DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

Erg

Parents, good parents I mean, want the best for their children. When their kids are small, good parents put the kids needs first. This might be a major thing like a broke single mum doing without so the kid has food, clothes, a bed etc. Or a minor thing like a mum going out on an evening to collect their kid from an activity when that mum would prefer to stay home on the sofa.

Wanting the best for your kid doesn't stop when they grow up. Good parents want their adult kids to be happy, successful, fulfilled, independent, confident, capable. They want their kids to have a better life than they did. They want the best possible life for their kids.

A good parent would not want their adult child to limit and restrict their life on the parent's behalf. There will be some parent/adult child relationships where the adult child cares for their elderly parent because that is their heart's desire. The care they're giving is not felt as a burden or a restriction, they want to do it. It's the right choice for both of them. But it's not right for all adult children, and if it feels like a burden or a restriction then a good parent would have made plans for their old age that don't involve family members doing any more than normal family visits.

So please don't add your burden of shame and guilt onto the OP. You made your choice. I hope you had a good parent and it was a choice you made freely in both of your best interests. The OPs mother is very clearly not a good parent and the OP needs to make her choices in her own best interests.

Agree with this
A couple of posters have said something similar of she will get carers and then he will go in a home. Its very naiive

In my experience it's a long hard struggle with very little state support and very much reliant on families doing a huge amount of work.

We did the opposite of moving toward the parent with dementia, simply because it was impossible to handle at a distance

Agree with this. What is it about the move down south that’s so appealing? You seem to have built it up a lot but it’s not clear why it has such a strong pull for you?

I don’t think it was fair for your mum to try to stop you all those years ago. I can understand her being upset but kids have to lead their own lives. Ultimately though it was your decision not to go at the time. (You do seem to 100% blame this on your mum?) Of course her stance would’ve made things hard but if you really wanted to go you could’ve faced the music and just gone for it.

Life has changed significantly since then and in the context of your dad’s illness going now is a completely different premise. To me that’s a time where you should pull together as a family, not tootling off into the sunset to your dream life down south. Leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces.

Your relationship with your mum doesn’t sound like an easy one but what about your dad and your siblings? (I also think making your mum solely responsibility for your dad’s regrets of moving away is unfair?)

It’s awful for your mum to threaten suicide if it’s not genuine but maybe she does really feel like that? I would be devastated and terrified if my husband was diagnosed with dementia and I was facing it alone. And then also gutted about you and grandchildren moving away. When did you share this news? When life is hard we instinctively sometimes think I can’t cope with this and want to just run away. She’s only human. Her being a difficult character doesn’t take that away.

What does your husband think about all of this? Are his family down south?

The south, like the north is a large place. There are lots of different places and lots of different people. I’m not sure it is possible to make generalisations about either! I’m sure the OP can be trusted to have made a decision that suits her family and they have done their research.

My mum was a manipulator who had me running ragged until the day she died and I was fool enough to do it.
Take the giant leap and move south to see if you enjoy living there at least you will be free to live life on your own terms like your father is urging you to do - nothing is set in tablets of stone. I’d even be tempted to not leave her a forwarding address - maybe dad will follow and get a few years peace! Some relationships reach a sell-by date.

This happened to my relative, for about 25 years they said once the kids are grown were off down south where one of themwas from and had moved up to the midlands for work which we always considered a sacrifice because it’s a grotty midland town.

The grandparents spent the whole year in the run up lecturing two grown adults they were making a huge mistake, they’d regret it, they wound up the couples kids making them worry their parents were making a mistake and life was going to be essentially ruined.

They moved anyway, 3 years on they still love it there. They can finally see the side of the family they’ve been living away from for so long, they’re near to 3 different beaches, they go wild swimming and to the gym.

Your mother is being abusive threatening suicide, it’s a classic abuse designed to terrify you into complying. If your dad does have dementia he will need professional support, unless you work in elderly mental health you won’t have dealt with dementia before and won’t know what to do anyway.

I would carry on with your plans.

Another one here asking about what's so good about the south? I'm in the south, it's expensive and crowded in my city. What's the pull for you? Genuinely interested as I've wished to move away! It's not friendly here in the slightest! You have to do what's best for you and your family.

Basically there are two types of parent. Ones like your mum and ones like your dad.

Your mum is being selfish because it's who she is. Your dad isn't.

Imo none of this is actually a problem for you to solve. You're moving and people can have whatever reaction they want.

Normal people don't act like your mum.

So just ignore her. You don't need her shit. And nor do your siblings, but that's their prerogative.

So just choose to have a good day today and shut out the noise. It's only a problem if you acknowledge and react to her.

If the DM really expects the OP to care for him instead of her, that's obviously not reasonable or fair. But in our experience, dealing with dementia in the family (twice) was a team effort that nearly broke us and it's not at all weird to expect the family to offer some support through that time.

And it's nowhere near as simple as "carers a few times a day then a special care facility."

I always think people's choice of words is very telling. The suicide threat was just anger.

The words were you were being set up to be their carer. No.

I am very surprised that so many posters stay(ed) living near their families once they had grown up - it's different now with the high cost of living, but almost no one I knew at uni a couple of decades ago went "home" afterwards to live or even considered that as a potential path - we found first jobs either in our university town or wherever the best job was, and had effectively moved out at 18. Similarly with those getting jobs straight after leaving school - why limit yourself by staying? There shouldn't be any sense of obligation to stay where your parents chose to live, and dedicate your life (and your DH's) to your parents. You've given them enough time spent living somewhere you don't want to. The world is vast and life is short.

In short, good luck with your move. Do not be manipulated into delaying your happy life a second longer.

I’d be sending any “me and DF might as well kill ourselves” messages to the police and insisting on a welfare check for mental health. Clearly your father is vulnerable and empty threat or not this is not something any sane or rational person would threat. If she’s going to use big words like that, she should expect to be taken seriously and getting an appropriate response.

Her mum is cross because she expected OP to take on the bulk of OP's dad's care so that her own life would be affected as little as possible. She has actually told OP this.

That doesn't demonstrate her mum's love for her. It does demonstrate that her mum is selfish and probably narcissistic.

Lots of people wouldn't want to move down South, including myself, but there are more employment opportunities with higher salaries. It's obvious that this is something that OP and her DH have researched and agreed that it would be a good move for their family. I doubt that they have made this decision on a whim.

Just to add a different perspective, whilst your mums response is unreasonable and clearly there are issues, you do need to think about the way you will likely feel when your mum and siblings are dealing with the reality of caring with someone with dementia and you are not there to help. FIL has dementia and my DH and SIL are sharing the responsibility and it is brutal. That's not to say don't do it but you need to have an honest conversation with your siblings about this. A friend of mine moved away when her dad was diagnosed with cancer. The guilt of it did take the joy away somewhat and whilst she doesn't regret it, her relationships with her family have never been the same. So yes your mum is being utterly unreasonable but you do need to be prepared for this not being easy on you.

I have young adult children and would be gutted if they left. However, I would never ever threaten suicide or manipulate them to stay. That is appalling and cruel behaviour. Because I love them, I would let them go and hope they stayed in touch.

This is not how a decent loving mother and grandmother behaves. This is disgusting manipulative behaviour from somebody who wants her own way and will stop at nothing to get it. This is clearly not new behaviour. Be kind? Well, the mother certainly isn’t.

'Be kind' in this situation will just enable her bad behaviour further.
Sorry but fuck that!

Well this post clarifies the situation, if you are reading her right.
You work as an unpaid carer while she continues to earn? Fuck no!
No wonder she's gone mental as that plan is now blown out of the water. Yes she's in a horrible situation but she needs to be supported to find a realistic solution, a solution that works - wherever you happen to live. And that was never going to.

A child doesn’t “ owe” their parent their life! She”s selfish and manipulative. I have four DC and I would be devastated if they wanted to move hundreds/ thousands of miles away, however i would put on a brave face and be happy for them. They would be making their dreams come true and that’s exactly what i want for them.

Whatever you do will never be good enough for her. You should have moved years ago. Whilst it will be stressful for your siblings to have to pick up the slack with your mum, they could also move if they wished. You will resent her if you stay, and she won’t even appreciate it.

Move away but stay in touch with your siblings and support your dad however you can. Stop talking about it and take some action now!

This.

You can’t engage with this and she will turn the screws with every flying monkey she can so put your house on the market and go - the sooner the better.

The irony of my life was aged 22 I was offered a job in Australia for the then sum of £44000 (to put that in context my UK job I took was £11000). I had been there on holiday and loved it and been offered a dream job lots of career progression and it was permanent with a possible move to the US after 5 years. My mother screamed the place down and said she would never talk to me again I would be disowned and all this crap. So I turned it down. Biggest regret of my life and I’m 5 years NC with them.

Honestly I wouldn’t engage or speak to her - you can’t argue with this.

It’s a parents job to look after themselves and their old age not a child’s. She decided to have a child not you. You can’t be grateful for being born - totally ridiculous.

So sorry OP but I totally agree with this.
I never moved away from my one remaining parent, despite having several opportunities to do so and I never regretted it for an instance.
Why do you want to move down South, the cost of living alone is not great and you will notice the difference.
As for the north/south divide it exists. I spent time working in the north and trust me the difference in how people are and how they behave is very noticeable.
Your Mum is bereft at the thought of losing you and her grandchildren and is 'acting up'. I know it must be so difficult OP but please find it in your heart to be kind.
You are your parents 'safe place' and I think they love you more than you realise.
I am not saying change your plans but getting older and facing health challenges is frankly extremely frightening.
Your Mum is 'grieving' your loss and, in reality, how often will she see you? If it was me I would be devastated. You have been thinking about this for years, it is news to your parents.
As I say please just be kind xx

You absolutely have to move. For yourself, your marriage and your children. The way you mother has behaved is not healthy or normal. The future for you if you stay close by as the default unwilling career is awful. You'll still be able to visit every few months or so and video calls/phones exist.

Get away from your DM and continue to find out how normal mother - daughter relationships work so you can see how barmy yours has been. Read about FOG, narcissist and emotionally immature mothers. Have therapy for yourself if you need it.

But do not allow your mother to control you, blackmail you, manipulate you or emotionally abuse you. Draw a line in the sand and move.

Your mum is being completely unrealistic. She sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies. Children of narcissistic parents do tend to become people pleasers. My MIL is narcissistic and SIL told me that all her life she has been trying to please her mother - and failing.

It must be very tough but you just need to get on with your life and do what is right for you and your family.

For context, a friend of mine has just found out her son is moving to Australia. They are only a small family and have few other relatives in the UK. She is devastated. But has put on a brave face for her son's sake and wished him all the best in his new adventure. That is how a loving mother behaves.

Move away, just as long as you can genuinely say you don’t expect your sons to be there during your old age if you or your DH develops dementia or otherwise need support. You shouldn’t mind me saying that as your post indicates that you’ve suddenly and coincidentally realised that your Mum wasn’t a perfect parent anyway.
Also when you move consider what you will lose as well as what you might gain, speaking from experience.