DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

As someone who had to move away from my family 15 years ago for work and relationship reasons, I find it strange that you would want to move away for no particular reason. Even though we are very entrenched now in our new area, I miss having my family close by.

That being said, there’s no doubt that your DM is behaving very badly here. Don’t allow her tantrumming to influence your decision. I would keep communication with her to a minimum until she has calmed down.

My mother threw a tantrum when I first left home. She said they couldnt manage without my money. However they somehow did.

She threw anothet hissy fit when I left the city I was born in to go to uni. She got over it. Eventually I told her that I was doing a higher degree/had got a job/nere intended to return to my home city. She got over that too.

My husband getting dementia is just about the worst thing I could ever imagine happening so I’d cut her some slack.

When you say move down south, how far away do you mean exactly ? And how old is your mum ?

Your mum clearly has her own demons to deal with and suddenly she has felt her world crashing down when you scuppered her (very unrealistic) old age plans that she was so relying on in her mind. She is reacting very poorly indeed towards you all and needs time to calm down.

I think that you should live your life how you want to and that you must find a way to be happy about it.

Part of that, could be you getting together with your siblings to brainstorm a plan to ease your mum’s concerns about her future. She needs a new way of thinking and of coping. Discuss those concerns, and all the possible options, - and research ways to help your mum be ready to help your dad with his possible dementia. Take her finances into account. If there is a rough support plan in your minds of shared responsibility and extra support outside the family, maybe she will feel less abandoned/helpless and more able to face what is undoubtedly going to be a difficult future. I hope that together, you can all reassure her …and guide her away from her over-reliance on you as the answer to all her fears.
Good luck OP.

Please don't guilt OP @YourWittyLion for not wanting to stay to care for her dad...

People DO manage... She shouldn't have to sacrifice any more of her life.

I've largely had 15 years taken over with care of my elderly pa... It's broken me... It's like the boiled frog analogy .. I never EVER intended living with him again... But with the circumstances I find myself???

I really, really, regret staying.

YOU HAVE ONE LIFE!!

@YourWittyLion have you seen any of Dr Ramani online re parental narcissism?? ...
She's brilliant on cobceptualising this... When your parents only care for you conditionally for what you can give them... With all the Manipulation /mistreatment.

I would try to have a very frank and private conversation with dad when your dm was not around. Find out his care and end of life wishes. See if you can get him to have a legal document drawn up for when he becomes unable to look after himself and his affairs. And while you can still communicate with him let him know how much you love him so you'll have no regrets. Encourage him to have an updated will as well.

You should definitely report her suicide threats. Then, you move south and live your best life with your little family. Good luck with everything.

My experience is SO similar it's a little unnerving. If you want to know about it I'm happy to dm. Ultimately, you need to do what's best for your family. With all due respect to other posters, your father having dementia is not a reason to stay put. He has a capable, healthy (?) wife, and your have two other valuable siblings, and there should be some assistance from the local health depending on where you are.

Whilst I'm loathed to make online diagnoses, it may be worth looking up the relationship with daughters (esp the eldest or most reliable one) and mothers with personality disorders.

I understand the current trend for describing parents as emotionally immature, but sending disturbing messages, and threatening double suicide, is, imvho a whole other basket.

Good luck, and as I said, I'm 15 years past and on the other side of the same conundrum, so happy to dm. Btw, I did move.

Please do not ask your mum to move with you. You'll never be free of her expectations! It's not your job to look after your dad.

@YourWittyLion it's emotional blackmail, pure and simple.

Do continue on your recovering people pleaser journey and pay her reaction no heed.

You have a life to live and that does not include setting yourself on fire to keep your Mum warm.

That’s difficult..

Could you say to her, whilst you can’t do all the caring for your dad (if needed) perhaps they could both move down south to a nearby town as well if they liked? Then it gives her something to think about (a real option) and she doesn’t feel so left

I am so sorry. please do exactly what is right for you. Make it clear to your mum that you will not be changing your mind.

Does your mum know anyone with dementia, or seen close-up what it's like to care for someone with dementia? If she does/has, then she's probably terrified of the road ahead. It is a relentless fucking shitshow with no respite. However, that said, you said she went nuts all those years ago when you first mentioned it, so that can't be the only reason she's reacting this way.

It does sound like there's a lot of selfishness and entitlement there, as well as fear for the future. It doesn't sound like - if you stay - you're going to have a nice cosy relationship where she brings as much to your life as you will to hers. She sounds quite damaged, sadly, and that's not your fault.

I would go, hold on to your dad's words, and don't feel guilty. But I would also have a really frank and open chat with your siblings about how things may play out. If you are close to them, try and keep that bond, by anticipating what future needs there might be and how you can share the burden. Eg, the admin side alone of caring is insane. And that's something you don't necessarily need to be nearby to help with.

It's incredibly easy for sibling relationships to falter when one or other is shouldering a disproportionate responsibility. When my dad had dementia my brother lived overseas, and while he came home as often as he could, he often spent that time (un)helpfully suggesting all kinds of ways I should be doing things differently. It was no-one's fault, but I still carry a little bit of resentment now at how life-changing it was for me to become a carer, while his life carried on as normal.

As others have said, this is your one and only life. Maybe it won't be what you imagined, you miss friends too much, and you end up coming back. Or maybe it turns out to be the best decision you ever made and changes the trajectory of your life in all kinds of unexpected ways. You'll only know if you go.

So her idea was that you should quit your job to look after your father while she wafted off to work. This is despite the fact you are reliant on your wages to cover your monthly expenses and you have children who are still very little. Your mother managed to squelch your dad's dreams, don't let her do the same to you. As I recall it the wedding vows mentioned in sickness and in health for the future spouses rather than the children of the union. Yes, your mum may need additional help and hopefully she gets it but that is not a reason to derail your plans.

Ah the suicide threats...sound familiar!

In your case - I would call Adult Social Care or her GP and explain that she is threatening suicide. If she is genuine, then she will get the help she needs, if she's not - then she won't do it again.

Adult Social Care may be able to advise on a long term support plan.

It's not as tricky as you think, OP. She's made assumptions and decided your life plans for you, which she's got no rights to do. She's having to realise that now! It might be tricky for her to do that, but it's a situation of her own making. You don't have to stay her scapegoat all your life and she shouldn't have ever thought of you as a scapegoat in the first place. The situation she finds herself in is a mixture of fate (DF diagnosis) and her incorrect assumptions that she owned you and could control you.

If you stay it'll be all the harder to fight the control and you'll end up having a massive falling out, possibly with the whole family if she manages to convince them that it's somehow your responsibility to be carer. A position which they may accept as "truth" so as to not fall out with her or be expected to do any caring themselves. So if you stay they still won't be happy and you'll be even less happy than if you move.

Stop asking parental permission to live you life too, stop justifying things to them. I know it's how you've been raised (I have a parent like this too) but it's not how it's meant to be. They don't have to like it or agree. You don't need their approval or blessing.

If DM doesn't want to be carer but wants to work, she can continue to do that. Social services will have to provide carers and when things progress and they can't provide enough, he'll go into a care home. If he's got dementia that'll happen at some point anyway, unless something else ends his life. If DM is of working age when he goes into a care home or passes away, she'll be expected to find a job, unless she's got some kind of private pension starting before the state pension age or savings to live on. If she's fit for work, the government will only allow her to claim UC (depending on savings) if she's a carer. Full UC, that is, she might be eligible for a top up on her wages if she's on a low income without savings and DF might be eligible for some benefits of some kind too if he's unwell enough.

Issues with your mum aside, why on earth would you want to live down South? I say this as a southerner who moves incrementally more North. 😁 The weather might be warmer down there, but the atmosphere certainly isn’t and I feel like an alien going back to my old stomping grounds like Horsham, Worthing, Arundel and Brighton. Sorry to offend other posters, but I find the values, pace of life and air of snobbery unbearable now - not to mention how ridiculously expensive everything is.

I don’t think there’s a lot you can do about your mum I’m afraid. I absolutely hate the 4+ hour drive to see mine, but my situation is different as they ensured I was granted a council flat at 18/19 before moving 2.5 hours along the coast to pursue their own dreams - so I feel not the slightest shred of guilt and we’re not particularly close. Mine complain about not seeing the grandchildren but would bugger off to their holiday home abroad every school holiday - somewhere we could Ill-afford to visit. The cost of fuel to visit South is bad enough, let alone doing a European road trip!

I understand your mum is probably feeling overwhelmed at what lies ahead with your Dad, but ultimately you have to follow your own path. Do your siblings live nearby and can they keep you updated and have you factored in travel times/costs to visit?

I agree she sounds very emotionally manipulative too.

Good luck with your plans OP. Ultimately you need to do what is best for your family.

Once you stop being a people pleaser you realise how surprisingly easy it is.

You will regret this forever OP if you don’t go.

aa others have said I would honestly play her at her own game and call the police/social services and say what she’s threatened and have them have a word with her. She doesn’t get to play around like that and get away with it. Regardless of how stressed she may be she’s a bloody adult and threatening stuff like that isn’t on and she needs to learn that’s a distressing thing to do to her 3 children

Even more reason to move away then. Knock that idea on the head.

Yeah, everyone’s gonna say, do what you want, but I wouldn’t move away from ageing parents unless I had to for work or something.

It sounds she is quite consistent in her position. Throwing a tantrum worked before, you stayed, so she just does more of the same now.

I'm not saying you should comply, just that there was little hope it would go anyhow better.

If you want to move you can - you just have to do it without her blessings.

That's what I'd do. Ask the police to do a welfare check.