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Original poster

DM has gone absolutely nuclear with me about moving away...

291 replies

YourWittyLion · 15/12/2025 00:23

Throwaway account for obvious reasons when you read this.... also sorry in advance for the length of my post.. I'm trying not to miss details and hopefully get some none bias opinions!

Sooo where to begin!
My DH & I have been together for over 15 years and for 13 of these we've dreamed of moving down south!
We first discussed our plan with my parents 13 years ago and DM essentially guilted me out of it and made me feel terrible for even considering to leave them! (For the rest of this I'll mostly just refer to DM, as she is the main issue and my dad is a more of a bystander.)
We've revisited the idea in passing with them over the years and have been met with the same response or similar.

Anyway, fast forward to now, me and DH have 3 beautiful DS's. Life is good, but moving down south has become more and more appealing and we're now at a point that we have made a decision that we are going to do it next year... Essentially now or never, before our DS's get to old to want to move etc. We're all very excited about our plans! We have told a few very close friends and my DSis... everyone is understandably upset we're leaving, but overwhelming supportive of our plans!)

My DM admittedly has had a bit of a shit time of late. Her own mum passed away recently (complicated by a drawn out death over many months, a tricky relationship, family fallouts and my mum having childhood trauma from her abusive dad). Additionally my Dad has recently been referred due ro issues with his memory. Nothing formally diagnosed yet, but we're all fairly certain dementia may be the cause.

Me and DH made the decision about moving in late spring before all these issues were apparent. And because of this we haven't been able to tell my DM, in an attempt to try to protect her peace and give her time to process everything and also because we knew from previous responses that she wouldn't be happy about it etc.
Despite my dad's situation, he is aware of what's happening to him currently and has had multiple conversations about living the life I want and not to waste a day, as he has many regrets (not moving away being one of them). So i know that although my dad would be sad, he would be supportive of us following our dream.

Although really not ideal as my DM is still grieving and things with my dad are up in the air, we were forced to tell her about moving, because we're now at a point that we need to start making solid plans and taking steps to achieve the move and I didnt want my DM to be the last to know or to find out from someone else.
Well... we told them and my DM went nuclear!😪
She wanted to know who was going to look after dad when he got worse. I tried to explain that even if we stayed i couldn't offer the level of help she thinks I could. I'm self employed and reliant on my wage to cover our monthly expenses, so dropping work to look after my dad isn't financially possible and also my DS's who are all still very little are my priority.
She said something along the lines of "given the sacrifices she made" to bring me up .... essentially that I'm selfish.
She also threatened that she might as well kill herself and then stormed out of my house.

In all honesty I expected her to be angry and upset, but her response was so unhinged and bewildering I barely said anything and haven't since.

Since this happened she has sent a torrent of messages to my DB ranting and threatening that she & dad might as well kill themselves.
My DSis called them after they refused to reply to my distraught DB to check that they were ok given what she was messaging and DSis also got verbally abused, told that they might as well kill themselves and that she was done with us (presumably me and DSis as she challenged my DM on some of the things she was saying). It also really concerns me that shes using a threat of suicide to emotionally manipulate the situation and drawing my vulnerable dad into this way of thinking too! 💔

So this is now the point that we're at and I dont know what to do!

Just for added context, as i think its relavant, my DM has always been a tricky person (i don't know how else to describe this) and since being a mum myself and assessing my relationships with my mum, I've come to realisation that although she loves me, our relationship is mostly transactional in a sense that she doesnt really bother with me or my DS's unless she needs or wants something and we're not anywhere high on her list of priorities. A bitter pill to swallow, but something that I'm learning to accept.
I've done a lot of self exploring over the last few years to try to figure out if i'm the issue and to address my own shortcomings, but through this I've actually realised due to her upbringing, she is the perfect example of an emotionally immature parent- something she can't help or likely change.
I think in part this is the reason for the way she has responded, but its really difficult to take and I don't know where to go from here as I know I will never "win" or be "right" in her eyes.

Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Rozendantz · 15/12/2025 06:14

My mother did something similar many years ago when I told her I'd accepted a job in another country (a different continent), and was moving in 4 weeks time. While I knew it would be a surprise/shock (despite me always saying that's where I wanted to live) I hadn't expected the anger and self-pity, and I certainly hadn't expected to be told how selfish I was! My father, on the other hand, was delighted for me and said that he'd have done the same thing at my age...

Definitely go, sounds like a good move for you. You've recognised that your mother is a difficult person...so having a distance between you will no doubt improve your own life anyhow!

PermanentTemporary · 15/12/2025 06:05

Please don’t ring the police as a first action when there is family drama. Instead, ask her seriously about her suicide plans, whether she has decided how to do it, has she a plan etc. If you think she is genuine (just because she’s like this doesn’t mean she won’t do it) then think about getting help.

Other than that… I do feel for her and think it would have been better if you went a long time ago. But better now than never.

hattie43 · 15/12/2025 06:02

Parents shouldn’t plan their future assuming kids will look after them . Your priority is your own family so follow your dreams .

Swash89 · 15/12/2025 05:58

It’s not a tricky situation when you break it down and your mums behaviour supports why moving away is fine. Your dms selfish and nasty behaviour is one way only to suit her and you don’t want to expose your kids to that. It’s not your duty to be a carer at any time. Her reaction is unhinged. It’s motivation to move to Australia!!

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2025 05:53

Your mum's motivations for not wanting you to move are all selfish reasons that benefit her. She hasn't said that she is upset because she will miss you and her grandchildren. She is upset because she had you lined up as your dad's carer so that her life could continue with as little disruption as possible.

Make your decision based on what is best for you and your family.

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/12/2025 05:52

Move, do it ASAP, you have your life to live, as you say, your family is your priority, thats your husband and your kids, and you!

Ignore the bullshit from your mother, you do not owe her a fucking thing, she chose to be a parent, so making sacrifices and putting your kids first is a part of that choice. It's not some debt you demand is repaid later on!

pilates · 15/12/2025 05:44

What a shocking thing for your DM to say. Sorry, you have a dreadful mum and you recognise this now. Do not let her manipulate and bully you any more. You must live your best life with or without her blessing.

BountifulPantry · 15/12/2025 05:33

She doesn’t need to be happy about your choices OP.

You have to be happy about your choices.

Zanatdy · 15/12/2025 05:19

I feel for you as in the past my mum has threatened suicide as a way of trying to get her own way. My mum was very upset when I moved with DS then 7, 250 miles away. But she actually took it better than I thought. She was worried as we didn’t know a soul but I had a job and we soon settled. 25yrs later I am returning in 6 months time. It was incredibly hard when my dad was dying and over the years i’ve regretted being so far away, but once my kids were settled in school I had to wait until youngest of 3 turned 18 to move. Do what you want though, don’t let her threats dictate your life. Just bear in mind being so far from family can be tough at times. But your mum cannot behave in this way to try and stop you from going.

Not sure where you’re going in the south, but hopefully not the South East! I do love it here, but just so expensive.

falalalalalalalallama · 15/12/2025 05:16

LittleMidlander · 15/12/2025 01:38

Issues with your mum aside, why on earth would you want to live down South? I say this as a southerner who moves incrementally more North. 😁 The weather might be warmer down there, but the atmosphere certainly isn’t and I feel like an alien going back to my old stomping grounds like Horsham, Worthing, Arundel and Brighton. Sorry to offend other posters, but I find the values, pace of life and air of snobbery unbearable now - not to mention how ridiculously expensive everything is.

I don’t think there’s a lot you can do about your mum I’m afraid. I absolutely hate the 4+ hour drive to see mine, but my situation is different as they ensured I was granted a council flat at 18/19 before moving 2.5 hours along the coast to pursue their own dreams - so I feel not the slightest shred of guilt and we’re not particularly close. Mine complain about not seeing the grandchildren but would bugger off to their holiday home abroad every school holiday - somewhere we could Ill-afford to visit. The cost of fuel to visit South is bad enough, let alone doing a European road trip!

I understand your mum is probably feeling overwhelmed at what lies ahead with your Dad, but ultimately you have to follow your own path. Do your siblings live nearby and can they keep you updated and have you factored in travel times/costs to visit?

I agree she sounds very emotionally manipulative too.

Good luck with your plans OP. Ultimately you need to do what is best for your family.

What on earth?

Plenty of us live in the South, love where we live and - FWIW - aren't snobs!

ThePerfectWeekend · 15/12/2025 05:13

Does she want you to stay purely to control you and so you can look after DF? She's awful. Grief doesn't explain her behaviour. Put your own family first, the further away from her the better.
If she carries on threatening to end her life, I'd call her bluff too by calling the authorities. Even if you think she's serious, it's above your pay grade. She would requirw professional support.
Good luck with your move.

Brokentramulator · 15/12/2025 05:01

Op you need to stop feeding the monster side of you mums behaviour. Live your life, time may come where you need to help with a bit of caring but you can’t put your life on hold on a bunch of what ifs. Your Mum is going to act on quite a bit to try and guilt you, try not to drag this on, get the move sorted in a timely manner as she won’t stop until she knows she’s lost.
Good luck with the move!

Onthemaintrunkline · 15/12/2025 04:59

Your mother is frightened, frightened of what the future holds regarding your Father. Frightened about her role in your Father's health journey probably the one doing the caring and making the decisions, and not wanting to. Bearing this in mind she had in all likelihood counted on you to be number one backup. Now all the plans she unilaterally made look to be going,up in smoke. Fear turned into anger and she vented.

Should she have erupted like this, of course not, not ever.

When she’s calmed down…may take awhile 🥴, if you could maybe have a family meeting, address the issue of your Father’s health & ongoing care, float a few ideas around, make a plan to hopefully ease or calm her concerns that she won’t be left isolated to deal with it all.

If that doesn’t work I’m out of ideas! If you don’t go ahead with your plans of moving, I wonder if you’ll carry a resentment that will be a blight on your and your family’s life. Good luck with the next step.

SatsumaDog · 15/12/2025 04:33

Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2025 02:29

Please do not ask your mum to move with you. You'll never be free of her expectations! It's not your job to look after your dad.

I agree. This would be a huge mistake. Moving is your chance to escape.

JayJayj · 15/12/2025 04:31

She sounds narcissistic. Using threats of suicide to manipulate you. The next time she threatens suicide the police/ambulance should be called. If she really is they will help but I’m guessing she will be embarrassed and not do it again.

You can’t not live your life because of your mum. Some therapy might help you to talk through how she is and how to help you deal with it

SatsumaDog · 15/12/2025 04:30

Her extreme reaction comes from fear of
belng alone. That doesn’t excuse it and you have to make the move regardless. She will just have to get over it and adjust.

WishingIwasyoungerandslimmer · 15/12/2025 04:21

YourWittyLion · 15/12/2025 01:16

@sittingonabeach
In all honesty this has been one of the biggest struggles in making this decision and something I do worry about.
I think the conversations I've had with my dad recently and also what he's mentioned to my siblings, have solidified that given the chance again my dad would have chosen a different life and moved to a different country (he never did as my DM refused). He regrets it massively! He has so many regrets 😪 And I know that he if my mum wasn't manipulating him to her way of thinking, he would be supportive and encourage us to go!
Ultimately i don't want to get to my dads age and look back at my life and have regrets like he does because he allowed others to control his life!

Unfortunately i think my mum has decided in her mind that it was me that should be picking up the slack with my dad, so she can continue to work herself. She has hinted that Dsis is a single mum and DB is self employed and the breadwinner, so neither of them can or should step up. But because i'm self employed (but not the breadwinner), geographically closest to them, I would be doing it! Which even if we stayed would not be the case as financially or personally I don't have the resources to do that and be his carer like she thinks!
It's a really tricky situation 😞

So your mother has marked you out as the dogsbody of the family. I bet this a familiar pattern of behaviour from her. Especially since you mentioned that you believed you had a transactional relationship with her. She contacts you when she wants something and now she expects you to drop everything and be your father's carer as she doesn't want to give up her job!

OP, just firm up your plans and move away as quickly as possible.

WishingIwasyoungerandslimmer · 15/12/2025 04:12

174ghxt · 15/12/2025 01:05

This is the tip of the iceberg, I know, in terms of the issues raised in your post, but what is it about living down south that is so appealing to you? If life is good where you are, how much much better will the move make it? What will the south, specifically, add to your life?
Your mother's reaction is problematic, I get that. It may well be that she is emotionally immature etc. You will get advised to follow your dream etc despite her, and I'm not saying that would be wrong.
I just wonder though...I personally could not move miles away from a father who was had just been diagnosed with the start of dementia. I might not take full responsibility for his care if I stayed, but if we take the view that parents are owed nothing, established friends mean little, roots mean little, follow your dream, grey rock the objectors...it just seems a bit cold.
But I might just be someone without the courage to move away. Who knows?
It's a tricky one, OP, navigating what we owe to others and what we owe to ourselves. I wish you all the best.

The OP's father has memory issues. He hasn't got a dementia diagnosis yet and if he does get one he is at the beginning of the illness and it could take years to develop into full blown dementia.

He doesn't need care yet. But you are advocating that the OP put her life on hold, yet again so that she can help to care for him in the future?

The OP's parents have lived their life, but should they really get to use up their children's lives as well? The OP needs to concentrate on her own children in the here and now and make decisions that suit her and her family and not her parents and especially not her mother.

Her mother has other children that from the sounds of it are fairly local. The mother doesn't need everyone of them to do her bidding every time.

So OP, escape while you can and build your own life free of a constantly guilt tripping mother. You are not intending to move to the other side of the planet (but maybe you should). You will be able to easily travel back for visits etc, on your own terms, not that of a selfish drama queen of a mother.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2025 04:08

Beesandhoney123 · 15/12/2025 03:40

If you and your dh have decided to move, then move. Presumably your dc can now speak of moving and they will miss their friends too. This will need support.

Is your dh from the same area as you and what do his friends and family think?

I suspect you are regretting not going years ago! You might have moved back!

Could you rent out your house for a year and rent for a year down south to see if you like it? Assume you are going for work prospects? Has remote working had its day?

Renting her house out would be financial suicide, especially once the rental rights act comes into force. And you can’t just do it for a year that easily, neither should you be able to.

Motnight · 15/12/2025 04:01

GooseberryGreen · 15/12/2025 01:49

So her idea was that you should quit your job to look after your father while she wafted off to work. This is despite the fact you are reliant on your wages to cover your monthly expenses and you have children who are still very little. Your mother managed to squelch your dad's dreams, don't let her do the same to you. As I recall it the wedding vows mentioned in sickness and in health for the future spouses rather than the children of the union. Yes, your mum may need additional help and hopefully she gets it but that is not a reason to derail your plans.

This is perfectly put! Live your life, Op.

pollyglot · 15/12/2025 04:00

Don't be swayed, OP. As a PP said, if it doesn't work our to your own satisfaction, you can always return...though going elsewhere seems to me to be the better option.

When I moved away for a very desirable and lucrative promotion, my mother behaved abominably. She phoned me to subtly hint that DF was very sick (he wasn't). Then that she was going for tests for some condition she refused to disclose, but was definitely life-limiting (she lived another 30 years and died at the age of 96). She refused to speak to me, refused to come out to wish me luck when we called in on our way. We did not contact her until she sent a letter some months later, in which she acted as though nothing hd happened. I know she boasted of my new job to anyone who would listen, but also moaned how the young people of today had no concern for aging and ailing parents (this was 35 years ago).

When she eventually came down to my new school, and we went to the chapel one Sunday morning, the Headmaster congratulated her on how wonderful her daughter was, how lucky they were to have me, and how competently I did my job, she snapped back at him "My daughter thinks I am useless." Eh?? All my life I had kowtowed to her and put up with her terrible rages and abusive and narcissistic behaviour.

Don't be ridden by your mother, OP. It wasn't until I had intensive therapy at the age of 69, and after her death that I finally gained some mental peace. What a waste of life. Don't be me, OP.

Beesandhoney123 · 15/12/2025 03:40

If you and your dh have decided to move, then move. Presumably your dc can now speak of moving and they will miss their friends too. This will need support.

Is your dh from the same area as you and what do his friends and family think?

I suspect you are regretting not going years ago! You might have moved back!

Could you rent out your house for a year and rent for a year down south to see if you like it? Assume you are going for work prospects? Has remote working had its day?

InterIgnis · 15/12/2025 03:18

it worked for her last time, she probably thinks it will work again. Don’t let it. It’s your life, and your mother is the one being selfish in expecting you to live it on her terms.

Go. Without guilt.

Firefumes · 15/12/2025 03:05

I’d just look at it as you’ve given your mum an extra 13 years of living close by after her last guilt trip. And now, you’re probably about even where you can live your life without being under her thumb and feeling guilty.

At least, you know that it isn’t a whim. You’ve wanted to move for 13 years like Christ - it is clearly where your heart is. No parent should begrudge you for doing something you’re clearly passionate about.

Truetoself · 15/12/2025 02:58

How far would you be if you moved away @op?

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