DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

I had a controlling mother who did outrageous things...........one example being intercepting my mail when I graduated from Uni and destroying interview offers from companies which weren't local. That just one of many awful conrolling things she did.

She died relatively young . My dad didn't have dementia but when he was pretty old, just a bit frail but independent still, I asked him to move in with us which he did and we all lived very happily until he died too ( I have a very nice husband, but I would have done the same for his mum). I wouldn't have ever considered moving away from him. But as only child maybe you feel the responsibility more.

Not justifiying her actions but it is down to her own fears. And she was probably brought up the same way.
Also, she is being pilloried for scuppering your own Dads dreams. She was actually perfectly entitled not to want to live in another country. If my husband took it into his head to want to do that, I wouldn't go either.

With that sort if behaviour I’d be looking to move much, much further away. Suicide threats? No no no.

She’s got a damn cheek assuming it’s going to be you picking up the caring responsibilities when you have 3 kids and your siblings are nearby.

Hold the line OP it’s not you that is being unreasonable.

It’s loss coming out as anger and despair. She has just lost her mother, is losing her husband and is now losing her daughter and grandchildren. I would reassure her you will visit regularly and she is welcome to visit you and offer support for caring for your dad even if that support is remote. Imagine your husband receives a terminal but long term diagnosis, wouldn’t you need family support?

It's hard when someone has always been 'tricky' but cut DM some slack now. She's bereaved and terrified at the prospect of managing the next stage of her life which will be desperately upsetting and exhausting if your DF does have dementia. Give her some space to calm down before you contact her again.
If you go ahead with moving away, think about ways you might be able to support her from a distance and tell her that you'll still be in touch and visiting as often as possible.

Unfortunately you couldn’t if picked a worse time to do this

From personal experience in the family a potential dementia diagnosis is terrifying for all involved
there’s no happy future ,years of misery ,all the plans for retirement shattered and years of being a carer it’s no life

sorry to be blunt but this is the stark reality of the situation it’s hell I’ve been there

My mother was very similar to yours. My dad got dementia and I was always sure some of it was due to the stress of living with her. Don't let her intimidate you and as PPs have said, live the life which is best for you, your partner and your children. Threats of suicide etc are the tools of manipulation. Usually people who are serious about it do it quietly and unexpectedly. But a good idea to see it as a safeguarding issue and get outside agencies involved.

Sorry, didn't read all the thread..

Us kids had it the other way, parents moved from Brighton to Cornwall, then complained bitterly that we didn't go see them very often! I managed every 6 weeks, but my brothers once a year.

Go OP, you owe it to yourselves to live the life you want to. Being told your parents made sacrifices for you growing up is unkind and manipulative. Even as a very basic, you had no say being born! If your mum only had children so they could look after her when she's old then she shouldn't have had children.

Hopefully she will calm down.

If you want to move, OP, then you should. You can't live your life for your parents, especially as you'll still live a huge chunk of your life without them after they've gone. You're only going down south, not to Australia!

My mum died not so long ago.

She was very manipulative and essentially not a nice person. Yes, she always made sure I was fed and clean, but she wasn't a great mum, she had a lot of personal issues, I tried my best to help her in her late years, nothing was good enough, and she was impossible to change.

It took me a long time to accept this, focus on your own children and help her as much as you can, but from a distance.

Move away.

I think your last paragraph sums it up. It’s not just emotional immaturity- it’s emotional abuse.

there is no easy answer, except that
you need to do what’s best for you
you can’t control your mums outbursts
she won’t change
it’s going to be difficult to manage because her priority seems to be causing disruption and damage.

When I met my DH his sibling was living abroad, they'd taken their two very young children with them, and to be honest it broke my MIL for a long time, she didn't throw threats around or anything like that, she pretended all was fine, but in reality she sank into a deep depression and had to be medicated for years just to function, she described it as grief, they eventually came back and the kids were older at that point, and their relationships resumed quite nicely, but she never really got over losing that close relationship/bond she had with them as little children.

My point is you should do what you need to do for your own family, your decisions should never be swayed by anyone outside your immediate family, but please don't disregard the effect that decision may have on other people and their relationships with you/your children, your DM may be lashing out about the care of your dad, but there may be a multitude of things going on there that she may not feel she can talk about, she's grieving her own mum, your dad's diagnosis and now this..

I'd be sensitive and completely non combative/argumentative, but gently make it clear that you will be going through with your plans, but there's absolutely no need to poke the bear.

I was about to say something similar, having cared for my DM for the last five years. She’s living with us, so would be reliant on LA funding for full time care. The criteria for this is very very strict and at the moment, despite her condition being advanced, the LA will only provide care at home, for which she has to make a significant contribution, as she has no financial interest in our home, so is not deemed to have any significant living expenses. If she had a property to sell to fund her care, it would be very different.

The system is very harsh and we found out to our cost, that if relatives show any willingness to help out, the LA will only provide the minimum. Mum has an LPA, which states that she doesn’t want to go into full time care unless absolutely necessary, but it won’t make any difference when that time comes, because the decision will be made by professionals and based on her best interests, not preference.

Great response.
I was put in a similar position by my mother a year after the death of my dad. I didnt move (abroad) and spent a life regretting it and (i think) grieving a little for the life I would've had.
Like your mother, mine was a flawed individual (with whom I eventually reduced contact) and I did eventually move away to a wonderful place that I love. But I really wish my kids had grown up here and feel I was treading water for 20 years wishing I was somewhere else!
Don't be that person. Follow your dream and the advice of the poster above. Your siblings sound supportive which is a real help
Good luck

You should always take threats of suicide seriously: Suicide warning signs

Whether you think she might be serious or not - unless you're a professional who deals with this stuff, you can't know. If resources are diverted unnecessarily, its on the person who weaponised suicide, not the person who called.

This^^.

She's currently the person caring for someone with possible dementia, and is seemingly threatening suicide. Call the police/social services and tell then she's had a completely unhinged reaction to you moving, that you are concerned for her welfare and for that of your dad. If nothing else, SS will need to assess and she might actually be forced to accept proper help rather than thinking that she can just load it all onto you.

because i'm self employed (but not the breadwinner), geographically closest to them, I would be doing it!

You have it spot on.

She has had a mental narrative in her mind and now you have gone a ruined it! How selfish of you to put your self, your H and children before her. (sarcasm)

Do it ASAP. It won't get easier the longer you leave it.

Noooo, please don't do this. You will just be diverting essential emergency resources from someone who really needs them, just up make a point.

Also whenever I've heard anyone in real life talk of 'following their dream' to move somewhere, its generally a bad idea. Maybe I'm just a jaded cynic 😂

I think she scared of your dad's potential diagnosis. It's pretty overwhelming and in all honestly dementia is brutal for spouses. My nan has dementia and her deterioration has been horrible to witness and realistically I haven't had to live with it.

If you want to move there's nothing she or anyone else can do about it. I'm sure she and your dad have made sacrifices for you but they chose to have you and that what parents do. The expectation of future care is unreasonable.

I think when you need to separate your relationship with your mum and your dad's relationship with her. They are very different things. As adults they both made choices.

Anyways, good luck with the move.

Please don’t let this awful emotional manipulation and control stop you from following your dreams.

The suicide threat is emotional terrorism. It is abuse. The volume of mealy-mouthed apologetics for abuse on this thread is extraordinary.

Everything in the south is so much more expensive. Hope youve factored that in.

Your mother is being bonkers, but I'm also curiously about the moving down south? I moved the other way and wouldn't go back for anything 😂I've lived all over and can't think of anything in the south that isn't also available somewhere in the north, unless you're looking for a) progression in a specific career b) London c) very posh seaside. Could you look at options that still tick most of your boxes but are somewhat closer?

Well as OP won’t be there to do any of the caring I would think it’s up to the DM to determine how much she can do herself. Unless the DPs are multi millionaires ( which I think might have been mentioned) she won’t be “sticking “ him in a home if self funding and the state has very strict criteria about when they will pay for a home, so the DM will be on her knees with it all before that will be allowed to happen.