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Original poster

DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

291 replies

YourWittyLion · 15/12/2025 00:23

Throwaway account for obvious reasons when you read this.... also sorry in advance for the length of my post.. I'm trying not to miss details and hopefully get some none bias opinions!

Sooo where to begin!
My DH & I have been together for over 15 years and for 13 of these we've dreamed of moving down south!
We first discussed our plan with my parents 13 years ago and DM essentially guilted me out of it and made me feel terrible for even considering to leave them! (For the rest of this I'll mostly just refer to DM, as she is the main issue and my dad is a more of a bystander.)
We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar.

Anyway, fast forward to now, me and DH have 3 beautiful DS's. Life is good, but moving down south has become more and more appealing and we're now at a point that we have made a decision that we are going to do it next year... Essentially now or never, before our DS's get to old to want to move etc. We're all very excited about our plans! We have told a few very close friends and my DSis... everyone is understandably upset we're leaving, but overwhelming supportive of our plans!)

My DM admittedly has had a bit of a shit time of late. Her own mum passed away recently (complicated by a drawn out death over many months, a tricky relationship, family fallouts and my mum having childhood trauma from her abusive dad). Additionally my Dad has recently been referred due ro issues with his memory. Nothing formally diagnosed yet, but we're all fairly certain dementia may be the cause.

Me and DH made the decision about moving in late spring before all these issues were apparent. And because of this we haven't been able to tell my DM, in an attempt to try to protect her peace and give her time to process everything and also because we knew from previous responses that she wouldn't be happy about it etc.
Despite my dad's situation, he is aware of what's happening to him currently and has had multiple conversations about living the life I want and not to waste a day, as he has many regrets (not moving away being one of them). So i know that although my dad would be sad, he would be supportive of us following our dream.

Although really not ideal as my DM is still grieving and things with my dad are up in the air, we were forced to tell her about moving, because we're now at a point that we need to start making solid plans and taking steps to achieve the move and I didnt want my DM to be the last to know or to find out from someone else.
Well... we told them and my DM went nuclear!😪
She wanted to know who was going to look after dad when he got worse. I tried to explain that even if we stayed i couldn't offer the level of help she thinks I could. I'm self employed and reliant on my wage to cover our monthly expenses, so dropping work to look after my dad isn't financially possible and also my DS's who are all still very little are my priority.
She said something along the lines of "given the sacrifices she made" to bring me up .... essentially that I'm selfish.
She also threatened that she might as well kill herself and then stormed out of my house.

In all honesty I expected her to be angry and upset, but her response was so unhinged and bewildering I barely said anything and haven't since.

Since this happened she has sent a torrent of messages to my DB ranting and threatening that she & dad might as well kill themselves.
My DSis called them after they refused to reply to my distraught DB to check that they were ok given what she was messaging and DSis also got verbally abused, told that they might as well kill themselves and that she was done with us (presumably me and DSis as she challenged my DM on some of the things she was saying). It also really concerns me that shes using a threat of suicide to emotionally manipulate the situation and drawing my vulnerable dad into this way of thinking too! 💔

So this is now the point that we're at and I dont know what to do!

Just for added context, as i think its relavant, my DM has always been a tricky person (i don't know how else to describe this) and since being a mum myself and assessing my relationships with my mum, I've come to realisation that although she loves me, our relationship is mostly transactional in a sense that she doesnt really bother with me or my DS's unless she needs or wants something and we're not anywhere high on her list of priorities. A bitter pill to swallow, but something that I'm learning to accept.
I've done a lot of self exploring over the last few years to try to figure out if i'm the issue and to address my own shortcomings, but through this I've actually realised due to her upbringing, she is the perfect example of an emotionally immature parent- something she can't help or likely change.
I think in part this is the reason for the way she has responded, but its really difficult to take and I don't know where to go from here as I know I will never "win" or be "right" in her eyes.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
KeepAwayFromChildren · 15/12/2025 07:41

This should not have come as a shock though. She was always going to go full nutso so just accept this is situation normal.

What is actually going on is she was hoping to take the easy route out of what amounts to her own problems, i.e. get you do do all the donkey work instead of making cool sensible decisions about your DF's care going forward. You were right to tell her you can't offer the level of care he would need. It's a job in it's own right and she needs to start making proper enquiries with a view to getting him professional care.

She has no brownie points stored up with you so she can't expect to cash them in.

Move. This was always going to be a shit time but do it. She will adjust. Give her a bit of time to get used to the idea but when she starts on, just shut her down. Take even more control. It's not like you are moving to SA or Australia. She needs to get a grip.

magicalmadmadamim · 15/12/2025 07:36

BishyBarnyBee · 15/12/2025 07:27

You should do what you need to do, but...your poor mum! She has lost her mum after a drawn out and difficult illness, she is about to lose your father to dementia, and she is losing her daughter and grandchildren. It's actually you that is going nuclear by choosing to move away at such a difficult time for her. To have not gone for 13 years out of people pleasing and then to choose to go now is harsh.

You have every right to do it, and she is behaving appallingly with the suicide threats, but anyone in her position would feel that their life was grim at the moment.

That does not give her the right to dictate what her daughter can and cannot do.
OP said herself that she only bothers with them when she needs something.
Life happens and this is something she needs to acept.

Maddy70 · 15/12/2025 07:33

She is worried about the future understandably but her response is ridiculous.

I moved abroad leaving elderly parents behind but the timing coincided with Brexit which they voted for so if we didn't go then we wouldn't have been able to leave at the planned later /retirement stage
They were hurt and upset but soon came round to the idea. Visiting is obviously less frequent but higher quality. Longer time spent with each other

jeaux90 · 15/12/2025 07:32

I mean obviously move OP.
but what I find weird is she thinks you are the best qualified person to take care of your father if he does deteriorate into Dementia. Why?

He gets assessed and hopefully gets to stay in his own home with carers coming in a few times a day etc and if it does progress then it’s special care facility.

What makes her think this should all fall to you? So weird!

I hope the move brings you all the additional opportunities you are looking for.

CurtsyFriends · 15/12/2025 07:29

It’s a disgusting thing for your mum to do - threaten to harm herself (and your dad) just because you want a life of your own.

Don’t be fooled by the red herring of your father’s heath either - she reacted in a very similar way years ago when you first mentioned the idea. If he had no health problems her reaction would be the same.

If you do stay because of his health then it will turn into staying forever. You don’t mention your parents ages but as your Mum is still working I’m guessing that at least she isn’t particularly elderly and is otherwise fit and healthy. If your Dad is in the early stages of dementia, and depending on what type, it might be another 5-20yrs of caring for him alone. Then it will be your mother’s turn. And before you know it, its too late to move.

justgottadoit · 15/12/2025 07:27

I don’t think it’s a good idea to call the ambulance/ police when she threatens suicide. Deep down you know it’s an empty threat intended to manipulate. The police and ambulance should not be the arbiters of family disagreements

But you should say to her that you will call them if she says those things to you again (and see the empty threat evaporate)

BishyBarnyBee · 15/12/2025 07:27

You should do what you need to do, but...your poor mum! She has lost her mum after a drawn out and difficult illness, she is about to lose your father to dementia, and she is losing her daughter and grandchildren. It's actually you that is going nuclear by choosing to move away at such a difficult time for her. To have not gone for 13 years out of people pleasing and then to choose to go now is harsh.

You have every right to do it, and she is behaving appallingly with the suicide threats, but anyone in her position would feel that their life was grim at the moment.

ChristmasMantleStatue · 15/12/2025 07:25

Oh OP. It's probably already been said, but read up about FOG. Fear, Obligation Guilt. Also Flying Monkeys.

I also understand how becoming a parent can indirectly be traumatic because you start to review how a parent has behaved throughout your childhood.

metalbottle · 15/12/2025 07:24

ThisAutumnTown · 15/12/2025 00:39

Call her bluff and ring an ambulance/the police. Tell them that you’d like them to do a welfare check as she’s threatening suicide.
I bet she’ll be so mortified, she’ll stop using it as a way to manipulate you.

With regards to everything else, you live one life so do what you want to do. As you said, your children come first so if you think this is the best thing for them, do it.

Please don't waste valuable healthcare resources like this. Stupid idea.

Letsbe · 15/12/2025 07:18

ChristmasRobinFly · 15/12/2025 00:48

That’s genius idea
call her bluff

op go you’ve got one life

Show quote history

As both services are so busy this time of year I do not think this is a good idea.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 15/12/2025 07:16

You need to do what works for you and your DC.

Be aware though, she and your Dad are going to be increasingly vulnerable. Him particularly. You are in for a rough ride, generally, so make sure you get a house somewhere on a good travel route.

Living on the motorway side of your town makes a huge difference when you need to get somewhere else.

I have a DM who is similar, though was never bothered where we lived as we all left at 18.

It’s going to get tricky. DM wasn’t up to the care of my Dad when he was dying. She continued controlling, refusing certain meds because of side effects, denying him chocolate because he had to eat healthily (terminal diagnosis).

Make sure you have plans in place to make your life easier when the time comes because it’s shit when people you love are vulnerable and you are a long way away.

She may well be a narcissist. She can still be vulnerable, terrified, grieving.

Elektra1 · 15/12/2025 07:15

My mum reacted v badly when I said I was moving 1 hour away with my kids. I needed to be closer to work but she was insistent that as a single parent I wouldn’t cope without my parents’ help. My parents had been v helpful with childcare, but I managed. And it was the best move for my career.

Sometimes you just have to tolerate the discomfort of not doing what your parents want. You only have one life.

cakebreak · 15/12/2025 07:15

When I moved I don't think I realised what an awful thing it was to do to my parents and if I had the choice again I wouldn't do it. You start off thinking you will visit a lot and then kids get hobbies and you end up struggling to manage to ever get home.

Also - which bit of the south are you so excited to move to? I hate it! So much traffic, so much new development,.and the beaches are too polluted with sewage

ComfortFoodCafe · 15/12/2025 07:14

My mam did this! She got over it after a few years. Go live your life op your dad is correct, don’t go out with regrets.

magicalmadmadamim · 15/12/2025 07:10

My grandma did this to my mum years ago because my parents wanted to move to the midlands which was clutches pearls a 3 hour train ride away from her.
they could have afforded to buy there but instead we struggled in a quarter share social house closer as she didnt want to upset her mum.
even her doctor apparently told her that her own mother was trying to control her.
You only get one life and you have to walk your own path.
Your mother is 100% trying to manipulate you for her own selfish reasons.
I say move to the location you want and live a lovely life.

Radionowhere · 15/12/2025 07:09

174ghxt · 15/12/2025 01:05

This is the tip of the iceberg, I know, in terms of the issues raised in your post, but what is it about living down south that is so appealing to you? If life is good where you are, how much much better will the move make it? What will the south, specifically, add to your life?
Your mother's reaction is problematic, I get that. It may well be that she is emotionally immature etc. You will get advised to follow your dream etc despite her, and I'm not saying that would be wrong.
I just wonder though...I personally could not move miles away from a father who was had just been diagnosed with the start of dementia. I might not take full responsibility for his care if I stayed, but if we take the view that parents are owed nothing, established friends mean little, roots mean little, follow your dream, grey rock the objectors...it just seems a bit cold.
But I might just be someone without the courage to move away. Who knows?
It's a tricky one, OP, navigating what we owe to others and what we owe to ourselves. I wish you all the best.

This. Personally I think you've already missed the boat for doing this OP, with your Dad's health.
What is it you're looking for with this move? Why does it appeal?

Pricelessadvice · 15/12/2025 07:09

Carry on with your plans. You can’t put your life on hold for your mother.
She sounds extremely selfish tbh.

Sartre · 15/12/2025 07:05

I don’t think she’s a narcissist as someone said, I think she’s going through an exceptionally difficult period and is worried she’ll now barely see her child and grandchildren. It sounds as though she needs lots of support right now.

Having said that, you have other siblings who can provide this and I’m sure you’ll do your best to see her. It’s different to moving to the south of the US where you’d realistically have to fly to see one another. I’m sure you’ll only be a 4 hour drive away at most. This is your life and you need to live it how you choose.

LaneCaneCandy · 15/12/2025 06:59

You have to do what is best for you and your family. You have put this move off for over a decade. Your priority is your husband and your children.

You do not owe your parents care in their old age. In her head she has it that you would be the one to sacrifice it all for her. This is not right.

Move and don't feel bad about it, you should have done this years ago. She doesn't get to dictate where you live, you are not a child.

PenelopeSkye · 15/12/2025 06:59

174ghxt · 15/12/2025 01:05

This is the tip of the iceberg, I know, in terms of the issues raised in your post, but what is it about living down south that is so appealing to you? If life is good where you are, how much much better will the move make it? What will the south, specifically, add to your life?
Your mother's reaction is problematic, I get that. It may well be that she is emotionally immature etc. You will get advised to follow your dream etc despite her, and I'm not saying that would be wrong.
I just wonder though...I personally could not move miles away from a father who was had just been diagnosed with the start of dementia. I might not take full responsibility for his care if I stayed, but if we take the view that parents are owed nothing, established friends mean little, roots mean little, follow your dream, grey rock the objectors...it just seems a bit cold.
But I might just be someone without the courage to move away. Who knows?
It's a tricky one, OP, navigating what we owe to others and what we owe to ourselves. I wish you all the best.

This is how I feel too. You do have to live your life, of course. But we did similar and moved to the opposite end of the country with our 3 young DC- 10 years ago now, and though we do have a lovely life here, I feel deeply sad about the bonds the kids could have formed with family, and the support I want to now be giving my parents, it just isn’t the same being miles away. I feel my value for my wider family didn’t truly kick in until we’d left them. I do have regrets. That said, your mum sounds emotionally immature and ultimately you have to put your own boys first now, so if it’s what you really want, ditch any guilt- your mum will make her peace with it eventually.

CarlaLemarchant · 15/12/2025 06:58

First of all, if you think your mum is genuine in her threats of suicide then call the police. However if you are confident the threats are just empty emotional manipulation do not call the emergency services to call her bluff or teach her a lesson.

Secondly, I think you should move but you (including your siblings) should also read up on dementia, progression through the stages and what support is available locally and help your mum come up with a plan so that she is not going through it alone.

Your dad has not yet received a diagnosis but if he does, it’s a very traumatic road your parents are going to go down.

FancyFireplaces · 15/12/2025 06:49

Oh course your mum is being massively unreasonable. But I’m not really clear on why you want to move. It sounds like you have a network of friends and family where you are. You don’t describe having anything like this where you’re going. You also talk about the south like it’s some sort of promised land. Where exactly are you looking to move to and why is it worth this massive upheaval away from everything you and your kids know? What’s so bad about where you live now?

AmberLime · 15/12/2025 06:39

My mum did this 3y ago when we moved. I'm only 45min dive away, not hundreds of miles. But used to live in the same village.

She didn't do the nuclear option tho. I've had the silently seething version. With self pity and blame. It's still ongoing now. In retrospect I can see the cycle of grief in her emotions. Not yet fully reached acceptance, even now.

Looneytune253 · 15/12/2025 06:33

HoppingPavlova · 15/12/2025 01:00

Not really sure what aspect you are asking about? You move as planned and ignore your DM’s tantrums/emotional abuse. Not really anymore to it than that?

ETA We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar

This aspect seems odd. Why are you ‘visiting’ this idea with them at all once, let alone ‘over the years’? Surely you just make a decision and then inform them when it’s happening? I can’t imagine, moreover did, discuss my life plans with my parents as an adult, I just got in with it and informed them of anything relevant at the time it was happening.

Edited

That's quite sad actually. I'm not saying anyone needs permission to do what they want to do with their life BUT not even chatting normally about your plans for your future with your family is quite sad. Most people would chat casually and it would come up now and then, especially big plans like this.

MySweetGeorgina · 15/12/2025 06:23

I think she has really made it clear that you HAVE to move away

her toxic level of trying to control you will only increase, and you have been earmarked as your parents carer in old age (whether you want to or not)

I really hope you and your little family get to escape this awful woman

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