Husband always moaning when I go to work

So what does he think should happen? You should work AND do chores AND do childcare while he does….nothing? Wtaf?

It depends on the health issue your husband is experiencing. If his health issue is making hard for him to look after the children, then yes, you are being unreasonable.

If his health issue is small enough that he can look after the kids once and a while without difficulty, then you are not being unreasonable and it might be best to consider whether you want to continue being in a partnership with someone who expects you to carry the load yourself.

It really depends on the health issue and to what degree it's limiting his abilities.

Surely you need a full time job, @LucieNoel?

My exH was medically retired before DD1 & DD2 were born. He did nothing! I was a SAHM after DD2 as he told me that if I wanted to return to work I needed to hire and pay for a full time Nanny. His illness didn’t stop him going to the gym, out for coffees, meeting friends etc just doing any housework, childcare, mental load stuff…as he said - if he was at work I’d be doing it all anyway. Just some of the reasons there’s an ‘ex’ before H.

Hello @LucieNoel
I feel your pain.

My DH has long-term health issues.
He does want to work (financially anyway) but I'm not sure he could hold down much work realistically as his tolerance levels are really low now, maybe the pain, maybe ?

He struggles with 'executive functions' so planning, decision making etc, again maybe the illness, maybe MH, maybe?

He does maybe 15% childcare, basically 2 pick ups a week, possibly 10% shopping, with a list provided, zero daily housework, cooking, cleanin, laundry etc, except rarely to bring washing in if raining. He does do some housework maintenance, DIY, type stuff, but it can take it out of him completely so he struggles with anything else.

I work almost full-time. I end up having to work my day off to make up hours BC I'm struggling with getting house jobs done on a daily basis as he done with childcare by the time I get in.

I love him and am concerned for his health and I can stand all of the above, but omg when he blames me BC we can't move forward with plans BC I haven't done something, like tidied toys or sorted laundry, cleaned the car. I looked at him yesterday while he was having a stress rant and thought how much easier it would be if he wasn't here. As to him resenting me making up my work time in my time off, ick, total passion killer.

It's killing our relationships, I wish the DH could see this.

Then he needs to adjust his outlook. Moaning at you isn't going to change anything, it's just going to chip away at your respect for him, until you just full-out resent him and his whiny behaviour.

He needs to say to himself - this is my life now, and it's good. I get to spend time with my children, I get to watch them grow, I get to guide them into adulthood. I matter to my children.

That way, he will feel happier/fulfilled and you will be happier too. Win-win. The glass is half-full.

OMG. The bigger question is how can we prevent these men who are not pulling their weight in childcare/ housework from wasting and ruining our lives. Has a solution been found to this?

I know people who manage to take their kids to school and back that can't work. One has MS and and another has an autoimmune condition. I'm currently unfit for work but can manage to get my daughter to and from school most of the week, I have help on days she has activities after as I can't manage that. There's other small things I can do but can't manage work because there is a cost to doing them. You might see me in Tesco to get a pint of milk and something for dinner. You don't see the half hour of rest I needed before that to have the energy to leave the house or the hour I spend in bed afterwards.

How disability impacts a person is hugely varied, one of the biggest problem many of us have is being able to do something reliably. When stable I can work close to full time as long as I can balance the rest of life but when unwell on a good week I might manage 1-2 days a week of low intensity work and on a bad week then only thing I can manage is getting my daughter dressed and out of the house to go to school. If I'm having 1 good week for every 3 bad weeks I'm going to really struggle to hold down a job.

One thing that is also causing massive problems currently in the employability of people with disabilities is the huge backlog in accessing support for reasonable adjustments in the workplace. The government Access to Work scheme has lengthy delays which puts a huge barrier in people getting new jobs as there is a long delay in the DWP assessment and provision of funds and equipment to allow people to do the job they are capable mitigating their disabilities - for example computer software for those that have sight loss. You try telling an employer that yes you would love the job but it will be 2-4+ months before you are able to do so.

Sounds tough OP. Are his health issues getting in the way? Ie is it making it harder for him to look after the children which causes his moans?

Does he find difficult due to his medical issues?

Can you imagine if we all went crying off to counselling?

Like very many myself and most of my friends had to give up work when we had Number number two, It wasn’t viable for us to work and obviously it was out of the question that the big men’s job wouldn’t be affected

You are not being unreasonable. It sounds like you are trying to make the best of a difficult situation and he is doing his best to make it intolerable to you.

I’d tell him this situation is not sustainable for you long-term and give him a deadline to find a solution. If he doesn't, i do think you need to move on as you deserve to be happy. He might be unable to work but he is not a child and it is not solely your responsibility to make this work.

What’s he doing with his time? Not being able to work doesn’t mean he gets to be a lazy twat for the rest of his years.

What condition does he have?

Oh good, can you share what the OP’s DH’s health condition is that’s led him to stop working? You seem to have inside information so do share it with us all.

There is a job for that. They’re called child minders.

Only if the job is taking people to school and back.

Im not sure what relevance one person being blind or another having no legs is to a person with a totally different condition not being fit to work. Being blind isn't ill.

If he can take kids to school and pick them up, he can work.

I know completely blind people that work full time. People with no arms and/or legs that work. They put OP's husband to shame.

It’s stopping him from working, potentially forever. How trivial can that be?

Many more than there are men. Is that relevant?

Fair point, but I think people might be a bit more sympathetic if they knew his condition, or not if it’s relatively trivial. At present they’re just going from the crumbs provided by the OP.

That’s an incredibly negative take on counselling.

Are millions of SAHMs suffering from severe health conditions and unable to work?

Nonsense. Statistics shows that more women than men access counselling. According to NHS data, only 36% of referrals to NHS talking therapies are for men. Not saying that men just buckle up and get on with life but please don't spout rubbish which hard data directly contradicts

this.

What exactly does he think his role should be? It sounds a bit as if he thinks you should do everything.