Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset with inlaws and DH

494 replies

ForShyBlueFish · 16/12/2025 01:31

Honestly, not sure what I’m posting for. I am so so upset I feel very let diwn by my DH and what inlaws have said. I would have expected my DH to have stood up for me more but he hasn’t and I suppose I want to know if I am BU.

I (“Amy”) have been married to “John” for 13 years. All these years I feel I’ve had a good relationship with my in-laws. I’m not hugely close to them but always got on well . so I thought. We only see them maybe three times a year due to living very far apart. But its a relaxed good time when we do meet up.

They have just been to visit us for Christmas. I feel I alomg with my DH made our usual quite a lot of effort for them, cooked nice meals inc full roast one eve and full cooked breakfast one of the mornings, got spare room set up lovely & cosy for the 3 nights they stayed over. Basically tried our upmost to make them welcome. As we always do. While they were here, we all visited my parents, who are local to us. Everything fine. I have never exchange any cross words with my inlaws all the years I have known them and im shattered to now learn they (well my MIL at least) feel this way about me, sorry to ramble, let me now explain,

While they were staying with us, my inlaws had a close friend of hers looking after her dog. As they were leaving to go home yesterday morning, MIL said something about the fact she was going to message the dog sitter / friend once they were on the road, to let her know when theyd be home.

well. What happened was, she accidentally sent the message to our family group chat which contains me, DH, MIL and FIL. This is what the message said,

“On road now, satnav saying arrival home at.. oclock. All fine here except Amy seems to gain even more weight every time we see her. Such a burden on John. What’s that they say though - love is blind, right”.

It is true I am overweight, I have had a very sad year and it has been about just getting through it rather than focussing on life style changes. My DH is very supportive and loves me anyway however he knows I want to make the changes and is promised to support me on whatever way I choose to loose weight next year when I do want to concentrate on myself again.

to say I was shocked . Well. A very big understatement. In a rush decision, I actually phoned up my MIL (FIL does the driving). I said, did you know you sent that to the group chat and I can see it? She said “ohhh my mistake you know I’m not very techy like you, must go speak soon”. And that was that…..!!!???

i burst into tears. DH comes in, having just seen the message in group chat. He says when he knows they are home again he will call her and talk about it. So he does, later that day. He has the phone on the hands-free this is at my own request when making the call. But she wont let him speak, just says. a half hearted sorry that she sent it to the wrong chat screen. And then brushes him off saying it is has been a long journey home and she is tired and got to go.

I wanted him to try and say more I wanted him to try and defend me and tell her what she said is completely disgusting and unacceptable but he said what’s the point, she won’t listen, what’s the point in falling out with them? I mean really I am his wife!!

I feel so violated, I have them in my home as I do when they visit even though it is not very often we both make a lot of effort to make them welcome. They sat around the table, our table, ate our food, sat in my own parents home, and all along they feel that way about me.?

am i being over sensitive here?

OP posts:
SiberFox · 16/12/2025 16:14

You’re not being overly sensitive OP. That sucks. I wouldn’t be making any effort with such in-laws anymore.

InMyOodie · 16/12/2025 16:14

I can't believe some people are offering weight loss advice here. 'For your health.'🙄

It's so apparent which posters are fat phobic and honestly believe overweight people bring these comments on themselves. Really nasty.

madaboutpurple · 16/12/2025 16:13

You could send your own message stating how you wish your MIL has a sense of decency and tact but it is clearly the case she doesn't. You could also add surely you will all recognise she is totally bitch like and yet you wish she wasn't I reckon that would stop her in her tracks Time for revenge I think.

Truetoself · 16/12/2025 16:12

I am very interested to find out from your DH why your MIL thinks you are a burden?

5128gap · 16/12/2025 16:08

How horrible for you OP. I'm so sorry you've been hurt in such a personal way and by someone you had no reason to expect would be so awful.
However, I would try not to make this too much about your DH and his loyalty.
I'm inclined to agree with him that no good would have come from going at her all guns blazing when she had already shut down, likely from the immediate embarassment. There can be little more shameful than being caught out this way, and her response was basically to try and hide from it.
I think words need to be had by your DH certainly. But I think a little space is useful to gather both your thoughts and decide what you want to achieve now.
She can't unsay it, and you can't unknow it. So, you need to think where you go from here. Clearly your H doesn't want to have a big fight, and I agree there's nothing to gain. So, think what you want as an outcome. Never to have to see her again? For her to apologise? To have some space to see if it hurts less and you can face her again? To tell her how hurt you were?
Once you've decided then ask your DH to support you to make that happen.

Winterwonderwhy · 16/12/2025 16:06

Never allow this nasty bag in your home again. The worst kind of people are the ones who can give you a warm hug and look you in the eye and then turn around and do this.

kerstina · 16/12/2025 15:55

You sound lovely OP . Just want to send a big hug. I would be so upset too and not sure I would ever feel the same about her. She sounds a bitch and shallow. Only justice is she is probably hugely embarrassed.

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 16/12/2025 15:51

I’d have been passive agrressive, wrote something like that’s odd, it’s not me John sees as the burden,

Butchyrestingface · 16/12/2025 15:47

I'm be tempted to put something in the group chat like

Can't believe we have to host bloody MiL again - her voice alone is like a pneumatic drill going off in my head. How her husband has managed to cope for 40 years is beyond me, must be longing for the sweet release of death.

WHOOPS, WRONG CHAT.

But I wouldn't, because I'm boring and middle aged now.

ALittleDropOfRain · 16/12/2025 15:46

Group chat:

Dear Mother in Law,

That since deleted message was very rude indeed. I don’t know why you would see me as a burden on your son - the reality couldn’t be more different.

Unfortunately, the duplicity has somewhat soured the memory of the weekend you spent in my house.

For the sake of DH I do hope we can move on from this, in whatever form that may take for both sides to be comfortable.

Daygloboo · 16/12/2025 15:43

ForShyBlueFish · 16/12/2025 01:31

Honestly, not sure what I’m posting for. I am so so upset I feel very let diwn by my DH and what inlaws have said. I would have expected my DH to have stood up for me more but he hasn’t and I suppose I want to know if I am BU.

I (“Amy”) have been married to “John” for 13 years. All these years I feel I’ve had a good relationship with my in-laws. I’m not hugely close to them but always got on well . so I thought. We only see them maybe three times a year due to living very far apart. But its a relaxed good time when we do meet up.

They have just been to visit us for Christmas. I feel I alomg with my DH made our usual quite a lot of effort for them, cooked nice meals inc full roast one eve and full cooked breakfast one of the mornings, got spare room set up lovely & cosy for the 3 nights they stayed over. Basically tried our upmost to make them welcome. As we always do. While they were here, we all visited my parents, who are local to us. Everything fine. I have never exchange any cross words with my inlaws all the years I have known them and im shattered to now learn they (well my MIL at least) feel this way about me, sorry to ramble, let me now explain,

While they were staying with us, my inlaws had a close friend of hers looking after her dog. As they were leaving to go home yesterday morning, MIL said something about the fact she was going to message the dog sitter / friend once they were on the road, to let her know when theyd be home.

well. What happened was, she accidentally sent the message to our family group chat which contains me, DH, MIL and FIL. This is what the message said,

“On road now, satnav saying arrival home at.. oclock. All fine here except Amy seems to gain even more weight every time we see her. Such a burden on John. What’s that they say though - love is blind, right”.

It is true I am overweight, I have had a very sad year and it has been about just getting through it rather than focussing on life style changes. My DH is very supportive and loves me anyway however he knows I want to make the changes and is promised to support me on whatever way I choose to loose weight next year when I do want to concentrate on myself again.

to say I was shocked . Well. A very big understatement. In a rush decision, I actually phoned up my MIL (FIL does the driving). I said, did you know you sent that to the group chat and I can see it? She said “ohhh my mistake you know I’m not very techy like you, must go speak soon”. And that was that…..!!!???

i burst into tears. DH comes in, having just seen the message in group chat. He says when he knows they are home again he will call her and talk about it. So he does, later that day. He has the phone on the hands-free this is at my own request when making the call. But she wont let him speak, just says. a half hearted sorry that she sent it to the wrong chat screen. And then brushes him off saying it is has been a long journey home and she is tired and got to go.

I wanted him to try and say more I wanted him to try and defend me and tell her what she said is completely disgusting and unacceptable but he said what’s the point, she won’t listen, what’s the point in falling out with them? I mean really I am his wife!!

I feel so violated, I have them in my home as I do when they visit even though it is not very often we both make a lot of effort to make them welcome. They sat around the table, our table, ate our food, sat in my own parents home, and all along they feel that way about me.?

am i being over sensitive here?

It's extremely unpleasant and goes much deeper than a mere inappropriate comment. She calls you a burden on your husband and then brushes it off. And he wont stick up for you. I think you should cut all contact with them. They are two faced and nasty. And yiur husband should grow a spine. You need to get to the bottom of it with him too. If he reslly feels that then you need to tackle it. Disgusting.

Shambles123 · 16/12/2025 15:41

purplecorkheart · 16/12/2025 15:25

I would actually message your mil and say that you saw the post and that you are very hurt by it. That you would like her to explain why she thinks that you are a burden on her son. Tell her that she needs to say sorry.

In regards to your dh I would ask him outright was he complaining about your weight to his mum.

I think that the 'love is blind' comment really does not suggest op's dh is involved in the meanness.

momtoboys · 16/12/2025 15:26

I am sorry that happened to you.

purplecorkheart · 16/12/2025 15:25

I would actually message your mil and say that you saw the post and that you are very hurt by it. That you would like her to explain why she thinks that you are a burden on her son. Tell her that she needs to say sorry.

In regards to your dh I would ask him outright was he complaining about your weight to his mum.

Ilady · 16/12/2025 15:19

A

haveaword · 16/12/2025 15:19

Soontobe60 · 16/12/2025 07:21

One comment to a friend rather than directly to the Op does not make someone a bully FFS!

Show quote history

Ok that’s your opinion still does not excuse her horrid view of her own son and daughter in law

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/12/2025 15:09

I would send her a text message in the group to say she was rude, adding while we’re being honest she left a sour smell in your home.
I hope you are okay.

NeedMoreTinfoil · 16/12/2025 15:08

At least you now know what you are dealing with and can avoid spending any more time with PIL if that it what you want - DH can always visit them on his own. Have a chat with your parents though, sounds like it would be worth getting their perspective before setting anything in stone. And gives you breathing space to make your response considered and not kneejerk.

I feel for you with DH not saying what you would like him to. A lot of men seem to prefer to let things blow over and settle down rather than do the right thing and tackle issues like this head on, esp with their mum. And she is clearly trying anything to avoid having to address her nastiness. But don't feel bad standing up for yourself, no-one deserves to be called a "burden" like that. And don't accept half-arsed apologies like I did.

I had an issue a long time time ago with my MIL being very unreasonable and unkind to me, and by extension rude to my parents. My DH enabled MIL behaviour because he didn't want to upset her. Her idiotic position eventually unravelled but it exposed which family members were reasonable and which ones just swallowed her bs without question. DH did apologise to me fully and unreservedly in the end but I had a completely forced and farcical apology from my MIL after it became clear I didn't want anything further to do with her after her crappy behaviour over several months. I should have really let rip when she tried the tickbox apology but I wasn't confident enough then. DH was livid with her but he wasn't there, I had gone over to hear her out on my own. As you can imagine, I have just continued to avoid as much as possible, I see her a bit more now to support DH as she is very ill and very old.

lessglittermoremud · 16/12/2025 15:00

I wouldn’t go to the trouble of hosting her again, if your ‘DH’ wants them to stay let him do all the getting ready, cooking and certainly don’t take them along with you to see your family, if they do come I would make yourself scarce.
Now is the time to completely drop the rope, your MIL has obviously always been a two faced phoney.
Your husband should have told her it was totally unacceptable instead of avoiding conflict so they don’t fall out.
Your MIL obviously has a nasty streak a mile wide, you don’t send messages berating your daughter in laws appearance to anyone, be glad you now know exactly what she is like!

MummyJ36 · 16/12/2025 14:58

BashfulClam · 16/12/2025 12:42

Your weight is non of her bloody business unless you are sitting on her face ffs! You know yourself what you weigh and that was truly cruel and malicious. I would take a massive step back from her. She can contact her son but she does not cross your doorway!

“ Unless you’re sitting on her face” 😆 amazing!!

WildLeader · 16/12/2025 14:58

for what it’s worth @ForShyBlueFish love, what she said was hurtful, and you have every right to be utterly devastated by it.

it would damage the relationship between me and her for good tbh, I’d never trust her again.

have you had a chance to think about how you’re going to handle this?

MummyJ36 · 16/12/2025 14:55

I’m so sorry OP this must have been truly horrible to receive. What a horrible person your MIL is to call your a burden. It is none of her goddamn business if you are wanting to lose weight or not. Unless she does some serious grovelling I would be cutting her out of your life.

LemaxObsessive · 16/12/2025 14:49

LostittoBostik · 16/12/2025 13:49

DW these people will eventually hit menopause too and they’ll be laughing on the other side of their face when they discover none of it is as “simple” as they previously claimed

Show quote history

Exactly!

pizzaHeart · 16/12/2025 14:43

PinkArt · 16/12/2025 13:56

I think she literally means that being lumbered with a fat wife is a burden on her darling son. Because she's a fatphobic cunt.

Show quote history

Might be that but OP mentioned that she had a very sad year and it made me wonder.
I’m strongly in the camp that in laws should not know about my health or other problems unless absolutely necessary.
I still remember my aunt bitching about her DIL health issues and I was about 12 when I heard it.

Maray1967 · 16/12/2025 14:41

Icecreamisthebest · 16/12/2025 02:20

OP you are absolutely right to be upset, not just with her message but how she and DH have handled it.

I would tell DH (write it down if that's easier) that you would like to clarify that he is prioritising not falling out with his mother over defending you. He needs to understand that this is what he is doing and that the likely outcome of his actions is that you will realise that he cannot be relied on to have your back and this will impact your marriage. Ask him if that is what he wants.

he has a clear choice to make here. There is no need to fall out with his mother. the choice is defending you or not defending you.

Of course he cannot make her apologise but he can state very clearly that he does not see you as a burden, that he is disappointed that she would choose to focus on your weight and gossip about you and that no invitations to your home (your safe space) will be extended until she has apologised properly (assuming that this is what you want).

This.

Mine would ge told that I am not hosting them again until she apologises sincerely. If he wants to host them I would take myself off for a couple of days, or at least pit for the whole of each day. He will clean, shop, cook. Let’s see how much he likes doing that.

I had a ‘friend’ accidentally mix up letters 40 years ago. I found out what she thought of me when I read the letter to the other friend she had accidentally posted to me. It was very awkward as our parents were friends, but we were never close afterwards.