To be annoyed with DD21

She’s probably in someone else’s car. You’re going to have to leave her to it and stop nagging her because she’s not going to listen. Pretend she lives away from home.

You all follow each other? Blimey.

@Riverz people on mumsnet are so mean! You've been self-aware right from the beginning, yet people feel the need to keep slamming you down?

Just to say I have a 21 year old daughter and I understand your panic. She removed me from 'find my iphone' about 6 months ago because her housemates are all on Life 360. At least that's what she told me! It threw me a bit at first, but I knew it was a good thing and I've got used to it - it's actually a bit of a relief now to be honest...

I am glad this all worked out and you have some idea what she was up to. Parents are bound to worry when their young people are behaving unusually or out of character. While living at home I will expect my son to let me know if he is going to be out particularly late or not homing home. That's just courtesy - he would expect the same from me!

I do track him and have done since he had an iphone. Initially it was so I knew where he was when he was out with friends and he was happy because it saved him having to update me. This has carried on through college and again while some days DS would let me know when he was going to be home, other times he would forget and I could see if he was on the bus yet or not. He wanted his tea cooking so again he was happy to be tracked! Without the tracking I would have expected him to let me know one way or the other if he wanted tea and to update me if plans changed. If he didn't there would have been no tea.

Now he is at Uni and I know it would not be healthy to track him constantly and I have no urge to do so. I certainly don't want to police his every move. Occasionally I will look, usually if I am expecting a call and wondering if he is home. I have also checked when I know he is doing something unusual like when he went to France in the summer it was fun to look and think 'oh he is in Paris'.

His dad (we are divorced) sometimes looks where DS is just out of curiosity and sometimes to see if he is home with me or still at Uni. My son can be rubbish at responding to messages from his dad and is much more inclined to keep in touch with me but that is because he has always lived with me and inevitibely we are closer.

My son can track us too. He will sometimes look where his Dad is, especially if he is waiting for him to pick him up as his Dad isn't very punctual! Find my iphone has also been useful when both me and DS have lost our phones too as the other one could track and find it.

It's a useful tool and mostly saves any worry but I can see why you were worried last night and I don't think you did anything wrong but then neither did your daughter. She responded to your message at 2am and said she was fine and wouldn't be back yet. That was all she needed to do - although it might have been nice if she'd text you sooner so you wouldn't even have looked at the tracking and might not have worried at all. I think it's fair enough for adults living in the same house to let each other know their plans and if they are coming home or not.

This is completely bonkers. My 22yr old lived away from home for 4 years of uni and now lives and works in Spain. I wouldn’t dream of tracking their movements. I doubt they would be so independent and full of adventure had I been watching them constantly 😳

Why does DD 'need' to delete the tracker on her phone? Because Mumsnet says so?
OP has already said her DD is happy to have the family tracker on her phone,

I think step dad having it for emergencies or anyone else would be fine if DD1 is okay with that - but OP clearly can't handle the tempation to check up and it's feeding her anxierty adversely affecting her well being. OP ended up not sleeping due to worry and ended up being the one driving tried and risking her and others health on the road.

Op DD now knows hotel rooms an option - so she's sorted - it's the OP future behavior that needs addressing. The easiest way to addess that for the OP is to not feeding her axiety with information she has no need to have access to - ie delete/disable her ablity to track and thus feed her anxiety.

She is obvioulsy free to do as she pleases as is her DD - but knowing she struggles with not checking up and then being powerless to influence her grown DD behavior from a distance and then all worry she expressed on here - I personally think this is a modern tool that is just feeding OP anxiety and is unhelpful for her.

Why does DD 'need' to delete the tracker on her phone? Because Mumsnet says so?

OP has already said her DD is happy to have the family tracker on her phone, and they seem to generally have a good relationship, so all of the 'she secretly hates you' responses are clearly untrue and only indicative of whatever issues those particular MNetters have going on in their own lives.

You've had some really shitty replies OP. It's only natural to worry as a parent, no matter how old they are. At 21 I wasn't very worldly, and got myself into some situations that could have turned out badly because of that. I certainly wouldn't have fully comprehended the dangers of driving on no sleep/sleeping in a public car park. There's a big difference between giving advice and being controlling.

Just read update but I still think you should stop tracking her, consent or not.

This is a prime example of using a phone to obsess. OP - your daughter is now an autonomous adult and you are treating her like a 12 year old. Generations of people have grown up without their parents knowing where they are 24/7, and not contacting their parents every few hours. Leave her alone to grow up in peace and have some degree of privacy.

I’d not be thrilled if my daughter even if she was an adult was sleeping in a car park in her car! I know cars are locked but it doesn’t seem safe. I don’t think you’re wrong for worrying!

She needs to turn her tracking off.

I am sure if you had a thought your reply through you could have worded it like a rational adult !

Exactly!

Well aren’t you the privileged one! Do you good to be exposed to how some people have to live.

Leave her be. You are tracking a fully grown woman?? That’s just wrong. You have anxiety, seek help!

I was the one who ended up driving on no sleep.

but that’s your own problem, you can’t put that on her. It’s not her fault you’re overly anxious and traumatised or whatever else. 21 is an age that’s synonymous with being social and having a nightlife.You’re banging on about finding her actions ““confusing”” but does a 21 year old really need to justify every little thing she does on the location tracking to you? Do you have to, not be confused, as opposed to giving her the freedom to do silly things and enjoy herself? You’re breathing down her neck and for someone with the trauma issues that you have, having access to her location 24/7 is not healthy for either of you. She has to be given the space to be spontaneous, she’s a grown adult, but you’re susceptible to overthinking and seeing the worst.

Most 21 year olds are out at 3am at some point doing nonsensical things. It doesn’t have to make sense through a middle-aged/parental lens. I’ve seen silly yet harmless things happen, it’s just part of making memories isn’t it? I’m sure most people on here have stories about doing things that are worse. Sitting in her car having a chat, isn’t concerning behaviour. Your perception is.

She has probably left her phone in the car and doesn't want you to know where she actually is or what she is doing. It is an absolute disgrace that parents track adult children and vice versa. The internet is the most invasive thing on this planet. We all need privacy. Go to bed and sleep. Leave her to her own devices.

When I was 21 (in 1976) I was backpacking in New Zealand. There were no mobile phones back then never mind trackers! I was away for about 12 months altogether and could only call from public call boxes so that didn't happen very often. I expect they did worry about me a bit but we all survived.

Totally get it.

I also remember how I was absolutely fine at 21 with little sleep whereas now I wouldn’t dream of it! If she is a good driver then she would handle her tiredness which wouldn’t be the same as yours…

I'd have been worried too, those circumstances are odd and driving while tired can kill. If the weather is bad, even worse. I wouldn't continually message her though but I'd no doubt lie awake worried.

Hanging about in cars has been a thing for teens- yes, although personally I didn't know anyone who bothered once they could go to pubs, house parties and certainly being in a City Context at 21, I didn't know anyone who had a good time in a retail carpark for six hours! IME you did this at 16/17 when the first person in your group had learnt to drive and nothing else to do, I had to move from London to the countryside when I was 16 and due to lack of options we did do this sometimes, plus more teenagers had cars. When I was out of there at 19 I didn't know anybody who did this in a city context, certainly not at 21 unless some special trip for a view or event but again this would have been after surfing or something, for a couple of hours watching the sunset in the summer not in December for 6 on your own! I was responding to the initial OP which didn't describe that context. I thought it was the 21 year old DD in a car park in a place she doesn't or hasn't visited, on her own for six hours at night which is a totally different scenario.