishes.

I do have sympathy with your DD but I don't think uninviting DSS and his GF for Christmas is the right response. That would be making a much bigger deal out of this comment than it should be.

This is a great post. I’d add that we need to try to avoid believing that saying someone is overweight is akin to calling them a terrible person. We attach too much power to language about weight.
I don’t think this should be totally ignored if dd is upset but it should not lead to banning someone from the house. Dd will really struggle with adulthood if she can’t learn a bit of resilience.

I’m in the over-reacting camp.

Your daughter is not going to avoid fat comments, unfortunate though that might be. As others have said, some cultures tend to be blunt and to the point. She needs to develop a thicker skin. Maybe the gf has done her a favour and she’ll start to address her weight.

To be honest I’m not sure what you can do OP. Your DD will probably want the ground to swallow her up, so drawing attention to it by making the GF apologise will only make things worse. At that age if I had the option to slink off to my Dad’s and not have to face her then that’s what I would have done. She’s not been raised with that sort of directness, I expect she thinks GF is constantly thinking about how fat she is rather than a throw away comment.

I think all you can do is chat to her, explain that it was a very rude thing to say, that other cultures can be more direct but that GF needs to learn that isn’t appropriate in our culture. I think uninviting GF probably makes it a bigger thing than it is but I also understand your DDs position in not wanting to spend time with her.

I think you need to find a way to de-escalate. People are right about an off hand comment becoming a life altering self belief. So this needs to be minimised not form the basis of a family rift.

Talk to DD, from the premis DGF is an idiot and ask her to help you build a solution that doesn't fracture the family. There have to be options which aren't nuclear, me or her. I know 14 is young and emotions difficult to handle but treat DD as an adult involve her in solution.

It could include DD talks to DSS. You set some guidelines for GF being in your house. You and DD take 10 mins out every hour to roll your eyes about GF. I suspect there is another option better suited to your family and personalities.

Oh god flashbacks to shopping for a a friends Indian wedding in Southall a few years back 🤣🤣

I think you can validate your daughter’s feelings and empathise while also making it an opportunity to build a bit of resilience. Using humour can be helpful in these situations I think - if Russians have a sense of humour that is (joke!)

It sounds like it is cultural. I have a family member who married into a Chinese family, and the bride to be chose a Chinese make up artist and photographer and was quite open about the reason for choosing them being that they would be brutally honest "not that way, it makes your face look fat" type of comments.

However it's also cultural in the UK to be more circumspect about comments on people's appearance, so the comment about cultural is a good way into discuss that.

If you don't have a way to speak to the girlfriend then I would speak to your stepson. Ask him to let his girlfriend know that comments like that will not be welcome, and a repeat will lead to his girlfriend being challenged and uninvited.

I would agree that your daughter is likely to feel uncomfortable at Xmas dinner, but I would talk to her about it, acknowledge this, discuss the cultural issues, but also explain that she has been told not to do this again, and it doesn't mean that she should be uninvited (if she has a history of being unpleasant to your daughter that would be different, but given that they went clothes shopping together that doesn't sound likely). Anyone is allowed to make a stupid thoughtless remark once, but once you know that other people find it rude, they should keep it to themselves.

At Xmas dinner, can you arrange the seating so that your daughter is not directly in the eyeline of the girlfriend e.g. sitting on the same side of the table if it is square/rectangular but with 1-2 people (preferably adults large enough to block the view) between them?

Yes, it's a ridiculous and cruel idea that fat people are only fat because nobody is berating them for it and they haven't noticed.

You need to speak with DD and help her get over this. If you rearrange everything around her she will learn that she can't cope with life's ups and downs. She is feeling hurt but only because she knows she is overweight. If it wasn't true it would be water off a duck's back. We all have to learn to hear painful truths about ourselves so help her deal with it and let her know she is lovable exactly as she is and that she can either take on board the gf's advice or ignore it. This will give her back a sense of power and stop the gf's comment having power over her.

Bang on!

I can't believe the people defending it as cultural. It's bloody rude and unkind and a twenty something woman who can't see saying that to a 14 year is mean needs to give her head a wobble. Stick up for your daughter OP.

Your step-son needs to speak to his girlfriend. Changing plans because of one comment seems a bit drastic. The girlfriend wasn't being nasty, she was being factual. Russian, Eastern European culturals are blunt, they don't tend to sugarcoat things. Of course it wasn't nice for your daughter to hear, but the reality is, the comment probably touched a nerve. She knows she's put on some weight, and could do with losing a little to be healthier, but didn't like it said out loud. Now she's trying to emotionally blackmail you into not inviting your step-son's girlfriend for Christmas. The girlfriend does need to understand that your daughter is 14, and for a teenager, she's now mortified and upset. See if your step-son is willing to ask his girlfriend to apologise for upsetting your daughter.