To be annoyed with DD21

She’s 21 years old - leave her alone and stop treating her like a child.

Aw op, I’ve been there. My dd would be out until all hours and I would be awake all night checking to tracking every hour and freaking out if it didn’t update etc. I’d always imagine the worst. I know people say it’s controlling and she’s a grown adult but when you love them and are aware of how young and naive they can be, you can’t just switch off. It would be like telling someone to stop breathing.

I came to just treat it as a way of life. If she said she was out clubbing on a Friday I’d think ‘well that’s me up all night’. My issue. Not hers. I’d never hold her back from enjoying her life but I’d always just fret until she was home safe. At least she trusted me enough with allowing tracking. And it’s never come between us - we are still close. Because she absolutely knows I love her and her safety is my concern - not curtailing her freedom.

Christ I'm glad that my parents weren't able to track me at 21, I was up to all sorts!

And I turned out fine. I'm now a boring 51 year old who goes to bed early.

Yeah. This.

Maybe a 'sorry if it annoyed you, but I was worried about you'

But no need to go over the top apologising. She could have removed your ability to track her if she'd wanted to, but hasn't.

I'm glad she contacted you this morning to say she is fine xx. You don't stop worrying when they turn 18.

having said that, at 19i was travelling around Europe. By car, with a friend for a few months & sending the very occasional postcard 😳

I don't think you need to remove the tracking app, they can be very useful in an emergency, but you need to retrain yourself not to keep looking at it otherwise.

I think this is one of those cases where an apology is only meaningful if it is accompanied by change. So in this case no more tracking and no more pestering when she is out.

I’d tell her that you think that you went too far last night, pestering her when she should be having a good time with her friends and when she was trying to sleep. That you trust her to make good decisions and so don’t think you need to track her - that it is a hangover from when she was little but that is now unnecessary. And that you are going to delete the app, and relax a bit.

Give yourself a break. I think any mum who had a 21 year old daughter asleep in a strange car park would worry.
Yes, I know she’s an adult but that doesn’t mean you give up being concerned.

Shes 21, an adult.

If you suffocate her like this she will pull away.

We all did silly things like this at this age, and she needs privacy. Imagine if your mum had been up all night watching your location and messaging you constantly! It would have sent me loopy

You’re tracking her phone not her. Her phone could be in the car and she might be somewhere else. You need to stop tracking her and chill out. Tracking her phone and needing to know where she is doesn’t actually keep her safe

"Yes she has consented we all follow each other and have done for a decade. She could turn it off if she wanted to. She’s not forced to be on the app and could take me off it"

Oh, OK, that's more reasurring...( Sorry, not for your situation, OP). I understand now. With so many people tracking each other, I thought it was something the 'trackee' had no control over.
My DC are all in their 20s. It's never crossed my mind to track them. I'd say, for me, and them, its not a very healthy thing to do with adult, generally sensible adult children, ( though, I do note, OP, that you worry about your DD21 being vulnerable.)

She’s an adult you have to trust her to make her own decisions. And remember how you would feel in her situation is not necessarily how she feels. At her age I absolutely could have felt fine on a few hours sleep. Now I’d be like the walking dead! It’s not fair on her for you to project your worries onto her. If you can’t sleep that’s for you to manage. You need to step back a bit and leave her to navigate herself

Give her some privacy!! Just because she’s doing her life different to how you would doesn’t give you the right to spy on her. Chatting, having sex, sleeping, dancing around an impromptu bonfire, staring in to space, all are valid behaviours because SHE IS AN ADULT!!

YABVU.

I have a DS 21 and DD 22. Neither living at home (one at Uni and the other just graduated and living in London). I have never had a tracker on either of their phones, I just don't understand why you need to be tracking her at 21. You have to stop with this micro managing her life and let her be an adult, all of your worrying and anxiety will only end up affecting your relationship with her.

I don't understand tracking. If you track someone, surely its with their consent, and can they turn it off on their phone?

I'd be worrying too (my dd is also 21) but unless you have reason to believe she's vulnerable mentally (eg poor mh or SEND) I'm afraid I think you need to turn off the tracking. It's not good for us to know everything they're up to, maternal anxiety is bad enough without that. She's prob talking to/hooking up with a guy but gently, let her get on with it and focus on your own emotions.

She's an adult. Stop tracking her. Delete the app right now.

My mother is controlling like you. I now keep her very much at arms length and only have superficial conversations with her.

Stop being such a controlling nosy parker. Can’t believe you’re nagging a 21-year old by text in the early hours of the morning.

Has she consented to being tracked?
It feels unhealthy and unhelpful to be monitoring her movements.

If you have genuine cause to worry then phone her.

Show her some respect and switch off the tracking
And go to bed and leave her alone

@Riverz you really do have to let her fly, she's 21