So upset with inlaws and DH

Yes :( I am truley shocked as to how someone can hide their feelings so well to your face,

She's a total cow. I'd be tempted to post a message in the group chat that says "In case it wasn't clear earlier, I am extremely offended by the spiteful things you said about my weight and me being a burden especially after the effort and expensive that I, and my parents, made to host you for the past few days. Your message was not only cruel but incredibly bad manners. I am expecting a genuine and heartfelt apology before I can even consider moving past this."

Exactly, her message was cruel and catty!

OP you are absolutely right to be upset, not just with her message but how she and DH have handled it.

I would tell DH (write it down if that's easier) that you would like to clarify that he is prioritising not falling out with his mother over defending you. He needs to understand that this is what he is doing and that the likely outcome of his actions is that you will realise that he cannot be relied on to have your back and this will impact your marriage. Ask him if that is what he wants.

he has a clear choice to make here. There is no need to fall out with his mother. the choice is defending you or not defending you.

Of course he cannot make her apologise but he can state very clearly that he does not see you as a burden, that he is disappointed that she would choose to focus on your weight and gossip about you and that no invitations to your home (your safe space) will be extended until she has apologised properly (assuming that this is what you want).

Honestly, not sure what I’m posting for. I am so so upset I feel very let diwn by my DH and what inlaws have said. I would have expected my DH to have stood up for me more but he hasn’t and I suppose I want to know if I am BU.

I (“Amy”) have been married to “John” for 13 years. All these years I feel I’ve had a good relationship with my in-laws. I’m not hugely close to them but always got on well . so I thought. We only see them maybe three times a year due to living very far apart. But its a relaxed good time when we do meet up.

They have just been to visit us for Christmas. I feel I alomg with my DH made our usual quite a lot of effort for them, cooked nice meals inc full roast one eve and full cooked breakfast one of the mornings, got spare room set up lovely & cosy for the 3 nights they stayed over. Basically tried our upmost to make them welcome. As we always do. While they were here, we all visited my parents, who are local to us. Everything fine. I have never exchange any cross words with my inlaws all the years I have known them and im shattered to now learn they (well my MIL at least) feel this way about me, sorry to ramble, let me now explain,

While they were staying with us, my inlaws had a close friend of hers looking after her dog. As they were leaving to go home yesterday morning, MIL said something about the fact she was going to message the dog sitter / friend once they were on the road, to let her know when theyd be home.

well. What happened was, she accidentally sent the message to our family group chat which contains me, DH, MIL and FIL. This is what the message said,

“On road now, satnav saying arrival home at.. oclock. All fine here except Amy seems to gain even more weight every time we see her. Such a burden on John. What’s that they say though - love is blind, right”.

It is true I am overweight, I have had a very sad year and it has been about just getting through it rather than focussing on life style changes. My DH is very supportive and loves me anyway however he knows I want to make the changes and is promised to support me on whatever way I choose to loose weight next year when I do want to concentrate on myself again.

to say I was shocked . Well. A very big understatement. In a rush decision, I actually phoned up my MIL (FIL does the driving). I said, did you know you sent that to the group chat and I can see it? She said “ohhh my mistake you know I’m not very techy like you, must go speak soon”. And that was that…..!!!???

i burst into tears. DH comes in, having just seen the message in group chat. He says when he knows they are home again he will call her and talk about it. So he does, later that day. He has the phone on the hands-free this is at my own request when making the call. But she wont let him speak, just says. a half hearted sorry that she sent it to the wrong chat screen. And then brushes him off saying it is has been a long journey home and she is tired and got to go.

I wanted him to try and say more I wanted him to try and defend me and tell her what she said is completely disgusting and unacceptable but he said what’s the point, she won’t listen, what’s the point in falling out with them? I mean really I am his wife!!

I feel so violated, I have them in my home as I do when they visit even though it is not very often we both make a lot of effort to make them welcome. They sat around the table, our table, ate our food, sat in my own parents home, and all along they feel that way about me.?

am i being over sensitive here?

Only issue I see here is her saying you are a burden! How ?

I would seriously reconsider my relationship with her after this OP. What a horrible, nasty thing to say. Your weight does not define you, I'd give your husband another chance to put things right. If she won't talk to him he needs to send her a very strongly worded message telling her that she was out of order. At least you can lose the weight, she'll struggle to lose that nasty streak she's been hiding!

Hi OP, I understand that you are upset.
I am unsure how much weight you need to lose but I appreciate that addressing such matters with someone is very difficult to navigate.
Also, the more weight there is to lose, the harder it is.
Please excuse me for stating the obvious but in worst case scenarios, very overweight people become more dependent.
Your MIL's actions were wrong and you have every right to be upset.
Please use the opportunity to embrace some healthy weight loss.
Take care OP

This really isn’t about OPs weight. My BMI is 19 so I have no skin in the game.

It is about being nasty, disrespectful and rude about someone who has shown you kindness. If OP wasn’t overweight then MIL would have just picked another perceived flaw.

MIL is vile and OP would be totally justified in going completely NC with her.

Imagine how bitter and twisted you have to be for that to be the type of message you send to someone about a visit. Not a low level moan like the heating was too high or low, or there was too much or too little food, but my DIL is larger than I think she should be and that made it a shit visit.
As others have said mentally thank her for the gift of clarity. You now know exactly who she is and how little she thinks of you. And now you need have nothing to do with her again. 'No Linda we won't be having you over for Easter. I'm still a big fat fattie so I'm sure you understand'.
I'm not saying LTB but I'd make it clear to your husband that he's on very thin ice for not supporting and defending you against such nastiness and that it's now on him to fix that.