Husband always moaning when I go to work

Tell him to face up to reality, and either pull his finger out or feck off.

Th health reasons:

Is he in excruciating pain?

Is he unable to move, walk, carry things?

Does he suffer crippling depression?

If any of these are so, is he taking responsibility for seeking, getting and using available help to manage his condition?

Or are you expected to accept he won't? And therefore do everything he can't?

No. A kick up the backside, not a life coach which will cost money the household very probably needs. Being a sahp is a job and he needs to contribute something to the family without behaving like an entitled snowflake.

Why can’t he work, what are his health reasons? Is there nothing he can do? Also why are you working part time and not full time? It must be very difficult financially, is that the cause is some of his moaning?

It's heartening that some in here can at least appreciate the nuance that having any sort of long term health condition is bound to lower the DHs mood significantly and make them feel trapped in the home and therefore frustrated. These things are all related, and it's all too easy to dismiss him as lazy and useless,

It must have been putting such a strain on your relationship, @LucieNoel and here's hoping your DHs condition can be treated to increase his quality of life and then his mood will also lift. At the moment it must feel like bad news all round.

ETA the OP has not revealed whether his condition is cancer or a condition that deteriorates over a long period like Md, MND, or Parkinsons. So all you lot saying he's just a lazy fucker need to consider how you sound!

He sounds like an arse. Why shouldn't he do chores if medically able to?

Then he has a new job... which involves housekeeping and looking after his own children.

why does he find the school run difficult?

Why, if she doesn't have to?

I agree that he's probably depressed and lonely, and is using you as a punch bag, which is totally unfair. Maybe you can try to reframe the situation for him: *You're clearly not happy, I hate seeing you like this, what can we do to change it?"

Sympathy and support will probably get you better results than criticism - although you'll have to have the patience of a saint, and then some!

Tell him to shut up or get off his own fat arse and get a job. What are these “health reasons” and are they a genuine impediment to work, or is he just bone idle?

Brilliant analysis, thoughts and insights. Well done! The OP will learn so much from your approach.

SAHM's generally (with some exceptions) choose to be a SAHM which is a very different situation to watching your health decline to the point you can't work any more and becoming a SAHP through default.

I'd be depressed too.

Is he unlikely to improve because he can't or unlikely to improve because he won't do the work needed to improve?

Not intending to offend but
I am struggling to think of a medical condition which would mean he can look after 2 children but not work at all. Is it that he can no longer do his previous job - in which case can he look for other part time work? If he really isn’t able to work?
if it is that he can’t continue previous job and doesn’t want to do other work then he needs to support you working (and earning money) by taking on more childcare and tasks in the home.

Best of luck trying to find a job that fits his needs, most people I know that are out of work have been trying to get a job for up to 10 months. Tell your DH you will consider going for a job if he looks for one for you. Once he sees how little jobs there are, he may give up on that idea.

Do the health reasons that mean he cannot work also make it difficult for him to do chores and childcare? Sounds very unreasonable of him to expect you to be the only one working but also do everything else.

To be honest if he doesn't work you should be working full time

What - like millions of sahm’s do you mean? Who do all the housework, and all the childcare too, and make sure their husbands dinner is on the table when he comes in from brining in the only income?

Well it depends on the “health reasons”

I would expect that someone who could look after children for a day could probably be doing some kind of paid work too

so either YABU and he is too ill for that and that’s making him grumpy

or he IBU as he should be looking for work himself

So he's unable to work in the work he used to do- does he have transferrable skills? I know one man who broke his back at a construction site. He still works for the same company but with different missions; surveillance of work in progress, admin etc.

Could he atleast get a pt job in another field @LucieNoel ? Because he seems to be depressed due to the fact that he can't work so that should be a priority. If he gets a ft position then you could change to work around school hours but as for now he has to contribute with what he can.

I am a "forced" sahm. I wanted to be a sahm until my dc started school but since one is autistic and dh travels irregularly it won't work if I'm not on stand by for dc1 who often needs to be picked up from school where his hours are irregular anyway. So someone needs to be on standby. I do all housework, cooking etc and I got time in the day to go to the gym most days so I'm not unhappy. I could spend my time moaning about the cards being dealt ; dc autistic and the nature of dh's work making me housebound but I prefer to look at it from the bright side; I get lots of time for me. Even when doing house chores I can listen to pods, read alot, work out, learning Italian, am there for my 2 dc and can really help dc2 w homework and spend quality time w him (dc1 grumpy teen who just wants me to cater to his needs then be left alone).

You are not being unreasonable expecting your dh to step up!

Politely, he can fuck off.

What are his health reasons for not working? Without this information we can't really comment on whether it is reasonable for him to do all the childcare or not

This all depends on what health condition he has.
you’ve said he can’t work at all ever again, but he does kids drop offs and parenting? So why can’t he be a childminder?
and that he can do as he pleases all day long?
the two of you seem to think that work is optional.
either you love this man so much that you’re willing to be his carer and do everything following some new health condition, OR he’s not unwell at all and brings absolutely no value to your life so it’s unclear why you’re still with him.

I agree women should get have access to counselling too. But it's not so easy or free. Woman mostly just buckle up and get on with life. As this person should be doing (health permitting).

Whrn I was a child, almost 60 years ago now, my best friend's dad had severe rheumatoid arthritis. With none of the modern treatments, he had severely reduced mobility, weak twisted hands, and was in constant pain. Her mum worked full-time. This lovely man, with all his problems, did as much housework, laundry etc as he could possibly do, and a lot of the cooking. Your moaning husband has no excuse.