To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

I'm technically a boomer and have DC of 27 and 29 born when I was 37 and 39.
I don't think 37 was unusually old to have children in the 90s. Most of my friends were around the same age.

Gen X with a 25 year old.

They are the product of the upbringing we gave them. And yes, it is galling to hear some of the gripes, considering how minor they are. But then, that was kind of the point of what DH & I were trying to do. Making sure he didn’t have the sort of pain in his childhood that we did.

At the same time, I waited futilely for 40 years for a simple “I’m sorry” that never came. So while his criticism may seem overblown to my “pain scale”, I don’t hold back with a full throated “I’m sorry” where I genuinely mean it.

And … after all these years, I think my parents were trying to do for us what DH & I have tired to do for DS. Possibly that just what generation after generation has tried to do and we all pass through the stage of having recriminations, and then being on the wrong side of them. If lucky enough, being able to snicker quietly as we watch our offspring getting an earful from their own kids. 😬

YANBU except for the paying thing - it isn't unusual that if you invite someone else to do an activity with you, then you are also offering to pay unless that is discussed beforehand, especially if you are wealthier than they are (you may not actually be now, but growing up you were richer than she was). The tit-for-tat is when they then invite you to do something else later (hence annoyed Mumsnet threads about people who treated a friend to expensive tickets but only gets free walks in the park in return).
Possibly more relevantly, you and your daughter are also starting from a position where for years you paid for everything you did together because she was a child, and presumably you still pay for your younger children's activities, so it has probably never occurred to her to question this - she might well check in or offer to pay with her friends or in-laws but "Mum just covers things" has never been challenged as an assumption - have you ever said "your turn next time" or similar to her, to make her think?

I dont see why people have to keep going out for lunch and meals all the time.
Op can't you see your daughter and cook for each other or make some sandwiches for example.

What’s that got to do with anything the OP has written about? Using ‘boomer generation’ is also really offensive and unnecessary.

Putting aside expectations for you to always pay which is unreasonable if true, I think it’s likely that you are minimising your shortcomings as her parent to get the responses you want from this post. You seem to want your daughter to be grateful for fairly basic expectations of anyone who raises a child (like food, shelter, laundry, taking her to school and going on holiday - which I’m sure you chose, booked and enjoyed yourself). You have listed things you haven’t done like smoking and drinking a lot as a positive, this is normal and irrelevant to your daughter, also comparing your situation to worse off families isn’t the way to give yourself a pat on the back. When you become a mother you see your childhood through a different lens, and if it wasn’t good it’s very hard to come to terms with how easy it is to not to resort to toxic behaviors. I personally feel sick to death of the stupid old troupe ‘you will understand when you become a parent’. It’s not about parenting being easy either, it’s hard but it is ridiculously easy to keep your temper in check and treat your children with the love and respect they absolutely should be entitled to. I think you’ve glossed over issues using language like ‘it was seriously small’ and ‘I got annoyed’ the resentment hasn’t come from nowhere and it’s likely to get worse if your daughter has her own family eventually.

Same here, I have a 20-something and I'm 51 so definitely not a boomer. I don't disagree it's harder for our kids than it was for us but it wasn't that easy for us to get on the housing ladder, no final salary pension for me, and certainly no job security.

And I think the younger generation don’t realise how much we boomer generation pay out for them.
So far my children have been supported through university, had paid for driving lessons and first cars. Had deposits for rentals and then a deposit to buy their first property.
Neither I nor any of my boomer friends received any of this, but we have all done it for our children.
Back to the op; my children are more appreciative than your daughter, but the expectation that we will pay is there. The most annoying thing is that they still think they are hard done to, even though they have a much better life, yes even with the massive increase in house prices.

YANBU! 💐

Why are you talking about boomers? OP sounds late 40s / early 50s. And why does that mean that OP’s daughter gets to be condescending and entitled?

I started paying a mortgage at 23 and my mother would say every time I visited "if there's anything you want just ask". After a few years she stopped saying it because I never had need to ask. I worked, paid for the important things, went without if I couldn't afford it, supported a lazy husband for 13 years and nearly 35 years later I've got savings, mortgage paid off, debt free and still haven't asked for help or hand outs. I never expected my parents to bail me out for lifestyle choices.

It is typically a sign of immaturity to think that people who are more successful than you have gained that success because they were luckier - "better" parents, more affluent, better educated, better looking, more luck in the gene pool lottery. So they prefer to believe they are owed something (often by you, the parent, but sometimes society in general) instead of just looking at themselves honestly in the mirror.

Young people eventually mature, at different rates, and realise that if they keep plugging away at life with dogged determination, success will come.

Wait until she's had a crack at parenting, single or otherwise, whilst building a career. She'll probably have a different perspective then and hopefully be more appreciative of what you've done for her.

I have twins in their early twenties.

both are skint so I pay for meals out etc. I am very happy on the odd occasion one buys me coffee or the like.

however one is much more self obsessed and me me me than the other. It’s very noticeable.

she does seem to be growing out of it a bit.

(btw, I am 48 and gen X My own mum is a boomer!)

I never criticise my mum’s parenting although I expect I did in my early twenties. It’s a lot easier before you actually do it.

My adult DC typically treat me well.
Don't get me wrong, some of it resonates, the acting like I'm stupid thing and being critical, which they do occasionally stray towards. However, I will have none of it, and make it as clear to them as I would to anyone else who criticised me or tried to belittle me that it's not on.
Its really important they see me as a person, just like everyone else they know, and just as entitled to be treated with consideration and respect, rather than a mum machine with no feelings that can be treated as they chose. And I'm not afraid to be stand firm on that.
So, to answer your question, I think people of any generation can be as entitled as you allow them to be. Some parents tolerate very poor treatment, jumping through hoops to please their children because they're frightened of the consequences of displeasing them.
Unfortunately this isn't helpful as it becomes a viscious circle of tolerance of disrespect leading to further loss of respect. The only way to break it being to take the risk, stand up for yourself and set your own boundaries.

I doubt if having children will change anything. Parents who are bullied by their adult children become even more afraid to challenge them if they think they might be deprived of contact with their grandchildren.

I have two boys in their early-mid 20s and I honestly haven’t had any entitlement issues from them at all. Maybe I have been particularly lucky, I can’t compare to friends kids as I’d never ask them and they’ve never said.

My brother acts like our parents were terrible and our upbringing was boarderline neglectful. It wasn't....
My brother will say things like, we never had enough food in the house.. we did.

A lot of this happened when my brother started therapy and was basically told 'everything is your parents fault'... he has since paid for ASD, ADHD, Dyslexia tests... all positive (he paid for them... which I believe mean you pay for the diagnosis not the test). And he blames my parents for not knowing and treating accordingly. His neglectful childhood and list of diagnoses means he can't (won't) work.

It's all totally batshit and self indulgent imo.

Im assuming they dont have children? That will change things again. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to tell her this upsets you.

YABU. You complain about her, yet you seem to think that doing the minimum as a parent is worthy of congratulation. I would imagine that she is picking up on that.

I'm now retired, but I recall being horrified at the attitude of teenagers with regard to money. I'd often hear "My mum won't give me any more money, so I'll just ask my gran."

This was an area with 'multiple indicators of deprivation' When I pointed out that it was unkind to seek money from a pensioner, it would be 'My gran always has plenty of money!'

I can assure you that these working class grannies certainly did not.

I recall one boy deliberately breaking his phone 'to get a new one'. When I protested it was 'It's insured!'

Maybe the problem is that adults don't want children to be frightened, so they don't share money worries with them?

I don’t recognise this in my children but have heard similar stories from plenty of colleagues and friends. I think it depends on what you expect from them. If their wants, needs and desires have been prioritised as more important than yours in every situation for their entire life why would they think it was any different once they were an adult?

Yeah I also wondered this. If her mum is running around looking after much younger (half) siblings without much time for her older daughter and grandchildren, then her daughter probably does feel a bit hard done by and upset.

To be quite honest with you, I think my own mother could have written this post about me when I was in my 20s. I was pretty selfish and thoughtless... I like to think I'm better now... (or at least I try... I have to keep reminding myself.) Is it a generational thing, is it a natural phase of life, is it just a personality thing, I don't know.

The thing with the always expecting you to pay - I had conversations with my friends about this when we were in our 20s... basically, it can be weird moving from a dynamic where you're a child and your parents pay for everything, to being a student, and they still pay for everything because you're skint, to getting your first job but they still pay for everything because it's entry level so you're still skint, to actually not being skint anymore so really you ought to start paying your share, but it's not necessarily a natural or obvious transition for everyone, especially when that dynamic has been going on a while. I know some people whose parents still insist on paying for everything, and some where their parents made it explicit that they expect their children to go halves with them on meals etc... I know you said you don't want advice, but honestly I think in this specific case it wouldn't hurt to be explicit and say "OK we'll meet for lunch, but I'd like to start going halves on the meal now, because to be honest I'm not minted and you're a working adult now" or however you want to word it, because it's probably not malice, but just force of habit.

I bet this from one adult child ....older than yours though
Makes me feel rubbish sometimes with the negative 'jokes ' that I don't find funny

OP says she is in her 50s, far from being the boomer generation.

And even if she was, what has the cost of living got to do with showing some gratitude when people give you things or buy you meals!