DSS GF told DD she needs to "lose some weight"

What was the outcome @shakeitskateit?

I don’t think saying “it’s cultural” is an excuse. She’s rude that’s what she is. It’s not her place to comment on anyone else’s body. Can’t stand people like this. I would definitely be asking for an apology or they’re not welcome.

Not necessarily. Comments about weight are often meant as you say, and this is true of all countries I’m familiar with where people talk openly and pass comment on weight, but the context really does matter.

They were trying on clothes, so if OP’s daughter made a comment about clothes not fitting, or something she wanted not being available in her size, or even about feeling uncomfortable in an outfit because of her size, I can see the girlfriend thinking nothing of saying what she did without it being meant spitefully.

Personally I think food standards need to change and we need a crack down on UPF foods.

I'd say this is true but Russia is not one of those countries. It would have been meant in a snobby, unkind, superior way. (And yes I speak Russian).

I would uninvited thegf if she refuses to apologise.

So what is the solution?

I think you are meaning my post, which was "tongue in cheek" and in fact trying to say it is wrong and pointless to try to fat shame.

I thought the hyperbolic references such as a prize for bluntness made that tongue in cheek aspect quite clear, but I do accept that sometimes on a forum where we don't know each other, can't hear tone etc, things like irony or hyperbole don't always come across.

My point was in response to claims on this thread that some cultures like to openly point the finger at people for being overweight, and that it is a simple solution with the salutary effect of making sure the citizens of that culture all conform to certain body shapes and sizes.

My point is that simply isn't true.

People can be larger for all sorts of reasons. Some of those reasons affect their health, some of them are BECAUSE of their health - especially where medication or disability are involved. Some are because of things like sport training where size is of benefit - which you referenced yourself by saying maybe they were simply muscly, and I agreed, perhaps they were. But what they were not was tiny and slender and that, really, was my point: "fat" shaming (which in reality is often size shaming) can in some cases yield a result of someone conforming to certain expectations, but in many case it won't, because there are other aspects involved, And in some tragic cases, it impacts to an extreme degree, which is something I feel very strongly about, having seen this first hand.

I also struggle to believe that, even in cultures where openly slating someone to their face for their size is acceptable, that those people simply take it on the chin and think "oh how very helpful that was."

If you take my post in the context of my other posts on this thread, you will see that throughout I have been stressing that body shaming to someone's face is damaging and counter-productive and that every individual deserves to be protected from that. That is what doctors are for, who are trained to give the right advice and to handle it appropriately. It isn't for random citizens to rock up and comment without a full picture.

That was a post with an open fat shaming and mocking obese people.

I'm not sure what you mean. The thread you linked is this thread.

I was saying that DSS's GF isn't British.

It may well be ‘cultural’ but that doesn’t make it ok. It’s also cultural in a lot of countries to be far more focused on appearance than anything else and cultural to be incredibly judgmental about others’ appearance, it doesn’t make it ok.
anyone with any sense or sensitivity knows how suggestible teenagers can be and that weight is a hugely sensitive issue for all age groups.
teens are much more susceptible to eating disorders/ disordered eating and regardless of others’ judgement there’s far kinder and more thoughtful ways to approach any concerns.
just because someone is from a different culture doesn’t make it ok

my family is mixed and I have multiple conditions which make me look a certain way and I can’t help it.
My family on the whole is very much focused on appearance and the superficial and I have been subject to thoughtless comments my whole life.
Any time I challenge this I’m told I’m over sensitive or they’re only joking etc and I’m at the point I don’t want to be around them much and I don’t want my kids to hear that crap.

So this poster is not British either? www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5460680-dss-gf-told-dd-she-needs-to-lose-some-weight?reply=149228168&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

Do people usually control portions for teenagers who are "a little overweight"? I thought it was a very restrictive measure needed only in more serious cases.

From OP's description, her involvement as a parent sounds more like a gentle nudge rather than actually intervening and addressing the issue at hand. We only have OP's word that she is monitoring portion sizes, encouraging activity etc. At 14, she is surely at liberty to access junk food outside of the home and could be eating in secret. The fact is, she is a child, is still overweight and her weight was noticeable enough to be commented on as a point of concern by someone outside of the family. This should have been pointed out-admittedly in a more sensitive manner- by her actual parents.

It is absolute bollocks that most overweight teenagers shed the weight and grow into healthy adults, they almost always become overweight adults. If the OP's daughter habitually helped herself to bottles of vodka from the family booze cupboard or was vaping in her bedroom, there would be no hesitation from family members to speak to their daughter.

Tell me something: do you honestly go around telling children - say, friends' children - that they would be better off for losing weight? Do you honestly do that? And do you do it when only the child can hear it, not their mum or anyone else?

If so, I bet your friends don't want you anywhere near their kids.

And it’s bogus concern in any case, isn’t it? Health has nothing to do with her remarks but is a very sketchy pretext for making a comments based on common beauty standards.
I’d bet any money on that (unless this woman truly has a reputation as an amateur health adviser, who corrects the habits of strangers from a place of genuine interest and knowledge. Even then, I’d chuck her out of my party!)

I’m agonised for this young girl. Her dad could soothe this sting, if he is of a sensitive and cheerful kind. He could bolster self esteem in many ways, and swiftly enough to buck up her hurt feelings.
.

Who knew that if only I’d grown up in a culture where people were open and blunt, and told me how disgusting my not even fat body was when I was a teenager; I may not be the overweight adult I am now! Oh hang on, I did! I grew up in 80’s/90’s Britain, with a mother and Aunties on forever diets; taking me to the weigh ins from age 4 and getting me weighed too! A teen in the 90’s, when heroin chic was the ultimate goal and I was bullied every day because I was. 12/14 and not 6/8. Adults and children constantly pointed out my body fat, as if I didn’t know. Because fat people are so unaware of what they look like! And all that pointing out did was make me reach for food, for comfort. And create disordered eating and MH issues.
so no, people do not need the average joe On the street being blunt with them!

OP, I would let DSS know his gf has created some upset and she needs to apologise. If they HAVE to come for Christmas, let DD go to her dads, she will not relax at all. This isn’t letting her throw her toys out of the pram, it’s helping her feel safe.
Talk to DD, and make sure she’s ok. Tell her that you love her no matter what, and some people just feel the need to comment on other people’s appearances.

Honestly, some people on here need serious help. I worry about how you speak to your own children

Well, DD has learned that family members can inflict toxic strangers on you at any time and there's nothing you can really do to prevent it?

I would give her the choice of either staying with you, with the reassurance that you will fully back her up and go nuclear if such comments are repeated, or going to her dad. Then you explain to the girlfriend that her behaviour was unacceptable and that's why your child has chosen not to be around her. She doesn't have to put up with rudeness just because Russians and Mumsnetters think fat people deserve everything they get.

What a bitch! I’d have gone nuclear! My 10yr old DD is extremely sensitive about how she looks, especially re: her weight and this would’ve sent her over the edge. Shit like that causes eating disorders and that exact kind of heckling caused a poor young girl local to me, to commit suicide a few years ago. Poor thing had put a bit of weight on and someone close to her, bullied her for it. I don’t think it being ‘cultural’ would wash in that scenario, do you????

Well put.

Yes. The gross intrusion in this scene is a far greater wrong than any supposed caring concern might be a right.

Speaking candidly about weight is one thing, but some older, unfamiliar woman having the neck to comment on the matter to this young girl at her exquisitely sensitive age is really bloody rude.

I find some cultures don't apply the sensitivity to weight that we typically do in British culture.

It doesn't seem like it was said in a nasty way, but I understand this must have hurt your DD. Let her go to her dad's place.

Either he gives you her contact details immediately, or they don’t come to you for Christmas! Fancy leaving you up in the air like that, under these circs.

I think this is sort of what I have been trying to say.

Health is a far more complex issue than just a BMI, and slightly overweight bmi is actually associated with a longer life than a healthy bmi. We can't really know why: less stressed? More chill personality type? More enjoyment of life? BMI category is cut at the wrong level?

Obviously morbid obesity is not a healthy state, but that has sort of morphed into a graded hierarchy of sanctimoniousness around health, which is in fact a far, far broader topic than just what you weigh. I know skinny people on low nutrient diets who are anaemic, skinny people who smoke, and, tragically, skinny people who are dead because of eating issues and low bodyweight.

Weight is an issue for the individual, their doctor and sometimes their parents or carers.

It isn't anybody else's business to rock up and tell them how much better off their health could be by losing weight, firstly because they don't know and secondly because, unfortunately, "glasshouses" and all that. I know a woman who was lamenting at a dinner party about how many years she would need savings to tide her through her old age because ["tinkly laugh"] that's one of the downsides of being a gym bunny like her and in such tip-top condition (the heavy implication in the way the conversation went was that my overweight friend didn't have that problem). The same woman was soon after diagnosed with breast cancer. People just need to pull their judgy heads in

How the fuck does she know that the young girl’s weight is having any impact whatsoever on her health? It isn’t a given. Especially as she isn’t obese but is a little overweight.

Sorry about the swearing. I am personally invested in this as it happened to me and I was so shocked by how upsetting it is for someone to do this to you out of the blue and a propos of nothing. They just come out and say it as though they have a right to be rude to you because you’re not thin like them. And the people on here saying they’re just concerned for your health. What the fuck is the health of this child got to do with her?