Husband always moaning when I go to work

The big difference @Itsaknockout235 is that the woman in most cases has actively wanted the baby and wouldn't want to go straight back to work, if the baby was unwanted and they were forced to keep it then yes, they would be unhappy. If @LucieNoel is getting constant moaning from her DH then maybe life coaching would help, either way it might make them both happier.

He sounds useless. Completely lazy.

If he's gone from working ft to not at all he is probably resentful of not being at work. However he's taking the frustration out in the wrong way. I wonder if some counselling might help.

For context my DH is FT, I am PT but with a long term health condition. He does all the school drop offs each week and one pick up because he wants to spend time with his children. I am able to do them all but he wants to share the load.

Your DH is a prick!!

Tell him it's really draining to continuously have him moaning when you get back from work.

What he's effectively asking by wanting you to change your hours, is to do so the kid's stuff and the paid work.

I'd ask if he's considered the impact on you, if you changed your hours and did everything he's asking. I'd also suggest to him, that perhaps talking to a therapist to figure out what's underneath all this for him...as it could be resentment that you get out of the house or feeling bad that he's able to provide for his family.

He can Google low cost counselling in your area.

What exactly would he do in that case? Is it his health that makes it difficult to take care of the kids?

‘I don’t need a part time job that fits around school hours because there is a parent at home all day everyday, who else is going to earn a wage?’

Does he think he should be doing SFA all day everyday?

I have a chronic autoimmune disease with resulting pain and fatigue.
I’m also a lone parent to a ND child and work full time.
As others have said OP, the nature of your husband’s illness/disease would give us a better understanding of your situation.

can he do part time remote work?

if he doesn't do any household stuff he can't be lounging around most of the day and still complain about you working and wanting you to do more?

Present it to him as question -

why do you want me to do this, what will you be doing to counter these changes?

what do you think is a fair division of tasks for our family?

or write down all the tasks and get him to pick the 50% he thinks he should do and then stick to it.

I understand his frustration at not being able to work but this is the life he is leading now and while the contribution he is making to your household isn't the one he planned - it's the one he has to make.

I would personally find it very difficult to live with someone who is effectively behaving like another child, refusing to take responsibility and not pulling his weight. He should be doing as many chores as he can while you're at work, and they're his kids - he can do school runs and a day of entertaining them at the weekend.

It can be hard - for men AND women - when your role changes from professional to parenting/domestic. I get it. But he needs to suck it up and start making a valuable contribution to the house. Could he be depressed?

So he’s not working and doesn’t want to do chores or childcare either.
Well he’s a catch isn’t he? You must be thanking your lucky stars (not)

So why does he view looking after his children and doing household chores as not working, not contributing to the household

Does he only see paid work as meaningful and household and children wifey work

I think he needs to change his mysogynistic attitude

Maybe agree that an alternative solution needs to be thought of as he is clearly finding it too difficult to cope with the little he does do with out complaints

Maybe you need to up your hours to pay for someone to do what he can’t do

Even living on his own he would still have to do certain things like cooking, cleaning, laundry and shopping and as those are the things he finds hard may be you both need to look for an assisted living facility for him as quite clearly he wouldn’t be able to cope on his own

If he objects I would turn the table.

If he objects and can do all that without the constant complaints then why doesn’t he?

If he doesn’t like the fact he sees you go to work then that is also easily fixed. He can move out.

This is the type of thing some of my very happy single parent friends split from their exh’s
Exh wanted them to restrict their lives to do all the household chores, look after dc and bring money in going to work.
If they were going to do all that then what was the point of exh. What exactly was he bringing to the table

This is terrible of him. And if you want to work full time 9-5 and on weekends as the breadwinner of the household you should! He should be greatful to have a wife that wants to work too! My DH works full time and i work very part time, 1-2 days per week..when im not working, i take care of all school stuff, cooking and cleaning and DC so DH can focus on his full time job. It shouldn't be any different for your DH as the SAHP just because he's a man. Im so sorry youre having to cope with his attitude.

I don't buy that. If he is able to do drop off and pick up, he is able to work. Even part time at least.

Many SAHMs also choose to be a SAHM and enjoy it which isn't a fair comparison. I also see more threads about that.

Even if some SAHMs struggle because they've lost a part of themselves, they have usually made the choice in the first place and usually think it's a good choice or they wouldn't have made it in the first place. Again, not really a fair comparison.

He’s got a lot of cheek to moan about you working, particularly if it’s not full time.

That’s what he needs help with - support to adjust to his new way of being.

@LucieNoel this sounds similar to my situation in some ways. I work part time & that includes every other Saturday, 9-5. Although this year I have had 5 Saturdays as annual leave so actually only worked 21/52.

DH works full time. Mostly weekdays 9-5, but he is in event planning so it often includes some time at weekends & evenings.

I do most childcare & school/activity runs for our 3 Dses (nearly 17, 14 with SEN & 11). There are 2 activities between them most nights & weekend days. DH does 1 school drop off & 1 pick up per week. Most weekends he will do 1 football run, often 30-60 mins away. I take DS1 & 3 to football training at 8.30 every Saturday, whether I am working or not. I take DH tea in bed then he gets up with DS2 (can't be left alone due to seizures). I also cook dinner once home on Saturdays (usually quick oven food 🙈) & do all housework, shopping etc as well as homework.

DH absolutely hates the Saturdays I work & wants me to change jobs or ask my manager if I can not work Saturdays - which isn't possible. But I don't think he does himself any favours as quite often they do 'not much' in his words, which means lots of screen time, watching TV & not going anywhere apart from football training & taking DS1 to his match. Then the smaller 2 get bored & play up. But I do get that he wants a rest after a full week at work.

Your DP sounds like he is struggling too, but you shouldn't have to change jobs. I don't know what the answer is but sending solidarity.

I agree, it’s hard to comment without knowing the reason why the OP’s DH can’t work? Is it that he can’t do the job he was doing before or that he can’t do any job?

Either way, he shouldn’t be taking it out on the OP. I’ve been unable to work for some years for health reasons (plus having a DD (now 16) with additional needs), and yes I have MH issues but I’ve gone for help rather than just taking it out on my DH. It’s no excuse for the way he’s treating his DW.

having a baby is a choice, giving up work full time to be a sahp is often a choice, or at least one tied in with choosing to have a baby. being medically retired from work when youve always worked is not a choice, and can massively impact someone's self worth and role
he needs to stop whining and they need to make this work, but it isn't impossible that the situation is affecting his mental health

There seems to be a distinct lack of compassion in some of the responses. What he is saying is unfair on you and the expectation is unreasonable but I think it's one for those cases where rather than focusing on the words you need to focus on what the words are trying to communicate. What I take from his comments is less that he wants you to change roles and more that he is struggling with his new role. I think I would focus on exploring what it is he wants support with and what can be done so that you can all get time and space to be rounded people and in this I would include time away from children for you too.

I became an unplanned stay at home parent in Feb when I was made redundant whilst pregnant. I'm also disabled so along with the pregnancy/maternity leave it's been hard to see what the future will hold for me work and career wise.

It was a quick change for me, literally 3 weeks after the announcement of redundancy I had had my last day. I found out I was pregnant the same day and plunged from working nearly full time to at home all day every day. I had a month or two of trying to find a suitable role and then settled into this unexpected role of SAHP/ housewife. I then got very ill in the third trimester of pregnancy and I was hospitalised several times, and was seen as an OP twice a week. I was unable to drive or look after my eldest. My partner found himself working full time, doing all the housework, childcare for our eldest and caring for me. Both of our parents were brought in to help but my partner still took the brunt of most of it.

It's taken time to recover since birth and since then my health relating to my disability has declined. So whilst I can do more than I could at the end of pregnancy I'm still reliant on my partner and our parents for support, it is a hard adjustment as for the last 3-4 years my disability has been stable and I've been able to function on a semi normal level. My sense of self is in flux at the moment so now having to find a new identity.

Things that have helped me over the last 10 months are doing the school run and rather than dashing back home again spending a few minutes talking to the other parents and where possible walking home with them. This 5-20 minutes of conversation twice a day has been an absolute lifeline. There's a few of us that have disabilities and additional needs and whilst our experiences are different there is understanding about how life can be different or difficult. Once or twice a month we do have a coffee together to have an hour or so of "child free conversation" which is well needed. When the weather is dry we do trips to the park once or twice a week and play dates after school. This has meant that in less than a year these people have gone from practical strangers to a support network. I feel I could call on any of them for emergency childcare and would be happy to do the same for them if able to do so on the day.
I'm in a walking group for others with my disability and that helps too.
I'm learning French through Duolingo, I try to do as much house work as I can. It is varied but I try to do enough so that come the weekend my partner only needs to do the cleaning as I've been able to keep on top of the tidying.

One thing we are both lacking at the moment is time away from the children. The best we are managing currently is a 30-60 minute bath each once a week. I used to do an online pilates class one evening a week. It was only 45 minutes but it was carved out regular time just for me. The thing I'm missing most from working is my weekly trip into the office. I'd commute by train and that 40 minutes each way was my opportunity to sit and read guilt free.

From my mind these are the things you might want to explore together

1. Connections with others most days for your partner, even if it's just a short chat to help with feeling isolated in his new life.
2. What chores around the house can he manage to do that makes the biggest impact to you so that when you aren't in work you have more quality time as a family
3. Find something he can do weekly that gives him time to be him and /or fulfill a purpose
4. Find a time for you to have some non-mum/wife time, even if it's just an hour or so a week.
5. Talk about how you both feel about the new dynamic to your relationship, what is working what isn't and what other changes there might be that don't involve you switching to a school hours based role.

Ahh I see so he should sit around and contribute nothing whilst you do ALL the childcare and be the only working adult in the house.

id remind him that if that was to happen and you got a job round school hours he’d be surplus to requirements and can find somewhere else to live.

(and sorry about his ill health but seriously??)

Have you actually spent time working out who does what and why and how much free time you both get? If you haven’t spent the time working out what you can both manage and how you can both recharge and try and stay happy then YABU.

You’re making out like he’s lazy but he’s actually unfit for work so this is a complex situation that needs planning and re-planning and checking in with each other regularly.

What was he doing with the children before having to give up work? Or did all childcare and household chores fall on you?

Your question is impossible to answer without knowing why a man who can get his children to and from school and do housework if he chooses can't go to work.

I am baffled why you are doing any housework at all.