Husband always moaning when I go to work

He's a lazy bastard

How long are you going to put up with this?

I would last a day I reckon.

Yes I would start working full time if I were you, for so many different reasons.

That’s an awful thing to say. Women absolutely should get counselling if they struggle with being lonely and stuck at home with the children. In the past those women sought refuge in Valium and the bottle. And in this day and age most women who stay at home have chosen to do so.

It sounds like he’s depressed. Don’t blame him. But he’s taking it out on the wrong person.

Does he moan when your paycheck comes in? I suspect not. I have some sympathy in that not working can feel frustrating but then he needs to take active steps to have purpose in life. Sitting back and letting his wife do everything is not on and won’t work for either of you in the long term. I dont know the detail about his health but unless there is a practical reason why he can’t do things at home he needs to crack on. If he’s bored/ low he needs to identify some aims/goals eg could he do an online course to learn something new? Take up a hobby? All this of course depends on the health issue but just some thoughts. Best wishes

Poor sod. I'm not sure how I'd cope with such a diagnosis.

Edited to say: I'm sorry you're in this situation

Kick the prick out. Jesus. Have some self respect.

I’ve told him not to bother with chores but that’s another thing. He will moan that by the time I’ve got home he’s had to do this and that.

He absolutely should do his fair share of the housework.

Don’t sleepwalk into a situation where he stays home all day doing nothing whilst you do everything.

Your DH sounds like he's being a big baby. However, if he used to enjoy his work, then I can see that having the weekdays off with the kids at school and you at work may not be as blissful as it sounds. He may feel bored and frustrated. And then you're at work at the weekend too.

I don't think you should get a different job if it means less money or you don't enjoy it as much. But if you could find a job that is just as good but means you could all spend weekends together, maybe that would be nicer for all of you? Maybe he could do more of the school runs so you could work longer hours in the week. It really depends on how difficult it would be for you to find another job with different hours, or if weekend work is typical in your line of work. I guess there's no harm in looking around to see what's available?

I agree with @LaneCaneCandy that you need to be honest with him about how awful it is for you to listen to him moaning all the time. If you agree to look for a new job he needs to stop moaning.

Totally depends on what his health issues are? Does he have a debilitating chronic illness or cancer, does he a degenerative disease like MS or MND?

Without us knowing this I don't think it is fair to pass judgment on him / the situation.

He needs to do as much as he can and to be honest accept that this might be his life going forward. I retired on ill health grounds, I was early 30s already had children and became a sahm. I did what I could in the day, rested when needed and it is awful to go from having earned your own money from early teens to being reliant on someone else bringing home all the money. So there is a massive mental shift.

I just got into the mindset that this is my job, the house, the children, school runs, playground smalltalk.

However, what Dh and I both acknowledged was that looking forward to seeing each other after a day at work only for one person to be completely fucking miserable all the time would not be fun. We made a conscious effort not to vent all the time even though we both had really hard days at times.

I would tell him how much you look forward to coming home and it would be better if he didn't meet you with complaint after complaint.

I agree.
I was ready to say he’s BVU but actually I can see it from his POV.

He is struggling and unfortunately you’re the one taking the blame.

He’s not only lost his career and his identity, probably worrying about money if he was the main earner but also he’s got a health issue that will not improve and he knows it - it must be the scariest thing in the world.

I would definitely try and get him some counselling but I’d also suggest he looks into starting a business from home - something to give him purpose.

How come you only work PT?
Will you need to look for FT or will you be his carer?

What does this man add to your life?

He wants you to work around school hours so you can do your job and sort the kids out and do chores while he's not working! Do you really need to ask? He's a loser and he's not contributing.

He’s lost a massive part of his identity and sounds like he is trying to adjust to his new role and struggling.

I would have a conversation about it, both your concerns, abilities and expectations. He might benefit from counselling. Is he claiming all the benefits he is entitled to?

Women don’t get to swan off to counselling when they’ve had a baby, had to give up a career and are feeling lonely. Why is it that men should need a counsellor to re-affirm their ‘woe-is-me’ status? If he went to counselling, all that would happen is his sense of entitlement will grow even more. If anything, he needs a life-coach.

If he’s safe and able to look after children / prepare meals etc is there really NO job he could manage?

So he can’t work for what ever reason

doesn’t like you working

how do you survive on a part time wage

you prob need to increase hours

but equally he doesn’t want to look after own kids or do anything housework

what does he do ?

assuming you must love him lots as tbh I can’t work out why you are with him

I think it would help us if we knew the nature of his ill-health. Are we talking serious cancer diagnosis, or a ‘bad back’.

Regardless of his physical health, the best thing for his mental health is having a sense of purpose and feeling useful. Therefore, the assumption that he’s owed a carefree existence due to his health status, almost like a permanent holiday from worries and responsibilities, is the wrong one.

you can’t be expected to suddenly take on all the child-rearing (which is what he wants), cleaning and being the breadwinner to facilitate his perma-patient status. You’re his partner, not his servant.

Even if you did change jobs, there’ll be something else. I’ve seen threads like this before. It ends up with the carer having no friends or outside life, their entire existence subsumed into a caring role and any change is met with ‘Well how will I cope? I might as well end it all’. Yup, people really do that.

If he's always worked your DH having a hard time adjusting to having to give up, he's lost a big part of his life and resents becoming a SAHD. If you could get him to go to councilling it might help him to move forward and stop taking it out on you

How unwell is he? You would think he would be pleased you are bringing in money.

Is he unable to get any job? Even one working from home? Or something part time?
If you are the only one working, he needs to fit around you. What is he bringing to the party, apart from moaning?

Why isn't he doing all drop offs and pick ups, assuming his health allows?

Why isn't he doing more at home?

You say he mostly does as he pleases, so is he doing things that are similarly challenging to cooking, laundry, school runs, money management etc? ie if he's capable of doing his own fun stuff he should also be capable of putting a wash on or cooking dinner?

If there was a health reason why looking after the children was very difficult for him, that would be something to consider. The tone of your post is that he can but doesn't want to - in which case YANBU, you need to work and he needs to step up.

It sounds like he's taking his life frustrations out on you, as he can't moan at his body but he can moan at you. That's probably something you need to talk to him about, it's not ok to put that on you.

That's not the same thing though as presumably you're not medically unable to work.

OP whether your h is being unreasonable really depends on what his illness is and what he is physically and mentally capable of