To think a lot of MNetters do not understand what it’s like to parent a child who is not quelled by your anger

Bribary - if you do x y happens - doesn't work either?

The 4 mile walk is something mine did with me at times but if the road is unsuitable with no lights and pavements and there is no route to the school that has then then I don't blame you for not doing it.

Is there time or parks he can be exhausted in prior to pick up so he's more likely to sit quietly - Dsis has to do that with newphew which is hard sometimes as he's in after school chldcare and she just wants to get home - but 10 minute run round nearby park and promise of walk later with dog often gets good behavior in car.

Sounds tough. Is your son neurodivergent?

I couldn't get off the trains when they couldn't behave but they could walk rather than get the bus once off and did a few times.

Sometime you have to be somewhere at set time and that's much harder.

I had issue with DS at 3 doing nursury in morning and then not wanting to pick DD1 up later on in afternoon she got hysterical if we weren't already there waiting -I had to pick up a large 3 year old a few times and carry - pushing youngest in pushchair or vise versa - sometime it took till end of road to get him dressed properly. In end I realised had to set out hours earlier and go elsewhere during youngests nap time she had to sleep in pushchair then swing back to school gates.

Naught step was always a no go for mine but natural consquences - tiring out and distraction did still work.

Are you seriously saying not to go to school as a punishment for a child? I mean the car seat thing is academic for me as I rarely drive, but the point about sometimes you just have to do things regardless of recalcitrant children remains.

I am also not asking for parenting advice, we muddle along in our own way. And as I said, I do value consistency. It works very well with one of my children. For the other - well, I'm hoping it has some impact eventually, but it is definitely a matter of picking my battles.

@Hollyisalrightactuallysorry
you have defined my youngest child. 🤣

Then you don’t go. Or you walk there and allow the time for it.

but if they won’t wear the car seat you can’t drive.
or you have consequences when you get home. No tv, no books, no games, dinner and room.

when they ask to go anywhere. We can’t because you don’t wear your car seat. Daddy and siblings will go but we are staying home to do some spring cleaning.

did you keep up with the naughty step?

I do recognise that for some even consistency doesn’t work. Then I’d either go for the tiring out method, redirection, consequences or make the home like a monastery.

Ok and what if where you are going is school, or work, or a doctor's appointment? Most places I have to go are not lovely treats for my children, but requirements. Thus this method would probably encourage seat belt climbing for me!

I don't think the OP is asking for parenting advice, just some recognition that these ideas of consistency etc are trotted out as the final solution and they don't work for every kid.

I mean, I do believe in consistency - I myself am very consistent (/stubborn). But as some examples - the first time I put my wild child to bed in a real bed, they wouldn't stay in. I consistently picked up and put back every time - it was 52 times!! I counted. It took over 2 hours and only ended when they went to sleep on the floor. The first time I tried the naughty step - child got up every single time was placed there. We did this for over an hour and left as had to pick up other child from school.

He climbs out of the car seat, pull over put it back on. That’s your first warning, looking
them in the eyes - If you take it off again we will be going home.

does it again, you go home.

do it over and over and over and over again

before you get in the car, remember we wear our car seats for safety. If we don’t wear them we can’t go. Get them to repeat it back to you rinse and repeat.

Similar method for all things

I don’t think anger works unless it’s for urgent danger like fire or running into the street etc.

OP I have one of these and couldn't agree more. DS 1 who is 6 HATES being told off, doing anything wrong, likes quiet time and is highly empathetic. I WAS that smug parent.

Then DS2 (now 4 years) came along and ripped through every parenting technique and hack like a tornado. No SEND or ADHD etc but is just very energetic and quite frankly, doesn't care.

I'm lucky that for the most part he is a lovely boy and plays with his older brother, loves cuddles etc but he just will not be told. I have tried EVERY method of getting him to listen but he will literally laugh at me!

-Giving him 'time out' to calm down. His response? 'OK fine!!' loudly huffs, leaves the room and sits happily playing with his feet. Will then sulkily apologise and do the same again

-No screens if repeated behaviour. 'That's ok, I'll look at a book'

-Warning him several times if he doesn't listen, I will get cross and shout (I rarely shout!). He laughs. Then when I shout, he thinks its hilarious and shouts back at me like its some big game

-Naming feelings and sitting with him, trying to work out why he's not listening? He then will pay no attention to me and ask when I'm going to finish talking.

These are all over small things. I'm lucky that he doesn't ever really tantrum or get angry, just doesn't listen or do basic things we ask like put his shoes on for school or brush his teeth etc.

We have sussed out a lot of it is attention based and he loves to play the clown so ignoring him actually does upset him. It's the ONE tool I have in my armoury at the moment!

I think he's quite empathetic too though so I'm hoping that although he may push boundaries when he's older, he'll have a decent moral compass and will remember kindness to others!

Don’t need anger, consequences and follow through to the bitter end.

cancel the school trip even if you pay full price, don’t replace the gadget, don’t give the £, remove the telly/internet.

be willing to be in the mire as well to teach the lesson.

Not read the full thread but this saved us.

Hes extremely bright and we had the extreme luck to find a specialist class that is only for 'twice exceptional' kids - ones who are extremely bright and 'different'.

The Duckling was well on his way to complete disengagement with school and increasingly at home. There are challenges at home (father autistic and extremely poor at handling him, I have my issues) but he was assessed as being intrinsically extremely autonomous. Nothing you do makes a difference.

Now, after this school, he's bright, engaged, happy and settled and of you explain to him why he needs to do / not do something he will listen

But it was a matter of finding the right teachers with highly specialised knowledge. We were extremely lucky because I really think he might have ended ip on a very bad path otherwise.

@andanotheryear If your children don't respond to calm voices, annoyance, consequences or anger; how do you actually parent?
Are you shut in?
Are they in school yet?
If they are in school or nursery, how are they managed there?

I'd have had my bluff called with older two with counting and vauge threats - I had to be very carefuly what I threatened - a few time I had to walk miles home or leave before ordering food and curse my mouth.

It paid off when girls had a friend around 10 who was walking to an event and they were all playing up and I threatened we'd turn round if they didn't behave - friend scoffed my girls turned to her and siad oh she'll do it and freind was taken back but they behaved rest of the day for me.

I used to do excuse me beg your parden so they could re-think how the spoke to me usually worked or when DS was a teen humour also defused situations. I found DD1 harder as older teen she stormed out the house a few times - though our cats were useful there as defusing objects.

I have young adults now with adhd and autism. My oldest squared up to me one morning, as a teen. I dropped my voice and bellowed at him to get to his room for his own safety! We were a non physical punishment house so I’ve no idea what I would have done 🤣

All of mine are quashed by a “look” from me and I’ve never made it to 3 (as in 1… 2…). I did ask, once, what the thought would happen and they all agreed that they don’t even want to think about it 🤣

Before I sound like an evil villain that my kids are scared of, they’re not. But they are well aware that I can be “fierce” and I mostly use that fierceness against others to support them (the LEA etc).

You are definitely in for the long haul, and to an extent it is a containment exercise. The kids I knew as Explosive Children are all now coming into adulthood, the boys certainly are universally Explosive and Angry men. (Even the ones that manage to hide it a bit.)

That's not DS and he's 18 now - he wasn't a bad teen at all - but was an explosive toddler and child.

It may depend on why they are exploding with DS it was strugling with transitions, stuggling doing what his peers were whether that was physically or educationally - so that all improved with time and support. He's actually pretty coflict adverse his sister in bad moods can needle and he handles it better than others in family. He is pretty driven but in a good way now.

DD1 when she set off - and often it was sensory overload - you could do nothing but wait it out - comfort or attention of any kind would make it all worse. She also very detemined from young age - recently disgosed ADHD and few other things.

I never had the car seat issue as we don't drive - they had to learn to walk and hold my hand or pushchair and if they couldn't behave on public transport - where we could they'd walk back and they rapidly learnt to behave. Car seat pretty much a red line - so I'd look to see if there any tech that could help prevent escapes and if not use feet and/or public transport and make it clear why - my DC caught on very quick when they moan at being tried walking and got very grumpy we'd be on bus if you had behave repsonse every time.

I'm honestly not trying to be argumentative. I'm just confused - you say you didn't post for advice so is this thread a complaint about other parents not understanding your parenting challenges? But like I wrote earlier, every child is different and so I'm surprised that you would be surprised? I'm guessing you also don't understand what it's like to parent a child who is not yours, that's surely normal. Is there a specific situation/conversation that prompted this thread?

Why is it a surprise that if a child is in a rage you need to wait for them to calm down? That's surely quite obvious and lots of child development articles say you need to remain close by, calm and silent to first help them regulate their emotions before trying to tackle the behaviour. It's hardly news?

And surely it's not surprising that random posters on the internet might be giving bad advice re your comment that people are just telling you "consequences and more consequences" without anything actually helpful.

It also shouldn't be a surprise that different children respond differently. After all, adults don't all react in the same way so why should kids? So yes, each parent can only parent the children they actually have.

I honestly don't understand the point of your thread, OP?

I totally understand this. Discipline does not work. It is exhausting. I only hope things will improve with age 🙏