DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

Usually a mothers idea of a “bit overweight” in reference to their child often means obese to someone meeting them for the first time.
culturally other people address things like this more openly and frankly - I’d explain that to your daughter and then move on

What your step son's girlfriend said was completely out of line, however, is this really the first time your daughter has heard that she's overweight? Because it won't be the last and no matter how you pussyfoot around it, there will be other people that don't.

The woman certainly owes your daughter an apology, even if there was no malice intended, but I think uninviting her and your step son would be an over-reaction. If she says or does anything like that again, then she wouldn't be getting an invitation again.

I have a friend from Japan and she’s a size 6-8 & her family also thinks she’s obese. She holds weight round her middle & arms, her opinion not mine. I think she’s tiny, but she will say her BMI has her as overweight

Obesity is a massive public health issue in Russia, so apparently "confronting it head on" hasn't worked there.

I think we need to be more forthcoming with weight in the UK.

We are a nation of overweight and fat people and that is costing the NHS billions.

Your 12 year old daughter does need to slim down. 12 year olds should not be overweight, and if they are, they have a huge chance of being obese in adulthood.

Oh my that's even worse! Russians tend to be very very blunt. It's another culture but DSS should explain why she was wrong to comment on your dds body and she should apologize. If not I would disinvite her.

Discussion with comparative strangers?

Can you try to make sure that what your daughter takes away from this is that in some cultures being direct to the point of rudeness by our standards is just normal to them? And that there are lots of aspects to being healthy, weight is just one factor along with fitness, eating vegetables, getting checkups and vaccinations?

I think it depends on whether DD is fat or not, or how fat she is. What are her height and weight, or what is her BMI?
If children are significantly overweight I don't think we do them any favours by pretending otherwise, but obviously any discussion needs to be done kindly and with reference to future health.

The girlfriend was only saying something about health, it's cultural, DD knows she's overweight, blah blah blah. The fact is, weight is totally wrapped up with attractiveness. The poor kid wouldn't be upset is someone said to her "are you ok? You don't look very well". She's upset because she's been told she's overweight, which in this time and place is about the same as being told she's ugly. This needs pointing out to the girlfriend. Maybe "you should try not pointing out things that are wrong with people's appearance, it's nicer" would hit the spot.

I was a fat child. I knew I was fat even without people pointing it out which they did, often. Now I'm still fat with decades of disordered eating behind me.

There's no need or excuse for this kind of 'helpful honesty'.

It wasn’t nice but some cultures do approach things differently & the context in which the comment was made is massive was DD looking at an outfit that wouldn’t flatter her. & made a comment in which she got a reply. I know people will say prioritise your DD but I don’t necessarily think that means causing a massive family rift. You have 2 other children who definitely wouldn’t benefit from a fraught Christmas. There’s a difference between not inviting them & un inviting them. Had this happened prior to Christmas arrangements there is an argument to not invite.

I would ask hubby to have another word with his son & ask that some opinions just won’t be tolerated around your daughter’s appearance. She’s 14 & at a vulnerable age & she’s really upset

You’re not being unreasonable in prioritising DD. But I would have a long, and thoughtful conversation with DD that this girlfriend comes from a country where, culturally, it’s acceptable to say what they’re thinking and that women are under a lot of societal pressure to look a certain way. It’s better to not have that pressure. That, in fact, this girlfriend has probably been conforming her whole life and having to think about how she looks all the time. DD is free to not have to do that. She does not have to conform and she is beautiful and wonderful the way she is.

I would take GF to one side and tell her it is considered EXTREMELY RUDE in our culture to comment on somebody else's weight unless their opinion has been asked. I'm guessing she is from a Chinese/Japanese/Korean background or similar? She needs educating in how to behave when away from home, and maybe excluding her from Christmas will make it plain how very out of order she was.

Your Dss might marry his girlfriend.

How will family life be sustainable over the next 10 years if Dd won’t be in the and same house?

I would ask Dss to explain to his Gf that personal comments are considered rude and hurtful, and that his step sister was hurt, is young and at a sensitive age etc.

I would tell Dd that different cultures find it more ordinary to comment and it wouldn’t have been meant unkindly , and that if people make comments she is entitled to comment back, tell people she would prefer not to hear their rude comments, tell them to keep their opinions to their selves, disagree or quite simply ignore.

I would also ask her why she was so upset, why did it get to her?

YOU think your Dd would be better for losing weight, this woman said what you think and what motivates your approach to food. Does your Dd know this?

Maybe she wants explicit support for weightloss.

Boost your Dd up with honesty.

Also it’s nonsense that people from these cultures don’t get offended. My friend is SE Asian (and is TINY with absolutely no fat on her). She says her family basically call her obese (and also a failure because she hasn’t married). It really upsets her and isn’t just water off a ducks back.

There are lots of absolutely horrific things that are down to culture, including serious violence. We don’t give a pass to those so why should we think it’s okay for someone to act like this woman has? It’s been proven time and again that commenting on young people’s bodies negatively has horrible psychological effects and also doesn’t lead to change in weight anyway. Literally the only thing you achieve by telling a 14 year old girl that she is fat is making her feel bad about herself and that she’s not good enough. You don’t “help” her by saying those things, you won’t magically make her lose weight. You just show yourself to be the horrible person that you are (whether or not your culture supports you being nasty).

We have no idea how overweight OP's daughter is. It is likely that she is only slightly overweight due to puberty and OP has implemented good eating habits such no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc.

If telling people that they are fat and being rude and unpleasant about fat people was effective, we wouldn't have the obesity epidemic that we have in the UK. People are absolutely horrible to and about overweight people yet it doesn't seem to miraculously fix the problem.

All the ridiculous comments about the GF doing OP's DD a favour are from people who just love looking down on fat people and think that obesity is a moral failing even in a child.

This is a 14 year girl here, at one of the most delicate times for comments on her weight/body. Let's not forget that.

The fact that it's cultural or perhaps factual explains but doesn't excuse it. DSS's GF needs to be made aware of that and needs to undersrand why an apology is required. It's not culturally accepted in the UK.

You need to talk to her. Then you also need to explain to your daughter why it happened.

Try not to let your daughter go to her dad's as she'll always remember it as the Christmas she had to avoid a bully.

You need to talk to your daughter in general. Find a way for her to see that the GF didn't mean to upset her etc.

It's a really horrible one and I understand why your daughter is upset.

If someone told me I was fat , they certainly wouldn't be joining me for Christmas dinner and I wouldn't give too hoots if it was "cultural" or not.
I wonder how all the pps know that this woman didnt mean to be rude ? Where they all there? Funny how this woman didnt make the comment in front of everyone else , instead she waited until she was alone with the girl. Its dss gf not his wife and I wouldn't have my child uncomfortable for some fly by night. Thats the culture here and it might do the gf good to learn that

i don’t think contacting her is a good idea. It’s just a way to add fuel to the fire.

The title of the thread says that the Gf told the daughter that she needs to lose some weight.

If that’s not a negative comment (ie an insult) then what is?

That makes sense.

I mean a tiny part of me might be relieved someone had addressed the weight issue head on but I do understand you don’t want her to develop a complex. Also the context in which she made the comment does make sense. zit didn’t come out of the blue. Maybe she was surprised a 14year old wears a size 16 for example.

I think DSS should speak to her to let her know your DD is offended and see if she’d apologise. It’s a learning curve for her too.

It wouldn’t be fair to uninvite her though because it’s like asking your DH to choose between his son and your daughter. I know what my choice would be.

I would be interested to know whether Russians would just accept blunt and tactless comments about their weight or whether they are rude back.

I would imagine that there are many many things that Russians are not allowed to criticise and be rude about. It's one of the world's most repressive societies with hideous consequences for anyone who speaks out about the regime.

I'm not sure why some posters are so admiring about the GF's blunt speaking (which I would describe as very bad manners as well as being mean). Surely, Russians living in the UK choose to live here because they prefer the way our society operates and would try and emulate our more polite social interactions.

I very much agree with the point here about smoking.

I know a woman who smokes to keep her weight down, and she is so outspoken about the ill-health of anyone larger.

And that's before we start on her low-nutrient diet.

I am noticing a strong current in the UK of self-bashing around weight: other countries have it worked out, outspoken fat-shaming works, we should be like other cultures etc etc

Yet if you actually look at the life expectancy statistics of some of these countries, you see the picture isn't that simple. Fat isn't the lone enemy of health that people like to make it out to be for the sake of simplicity.

I say this as someone who was very low end of healthy BMI for most of my life and felt like a new person when I pushed into mid range of healthy. Everything just worked better, and I didn't sit shivering like a greyhound all winter.

Would be helpful if you quoted me.

Fat shaming a child, are you ok? Pretty sure she’s not sat with her mum reading the comments. Her own mother has said she’s overweight. At no point has she said this is related to puberty.