To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

I'm sorry that your dd is treating you like this.

I have an adult daughter. She is not like this. Her boyfriend is not like this with his parents either. My nephew is not like this either.

I don't think it's a generational thing really. I think it has always been the case that some young people are entitled/selfish/disrespectful etc. As indeed are some much older people.

I think a big part of the problem is, my generation (boomers/gen x) were brought up very differently; not pandered to, expected to pull our weight in the family home, doing small chores from a young age, minding our manners, respecting our elders etc… but that’s all changed. I remember my mum going on about the sacrifices my parents made for us, although God knows what those sacrifices were; we were well fed and clothed - the minimum requirement for bringing up kids I’d have thought - but given very little praise or encouragement, or practical advice, no financial help and no interest shown in our future beyond the understanding that we’d get a good job and not bring ourselves or our parents into disrepute. Now there’s much more focus on children’s happiness and wellbeing, their feelings and mental health are taken seriously, which is as it should be, but consequently their expectations are higher and they’re less respectful of older generations. And while I’m glad things have changed for the better in lots of ways, I can’t help feeling sometimes that my generation have been stuffed both ways, ie the deference and duty we showed our parents has never been shown to us.

Just want to say, your post here really resonates with me - the whole thing about not being 'seen', it might sounds like 'therapy speak' to some but it's exactly how I feel about my relationship with my mother. She talks a lot about how great I am but I am a writer and I know for a fact she's never read a single thing I've written. She's just not interested. The only thing about me that really interests her is how I look. I've also had really serious problems in my life around addiction and depression and she's not wanted to know or see any of that. I haven't made her because what's the point? Anyway, don't want to hijack this thread - but just to say thanks for opening my eyes a bit.

No. It hasn’t always been the case. My boomer parents were a lot better off than my grandparents. They transcended their class boundaries.
My first one bedroom flat 20 years ago cost 10 times what my parents paid for the 4 bedroom house I grew up in in the 70’s. I don’t earn 10 times their salary.

I know I’m not a perfect parent, but I certainly wouldn’t tell my children ‘well we moved so you could go to a better school’ or ‘I drove you to school everyday’ no more than I’d say ‘there was always food on the table’. I was never close to mine so it gobsmacks me when they insist we’re best friends (we’re not) I used to feel very frustrated that she couldn’t show up how I wanted to, I always felt there was a slight, a comment, an expectation- I started communicating that with her but it ended in arguments every time and that it was a very much ‘me’ problem. The thing is it isn’t- I don’t surround myself with people who pick at me because I grew up with it. My mother would also say she’d done everything for me, but in reality she didn’t- sure I went to school, excelled academically but she never really saw me.

Sounds a bit like my mother.

My mother was my bully. She would nitpick every little thing about me while praising my younger sister. People would praise me as a person, I won awards at school, one being the highest you could get and she would just go mmhmm.. yea.. like it was uncomfortable but if it was my sister, she would practically beam with pride. Anything she would do for me, she would hold over me or remind me so I stopped asking for help but if I didn’t ask for her help and asked my dad (they live together), she would be angry. It always takes my aunt, her SIL to point out her negative bias towards me.

She’s better now towards me and a way better grandparent than she ever was a mother to me, but the only way our relationship works is 4,000 miles away with a Skype call once a week and seeing each other in person once a year and the focus is on my children.

To be completely honest, becoming a mother only proved that she could have been way better than she actually was as a mother to me and for some reason only she knows, she chose not to. Funny enough she would talk about how mean her aunt was to her son compared to his siblings and said male cousin was such a sweetheart, yet she was the same way to me as her aunt was to him.

I remembered she hugged me two years ago when she and my dad were leaving. Even DH’s eyes widened in surprise. We’ve been together for 15 years and it was the first time he ever saw her hug me. I don’t recall the last hug she gave me before that even as a child.

I think YABU to say this is "young adults" as opposed to your dd.

I have 3 (all in their 20s) and none of them are like this, and nor are other young adults I am close to.

YANBU to start a thread saying you feel sad she is like this, but YABU to suggest it is all young adults.

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned not at all, I think that's very reasonable. As long as the presumption isn't there that someone pays all the time, it's ok to split costs whatever way is fair. My DHs family for example pay for SIL these says because she has fallen on hard times but she was always generous when things were easier for her. I happily contribute. If it were to become an expectation when she (hopefully) gets on her feet again I'd feel differently.

Also re: getting over, it’s hard if the parent just insists everything was rosy when in your experience it wasn’t and has contributed to issues further down the line. I’m not saying this generation does this and yours is all wrong, I’m just saying that if you sat down and discussed it and were open about everything it might solve a lot of problems. Eg The money issue- if a parent was holding this as resentment I would immediately resolve it, but if they don’t know then it’s hard to.

I understand, I’m just saying from my perspective my mother quite often poses things to me like I should be thankful and often they are things that quite simply are expected. I know I’m not a perfect parent, but I certainly wouldn’t tell my children ‘well we moved so you could go to a better school’ or ‘I drove you to school everyday’ no more than I’d say ‘there was always food on the table’. I was never close to mine so it gobsmacks me when they insist we’re best friends (we’re not) I used to feel very frustrated that she couldn’t show up how I wanted to, I always felt there was a slight, a comment, an expectation- I started communicating that with her but it ended in arguments every time and that it was a very much ‘me’ problem. The thing is it isn’t- I don’t surround myself with people who pick at me because I grew up with it. My mother would also say she’d done everything for me, but in reality she didn’t- sure I went to school, excelled academically but she never really saw me. Or that’s what it felt like. I was horrendously bullied and had an eating disorder but she couldn’t see any of it because it upset her too much. There was a lot of self centredness almost like ‘how could you do this to me’ when all I’d done was exist( and then she wanted me to be thankful for being able to exist) It’s complex, I didn’t have a terrible upbringing but I find it hard to communicate with her. I don’t expect them to pay but they always insist- just start by setting that boundary, it might be that she just assumes you’re happy to because you always have.

@Pennyfan I have noticed this. Not with my own children but some of my friends and acquaintances’ kids are dreadfully entitled. They seem to want their parents to do things for them rather than do it themselves. They resent their parents spending money to enjoy themselves as they think it’s theirs by right. They also criticise their parents for the slightest thing.
I too have friends and relatives with adult children like this and the OP's- but many parents are now terrified of being cut off/estranged if they speak out too. There is a lot of therapy speak e.g. if a parent disagrees, they are gaslighting them, other posters advising to grey rock, go NC or VLC etc.
There are also many threads on MN with posters complaining about older parents and their money and 'narcissistic' parents. As far as I am aware, only a psychiatrist can diagnose narcissism, not someone on the internet. Many older friends are actively saving for care homes now but if they dare to take a holiday or do not provide regular childcare, they're selfish - parents can't win.
In addition, most of this seems directed at mothers, so much ageism (Karen anyone?) and misogyny. It seems like we've gone back to the days of drowning older women as witches.

Re the expecting parents to pay for things: I do think it's quite common to 'revert' a bit when you're a young adult spending time with your parent, and perhaps it is a sign of security, if that makes sense. Like you feel able to just behave like a child again and be looked after and even be a bit selfish. I know (to my shame) I've been like that a bit sometimes, and it's only now that my parents are older that I look after them more. Part of that gradual balance shift of who looks after who.

As did my parents !

she’s not a Boomer, put money on her being Generation X like me.

Wow!

Some of it is personality and some I think is not having enough life experience to appreciate their parents. My daughters are both appreciative of their parenting and I wouldn’t say either is entitled and they are both in their 30s. Some of my friends have adult children like that though.

I think modern life is not easy for youngsters though with high house prices, social media, job insecurity and pension rights stripped away so many face working until 70. The time thing is obviously difficult for you. Can you arrange a regular get together say once a fortnight or every three weeks if she doesn’t live nearby? Maybe if you have other younger kids which keep you busy she just misses you? Or it may be she is entitled.

I have noticed this. Not with my own children but some of my friends and acquaintances’ kids are dreadfully entitled. They seem to want their parents to do things for them rather than do it themselves. They resent their parents spending money to enjoy themselves as they think it’s theirs by right. They also criticise their parents for the slightest thing. But some aren’t like that at all.

You provided a roof over her head which was calm and loving. She had a good school life. Many, many people in the world would think love to have that. My son said he realised what a good home he had-I was a single parent-when he went to university and met kids who didn’t have what he had. Have you tried talking to her about this? Telling her how you feel? She may have no idea you feel like this.

When my kids were growing up, my mantra was don’t sweat the small stuff. I dunno-I think there is much more chasing perfection now-if you didn’t have the perfect life then you’re traumatised. It’s good to be a good enough parent. Not to smooth over everything for your kids and make things perfect. How will they deal with an imperfect life?

Hard to say when we only get one side but I find it incredibly irritating when I try to explain how I felt growing up and get told that it doesn’t matter because they were doing their best. I understand that, and quite often when I say it it’s because I’m dealing with consequences mentally from things that happened that weren’t dealt with in my eyes correctly (I have children now and my mums favourite phrase used to be ‘wait until you have children’ now it’s ’wait until you have grandchildren’ or whatever)’ A constant moving of goal posts where I will never understand her because I am not exactly in her shoes. This is frustrating because it feels invalidating. My parents also threw money at everything and then use it as an excuse, when you explain things you did they sound like not out of the ordinary things to do. If you say this and expect a congratulatory response it’s frustrating. Similarly if you say ‘well I’m sorry you feel like that’ it just sounds like you’re not taking responsibility - like I say I’m not saying you didn’t try your best but sometimes it might not feel enough.
My mother will eventually throw her hands up and say ‘well I can’t say anything’ it’s an issue of communication because I spent a long time wanting a type of parent I didn’t have. I’ve accepted it now but it was a long road. Don’t give gifts or spend money if you expect strings attached. It starts to become controlling. ‘Oh you accepted that money but you’re annoyed at her’ well yes maybe they needed the money and love her deep down but just find her frustrating.