Page 3 | To be annoyed with DD21

Riverz · 2025-12-15T03:38:49+00:00

DD21 lives at home. She went out today to meet some friends. She works shifts and was out late Saturday night because of it, got up Sunday early and drove 60 miles down the motorway. So she’s had only a few hours sleep It’s 3.30am and she’s not home yet, still with her friends but not staying over with them she’s sitting in her car in a car park talking. I asked when she would be home and that it’s not safe to drive tired. she said she was fine she had drunk an energy drink! I think it’s irresponsible tbh and I know she’s 21 but I’ve had trouble getting to sleep over it from worry. She has a 1.5 hour drive home yet on no sleep? I checked she was safe she said she was. Just not tired and not coming home yet I once got caught out unexpectedly overwhelmingly tired driving and it was quite scary I had to pull over and sleep in the car (she isn’t doing that)

Original poster

Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:28

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 10:27

I don't want to start making up scenarios but maybe one of the friends was in A&E and they were waiting on them, she probably wouldn't want you knowing.

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DH said this as well. I suppose I won’t know!

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Original poster

Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:27

Yeah I mean she complains about our converted garage room being cold and that has a radiator in it.

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Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 10:27

Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:23

You know what, if it had been in a McD car park I prob wouldn’t have got as confused as I did. It’s a town she’s never been to and was next to a hospital!

I did go to bed, I woke up at 2am and she wasn’t home. Then I struggled to go back to sleep. I even tried listening to asmr stuff. I feel very grim today

I don't want to start making up scenarios but maybe one of the friends was in A&E and they were waiting on them, she probably wouldn't want you knowing.

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:27

Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:16

I’ve had therapy, usually day to day I am fine. This really triggered me and left me with a lot of things to work through. It’s not DD’s fault it triggered me and it’s for me to deal with not her. You also can’t always control what or when you get triggered it can happen.

It was out of character for her, with new friends I don’t know and yes I thought it was a weird thing to do as it’s really cold out and she usually likes her bed and being warm. She doesn’t do things like this. Not sure if it’s outing but the place she was located was basically next door to a hospital. So I woke up and realised she wasn’t home, checked my phone saw she was next to a hospital. She eventually replied said she was in a car park with friends (unrelated to the hospital). I was confused why other 21yo friends did not have anywhere ‘indoors’ to hang out mid December so why were they sitting in DD’s car for hours? She had a coat on but not dressed for sleeping in a car all night. She has money so could get a hotel

She is home now but I have not seen her as I’m at work. I was the one who ended up driving on no sleep.

My DH is very level headed and even he said he could see why I was confused by her weird decisions.. but that she was an adult to make her own decisions.

I’ve had therapy, usually day to day I am fine.

Kindly, I really don't think you are. In your earlier post you said you "often" track her to make sure she has driven safely to wherever she is going. That really isn't normal @Riverz .

I promise you would feel so much better and have far less anxiety if you just delete the bloody tracker and let her live her life. You can't monitor and control her actions through adulthood.

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 10:25

I don't think there is anything wrong in asking about these new friends get your husband to casually mention them, I might be car meet or something but I do think hanging about in cars all night is unusual.

Original poster

Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:23

You know what, if it had been in a McD car park I prob wouldn’t have got as confused as I did. It’s a town she’s never been to and was next to a hospital!

I did go to bed, I woke up at 2am and she wasn’t home. Then I struggled to go back to sleep. I even tried listening to asmr stuff. I feel very grim today

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Condensationon · 15/12/2025 10:18

The car park by the chippy in the local seaside town used to be THE place to hang out when I was a teen 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

im so glad my Mother couldn’t track me.

my kids are very early 20s to late 20s early 30s and I wouldn’t dream of tracking them - not even the youngest, who is a girl.

can you stop tracking her and just go to bed when she’s out?

FrenchandSaunders · 15/12/2025 10:18

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. For some reason things always seem much worse in the middle of the night ... the amount of times I've been lying in bed, convinced that DD is in a ditch somewhere. Seems ludicrous in the morning.

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 10:17

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:09

Then you need to get help for yourself (if you haven't already). A good therapist will help you deal with this trauma and the associated panic and worry that it is causing. Because all you are doing is transferring this to your child which, whilst understandable, is not fair on her at all.

Also, you need to stop associating tracking her with her "being safe". A mobile phones location tells you absolutely nothing apart from where the device is. It doesn't tell you who your daughter is with, what she's doing, what mood she is in, whether she is drunk / taking drugs / sat having a coffee with a friend. It definitely can't tell you whether she is safe or not. She could have been doing absolutely anything in those hours where you could see where she (vaguely) was. You had no more clue than if you didn't track her.

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Exactly!

Tracking a phone only shows you the phone. It has nothing to do with the safety of the owner nor does it show you their location. All this tracking just feeds people’s anxieties and also gives them a false sense of security.

It really disturbs me that it’s all become so normalised - maybe the next step will be live tracking devices under the skin? 🫣

Original poster

Riverz · 15/12/2025 10:16

I’ve had therapy, usually day to day I am fine. This really triggered me and left me with a lot of things to work through. It’s not DD’s fault it triggered me and it’s for me to deal with not her. You also can’t always control what or when you get triggered it can happen.

It was out of character for her, with new friends I don’t know and yes I thought it was a weird thing to do as it’s really cold out and she usually likes her bed and being warm. She doesn’t do things like this. Not sure if it’s outing but the place she was located was basically next door to a hospital. So I woke up and realised she wasn’t home, checked my phone saw she was next to a hospital. She eventually replied said she was in a car park with friends (unrelated to the hospital). I was confused why other 21yo friends did not have anywhere ‘indoors’ to hang out mid December so why were they sitting in DD’s car for hours? She had a coat on but not dressed for sleeping in a car all night. She has money so could get a hotel

She is home now but I have not seen her as I’m at work. I was the one who ended up driving on no sleep.

My DH is very level headed and even he said he could see why I was confused by her weird decisions.. but that she was an adult to make her own decisions.

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Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:15

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 09:57

How old are you adult children as many in here are commenting when it wasn't really a thing? Where did it say she tracked her 24hrs a day? I thought the OP stated this weekend so a Saturday night or something hasn't returned and is sitting in a car park for six hours, that's not 24/7 is it? Completely normal to be worried about your DD in that context.

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And the OP says

It’s really useful as often I will just check she drove safely and not text her at all.

So she is checking on her regularly to make sure she "drives safely"?!

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 10:15

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 10:11

Well yeah, you weren't living at home, that's the difference.

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It shouldn’t make a difference though. A 21 year old is an adult whether they live at home or not. Having your young adult living at home with you shouldn’t be an excuse for you to control them and treat them as younger than they are.

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 10:14

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 10:06

So you don't?

Of course it's relevant, so you don't even know what it is like to be in the context of Mum of a young adult. Yes, we have all been 21 bit it is not the same thing at all! But tbh, 21 is pretty old and way too old to be sitting in a car park for six hours. It's the kind of thing you expect form a sixth former with friends maybe.

Also, maybe your parents weren't the worrying type it doesn't mean that was the generic norm, it was just your norm. I was growing up in the 80s and 90s and 21 in early 00s my parents didn't smack at all and they were liberal parents, my Mum was an avid reader of child development books and much to the mockery of some of the other Mums was considered 'hippy dippy' in her approach so she certainly wasn't controlling but she definitely worried about me out on Friday/Saturday night, night bus through London etc, when I was a late teen, it was not surprising to me, it was my norm. The only answer is to move out when you are 21!

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As I’ve says multiple times, I’m not criticising OP for worrying - it’s totally normal to worry and even have a bit of a panic when you wake up at 3am and your child isn’t back yet.

But none of that means it’s okay to track the location of said child and then send them panicked messages. You don’t have to be the parent of a 21 year old to know that 🫣

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 10:11

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 09:53

I don’t see why that’s relevant

OP is allowed to be anxious but she shouldn’t but that anxiety onto her daughter. When I was 21 I was living away from home in a foreign country and by parents didn’t have a single clue about who I was with or when I got home.

I’m sure they worried but I would have been furious if they’d started texting me in the middle of the night because of the location on my phone.

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Well yeah, you weren't living at home, that's the difference.

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 10:09

Riverz · 15/12/2025 09:58

It’s trauma. It is trauma that makes people this way. Real life stuff like SA’s and abuse. None of which is my DD’s fault, and I adore her and only want the best for her. It’s my own insecurity and not fair on her. I do know this. I’m not going to be pissed off with her she didn’t do anything wrong

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Then you need to get help for yourself (if you haven't already). A good therapist will help you deal with this trauma and the associated panic and worry that it is causing. Because all you are doing is transferring this to your child which, whilst understandable, is not fair on her at all.

Also, you need to stop associating tracking her with her "being safe". A mobile phones location tells you absolutely nothing apart from where the device is. It doesn't tell you who your daughter is with, what she's doing, what mood she is in, whether she is drunk / taking drugs / sat having a coffee with a friend. It definitely can't tell you whether she is safe or not. She could have been doing absolutely anything in those hours where you could see where she (vaguely) was. You had no more clue than if you didn't track her.

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 10:07

Riverz · 15/12/2025 09:58

It’s trauma. It is trauma that makes people this way. Real life stuff like SA’s and abuse. None of which is my DD’s fault, and I adore her and only want the best for her. It’s my own insecurity and not fair on her. I do know this. I’m not going to be pissed off with her she didn’t do anything wrong

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Oh I am so sorry you are dealing with this, is that why your anxiety is so unmanageable I don't know if you have councilling or therapy maybe try and get something organised so you can navigate this better.

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 10:06

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 09:54

I don’t know why you keep asking this. It’s irrelevant.

Tracking wasn’t a thing when I was 21 (thank God).

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So you don't?

Of course it's relevant, so you don't even know what it is like to be in the context of Mum of a young adult. Yes, we have all been 21 bit it is not the same thing at all! But tbh, 21 is pretty old and way too old to be sitting in a car park for six hours. It's the kind of thing you expect form a sixth former with friends maybe.

Also, maybe your parents weren't the worrying type it doesn't mean that was the generic norm, it was just your norm. I was growing up in the 80s and 90s and 21 in early 00s my parents didn't smack at all and they were liberal parents, my Mum was an avid reader of child development books and much to the mockery of some of the other Mums was considered 'hippy dippy' in her approach so she certainly wasn't controlling but she definitely worried about me out on Friday/Saturday night, night bus through London etc, when I was a late teen, it was not surprising to me, it was my norm. The only answer is to move out when you are 21!

BitOfAWeirdo · 15/12/2025 10:03

My Dad is a massive worrier and would love to know where I am at all hours of the day. He would love a tracker on my phone!

He panics if I don't answer my phone straight away. I once didn't respond to a text because I was at work and then driving. He had convinced himself that something awful had happened.

I used to work as a supply teacher. He would want to know which schools I was going to. In the end I got fed up and just used to be vague about their general locations.

The result isn't that I change any of my behaviour, I just don't tell him very much!

For example I didn't tell him when I had a car crash.

If you want your adult children to be open with you then you have to treat them like adults.

Coffeeishot · 15/12/2025 10:02

Riverz · 15/12/2025 09:27

We all share tracking, they also track me. I don’t have it with my DH though.

She has freedom to remove me

It’s really useful as often I will just check she drove safely and not text her at all. She also uses it to check if I am home or at work

I just feel bad at not trusting her, treating her like a child and also bothering her while she was having a good time. It was quite out of character for her.

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If its a new routine for her has she new friends that she is hanging around with ?then you might need to reset house rules so you don't have to track her because you are so worried that you are up all night, she is living in your house so I think she should be mindful of that, but you need to learn to relax, or not be so frantic.

Fwiw you never stop worrying about them just you need to learn different ways of dealing with it.

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 10:02

Riverz · 15/12/2025 09:58

It’s trauma. It is trauma that makes people this way. Real life stuff like SA’s and abuse. None of which is my DD’s fault, and I adore her and only want the best for her. It’s my own insecurity and not fair on her. I do know this. I’m not going to be pissed off with her she didn’t do anything wrong

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I’m genuinely sorry that’s something you’ve experienced - maybe it would be worth investing into some therapy.

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 10:01

Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 09:57

How old are you adult children as many in here are commenting when it wasn't really a thing? Where did it say she tracked her 24hrs a day? I thought the OP stated this weekend so a Saturday night or something hasn't returned and is sitting in a car park for six hours, that's not 24/7 is it? Completely normal to be worried about your DD in that context.

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And again, it’s okay to be worried - that’s part of being a parent. But it’s not okay to transfer that worry onto your adult child.

Original poster

Riverz · 15/12/2025 09:58

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 09:56

Exactly. Most of the posters on here managed to make it to adulthood without being tracked 24/7. I’m not sure why society thinks this kind of behaviour is okay but it makes me feel incredibly sorry for young people.

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It’s trauma. It is trauma that makes people this way. Real life stuff like SA’s and abuse. None of which is my DD’s fault, and I adore her and only want the best for her. It’s my own insecurity and not fair on her. I do know this. I’m not going to be pissed off with her she didn’t do anything wrong

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Goldenbear · 15/12/2025 09:57

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 09:51

Yes. As do many of us on here. Who are all saying that the OP is out of order and that tracking an adult child's movements 24/7 is not healthy.

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How old are you adult children as many in here are commenting when it wasn't really a thing? Where did it say she tracked her 24hrs a day? I thought the OP stated this weekend so a Saturday night or something hasn't returned and is sitting in a car park for six hours, that's not 24/7 is it? Completely normal to be worried about your DD in that context.

vanillalattes · 15/12/2025 09:56

Starlight1984 · 15/12/2025 09:51

Yes. As do many of us on here. Who are all saying that the OP is out of order and that tracking an adult child's movements 24/7 is not healthy.

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Exactly. Most of the posters on here managed to make it to adulthood without being tracked 24/7. I’m not sure why society thinks this kind of behaviour is okay but it makes me feel incredibly sorry for young people.

Original poster

Riverz · 15/12/2025 09:55

She’s not scared of me she told me I was being a twat when she replied. We have a pretty good and open relationship generally.

In the cold light of day I agree I’m a twat

I don’t know how I would have felt about my mum…. I assume I might have made better choices and been safer had someone been looking out for me so I am majorly projecting my experiences onto my DD, however my DD generally is a billion times more sensible and mature than I was. So I am not giving her credit as an adult or that I have raised her right. Generally I felt abandoned as a young teen by my parents and I was easily attracted into a bad crowd who took advantage of me. My main goal is that DD has a strong home with a parent who cares but I can see how that can go too far.

It’s easier to reflect in the daylight

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