DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

I was going to say Eastern European/Russian

If you know your dd is overweight and haven’t said anything to her but are trying to get her to lose weight by cutting out junk food etc and not discussing these things with her
Then either your dd doesn’t realise she is overweight and it came as a shock or she realises and didn’t want it to be said out loud and was hiding the truth from her own self as then she would consciously have to do something about it.

I can’t see the GF apologising for stating a fact.

As a mum (family from Central Europe) I probably talk to my children the same way as the GF. It might sound harsh but sugar coating and avoiding difficult situations is not going to do your child any good in the long run. Better to have told dd she was putting on the pounds when she was 10lbs over weight than leaving it to the point when she is 3 stone heavier.

Problem I have with living in the UK is people don’t say what they mean and don’t point out stuff that might be helpful to the person and instead leave people to struggle. They also jump to the conclusion that telling a teenager that they are overweight is the worse thing you can do as they will immediately stop eating and become anorexic
(All the anorexic girls I knew were never overweight in the first place)

Your dd needs to get over herself. At 14 everyone was so convinced my not eating was anorexia that they refused to listen to me. It nearly cost me my life. Everyone jumps to the conclusion that anorexia is this huge killer when obesity is the biggest killer in the country

It' s not that it is even culture based. It is unkind, it is saying 'you as a person, are not good enough just as you are'. That's from a bad place and does say more about the person saying it. But I would expect a person in their 20s to have the cop on not to put their shit on a 14 year old.

No, she is from Russia.

No, she is from Russia.

Everyone saying this is cultural and comes from a place of concern are misunderstanding attitudes to both women's bodies particularly and 'difference' generally in a lot of cultures.
Yes, these kinds of interactions are 'normal' in some countries but so is disability shaming, homophobia and misogyny - not sure we'd tolerate these as much.

Practical strangers from 'blunt' cultures are not all genuinely concerned about health - they're a mixed bag of motivations like everyone else and are just as likely to use it to undermine someone or be plain nasty with impunity.

And weight shaming is very rarely linked to health concerns when it comes to stranger's comments. For the Russian girlfriend it will be related to all the usual misogynistic crap she's absorbed about women's value being dependent on their attractiveness to men - you can see this in a lot of the old Soviet satellite states as well as China, Japan, India - anywhere where there are strong patriarchal attitudes and persistent gender inequality. Women often smoke, starve themselves, replace meals with coffee and police other women's weight in the same way they were policed. It's not virtuous self control - it's just as fucked up as binge eating.

Okay. I have tended to find that there is an extremely strong correlation between thinness and success as a woman. I am surprised that you know so many that defy this because there’s a lot written about how women’s weight determine their perceived value.

Like many women I know in the real world - millionaires in their own right through success and married to very rich attractive men. Hopefully that clarifies things for you.

Is the GF from east Asia by any chance? I’m mixed and my family from east Asia are brutal! I had to warn friends when we were teens. Perhaps explain to your daughter that it didn’t come from a place of unkindness, your DSS is right it’s cultural. it’s important to help her build resilience people will always say things we don’t want to hear.

Ha, I was going to guess Russian or French. For both of those cultures this wouldn't be a big deal to say.
As a PP says, it wasn't meant with bad intentions, it was a one off. You can talk to DD about how things like that aren't appropriate to say. You can ask DSS to tell GF not to make comments like that again, and let her know it's culturally inappropriate in the UK.
But rearranging Christmas seems a bit much.

Russians are very direct. I wouldn't have words. Maybe this is a good time to teach your daughter that sometimes people do say rude things and we have to say, please mind your own business. I would encourage her to stay for Christmas but she can't dictate who comes. I had a nan which was very direct. She called me fat, which I was, so she wasn't lying. It did hurt my feelings and I didn't like her because of it. Now looking back on it, she was trying to be helpful, because I was actually obese. I wish that my parents had explained to me that I was putting on weight and to be more healthy. Rather than leaving me to it as a teenager. You should be encouraging her to be more healthy, portion control is a helpful tool.

Like who? People fall over themselves fawning over Piers Brosnan because his wife is overweight and he hasn’t left her yet. She was extremely slim when they married and I can’t think of many highly successful wealthy men who marry or pursue obese or very overweight women. In fact many of them set impossibly high standards on their wives, even if they themselves are ogres. Case in point: Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, James Corden.

I think changing Christmas plans over this would be a massive over reaction. Yes it wasn't nice to hear, but it sounds as if it wasn't meant unkindly and is a one off comment.
I don't think it is fair for your daughter to essentially blackmail you into doing it the way she wants by saying if you don't she will go to her fathers.

Everyone saying this is cultural and comes from a place of concern are misunderstanding attitudes to both women's bodies particularly and 'difference' generally in a lot of cultures.
Yes, these kinds of interactions are 'normal' in some countries but so is disability shaming, homophobia and misogyny - not sure we'd tolerate these as much.

Practical strangers from 'blunt' cultures are not all genuinely concerned about health - they're a mixed bag of motivations like everyone else and are just as likely to use it to undermine someone or be plain nasty with impunity.

And weight shaming is very rarely linked to health concerns when it comes to stranger's comments. For the Russian girlfriend it will be related to all the usual misogynistic crap she's absorbed about women's value being dependent on their attractiveness to men - you can see this in a lot of the old Soviet satellite states as well as China, Japan, India - anywhere where there are strong patriarchal attitudes and persistent gender inequality. Women often smoke, starve themselves, replace meals with coffee and police other women's weight in the same way they were policed. It's not virtuous self control - it's just as fucked up as binge eating.

Weight doesn't denote women's value. If it did, there would be no overweight or obese very successful, high earning women married to very attractive and similarly successful men, and yet there are many of them.

Weight doesn't denote women's value. If it did, there would be no overweight or obese very successful, high earning women married to very attractive and similarly successful men, and yet there are many of them.

Everyone saying this is cultural and comes from a place of concern are misunderstanding attitudes to both women's bodies particularly and 'difference' generally in a lot of cultures.
Yes, these kinds of interactions are 'normal' in some countries but so is disability shaming, homophobia and misogyny - not sure we'd tolerate these as much.

Practical strangers from 'blunt' cultures are not all genuinely concerned about health - they're a mixed bag of motivations like everyone else and are just as likely to use it to undermine someone or be plain nasty with impunity.

And weight shaming is very rarely linked to health concerns when it comes to stranger's comments. For the Russian girlfriend it will be related to all the usual misogynistic crap she's absorbed about women's value being dependent on their attractiveness to men - you can see this in a lot of the old Soviet satellite states as well as China, Japan, India - anywhere where there are strong patriarchal attitudes and persistent gender inequality. Women often smoke, starve themselves, replace meals with coffee and police other women's weight in the same way they were policed. It's not virtuous self control - it's just as fucked up as binge eating.

I actually feel the opposite, but for quite similar reasons - that it is important to show the DD that this was a silly, ill-judged but ultimately pretty trivial comment. Acting like suggesting that someone is overweight is akin to using a racial slur, and that it is a deep and devastating thing for the person on the other end is, to my mind, giving far too much importance to the DD's weight and reinforces the idea that there is simply nothing worse or more shameful than to be fat. Causing a family rift over it gives this comment so much unnecessary power.

DD is 14, she is a bit overweight for her height but we don't draw attention to this and prefer to focus on healthy habits, no/limited junk food, portion control, physical activity etc. DD is generally very happy, doesn't seem to get picked on at school etc.
DD is not my DHs child, we have two children together who are 8 and 10 years old. DH also has a son who is 26.

On Saturday we all traveled into London and met up with DSS and his gf, we went to winter wonderland, did some shopping, then went back to DSS's girlfriends and ordered food in. Lovely day for the most part. I noticed on the way back DD was quite quiet, thought she was just tired. Last night DD told me that DSS's GF said when they were looking at clothes together "you should try slim down, it's healthier". DSS's girlfriend isn't British. I told DH, who messaged his son to verify. His DS replied "I don't know if she said that but if she did she wouldn't have meant anything mean, she's just forthcoming, it's cultural".

DD was extremely upset and has said she doesn't want to spend Christmas with DSS's girlfriend, but we are meant to. I told DH this and he is in camp we can't uninvite her. DD has now said she will just go spend it with her dad then.

AIBU to say this was out of order and we should prioritise DD who is still a child feeling comfortable at Christmas over his adult DSS's GF?