DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

Russians are very direct. I wouldn't have words. Maybe this is a good time to teach your daughter that sometimes people do say rude things and we have to say, please mind your own business. I would encourage her to stay for Christmas but she can't dictate who comes. I had a nan which was very direct. She called me fat, which I was, so she wasn't lying. It did hurt my feelings and I didn't like her because of it. Now looking back on it, she was trying to be helpful, because I was actually obese. I wish that my parents had explained to me that I was putting on weight and to be more healthy. Rather than leaving me to it as a teenager. You should be encouraging her to be more healthy, portion control is a helpful tool.

Everyone saying this is cultural and comes from a place of concern are misunderstanding attitudes to both women's bodies particularly and 'difference' generally in a lot of cultures.
Yes, these kinds of interactions are 'normal' in some countries but so is disability shaming, homophobia and misogyny - not sure we'd tolerate these as much.

Practical strangers from 'blunt' cultures are not all genuinely concerned about health - they're a mixed bag of motivations like everyone else and are just as likely to use it to undermine someone or be plain nasty with impunity.

And weight shaming is very rarely linked to health concerns when it comes to stranger's comments. For the Russian girlfriend it will be related to all the usual misogynistic crap she's absorbed about women's value being dependent on their attractiveness to men - you can see this in a lot of the old Soviet satellite states as well as China, Japan, India - anywhere where there are strong patriarchal attitudes and persistent gender inequality. Women often smoke, starve themselves, replace meals with coffee and police other women's weight in the same way they were policed. It's not virtuous self control - it's just as fucked up as binge eating.

Weight doesn't denote women's value. If it did, there would be no overweight or obese very successful, high earning women married to very attractive and similarly successful men, and yet there are many of them.

It may be a good thing that someone has mentioned it, and it wasn't coming from a bad place. Your DD must see herself in the mirror and see her slimmer friends, she must be aware she's a bit heavy or she wouldn't have taken the comment so hard. I understand not drawing attention and not creating a bad relationship with food but becoming overweight at her age may lead to more weight gain later and health problems later in life. From the extreme reaction to quite a mild comment I would guess she really is worried about her weight.

This type of thing drives me mad. Few girls die of being a bit plump. Anorexia on the other hand ….

My Russian DP says that commenting on weight in this way is regarded as rude even there. Hope your DD is OK and receives an apology.

I actually feel the opposite, but for quite similar reasons - that it is important to show the DD that this was a silly, ill-judged but ultimately pretty trivial comment. Acting like suggesting that someone is overweight is akin to using a racial slur, and that it is a deep and devastating thing for the person on the other end is, to my mind, giving far too much importance to the DD's weight and reinforces the idea that there is simply nothing worse or more shameful than to be fat. Causing a family rift over it gives this comment so much unnecessary power.

Agree!

Exactly: we cross posted.

The woman is just unpleasantly outspoken.

Fat isn't as simple as you make it out to be.

If she is mildly overweight, the toll on her health is probably minimal. Healthy weight people often like to make that out to be more than it is. I was patently unhealthy at a (low) "healthy" weight; mildly overweight would probably have been healthier.

And triggering issues with food through insensitive delivery is never a healthy outcome.

I mean people are trying to pretend this was a close family member who, out of genuine concern, made a carefully thought-out comment.

The reality is rather more that this was a rude and abrasive person the DD had not known particularly well who totally over-stepped her role by either failing to clap an acceptable social filter on her mouth, or was actually intentionally trying to put the DD down.

Let's not enable unkindness by re-cladding it as concern. Leave comments to the close family or medical professionals.

They're virtual strangers

It was nothing to do with her

Oh this is a really tricky one.

When I was a teen everyone seemed to have an opinion on my weight. It was dressed up in weird twisted compliments "such a shame as you're so good-looking... If you just lost a stone..." I think about 80% of my waking thoughts are weight related. What a waste of life. And of course as an adult I pulled out one of the few photo albums in existence and discovered that I looked like any other pretty slim teenager. I became very skinny in my twenties and then very heavy for a while.

You need to tread carefully here.

It's not just her weight. It's whether you stand up for her in this. Our parent's friend lived with us for a time as teens. He was a photographer and had done a lot of work with international models. He consistently commented on my appearance and suggested improvements. My mother always rolled her eyes at my upset and told me I was being dramatic.

While I agree it's cultural with the gf the manner in which this happened was unforgivable. She was trying on clothes, focused on her appearance and vulnerable. She needs a strong message from you that she is perfect as she is in her own uniqueness. Fourteen is very impressionable.

I would speak to SS directly and say I'm sorry but this was very inappropriate. My daughter is adapting to a lot in her teens and what your girlfriend said was deeply insensitive and hurtful. I'd let it go then but if DD didn't want Christmas with her I'd support that; she must feel humiliated.

'Cultural' or not, it was none of her business!

Her opinion wasn't asked for.

Anyone heard the expression 'When in Rome...?'

And if DD asks to go to her father's, what exactly can anyone do to stop it?

One of my best friends is Russian - she's so lovely, but is direct. I kind of love her for it too. I don't think it will have been meant unkindly.

It’s also ironic because Russia, China etc are absolutely not countries where you are free to say what you think. Very much the opposite. You can be nasty and horrible and misogynistic to people but you have very few freedoms. It’s really not a good role model of how society should work.
Also with some of these cultures, they genuinely don’t care if the thinness is due to starving yourself, smoking, making yourself vomit or whatever. There’s a very disturbing social media trend of Slavic women bragging about how little they eat to stay thin for their men (yay, so inspiring). And as I said before, these countries absolutely do have an obesity problem and they are much more unhealthy than the UK and live shorter lives.

But it’s not just about how she looks it’s about health. If the GF had suggested she stop vaping everyone would be in agreement.

I completely agree.

The fact that other countries are outspoken doesn't automatically make that preferable. I can think of lots of reasons it isn't.

Not true for Scandi - you would no way tell a teen you’d just met that they were fat. Absolutely not.

Is the GF Scandi or Dutch? From experience, both are pretty well known for being very ‘direct’, aka what we’d often call rude?

This is actually the best advice, really empowering for DD to be able to see the DSS GF as the product of her own environment and put that into context.

She didn’t comment on her appearance she stated a fact. So didn’t say oh you’d be so pretty if you were slimmer or, you are fat you need to lose weight. It’s not the daughters or the girlfriends fault though that your weight is deemed to denote womens value.

You’d really cut someone out of your life for telling you it might be better to ‘slim down a bit’? If I did that, I’d no longer be speaking to any of my family. Over the years, most of them have made a comment or two but now I’m older, I’ve put firm boundaries in place - ‘my weight is not a topic for discussion. End of’. Learning to set boundaries has been a good healthy experience for me and even more so now that I’m losing weight. I didn’t want your ‘advice’ when I was fat and I don’t want it now either’.

If we cut off contact with everyone who makes a mean comment, we’ll find ourselves exceptionally lonely. Far better to develop good boundaries or sarcastic retorts.

I agree. I’d be sorting this out with DD by majoring on this aspect of it - showing (in a low key way) that the family take is that this is a DSS ‘s GF problem.
to all those saying that this is actually helpful for a 14 year old to have pointed out to her, I’m so curious how they think a teenager today could not have received the message loud and clear that thinner is better?!?!
Sounds to me like OP and her family are handling the weight thing fine. I was an overweight teenager and I’m a healthy weight adult although I will never be skinny. Catastrophising this would be the worst approach I reckon.

As an overweight teenager, I sometimes wish I was told I was acting unhealthy, it might have made me change my ways. I knew I was fat but noone ever mentioned it.
Having spent time with Russians, they are very blunt! Too blunt.
Speak to your daughter amd explain it was her culture to mention her weight in the first place. To not spend Xmas with your family is a massive overreaction and I wouldn't pander to it. She does need to deal with things, its a cruel world out there and I really think this lady wasn't coming from a place of cruelty.
Also, talk to your ss and explain how her words affected your daughter.

Of course it’s not. She probably hears it daily at school and maybe even out and about. She’s not stupid - of course she knows she is overweight. But in her own home and with her family, she deserves to feel happy and safe and not have some dickhead’s opinion on her body being rammed down her throat. People are acting like this is the very first time this girl has been made aware of being overweight. I can promise it is not and that she already probably has a fragile self-esteem, which has now been made worse by this stupid woman.