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Original poster

So upset with inlaws and DH

494 replies

ForShyBlueFish · 16/12/2025 01:31

Honestly, not sure what I’m posting for. I am so so upset I feel very let diwn by my DH and what inlaws have said. I would have expected my DH to have stood up for me more but he hasn’t and I suppose I want to know if I am BU.

I (“Amy”) have been married to “John” for 13 years. All these years I feel I’ve had a good relationship with my in-laws. I’m not hugely close to them but always got on well . so I thought. We only see them maybe three times a year due to living very far apart. But its a relaxed good time when we do meet up.

They have just been to visit us for Christmas. I feel I alomg with my DH made our usual quite a lot of effort for them, cooked nice meals inc full roast one eve and full cooked breakfast one of the mornings, got spare room set up lovely & cosy for the 3 nights they stayed over. Basically tried our upmost to make them welcome. As we always do. While they were here, we all visited my parents, who are local to us. Everything fine. I have never exchange any cross words with my inlaws all the years I have known them and im shattered to now learn they (well my MIL at least) feel this way about me, sorry to ramble, let me now explain,

While they were staying with us, my inlaws had a close friend of hers looking after her dog. As they were leaving to go home yesterday morning, MIL said something about the fact she was going to message the dog sitter / friend once they were on the road, to let her know when theyd be home.

well. What happened was, she accidentally sent the message to our family group chat which contains me, DH, MIL and FIL. This is what the message said,

“On road now, satnav saying arrival home at.. oclock. All fine here except Amy seems to gain even more weight every time we see her. Such a burden on John. What’s that they say though - love is blind, right”.

It is true I am overweight, I have had a very sad year and it has been about just getting through it rather than focussing on life style changes. My DH is very supportive and loves me anyway however he knows I want to make the changes and is promised to support me on whatever way I choose to loose weight next year when I do want to concentrate on myself again.

to say I was shocked . Well. A very big understatement. In a rush decision, I actually phoned up my MIL (FIL does the driving). I said, did you know you sent that to the group chat and I can see it? She said “ohhh my mistake you know I’m not very techy like you, must go speak soon”. And that was that…..!!!???

i burst into tears. DH comes in, having just seen the message in group chat. He says when he knows they are home again he will call her and talk about it. So he does, later that day. He has the phone on the hands-free this is at my own request when making the call. But she wont let him speak, just says. a half hearted sorry that she sent it to the wrong chat screen. And then brushes him off saying it is has been a long journey home and she is tired and got to go.

I wanted him to try and say more I wanted him to try and defend me and tell her what she said is completely disgusting and unacceptable but he said what’s the point, she won’t listen, what’s the point in falling out with them? I mean really I am his wife!!

I feel so violated, I have them in my home as I do when they visit even though it is not very often we both make a lot of effort to make them welcome. They sat around the table, our table, ate our food, sat in my own parents home, and all along they feel that way about me.?

am i being over sensitive here?

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/12/2025 08:19

I kind of agree with your husband, as far as discussing it goes. They were needlessly horrible, but even if you got a big apology because he talked to them again...do you think they'd mean it? Do you think they'd stop thinking that about you? Do you think they'd never gossip about you again? Or would it be all 'poor (son), she's brainwashed him into thinking this is normal and we're in the wrong'?

I think the bigger question is what happens next? Is he expecting you to host them in your home again? Or go and visit them if you don't want to? Because that would be hugely unreasonable. I think I'd just quietly withdraw, as to me an apology is meaningless as they're only Lilley to be sorry they got caught

I'm assuming that you're in no way so large that it interferes with having a normal life or your husband is your carer - which it doesn't sound to be the case, but would maybe change things a bit as could mean they were coming from a place of concern rather than malicious gossip

Wildbushlady · 16/12/2025 08:19

I hope you have made it clear to DH that you won't just be ignoring it and playing happy families next year.

Or that if he insists they are coming over for Christmas, you will be enjoying time away for a few days while he does all the work of hosting the ungrateful venomous wench.

Why should you have to host such a nasty piece of work?

Stifledlife · 16/12/2025 08:16

That wasn't just unkind.. it was positively bitchy.

My first reaction would be to "accidentally post" to the group chat words to that effect, but in reality the best thing is to keep that in your back pocket and now just know what a horrible person she is.

Sadly this is going to colour your relationship for the rest of your time together, and it's not your job to make it right. She is clearly horribly embarrassed, but she needs to realise if she wants to save your relationship she had better move fast.

socks1107 · 16/12/2025 08:15

I’d start with not having her in your home
again, that was an appalling thing to say about you

FeetupTvon · 16/12/2025 08:11

I’d say MIL is mortified and very embarrassed, that’s why she’s not getting involved in conversation about it. Don’t invite them again, you’ve seen her true colours.

Bobcurlygirl · 16/12/2025 08:11

I'm sorry op...what an awful thing to happen.
Id politely reply in the group chat that you are not a burden and sorry she feels like that but that you do not want to discuss it any further. Leave the group chat. No more communication. No more hosting. No more cards or gifts at Xmas.
Your husband is spineless.
Screen shot the comment incase you need it in future when she deletes the incident from her brain and starts to blame you.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 16/12/2025 08:10

Simply being overweight does not make you a burden, so it's interesting that she chose that word.

I wonder if there is some internalised misogyny there - if OP is a stay at home mother (which is a perfectly valid choice if OP and her husband have made that choice), does she feel that it's a "burden " on her wonderful son to "have to" support a woman who isn't even "grateful enough" to keep herself slim ? Or even has OP's husband been complaining about OP to his mum behind her back? That's what the word burden would imply to me.

OP, there have been a couple of well worded polite rejoinders suggested.

Gallusoldbesom · 16/12/2025 08:08

She sounds like an unbelievably nasty cow and I don’t blame you for being so upset. If she ever does apologise and you allow her to visit again I would take the greatest delight in serving nothing but salad and fruit the entire time. Not a roast potato or fry up in sight, no biscuits, cakes, booze etc. but then I’m petty like that! She’ll get the message…

ChristmasinBrighton · 16/12/2025 08:06

I wouldn’t speak to that bitch ever again and she wouldn’t be welcome in my home.

That still leaves you with a DH problem…

Betterbeanon · 16/12/2025 08:04

sesquipedalian · 16/12/2025 07:40

OP, is there something we don’t know here - like, someone your MIL knows who had to look after a spouse whose illness was exacerbated by being overweight? I’m not defending your MIL, but I would say that we have all made less than kind comments about others that we would prefer them not to hear. Some people (I’m looking at you, DSis) have a real “thing” about people being overweight - my DSis once said that I could never come back and live in Surrey (where we grew up) because all the Surrey mummies are very slim!! Your MIL’s comments were not meant for you, and clearly, she wouldn’t have made such a comment to your face. I’m sure you did all get on well, and will continue to do so if you can forget about this. So she thinks you’re too fat - well, I can tell you that I’m too fat, but I wouldn’t choose to have it pointed out. I would ask her why she thinks you’re a burden, and point out that you and DH are very much a team and that you did all the preparation for their visit - but I wouldn’t fall out with them over this, especially if your DH is close to his parents.

I don't agree with this at all? WTF?

So a) you ARE defending her. Lets be clear on that

And b) Now you want OP to try and see a perspective of nasty old cow?

Hitler had a perspective. But who cares.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 16/12/2025 08:02

She'd never set foot in my house again.

Namechange12345432 · 16/12/2025 08:01

So sorry. It is really cruel and a violation of trust to talk to others like this behind your back. I hope your husband will set a boundary.

The1990club · 16/12/2025 07:58

Francestein · 16/12/2025 03:11

I’d be answering everything to them from “The Burden”….
If you phone and leave a message, “Hi, it’s the burden here… John and I would….. etc.”
Cards “Merry Xmas from The Burden and John.”
She is assuming that by not acknowledging the damage then you will suck it up. Make her uncomfortable and feel guilty until it is dealt with.

I love this, normally I'd say rise above it, but nah, let the cow bag have it!

Wish44 · 16/12/2025 07:57

Op so you think that she might apologise over the next week or so? After she has had time to reflect and work out what to do? ( it would take my emotionally stunted/ weight obsessed mother a few days to work through this as she would shut down initially in shame )

i would wait a bit to see what she does…

if you make a big statement now banning her from the house your life etc it will be much harder for her to climb down from.

obviously if she doesn’t apologise then you can distance yourself etc

OvernightBloats · 16/12/2025 07:57

I wouldn't engage with MIL an more. No more effort from you from now on.

Also, never have her stay at yours ever again. Tell everyone what she said and that is why you are taking a step back. Show others the text as proof - this will stop horrible MIL from rewriting history to make out she has done nothing wrong.

curious79 · 16/12/2025 07:53

Heronwatcher · 16/12/2025 07:31

Hang on though, this wasn’t just a bit tactless or a foot-in-mouth moment. It was a deliberate, planned attack as soon as they left the house (which as others havd said, means she was dying to say it all weekend whilst the Op was bending over backwards). Plus no apology.

If you want to accept this kind of treatment that’s up to you but the OP doesn’t have to. I’ve never had my mother or in-laws do anything similar, so I don’t think it’s normal at all.

Show quote history

Maybe you just haven’t received the text accidentally?! if you think your family don’t ever talk about one another or say something inappropriate when someone’s back is turned then you’re living in cloud cuckoo land

I don’t think this was either planned or deliberate. I think it was a dumb error and the MIL is probably feeling a massive fool.

But OP has two choices. To treat it like you see it, which is to go scorched earth and view this as some kind of catastrophic event. Or to try and see it as I see it, which is a dumb and foolish slag off which should’ve never made it into the public domain.

Lzzyisgod · 16/12/2025 07:53

I'd be really hurt by this too.

Whilst in my head I'd love to say I'd go with some of the witty replies previously posted, I would be most likely to minimally reply along the lines of "Your concern has been noted" and retreat from my relationship with her with quiet dignity and focus on my relationship with DH.

You already know your self worth isn't tied to physical appearance and whilst we all know people can be unkind and two-faced, we don't have to allow them space in our lives. Plus the view is always greater from the Moral High Ground.

Scunnygal · 16/12/2025 07:50

I don’t think she’s an evil, spiteful bitch (based on this text alone).
I suppose there are two scenarios - she doesn’t like you and is being nice, friendly, kind to your face purely because she wants to maintain a relationship with her son and therefore ‘sucks it up’ and vents to her friend after a visit. Which is what everyone on MN would recommend a MIL to do tbh. I suppose it’s better than her being rude and unkind whenever she sees you. If the text hadn’t been sent accidentally, no harm would be done by this approach so I’m wondering if it’s fair to accuse her of ‘fakeness’ when it’s actually what we’d tell a woman to do if she had a problem with her DIL?

Second scenario is that she does like you and is somehow concerned with your weight, rightly or wrongly. You may be ten lbs or 10 stone overweight so no idea if her concern is justified (not the mentioning it, the concern). Every chance she’s said to your husband ‘is all well with Amy, she’s put on so much weight?’ And he’s replied ‘mum, leave it, she’s had a hard year with [redundancy/bereavement/whatever your hard year has been], this is the least of our worries, her weight is not my concern right now, please don’t mention it again’ - and she’s taken this as ‘Amy’s life difficulties are a mental and emotional burden on my son’. Even if your husband has never had that conversation or been explicit, she could have inferred that.

I’d hate to have seen that message and would feel hurt and embarrassed and angry that I’d made an effort for someone who secretly said a thing that I found hurtful. But thr accusations of evil, fake, bitchy, etc don’t hold for me. She should’ve apologised more, for sure. Your husband should’ve made it clear you’re not a burden (unless he’s intimated so to his mother before).

pestowithwalnuts · 16/12/2025 07:48

I'm shocked and disgusted on your behalf OP.
I can see how hurt you are by these comments. And the fact that she quickly dismissed you when you rang and then again your husband shows that she's a coward and feels guilty.
I think her apology..if you get one..won't be sincere.
But where do you go from here ?
DH would like to ignore it ..of course he would but that's not easy for you.
I'm afraid I wouldn't be offering hospitality..or anything else in the future

Lilactimes · 16/12/2025 07:48

Bloozie · 16/12/2025 07:29

I would also respond to the message in the group chat. If your husband isn’t going to tackle her.

“Denise, I spent three days hosting you out of love and respect for you, with pleasure, because you are my family. Reading this message and knowing how you really feel about me is extremely upsetting. The first thing you wanted to tell your friend wasn’t that you had enjoyed your stay and our company - it was that I’m fat and a burden on your son. I don’t appreciate being spoken about behind my back in this way. It’s rude.”

I really like this solution. Given you are so hurt and she's not apologised, telling her how you feel calmly and fairly is a good idea. Either on the chat or directly to her.
drawing attention to the fact you'd hosted and then the comment about your weight was actually the first thing she wanted to write and not the lovely time she had, is really poignant.

That generation are really peculiar about weight - my mum is obsessed too.

Schoolchoicesucks · 16/12/2025 07:46

That's awful, I'm so sorry OP. What an ungracious woman, first to call you a burden to her son and then to try and brush off her insult as a tech issue.

At least you know now.

Are you sure that your DH hasn't ever mentioned your weight to her? That would be the only situation in which I could imagine any justification to her post.

Assuming that's not the case, if your DH wants to brush it under the carpet then explain to him how it has made you feel. And write her a card. Tell her how you had thought you had a lovely family relationship, that you enjoyed spending time with them, how lucky you felt to have a MIL like her. And how you now feel that she was putting it all on, doesn't appreciate you or the things you do for her son or for her when she visits. How you would never have expected to read her expressing such a spiteful and unkind comment. How it has hurt you and made you reconsider your relationship.

And then back the back off. You don't arrange any visits to them, go and be civil and take a book with you to take yourself up to your room or a nice spot in the garden to read. When DH arranges for them to visit you, he does all the work in setting the house up, cooking for them, making plans. You can pop in and see your parents or carry on with other weekend plans you have.

If she offers a genuine apology then you can gently lean back in. But to me it is clear that she sees you as her DH's burdensome wife rather than a DIL or loved family member.

arcticpandas · 16/12/2025 07:46

ForShyBlueFish · 16/12/2025 02:15

Yes :( I am truley shocked as to how someone can hide their feelings so well to your face,

Show quote history

So say nothing for now. At new years you send a message to the group chat saying that you have decided that in 2026 you will try to be healthy. This means having no contact with hypocrite people who makes you feel bad about yourself. Then leave groupchat and Block Mil. I would go nc until I had a real heartfelt apology.

CrowMate · 16/12/2025 07:45

Whether your DH likes it or not, there has been a falling out, through no fault of your own. A falling out doesn’t have to mean confrontation or overt aggression. There is now bad feeling that has been caused by hurtful actions.

I agree with the PP who said that your DH should reply in the group chat and say that you are not a burden.

I’d also leave the chat, but that’s up to you. It’s understandable that you’re shocked and hurt.

BDenergy · 16/12/2025 07:42

Normally I would say it’s his family so he deals with it but he’s not going to so I think you should.

How is whatever you feel comfortable with. She’s clearly going to avoid a call and dodge it. Personally I would go for a message on the family group chat as that’s where she bitched about you.

Try and keep emotion out of it. Just tell her clearly and firmly how rude it was and how it has made you question the good relationships you thought you all had.
Tell her that if that’s the first thing she feels she needs do comment on her then that says a lot about her.

This might seem inflammatory but at this stage, she’s the arsehole.
If your husband doesn’t like it, tough shit. If he’d called her out on this it might not be needed.

What I wouldn’t do it pour out lots of hurt and emotion as she doesn’t deserve to know how much she’s upset you. I also wouldn’t make excuses and explain things like you’ve had a hard year etc You don’t need to explain because it’s none of her business.

Get tough!

AtlasPine · 16/12/2025 07:41

Has anyone else from the family WhatsApp reached out to you to condemn this action? I do think you need to focus on getting your DH to see exactly why this is unacceptable and agree that the main thrust of the insult is the reference to you being a ‘burden’. The fat comment is just ignorant and malignant gossip - I’d have dealt with that if it was all she said with distain and disappointment, and tried to move on in time. But the burden comment is very, very unpleasant indeed.

She is her son’s burden.