To think adult children are becoming more entitled?

I don’t know maybe an acknowledgement that growing up with a parent with severe anorexia and who constantly told me I wasn’t good/thin enough causing me to drop to five stone at 14 might be a good start. Or maybe when she didn’t call the police when I was sexually assaulted and instead asked why I’d gotten a taxi, or maybe it was when she refused to acknowledge when I qualified as a lawyer instead wishing to celebrate the end of the summer with my brother. Or maybe when she constantly tells me how much better he is at absolutely everything even though I fled an abusive relationship and had to start my life again two times whilst being stalked and receiving death threats. Instead she just insists none of this really happened and it’s just my spin and I turned out ok. Yes I’m ok now but I wouldn’t give her any credit. So no I won’t be told to just get over it when I didn’t choose to be born but was made to feel everyday I should just be grateful I’m along for the ride.

Parents need to stop treating their adult children - who still live at home - as children. Because they're not children anymore, even though they are YOUR children, they are still adults who are more than capable of doing things for themselves, so they should be:

Paying board
Doing their own washing and ironing
Doing their share of household chores (ie not just cleaning their own room but the rest of the house too, and cooking for everyone on certain days of the week).
Paying for their own expenses such as council tax, car tax, insurance etc, phone bills, their share of the internet and gas/electric etc.

A parents main role is to take an unformed lump of clay - a baby, and moulding them into a fully-rounded, functional, productive adult. Many parents are failing in this regard, and failing miserably in some cases.

What is it you want from your mum though? It seems very precise and yet nebulous at the same time.

Unless there are serious issues you need to understand or prevent having an impact on your own children, why do you need to take her though how X made you feel in 1996, which she may not really remember and you may or may not remember accurately with full context? Do you want her to feel bad about something she can’t change? Does she deserve to feel bad?

I’m 55 and luckily I seem to have escaped this critical scrutiny despite making errors I recall and doubtless errors I don’t recall, but I’ve no doubt that if DD wanted to and was encouraged she, like all of us, could go off on this track. I have a friend who is unhappy with where she is in life and I do sympathise but it’s really tricky when she starts nitpicking at something her 78 year old carer mum has said and how it made her feel and it really is something very innocuous or at worst the kind of slightly annoying thoughtless comment that families come out with all the time.

Excluding Covid generations (by which I mean those who were of an age when they were fundamentally developing in that period and scarred by it), in general terms if you molly coddle people as they develop and tell them constantly they are special (when they are not), exceptional (when they are average), remove all competition (because they must not be harmed by losing), spoon feed them entertainment (removing any capacity for imagination to develop and self resiliance) and raise them to believe any criticism is abusive (when it might be perfectly fair), it is totally unsuprising you end up with a pack of fairly unpleasant, entitled, emotionally stunted adults who fall apart with anxiety when they have to face up to the reality of a cold harsh world that doesn't owe you a living.

It's going to take two or three generations to shake this out I think. People like that will transfer this anxiety to their children but probably be less molly coddling because they can't do it. The one after that will probably back lash so it will be the kids of the kids of these kids that start to swing back to more resiliant normality.

@crazycrofter I agree that it’s important to let older teens and young adults “adult” by expecting them to take responsibility for various aspects of their lives. We’re always here for advice if they need it, but managing money, paying bills, getting something repaired if it breaks, etc. are important life skills!

I don’t really recognise these attitudes in my kids. They always say thank you for meals I make, and make their own if they don’t like them! We were at a friend’s recently and their 19 year old was moaning about the tea options on offer - when we left, my 19 year old said he was shocked. ‘’ If you’re over 18 you should just be really grateful someone is willing to make you meals, as you’re not entitled to it’’ were his words!

I think it probably makes a difference that I’ve always worked quite a stressful job, so they’ve been aware I’m not just there to serve them. They’ve also worked since 16, bought their own cars and taken responsibility for budgeting at uni, so that probably helps the transition to adulthood.

Regarding the post you were replying to here, I do agree, but I do think "outside influences" come into play here, when DC go to Uni/meet partners/people they work with for example. My other DC are resilient and make time for others. They also deal with everyday life problems without the complete meltdowns. And they were bought up exactly the same way as my eldest

I’m glad to say that my children (20 and 17) seem to be fairly resilient and kind people so far. DD (20) is diagnosed with anxiety, takes medication and has regular counselling. Her attitude is that this support helps her to live her life to the full and if someone met her, they’d have no idea the she was managing this condition, she’s outgoing and confident!
That’s a type of resilience, thank goodness,

@Lamentingalways Yes, I’m also trying show my two that it’s important to be kind to their grandparents. They seem to understand this.

All three of mine had weekend and holiday jobs from the age of 16. They worked part time through university.

We're lucky here being in a tourist area as well as a farming area. Young people can get work.

I don't know what they spent the money on besides holiday, entertainment and clothes but they learnt to budget.

Yes, same here. Was the same in the 80s too, and long before, from what I’ve heard from older friends and relatives.

Oh FFS! you are making the OPs point

Our 22 year old is the same, generous to a fault.

Good point.

Actually, I've just remembered - my late husband went to uni as a mature student in the late 60s and early 70s and he was studying whilst working.

Myself and my friends regularly did that in our 20s and that was in the 1990s. That's nothing new. Even before that I worked full time and did A levels at evening classes

I wasn't saying that people have been shafted by their parents as such, but by previous generations in general. And yes, it is usually politicians who make decisions but ordinary people vote in those politicians, so to some extent, we are all collectively responsible for the society that we have created.

I remember, decades ago, watching an episode of the Oprah Winfrey show. She was having frank conversations with children about what annoyed them about their parents, and a biggie was, "don't spoil me and then complain I am spoiled."

This isn't specific to OP, but it does rather fascinate me that we complain about our children as though this is some genetic abnormality.

Looking at some of the posts on here, it seems we blame the young people themselves for the 'everyone gets a trophy/gentle parenting mentality', whilst absolving ourselves of any responsibility because 'we didn't grow up like that'.

Clearly, a significant and influential proportion of us boomers/genXers thought our childhoods weren't so brilliant, that actually competitive schooling maybe wasn't the best approach.

Our generation(s) did what other generations before us did. We tried to make things better for our kids. Then we call them 'entitled' when our methods don't quite work the way we thought they would. I'm not just talking about individual parents, here, before people leap in with 'I didn't do blah-de-blah'.

The 25's and unders are not responsible for the education system they were put through. They did not invent the technology we berate them for using. In short, they did not make the world they were children in, the world that influences them beyond whatever their parents do or say.

The problem isn't boomers and my generation (X) having it 'easier'. The problem is that boomers and gen X, like every generation, wanted it to be 'better' for their kids, but had an unprecedented level of ability to make those changes, because it was also making things 'better' for us. Plastics, the throwaway society, UPFs, all things WE developed to make OUR lives easier.

The fact that we have the temerity to look at the products of the society we collectively are responsible for creating and criticise THEM for it is more than a little...harsh.

Yes, agreed. My DD recently had to deal with something fairly minimal, just an everyday occurence for millions of people (think along the lines of broken fridge for example) - and she completely fell apart. Completely. Emailed said organisation and said how her anxiety was through the roof because of this, and how stressed she was - they ended up giving her £200 compensation. I mean, what hope have they got if everyone carries on enabling them

I also know ppl IRL in this situation; late teens/early twenties completely withdrawing from the world, supported by parents (and benefits in some cases) because they can. It’s beyond sad, and absolutely shocking. Whatever the reasons - there are several, and lockdown certainly didn’t help - this would never have occurred on such a scale in previous generations. Shame, embarrassment, the need to get up and do something, less accessible benefits, zest for life, hope for the future; there were many reasons for young people to try and forge a life back in the day. These things all seem less relevant to some youngsters now.

@Bluffinwithmymuffin What concerns me are the longterm prospects for the under-25’s who seem really unable to cope. I mean the stories of ppl staying their rooms, refusing to go to school/college/work. We Gen X’ers aren’t going to be around forever to prop them up so what will happen to them?

I do know a couple of ppl IRL who are in this situation while their 50-something parents work incredibly hard to keep everything going- their parents may end up having breakdowns themselves due to the stress.

Perhaps this also happened in previous generations, but without SM, we were far less aware of it. We’d only know if someone we knew personally was really struggling.